I am an only child and I moved my mom up to be closer to us last year. She was 8 hours away. She says she hates the people in her new place and that they are all rude and snobby. She has lived there 14 months. When I'm with her at her place, I walk with her and see others look at her to say "hi" and she just scowls . I wouldn't ask her to sit by me either. This has torn me apart as I want her to find a friend. I partially want this so she will stop depending on my for all her happiness. But I cannot do it for her and I am afraid that her cognitive decline will not allow her to see how to make friends anymore. She is becoming more and more egocentric. It is very difficult to be with her as she is so hyper focused on winning the games, being first in line everywhere, answering all the questions (even if not directed at her). She can be exhausting. I tried to coach her on how to celebrate (graciously) if she wins bingo or other games at her place. She remembers for one round and then she's back to her former self. I guess what I'm asking is ..... does this seem normal? How can I talk to her about her behavior? She has always sort of been this way but it is over the top. I feel sorry for her and I get so frustrated with her all at the same time. I know everyone is dealing with situations like this. I appreciate the ability to vent.
Does she need a higher level of care or a different facility?
Has she been assessed by a geriatric psychiatrist?
I'd try to keep in mind that as she progresses through various stages, the traits you notice could change. She could become quieter and seem to not notice others who are around her. She may lose interest in the activities or just not be able to participate. When my LO went into regular AL, she never was able to recall the name of anyone that she met there, including residents and staff. In fact, she never was able to recall the name of her doctor either. Her brain was just not able to retain names anymore.
I would keep observing how she functions in the AL and ask the staff how she is doing, to ensure that they are able to meet her needs. My LO had to be transferred to a secure MC from her AL, due to wandering and needing a higher level of care. This is something that often happens as a person with dementia progresses to need more and more help with their ADLs. Once in the MC, my LO seemed much happier and it was a huge improvement for her. I think she felt uncomfortable in the regular AL, because she was not able to relate to the other residents. Her memory was so poor that she couldn't keep up with the conversation, couldn't recall their names and was generally too confused to make friends there. In the MC, the other residents were more on her level and that seemed to comfort her and make her feel more at home. I learned to lower my expectations of her abilities.
I'd check out the book entitled The 36 Hour Day. It covers the behavior you might expect with dementia as the patient progresses.
I live long distance and do what I can, but try to keep telling myself it's his choice. Very slowly, he has begun to meet people because we stopped allowing meals to be delivered to his room.
My heart hurts for you trying to figure this out for your situation. It's tough to see our loved ones without friends, whether they are our kids or our parents.
If in Assisted Living it might be more difficult for her to adapt to a less structured environment and she may be better with more structure that Memory Care provides.
The choice was to leave her where she was with no one nearby, or to bring her to live near you so that you could supervise her welfare. I think you might have to be satisfied with knowing that she's safe and well cared for.
Have you talked to any of the facility's staff about your concerns? Do they share them, or do they think she's doing well? She's been there long enough for them to have useful opinions.
In any case, venting heard. :)
When dementia advances enough to require Memory Care Unit, the learned social skills are declining too. Found most unifying tool was music. Singing and dancing too, gave joyful times. So even those residents who were very confused, could join in a musical group. Music gave moments of happiness and lifted the veil of sorrowful confusion.( Just be careful to select the music of their youth especially)
You want to evoke happy memories!
She used to say “Life is what you feed it” you’ve sage advice.
Having seen so much of that world, I understand more, but it’s heavy on the heart. I can’t now, but a warm smile, gentle touch an all ears are yours.
You’re a “Real Humdinger, I wish for you all you go after, and then
someone to nudge you when you need it. 🐝