My mom has never been one to shy away about subjects like death. She has a living will and has told us in no uncertain terms that she wants no extra measures taken to extend her life. It's all recorded, her AL knows this. She has not been happy with the measures the AL has taken to curb the pandemic. She used to take advantage of all they offered (lectures, art classes, etc). Now, she can't do that. We do weekly zoom calls which she enjoys. She had been looking forward to a major family celebration in September - but it got delayed a year. Her response was that she would not be alive to see it. We arranged an in-person window visit. We arranged to 'spring' her from AL for a smaller family get together in about a month - a compensation for the one that got delayed. She said she probably won't be alive in a month. She asked if we remembered where she wanted to be buried. She said she could no longer remember birthdays, etc, and wanted us to mail out the checks and cards, etc. She has vascular dementia and has noticeably gone downhill in the last few months, doing things like asking the same question 2-3 times during a phone conversation. It seems like she has given up and lost the will to live. She is 91. Is this depression talking? Or dementia? Any advice?
I think that Americans have quite a lot of fear of the subject, and of the "fact of life" itself. Basically it is birth, reproduction (or not) and death in the long view; those are the passages for all from fruitfly on through. For me it is a subject of interest to the extent I was once a member of the Thanatos Society, and have a book of Victorian Momento Mori. I am certain I have misspelled those.
In any case I wouldn't read a whole lot in it. It is charming she is ready to speak about it. Don't negate her concerns nor her wish to discuss a subject that makes you uncomfortable. She actually MAY be nearing a passage, or she feels she is, and would love to discuss it. Reassure her, let her know how you love her and all she has taught you of life.
Mom is 91. She realizes at this point that death gets closer. She has all day and everyday to think on it. Will she wake up tomorrow? Yes, she probably is depressed being quarantined to her room. Anyone would be. At this point, let her talk.
Let your mother talk about whatever she wants to talk about. It could be dementia, it could be depression, it could be drama, or it could be a little of each all mixed together to give YOU a stomach ache. I don't know. Some people have a feeling about when their time is approaching; I sincerely believe that. While others just like to cause their loved ones to feel anxious or worried FOR them. Speak to her doctor if you are concerned.
Good luck!
Maybe your mom just needs to know that her "life issues" are cared for and that she is too.
Your future lies along a different path.
She probably lacks the energy to be cheerful and daily activities are becoming harder to manage. She knows she is nearing the end of life and expressing that verbally might be helping her cope.
With advanced age and decreased energy and engagement in the world, people often see the end could come any time. Some people go on for years thinking they are going to die soon so they want to make no long term plans.
That mindset gives rise to expressions like "Don't buy green bananas."
My mom's in the same situation -- in memory care, 91, and has vascular dementia. The lack of significant personal interaction during the past six months has definitely taken its toll on her. Her dementia is more severe than your mom's -- she doesn't know about Covid -- but I'm sure she thinks we've abandoned her. In my opinion, it's cruel to keep us from our loved ones, but the health department and the state has the facility's hands tied.
Reassure your mom that no one has abandoned her and that no family events are happening for anyone and you aren't excluding her. You may have to keep reminding her of it, but I have a feeling she may think she's being abandoned.
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