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It is often said that "humor is the best medicine." Today, I think my husband may disappear into Dementia's abyss...................every conversation is indicating his limited mental capacity and it seems to be disintegrating rapidly.
We are all sensitive creatures scarred by life's trials and tribulations; we join forces here to better understand the afflicted and those of us who have traveled this painful journey for a long time and with those of us who have just arrived on the scene. If we can be inspired or shocked into a bit of laughter, we should be grateful because there are so few reasons to laugh anymore.
The other day there was a conversation about diarrhea and someone suggested hosing the person off like we would our beloved dogs................well, I'm laughing because it imprinted a momentary picture in my brain. I laughed and I'm glad I did, I needed a moment of humor even though I abhor the topic.
Perhaps those three simple words, "Live, Laugh, Love" are reminders to those of us who frequent this painful topic on a daily basis. Perhaps this mantra will help us be less sensitive and more open to humor. God bless us all.
Sssssssshhh! Pause and think for a moment! If you are now dead, you don’t have to deal with your mother any more! Sometimes being deceased is the only way out of the misery, so enjoy your reprieve. You could even block her calls, as dead people generally don’t pick up their phones…
Only my opinion, but after the last few days we need a lot MORE laughs on the Forum. We so often get all wound up with trauma and drama, and argument with one another about how best to handle this or handle that, and we tromp off into the weeds with such grim determination at times.
Wow - such great answers here I cannot add anything but that dementia is soooo hard! Just remember dementia patients do not live in the same way as we do. My daddy did not live at the same time I did so as other people have stated... let them lead the conversation and just continue to keep in communication with your sister and other relations so they know how to handle a conversation with mom. Hugs
If she is anxious or upset I would call to reassure her, otherwise I might give her a call but not mention anything about her delusion that you had died just make it a normal call or visit if you are close enough to do it in person. My mother often wakes up from a nap, sometimes nights sleep, either in a dream or concerned about something she must have dreamed. She woke up one day asking if her mother had passed and when she was told yes she was very concerned that she hadn’t had a service or gone to it. Her mom died 20 years ago. I always just let her lead the conversation and answer her questions when she’s ready to ask rather that hit her over the head with reality or argue with her in an attempt to correct her. Sometimes I just look puzzled or skeptical and don’t answer and so far she slowly figures it out. That must have been a horrible dream for her that you had died.
Good advice. I've been going through a couple of weeks of... My (spayed) cat of 10yrs laid eggs and had kittens!!! It's tough trying to convince people who are delusional to think rationally.
I wouldn't bother. She probably doesn't remember saying it and she will more than likely say it again. My mom told everyone at her facility that I had cancer and that my brother needed help. None of which was true of course. Mom would watch a lifetime movie and all of the sudden we were in it. The nurse was having an affair on her husband and she was jealous of mom an trying to get her kicked out of there. Crazy stories. LOL
I try to keep the conversations light. I don't tell her anything she could spin into a nightmare. I like that color on you. The weather is so nice today. I bet your lunch is going to be a good one. Look at this cute picture of your great grandson. That's as deep as it gets. I don't tell her anything bad that might be happening in the family or the news, etc. If I walk into her room and she has on a lifetime movie, I change it to animal planet or QVC.
You can if you want to. Or, not. Either way, your mother will most likely not remember. She may even repeat the incident. The question I would have is if your is potentially jeopardizing her safety and, yours and others well being, by being allowed to still use a phone ?
You may want to discuss this with her doctor and your family, and you can certainly include her in the conversation IF she is at all cognitively appropriate to do so.
I think you need to visit your Mom in person. You don’t need to mention that she said you were dead. Just go visit as if that statement never occurred. Take her out if possible.
In my case, my Mom is fully aware and will remember if someone has passed. However she will talk about the person as if that person is alive. She gets pretty huffy if you remind her that the person died.
In your case, it is possible that your Mom got her words mixed up and wanted to say to your sister that she hadn’t seen you in a long time.
I think this is a first for the forum. When my Moms Dementia advanced, she forgot she even had children. We were out one day and a woman we knew asked Mom how her kids were doing. Very indignantly my Mom said "I have no children". I was standing right next to her.
No, don't say anything but I too agree that Mom should not be left alone. And you do need a diagnosis. There are different types of Dementia that respond to different types of medication.
@Southernwave.. Guardianship is not a "bad thing" but it can be expensive, restrictive, lots of paperwork and you do have to appear in court on occasion and you also have to send in to the court yearly updates as to how the Ward is doing. I had to save EVERY receipt and be able to locate receipts if they were asked for. So if there are easier ways around caring for someone that would be the way to go. But Guardianships may be necessary in some cases.
I agree whole heartedly with funkygrandma59 Mom should not be living alone. You never know when she may decide that she has to go to the store and go shopping at midnight...and get lost on the way there or home. Diagnosed or not you are aware that she has cognitive problems. If no one is POA then it is possible that someone will have to become her Guardian. (a talk with an Elder Care Attorney will help and they can talk to mom, if they think she is cognizant enough to understand POA she may be able to appoint someone POA and Guardianship can be avoided. ) If mom refuses to see an attorney it may come down to either waiting for an accident that will bring her to the ER or a call to APS that will get the ball rolling.
Oh, don't bother correcting mom that you are not dead. She has probably forgotten that she called your sister. (although that must have been a shock for your sister!)
No you don't correct her, but you can just call her and act like you're not aware that she told your sister that you were dead. I'm guessing that she's probably forgotten by now anyway. The bigger concern here is the fact that your mother is still living on her own. That should scare the bejesus out of all of you. It's time to have a family meeting to figure out what to do with your mother now. I wish you the very best in getting things figured out.
Call mom and start a normal conversation. You’ll know soon enough if she thinks you’re dead. Chances are she’s forgotten she thought that.
Mom’s dementia has advanced, and you need to make other plans for her. This is a clear sign that she shouldn’t be living alone. Next time it could be a fantasy that she doesn’t share with any of you and ends up putting her in serious danger.
Example: my dad suddenly thought he had to go to his office at 2:00 a.m. He was 92 and had dementia. Fortunately someone was there to stop him. There was no indication beforehand that he’d get that thought in his head, much less act on it.
From your profile: I am caring for my mother Lela, who is 89 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, incontinence, and vision problems.
About Me Divorced, cancer survivor, one of 4 daughters trying to care for mother with dementia. (not diagnosed refuses to go to dr for diagnosia)
Yes. The bigger issue is what to do about mom who's living alone with this level of dementia going on? Who has POA for her? That person needs to use a therapeutic fib to get her to the doctor for a full medical and cognitive workup so she can either get in home help or placed in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility. If you wait for a crisis to occur, the option will be taken away from her anyway. The hospital or rehab will not allow her to return home to live independently once an accident has occurred. We learn this the hard way, most of us.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
Id just move on or change the subject. My hubby would laugh and say something like - must be someone else, I talk to her today” this is all more of an art than a science but preventing arguments and agitation seems key
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
We are all sensitive creatures scarred by life's trials and tribulations; we join forces here to better understand the afflicted and those of us who have traveled this painful journey for a long time and with those of us who have just arrived on the scene. If we can be inspired or shocked into a bit of laughter, we should be grateful because there are so few reasons to laugh anymore.
The other day there was a conversation about diarrhea and someone suggested hosing the person off like we would our beloved dogs................well, I'm laughing because it imprinted a momentary picture in my brain. I laughed and I'm glad I did, I needed a moment of humor even though I abhor the topic.
Perhaps those three simple words, "Live, Laugh, Love" are reminders to those of us who frequent this painful topic on a daily basis. Perhaps this mantra will help us be less sensitive and more open to humor. God bless us all.
Only my opinion, but after the last few days we need a lot MORE laughs on the Forum. We so often get all wound up with trauma and drama, and argument with one another about how best to handle this or handle that, and we tromp off into the weeds with such grim determination at times.
Just to say I so appreciate this laugh!
My (spayed) cat of 10yrs laid eggs and had kittens!!! It's tough trying to convince people who are delusional to think rationally.
I try to keep the conversations light. I don't tell her anything she could spin into a nightmare. I like that color on you. The weather is so nice today. I bet your lunch is going to be a good one. Look at this cute picture of your great grandson. That's as deep as it gets. I don't tell her anything bad that might be happening in the family or the news, etc. If I walk into her room and she has on a lifetime movie, I change it to animal planet or QVC.
Or, not.
Either way, your mother will most likely not remember.
She may even repeat the incident.
The question I would have is if your is potentially jeopardizing her safety and, yours and others well being, by being allowed to still use a phone ?
You may want to discuss this with her doctor and your family, and you can certainly include her in the conversation IF she is at all cognitively appropriate to do so.
In my case, my Mom is fully aware and will remember if someone has passed. However she will talk about the person as if that person is alive. She gets pretty huffy if you remind her that the person died.
In your case, it is possible that your Mom got her words mixed up and wanted to say to your sister that she hadn’t seen you in a long time.
I think you need to do an in person visit.
No, don't say anything but I too agree that Mom should not be left alone. And you do need a diagnosis. There are different types of Dementia that respond to different types of medication.
Eg I don't know where your sister went.. I think she must be DEAD!
Guardianship is not a "bad thing" but it can be expensive, restrictive, lots of paperwork and you do have to appear in court on occasion and you also have to send in to the court yearly updates as to how the Ward is doing.
I had to save EVERY receipt and be able to locate receipts if they were asked for.
So if there are easier ways around caring for someone that would be the way to go. But Guardianships may be necessary in some cases.
Mom should not be living alone. You never know when she may decide that she has to go to the store and go shopping at midnight...and get lost on the way there or home.
Diagnosed or not you are aware that she has cognitive problems.
If no one is POA then it is possible that someone will have to become her Guardian. (a talk with an Elder Care Attorney will help and they can talk to mom, if they think she is cognizant enough to understand POA she may be able to appoint someone POA and Guardianship can be avoided. )
If mom refuses to see an attorney it may come down to either waiting for an accident that will bring her to the ER or a call to APS that will get the ball rolling.
Oh, don't bother correcting mom that you are not dead. She has probably forgotten that she called your sister. (although that must have been a shock for your sister!)
I'm guessing that she's probably forgotten by now anyway.
The bigger concern here is the fact that your mother is still living on her own. That should scare the bejesus out of all of you.
It's time to have a family meeting to figure out what to do with your mother now.
I wish you the very best in getting things figured out.
Mom’s dementia has advanced, and you need to make other plans for her. This is a clear sign that she shouldn’t be living alone. Next time it could be a fantasy that she doesn’t share with any of you and ends up putting her in serious danger.
Example: my dad suddenly thought he had to go to his office at 2:00 a.m. He was 92 and had dementia. Fortunately someone was there to stop him. There was no indication beforehand that he’d get that thought in his head, much less act on it.
I am caring for my mother Lela, who is 89 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, incontinence, and vision problems.
About Me
Divorced, cancer survivor, one of 4 daughters trying to care for mother with dementia. (not diagnosed refuses to
go to dr for diagnosia)
Yes. The bigger issue is what to do about mom who's living alone with this level of dementia going on? Who has POA for her? That person needs to use a therapeutic fib to get her to the doctor for a full medical and cognitive workup so she can either get in home help or placed in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility. If you wait for a crisis to occur, the option will be taken away from her anyway. The hospital or rehab will not allow her to return home to live independently once an accident has occurred. We learn this the hard way, most of us.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck to you.
today! Thanks
this is all more of an art than a science but preventing arguments and agitation seems key