My mom's friend visited, we had a long talk and now I feel like I want to wash my hands of this situation, not sure what to do first.
I'll try to make this short. My mom's friend Shirley and her husband came to visit my mom for 2.5 days. I've mentioned Shirley here before because even though we had been close for years I got resentful that she didn't warn me that my mom had dementia prior to her move so we haven't spoken in at least a year, in fact I didn't even want to see her.
I had to go over anyway or it would have only made things worse. I thought I could fake it through but when my husband, her husband and my mom left the room to go look at something I got very emotional and laid it out to Shirley. I asked her - WHY didn't you tell me my mom had dementia when you KNEW before she moved here? She looked at me kind of shocked. I said- I would have moved her anyway, but made much different decisions, instead I made mistakes that have and are costing me dearly. She didn't really have a chance to respond because everyone else came back in the room.
We didn't stay long but I immediately regretted what I said, and the next morning I asked Shirley if we could speak privately. First I apologized for what I said, and meant it. I was literally choking back tears. That led to a 3 hour conversation. Then when Shirley got home she requested another call and we talked again for two hours.
Basically Shirley and I are in agreement on all things, except she pointed things out to me that made me realize my mom is worse than what I seem to be cognizant on, it's as if I've normalized some of her behavior. The confusion, getting lost, very poor memory, being inappropriate and most of all being miserable and isolating and not willing at all to cooperate with anyone suggesting anything.
I found out my mom tells Shirley on a regular basis that she "hates it here" and when Shirley asks about her day she says she does "nothing, ever, sometimes does not even open the blinds". When Shirley suggested she go to senior activities (we both agreed this would likely have to be senior day care because my mom probably couldn't handle the senior center. She needs small groups like 2 or 3 people). My mom of course flatly refused.
We discussed many other things too but the bottom line is my mom's negativity, anger and complete stubborn refusal to do anything to help herself, along with her somehow blaming me for her misery, is more than I can cope with.
Shirley and I were also in complete agreement that my mom is not safe to be at her cottage alone, that nobody is close by anymore, and I informed Shirley of my mom's driver's licence situation, which she knew nothing about, as part of the reason my mom won't sell the cottage. Plus she told Shirley she can't wait to go this year because she hates it here so bad. We also agree she should NOT be driving.
So glad I spent a small fortune to put her into a beautiful condo only to have her HATE IT.
I have a group call scheduled with my siblings in a couple hours where I intend to tell them about my talks with Shirley and how my mom is not safe to go to the cottage.
I'm to the point that my mom either starts cooperating with me and at least tries socializing with her peers at day care, and sells that cottage ASAP, like within months, or I'm washing my hands of her.
I told my husband last night, I'm seriously considering wanting to sell OUR place and getting out of here if my mom's behavior continues as it has been. It's like I'm dealing with an angry narcissistic 13 year old. Maybe he was just trying to sooth me but he said, we can sell her place and she can go somewhere else (senior living on her own dime) and if she refuses we'll move.
I'm tired of this demented person with addictions and personality disorders calling all the shots. All the while having expectations of others to cure her misery and boredom, namely me.
She's still "legally" competent (I think) so I can't force anything. It's also legal for me to wash my hands of this, and that is where I feel like I am at.
Mom is digging in her heels. And even though it seems like Shirley is a wonderful friend, could she be encouraging Mom’s negativity, even by saying something innocent like “uh-huh” when Mom spouts it off? Shirley may feel a tiny bit put upon as well. Sounds like she’s been on the front lines with Mom for a while. Also sounds like she is more aware of Mom’s issues than anyone else. She may not have felt it’s her place to make revelations about Mom’s condition or living situation and needs.
A family meeting is a great idea, but you really need to speak with a neurologist and even a geriatrician to learn how to deal with Mom and make your life easier. Abandoning her isn’t going to work. You’ll never forgive yourself.
Ahmijoy it's not the "work" that I resent, it's dealing with my VERY toxic mother. Shirley now has very limited contact due to distance, but when she does she tries to be proactive and offer solutions. She used to teach special ed and is very patient and intuitive. She has given my mom many tips to decrease isolation, but my mom won't do any of it. At least when Shirley offers advice my mom doesn't get angry, with me she gets very angry.
I don't want to abandon her, you are right it would always haunt me. But I also can't go on like this, my mental state is becoming more and more fragile. I've been to counseling. How does one deal with someone like my mother? More than anything I've been told to disengage.
When does the part start where the person with dementia starts cooperating? My mom should be in memory care, I think, although she can still do ADLs and her own med management. She would never go willingly.
I vaguely remember your prior post...has your mother been formally diagnosed with dementia by her doctor? This would be very import to have her tested rather than guessing -- then you can definitively know how to realistically help her moving forward. Then your siblings, who may not "see" the behaviors and problems that you see, can't suspect that you are overreacting or exaggerating or self-diagnosing.
I think your mother is frustrating you so much because she probably does have dementia and she probably can't see or change her behaviors anymore, even if she wanted to. So, it would be very unfair to be angry at someone who is not able to right themselves. It is also emotionally exhausting for you to continually expect this and be continually disappointed and angry. I wish you a productive and positive meeting with your family, and peace in your heart that you did (and are still doing) the best for her as you can.
You make good points about the meeting with my siblings. My sister is married, brother is not. My BIL is very welcome to be involved, and in fact he sometimes calls me on his own.
Last night my husband told me to just keep the subject today at her safety at the cottage and enlisting their help to get it sold. Especially my brother who lives in PA. I see a very real sense of urgency here due to the safety issues. I don't see how this can wait, yet my mom is insisting she is going and will stop going and sell it when SHE feels like she's ready to give up driving, another thing she should not be doing!
In prepping for this meeting I searched home health agencies by the cottage. It's so rural there wasn't anything close, 45 minutes was the closest one. But then my mom would have to accept the aid, which she won't.
She is truly a challenge.
If your mother moves to the isolated cabin as she wants to do, she will be on her own and *should* not get help. Your siblings need to understand this. What you want is for her to hasten her own demise so that y'all can get her into a facility where she is safe. At least there are fewer children/dogs/cars to hit when she is up there. When she has not answered the phone after x days, one of you calls the police for a wellness check. You also talk to the Adult Protective Services of that county and get her on their radar. You allow her the freedom she wants and allow her to fail on her own. Until then, there's really nothing you can do.
Remember reading legends of elders walking off into the wilderness, or going off on an ice floe? Maybe those are just stubborn elders going off to make their own way, where no one can see them deteriorate. We have a right to make mistakes when we are competent; perhaps allowing her to fail on her own proving her incompetence is the best way to get to the point where you all can protect her from herself.
My fear is that she will fall and break a hip at the cottage. I do not want that to happen because it is one of the most painful things a senior can go through.
This is all such a mess. I'm calling an elder care attorney next week. I need to find out if I can force her into care without a major (and painful) crisis.
Ain't gonna happen, not in this world.
YOU have to change your behavior and your expectations when it comes to your mom making decisions. YOU are the one that is going to have to decide what is in her best interest.
YOU or someone else is going to have to put on the "big girl or big boy" pants and become your mom's Guardian so that appropriate safe decisions can be made on her behalf because she can no longer make those decisions for herself.
If she is not safe alone, she can not be left alone..end of discussion.
If she is not safe driving...disable the car, take away her license (get a State ID)..end of discussion.
Sounds simple but it isn't.
It is you and the family that needs to change the way you see things, react to things.
We (this is a universal we) tend to be REactive when we should be PROactive when it comes to most things and unfortunately often there is some sort of catastrophic event that has to occur before we react appropriately.
Sorry if this sounds harsh I do not intend it to be so. Sometimes reality sucks!
I have a DPOA. I do not want to pursue guardianship. I think what I need to do (and I don't know why I keep putting this off) is to find out what it will take is for me to activate that DPOA and make decisions that way.
The decision I want to make is to get her into a decent memory care.
Money and how much you "owe" your mom in terms of care/safety/love seem to be very complicated in your thinking. I believe that they are clouding your judgement.
1. The money for the condo is water under the bridge. Consider it gone. It was a bad decision, financial and otherwise and we have ALL made bad financial/investing mistakes. Stop letting it influence your choices. If you need to go back to work for a few years to recoup, so be it.
2. Your mother is a very mentally unwell person. She was BEFORE the dementia and your siblings backed away, yes? The dementia has made her behavior and outlook worse. She will not change.
YOU MUST, for your mental and physical health, walk away from your mother. If you do it by simply changing your phone number and jot responding to her knocks on your door, or if you physically move house or maybe just take a long vacation, you must stop engaging with her.
She won't get any help until she fails and gets committed to a facility. She needs oo get sick/fall/get hurt with no one to rescue her.
I'm sorry that this stark and awf truth is the way things are, but there it is.
You might consider calling her doctor and letting him know that you are leaving town for the foreseeable future. He might realize that it is time to act.
Your mother is never going to be happy regardless of where she lives. My FIL lives in a great indy living and complains says he lives in a "cage" when his friends call.
Her condo is in yours and hubby's names, right? I agree with your husband to sell it. Things are only going to get worse. Your mother's needs are only going to increase.
It sounds like your mom has money. Your area has lots of great assisted living options. What ALs are near her cottage? Maybe Shirley can help find one there?
Bottom line: Your mother needs to be around people her own age. Whether she moves to an AL near you or to one near her cottage isn't as important as her moving out from living next door to you.
And FWIW, my husband and I are planning on returning home by the end of next year. My FIL also has narcissistic traits and may well live to be 100. It's time for hubby and me to get on with our lives.
If your mother falls and breaks her hip, it will not be your fault, even though she will make it so.
How do I know this? I was married, for 24 years mind you, to someone whose every bad move was my fault. I believed it!! I doubted my ability to function as a human being because if I made his life so miserable, how could I possibly have a job, or even take care of my kids?
Your mother has groomed you to be responsible for her happiness. Guess what? You're not. She is.
Piper, please get back to therapy and get some support in sorting this out.
Let your mother fail. It is not your job to prop her up.
Shirley is not responsible to provide you with a condition or diagnosis of your mom. It’s very possible that if she did tell you you would brush it off.
You made the decisions. You bought the condo. You went into this situation blindly.
A elder attorney once told me “Only move your family member once”. Elderly people do not deal well with changes to their living environment.
Now you have to undo what you did. Another notch in the caregiver saga.
I think that you did the right thing by calling Shirley out for not giving you a heads up. Especially someone with her back ground, she should have been forthcoming with the truth. I am thinking that she was afraid you would have said no and she was over dealing with your toxic mom.
I had a thought, if you can get the cottage sold would that produce enough cash for mom to buy you and dear hubby out of the condo?
You gave her another chance to get things right with you. You deserve big kudos for even being willing to help her, she didn't deserve it in the least, this is also part of why Shirley hid truths, she knows how your mom has treated you. Anyway I just want you to know that you can walk away and never feel one ounce of guilt. This is her behaviors magnified by the dementia and it is hard when it is just a continuation of her ugliness for your entire life.
I would contact APS and then not prop her up anymore. They will see with repeated calls that she needs intervention and it will happen. Contact the doctor that said 24/7 care and ask them to report it to the DMV, in your state and PA. Then you call the police every time she drives. She can call a cab to go take care of life. She wants to be in control, fine mom control away, that doesn't mean that you can control me. Let her rant and rave and have tantrums, you could always have her baker acted when she has the meltdown.
As hard as this all is, you did the best you could and she is who she is. Protect your wellbeing from this point forward and do whatever you can to stop her from killing some innocent person(s).
Great big warm hug! This will eventually get done.
Since its been a year since the testing Mom needs a follow up so the doctor can document the changes. Get a letter saying Mom is now not competent to make decisions. Read your POA, if it says you can take over once Mom is found incompetent, then take over. You now make the decisions. Its what Mom needs not what she wants. You are dealing with someone you can no longer reason with. She can show no empathy or be grateful for what you do or have done. That ability is dead.
My POA said I could buy and sell. So, sell the condo. You don't need Moms permission. You will need to get Market price in case Medicaid is needed. You can sell the cottage, her car (blue book price) and take the 1/3 of the condo sale and place her into an AL. Mom will never be happy where she lives. They all want to "go home". When her money is gone, then Medicaid and LTC. Because there will come a time when AL is not enough.
You have been fighting a losing battle. You have expected more than your Mom is able to comprehend. You need to now take the reins and make some hard decisions. And ur sibs need to understand that it can't go on the way it has.
I like JoAnn's idea, too, of getting mom a follow up to see if she's STILL competent to make her own decisions. In case she's not, you can place her in an ALF yourself. Assuming that's not the case, then maybe you can issue the above ultimatum.
A no win situation right here, that's for sure. Sigh. It's amazing the endless grief that's involved with these types of women. My heart hurts for you trying to sort through it all. I hope you can arrive at a decision where both you and DH can get on with your own lives now. Good luck EP