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Ear plugs? Keep music on or a noise machine to cut down on the volume of her calling for you?
Somehow try to come to terms with the fact that this is going to happen and try to stay calm and not let it get under your skin? Do what you need to do. You know she is safe and "OK" so you don't necessarily have to rush right back.
Who takes care of your mom when you’re working? Do they have this problem with her, or does she just do this with you?
Unfortunately, this is a typical symptom of dementia, and as such, there isn’t much you can fairly expect from your mother in terms of changing HER behavior.
I remember When MY mother lived with me, my wildest dream was a 5 minute shower without hearing her yelling for me.
Would you consider singing loudly from the bathroom when she starts to call your name? Might possibly be good for you both.
Another thought is a very small dose of anxiety medication. Ultimately this will pass, but it’s unfortunate that you’re more or less helpless when she does it.
Are you considering the possibility of residential care?
Dementia often reaches a point where in-home care becomes impossible; it's just way too taxing for the care-giver on too many levels. Have you looked into Memory Care for your mom? If not, you may want to start doing so now. Things don't get better with dementia behaviors, they only get worse, unfortunately.
You can put earplugs in your ears while you go to the bathroom; that should drown out the noise your mother is making and afford you a few minutes of peace. Short of that, I don't know what you can do, frankly. Again, a Memory Care ALF keeps the residents occupied and distracted all day in addition to feeding them 3 meals and 3 snacks every day and providing entertainment that you're incapable of doing at home. Not to mention she'll have others to interact with and a team of care-givers working 24/7 to keep her safe & happy.
In the meantime, go to Alzheimers.org and read up about dementia. Also listen to Teepa Snow videos on YouTube; she's a wonderful source of help for care-givers of dementia patients on a wide variety of topics. She will also help you to understand how your mother's mind is working nowadays and why she's behaving as she is. Very enlightening to know the mechanisms behind the disease,
I can only reinforce strongly that Teepa Snow videos are GREAT!! As for all the glowing remarks about putting her in MC or even ALF, I’m afraid my experience with Mom - even after I shopped and thought I’d found the perfect place - was NOT attentive 24/7 care and interaction with others. It was more like 24/7 aides and nurses visiting with each other after they had parked residents in front of the TV. Maybe a much more expensive facility would have offered all you describe, but I will not be looking for outplacement for my hubby as long as I am upright and conscious.
My mom does this too, when I go to the bathroom, when I go into the kitchen to make a meal, when I go put away clean folded clothes, when I go water all her plants. I try to take her with me and include her in everything...except my own bathroom runs & showers. It’s a tough life! My mom needs to be occupied almost all hours of the day. Wait until she calls your name all night long!
Only if 1) they understand and 2) they have a concept of time still. When visiting my mother, she'll ask where I am going if I have to use the bathroom or take/deliver items to her room (before lock down) and I do tell her. In her case, she pretty much forgets I was there!
If possible, give her a task to keep her busy, such as folding towels, something on TV to watch. Maybe a magazine or photo album to look through? Perhaps she is beyond these distractions. A bathroom run usually doesn't take too long, so if she's mobile or in a wheelchair, place her outside the room and talk to her? What do you do when you need to go out of the house or shower? Wait until she is sleeping? As someone else suggested, would any kind of mild anti-anxiety med help?
Thankfully my mother is living in MC, and even if I am visiting and have to leave her presence (bathroom or deliver things to her room), as soon as I am out of sight she tends to forget I was even there! So, the above is about all I can think of for suggestions.
My mother used to do this and it just got worse. In hospital she shouted my stepfather's name all the time, to the extent that everyone used to clap when he went in to visit!
An anti anxiety medication sounds like an idea but one thing an Admiral nurse explained to us, is that she is unlikely to be as distressed as she sounds - it is a learned behaviour. So in reality it is probably having a worse effect on you, than on her. With that in mind you need to do the things ypu need to but eventually you may need to look at extra help.
You might also have her doctor try her on a low dose of an anti anxiety agent. Buspar (brand name) comes in a generic, and is not as strong as a benzodiazepine. It might be worth a try to see if it keeps her anxiety tamped down. It worked for my dad.
If you are taking a shower or bath and your bathroom is large enough bring your Mom inside the bathroom and let her sit either on the bowl or a chair so she doesn't get anxious.
I'm also wondering who takes care of your Mom while you are working, doing the food shopping, errands, etc.
I bought my Mom an Alexa Echo Dot and she loves it! She plays music she loves PLUS I'm able to talk to her from my cell through the Alexa no matter where I am.
Last but not least I also bought my Mom a robotic therapy dog (they make cats too) and that keeps my Mom not only calm but gives her so much joy.
Funny you said joy... The one my OB bought for our mother when she was still in her condo was the robotic cat named Joy! Mom was never a pet person, tolerated us having a dog (mainly outdoor). I was there when it arrived and on the phone with him complaining about where it was. I told him she will say 2 things: What did you waste money on that for? and You should have sent that to your sister (me) since she's the cat person.
Although it was never really a comfort for her, she was and probably still is fascinated by what it can do! I know she showed it to her neighbors when still in the condo, but again, mainly because of what it could do, not that she was attached to it!
I do recommend trying one of these robotic pets, for those who had or miss their pets. It can be a good source of comfort to them!
There comes a time where we can not fill their every need. And sometimes it is in their best interest to be in a memory care unit {if affordable}. I fought the idea but now I can admit my mom looks so much better, gained her lost weight and has non stop attention from others and staff. I could not be with her every minute and fill all her attention needs. I am more relaxed and she looks healthier. Just a thought...
I'm also realizing that I can only do so much and will definitely put mom in MC if needed. This forum has helped me realize that my life matters too and I don't need to go crazy taking care of mom
I had the same problem last year when I got mom from India to live with me. She was walking out of her ALF and doing all kinds of bizzare things and couldn't be alone anymore.
When I got her here, I'd tell her almost every hour that I was in the house and she's not to call my name or keep looking for me. I did this for a few days and her behavior stopped. Of course, it drove my husband crazy to hear repeat myself but at least it ended her calling me.
Sorry to say but when dementia patients get to this point, there is no way you can reason with them. They simply do not understand, comprehend what people are saying any more, pretty much. The best thing now is to put her in a facility. One person trying to deal with a dementia patient's issues are just too much. If you could get people from your church to assist you... they take turns while you go do whatever but if you cannot get that much needed assistance, you should put her in a facility. Again... this is too much for one person.....
For an immediate solution, get headsets or ear buds or play music in the bathroom. Take your well-deserved shower, wash your hair, add a dab of perfume, and enjoy your time. You deserve it. Don't bring mom into your bathroom. Don't. Even with newly born, completely dependent infants, we did manage to take showers, alone.
And let's imagine the worse - mom, who is clean, fed, and seated (all due to your good efforts), becomes agitated from calling your name, tries to move, and falls. This is not your fault. She would have fallen for some other reason unless you plan to never leave her side. In real life, of course you will have to leave her side, you still have a life, and a fall is on the way.
A longer solution is to put your mom where she will get care and attention and you can take an untroubled shower. You deserve it, and so does she.
One thing that always interests me in some of these forum discussions is the extent that some people will go to to recreate the entire universe so that a broken-brained, elderly individual encounters no problems. Their very existence is problematic and no cure is coming any time soon. For most, death is the cure. Medicine has done a good job keeping bodies well, but not so much for the life of the brain. Sad but true.
What most people are saying about placing their LO in a facility, is good advice - I was planning on this for my mom when COVID broke out.
Right now, however, until it is MUCH safer in the facilities, I wouldn't dream of sending mom to one, as in my mind, right now it would basically be a death sentence!
A lot of the suggestions are excellent, however, pretty general and do not work in all situations.
Try bringing a mirror in, close to her bed or chair, so she can see herself. Maybe try a routine. Make a video recording of yourself telling her a story, in which you are visible as you are reading the story to her. Maybe make more than one, so there's some variety. When it's time for your shower, tell your Mom, "It's STORY time!" and play one of the videos. It will make you "present" while you are absent. Maybe fix a snack or treat for her to enjoy while she watches. Hope this helps.
Are you working from her home or leaving to go to work? Just asking because I wondered who is w/her and how she does when you go to work.
When you leave the room, tell her where you are going and will be right back. Maybe turn on the TV to get her thoughts on something else besides no one in the room with her. Hand her something to do - does she sew, crochet???
Accept that your mother will come to no harm even if she is constantly calling for you. This will help you to filter out the calls while you are trying to go to the bathroom in peace! Then when you are done, you return to her and reassure her.
We had a situation on this theme at work: our client was using the bathroom and I was supporting him while my colleague stripped and made his bed; but the client became anxious and starting shouting "Mary! Mary! Where are you! Get in here! Mary!" He was calling his wife, but my very puzzled colleague popped her head round the door and said to me "is everything okay?" My colleague's name happens to be Mary :)
It will make *you* feel better if you tell your mother in simple language what you are going to do. E.g. "I am going to the bathroom, Mother. You have everything you need. I will be back in five minutes." Then you go. Your mother won't remember, she will continue to call you, but *you* will know that even though she is calling she isn't actually in any trouble.
My mom is 90 with continuing to worsen Dementia. She is not too bad in the mornings, as after her breakfast, she goes back to sleep most days. Some days, I try to run out to pick up a few groceries and necessities, less than a hour, and when I get back she's freaking out, because she can't remember that I told her I was going to the store. I have not used delivery for groceries, as the wait is too long.
Each day is a little different as to when she starts to get antsy and has Sundowners.
With COVID, I can't get anyone to sit with her. So, I am sorry to say that I don't have any suggestions for you. But you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/an-inside-take-on-dementia-behaviors-197990.htm
Scroll down to the second headline about Shadowing. I wish you all the best!
Somehow try to come to terms with the fact that this is going to happen and try to stay calm and not let it get under your skin? Do what you need to do. You know she is safe and "OK" so you don't necessarily have to rush right back.
Unfortunately, this is a typical symptom of dementia, and as such, there isn’t much you can fairly expect from your mother in terms of changing HER behavior.
I remember When MY mother lived with me, my wildest dream was a 5 minute shower without hearing her yelling for me.
Would you consider singing loudly from the bathroom when she starts to call your name? Might possibly be good for you both.
Another thought is a very small dose of anxiety medication. Ultimately this will pass, but it’s unfortunate that you’re more or less helpless when she does it.
Are you considering the possibility of residential care?
You can put earplugs in your ears while you go to the bathroom; that should drown out the noise your mother is making and afford you a few minutes of peace. Short of that, I don't know what you can do, frankly. Again, a Memory Care ALF keeps the residents occupied and distracted all day in addition to feeding them 3 meals and 3 snacks every day and providing entertainment that you're incapable of doing at home. Not to mention she'll have others to interact with and a team of care-givers working 24/7 to keep her safe & happy.
In the meantime, go to Alzheimers.org and read up about dementia. Also listen to Teepa Snow videos on YouTube; she's a wonderful source of help for care-givers of dementia patients on a wide variety of topics. She will also help you to understand how your mother's mind is working nowadays and why she's behaving as she is. Very enlightening to know the mechanisms behind the disease,
Best of luck!
Good luck. Stay safe.
Thankfully my mother is living in MC, and even if I am visiting and have to leave her presence (bathroom or deliver things to her room), as soon as I am out of sight she tends to forget I was even there! So, the above is about all I can think of for suggestions.
An anti anxiety medication sounds like an idea but one thing an Admiral nurse explained to us, is that she is unlikely to be as distressed as she sounds - it is a learned behaviour. So in reality it is probably having a worse effect on you, than on her. With that in mind you need to do the things ypu need to but eventually you may need to look at extra help.
I'm also wondering who takes care of your Mom while you are working, doing the food shopping, errands, etc.
I bought my Mom an Alexa Echo Dot and she loves it! She plays music she loves PLUS I'm able to talk to her from my cell through the Alexa no matter where I am.
Last but not least I also bought my Mom a robotic therapy dog (they make cats too) and that keeps my Mom not only calm but gives her so much joy.
Jenna
Although it was never really a comfort for her, she was and probably still is fascinated by what it can do! I know she showed it to her neighbors when still in the condo, but again, mainly because of what it could do, not that she was attached to it!
I do recommend trying one of these robotic pets, for those who had or miss their pets. It can be a good source of comfort to them!
Memory care may also be your next step.
Tale care.
When I got her here, I'd tell her almost every hour that I was in the house and she's not to call my name or keep looking for me. I did this for a few days and her behavior stopped. Of course, it drove my husband crazy to hear repeat myself but at least it ended her calling me.
And let's imagine the worse - mom, who is clean, fed, and seated (all due to your good efforts), becomes agitated from calling your name, tries to move, and falls. This is not your fault. She would have fallen for some other reason unless you plan to never leave her side. In real life, of course you will have to leave her side, you still have a life, and a fall is on the way.
A longer solution is to put your mom where she will get care and attention and you can take an untroubled shower. You deserve it, and so does she.
One thing that always interests me in some of these forum discussions is the extent that some people will go to to recreate the entire universe so that a broken-brained, elderly individual encounters no problems. Their very existence is problematic and no cure is coming any time soon. For most, death is the cure. Medicine has done a good job keeping bodies well, but not so much for the life of the brain. Sad but true.
Right now, however, until it is MUCH safer in the facilities, I wouldn't dream of sending mom to one, as in my mind, right now it would basically be a death sentence!
A lot of the suggestions are excellent, however, pretty general and do not work in all situations.
When it's time for your shower, tell your Mom, "It's STORY time!" and play one of the videos. It will make you "present" while you are absent. Maybe fix a snack or treat for her to enjoy while she watches.
Hope this helps.
When you leave the room, tell her where you are going and will be right back. Maybe turn on the TV to get her thoughts on something else besides no one in the room with her. Hand her something to do - does she sew, crochet???
We had a situation on this theme at work: our client was using the bathroom and I was supporting him while my colleague stripped and made his bed; but the client became anxious and starting shouting "Mary! Mary! Where are you! Get in here! Mary!" He was calling his wife, but my very puzzled colleague popped her head round the door and said to me "is everything okay?" My colleague's name happens to be Mary :)
It will make *you* feel better if you tell your mother in simple language what you are going to do. E.g. "I am going to the bathroom, Mother. You have everything you need. I will be back in five minutes." Then you go. Your mother won't remember, she will continue to call you, but *you* will know that even though she is calling she isn't actually in any trouble.
My mom is 90 with continuing to worsen Dementia. She is not too bad in the mornings, as after her breakfast, she goes back to sleep most days. Some days, I try to run out to pick up a few groceries and necessities, less than a hour, and when I get back she's freaking out, because she can't remember that I told her I was going to the store. I have not used delivery for groceries, as the wait is too long.
Each day is a little different as to when she starts to get antsy and has Sundowners.
With COVID, I can't get anyone to sit with her. So, I am sorry to say that I don't have any suggestions for you. But you will be in my thoughts and prayers.