My mother is 90 years old, but is perfectly capable of doing her daily chores. But wants to be waited on 24/7 and feels like she owns us children. What to do?
My 89 yrsr old mother wants to be waited on hand and foot and she has always loved to be taken care of.
she is the type of person who has always loved to be pushed around in a wheelchair.
But also her entire life she had to work to take care of us six kids that she kept having with our dad who did not support us financially . She's always had a lot of anxiety and issues and she got rid of my dad with her with her yelling .
anyway, Her idea of a vacation would be to go to a hospital and be waited on and have her food brought to her but it has to be food that she wants.
The worst problem she has is being hard of hearing and says her eyesight is going but often surprises me by being able to see very well like she forgets.
Is there a condition where a person just wants to be taken care of all the time and waited on hand and foot. ?
What causes this when they're still able to do it themselves.
My mother is more healthy than my 69-year-old sister but she expects my 69 year old sister to be at her beck and call. She cares nothing about my sister's life.
She cares nothing about any of our lives and thinks we should be there.
My mother has no assets and cannot afford anyone to come in but even if she could she would not allow it she would not allow home health care in she wants us to come in and do everything everyday.
She loves to be taken care of. She is extremely healthy and will probably live to be 110 I fully believe she will outlive the people that she is using now, us 'kids'. If we do not do everything she wants when she wants it she will fake a stroke or something just to force us to do what she wants done. And every single time she will deny that any of this happened. It has been very difficult. She has absolute ability to determine and to take her pills which she only has three different types of pills which is pretty good for her age.
My mother was not a very kind mother not very affectionate but she did work and keep all of us kids together when our dad was not able to support us but it was not a good experience as she liked to yell a lot. I've never felt close to my mother and I don't want to be close to her now but I am forced to do all of her electronic and Financial work fix her phone a few times a week. And every time she will say see that was no big deal. I very much resent her and so it is very difficult for me. My husband helps a lot by doing some of the chores for me.
She is ruining my sister's life and now she is ruining one of my younger brother's Life by calling him all the time for stupid stuff. It's like she has absolutely no awareness or care for our own lives and how difficult they are. One of my brothers is homeless and lives in a car or he lives here at at our house and she calls him to do work for her but she will not let him live with her and he would not be able to stand living with her anyway.
If you try to talk to her about any of this stuff she is flabbergasted because she believes herself to be so charming and wonderful. She cannot get the Medicaid so that she can move into an assisted living or nursing home because she makes $40 over the income of $1350 or whatever it is a month.
She went to a rehab place courtesy of Medicare after she had a ' stroke' which was really just a panic attack because my sister wanted to go to on a short 4 day trip she needed to keep my sister from going anywhere. I told my sister never to tell her if she was going somewhere.
But my mom used it as an excuse to go into the hospital and she went to a rehab afterwards and she hated it even though she had a private room. So I know she would absolutely hate a nursing home even if Medicaid would put her in one.
I don't know what my question is other than is there a specific mental illness that causes a person that wants to be waited on hand and foot like a baby?
Want their hair washed want a shower and they want their daughters to do all this personal care for them. I want to escape!
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I suspect that your mom isn’t doing as well as you think she is.
If she does need guidance, then guide her into the right direction, then move along and live your own lives.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
I think you are right, need.
It is called Narcissist Personality Disorder. More here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662#:~:text=Narcissistic%20personality%20disorder%20is%20a,about%20the%20feelings%20of%20others.
All folks have some level of narcissistic traits and behaviors. This is the self-centered self of a two year old child or of the adolescent teenager; but most grow up and out of this whereby it does not overtake them to expect or outright demand special treatment such as being weighted on hand and foot; or expecting adult children to do everything for them to the detriment of the adult child who may be 60+ still trying to get mom's unconditional love by saying "how high" to jump, when mom says jump.
These patterns can be prevalent in some households where one parent is this way, the other an enabler and the children frankly groomed/conditioned to do what ever the parent wants irrespective of how it may negatively impact the child/children when they are young and living at home. The patterns continue throughout the life of the narcissist parent with older adult children doing much of what you described well into their own later years. Dementia can certainly exacerbate the pattern as the older parent looses more an more of their abilities cognitively, physically and behaviorally (the later being their ability to manage their behaviors/emotions becoming more needy and demanding).
Sorry you are going through this. Others have mentioned boundaries, this is key. Perhaps a family meeting w/your siblings so all get on the same page to learn the word "NO" -- I am not doing X or Y now; I will come over for 1 hour and help with Z (something you might choose that is important) and make it clear to your LO that they will need to either work out other help to come in (a paid aid, a housekeeper, etc.) OR they will have to work out other living arrangements moving forward. AKA there has to be a hard STOP on the "doing everything for them!" As it is not feasible much less realistic for this pattern to be good for anyone.
Yes, they will pitch a total fit. Get used to it. But if you ever raised kids, and your 2-year old wanted candy for dinner I assume you said "NO" and did NOT give in because you as an adult knew what was best. You and your adult siblings know what is best now for your aging parent and that is NOT to sacrifice your life on the alter of their unrealistic demands NO MATTER HOW ANGRY they get.
I had to deal with a similar situation w/my mom and no siblings to help or hinder the situation. You may find working with a talented therapist to process and to work through this helpful. I have found that it took years to condition/groom me for this and 3 years into it (working with a therapist) I am healing, but it is NOT an easy or fast journey towards healing.
As adults we do NOT owe our parents whatever they want/demand; we can love them by helping them get the care they need if they are willing to take the necessary steps on their end. Or adult protective services can step in for those beyond taking or unable to accepting their own responsibility for their end of life lives. Parents do NOT OWN their children as property no matter what their age.
I hope you and your siblings can come together, to learn about this awful dynamic playing out in your family and to be able to set boundaries of what is reasonable help or assistance w/your parent.
Good luck on this journey as it is NOT a journey any of us wanted to go on.
You nailed it on the head. My father was a textbook case; a lifetime of NPD AND ASPD. The older they get, the worse it gets. I didn't escape the F.O.G. until my mother died. In fact, 64 years of marriage/stress, putting up with his emotional and verbal abuse, is what killed her (massive stroke.) He lived for 17 more months in ALF, but I was finally done. I went NC 2 months before the pandemic broke out until he finally passed at age 96.
Zero grief or guilt. I have since cut ties with both siblings who deserted me to deal with it all. Out of sight, out of mind.
"Blood is not thicker than peace of mind."
Having said that, I can only speak from my own experience and perspective when it comes to wanting to be "waited on".
Here goes:
Life is a circle. We're born knowing nothing and rely on our parents to teach us how to walk, talk, run, reason, and gain understanding of the world we live in. If we're lucky enough to have parents that give us shelter, food, clothing and warmth, even better. I do get though why you're resentful per growing up with her treatment of you. This may be a situation to apply for Medicaid/care for her.
But we live our lives WHILE we continue to age, and most of the time we decline physically, mentally, and EMOTIONALLY. Seniors often return to manipulation to gain sympathy and love/support, just like a child would.
It does no good to grow resentful over this. However, I see it alot with people who have a thin skin and no patience to deal with what you describe. From the view of my tree branch, it would seem helpful to you if you ignore the faux need for attention and just give her some TLC. I have found a little goes a long way.
My parent used to not answer the phone to see how fast I'd jump in the car to get to the house. Once I caught on, I just didn't do it anymore - but that's when I realized that it was a cry for attention. So I replaced that behavior of said parent with a "schedule" so that my parent knew what to expect from us and WHEN. That helped a great deal so that we COULD have a life.
I think you have to be a little bit more open to your mother's age and her possible fears. Sometimes the aging senior who makes it as far as your mother has, needs to reconcile with what comes next for them. Mine is currently wrestling with a spiritual quandary in worrying about getting someone from the church to come and visit to minister. And it's a real fear that's being expressed.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, but I sure try and give as much understanding, repetition, and consistency as possible. It keeps the anxiety levels down. Your mother seems to need some of the aforementioned.
Some things for you to think about.
It is a horrible feeling to resent someone so old. I dont mind that she doesnt appreciate all that is being done for her.
Or taking her to lots of doctor appts.
I just hate the nonstop negativity and complaints and phone calls.
Even if she were in a nursing home shed still be complaining and needing us to bring coffee and food everyday.
Oh well, it will work out.
The fact is, mother does NOT own you children nor is she entitled to have you waiting on her hand and foot. Decide what you and your siblings will and will not do for mom, and set up a schedule of when it will be done and by whom. When the duty call is finished, so are you. Just bc she expects things to be done for her in a certain way does not mean it must play out that way. I'd like filet mignon and lobster tail every night for dinner but reality says otherwise. It's time you give mother a reality check now by setting down some firm boundaries you DO NOT VEER FROM FOR ANY REASON.
Good luck.
If mom could fake a stroke well enough for Medicare to pay for rehab and a private room, she deserves an Academy Award. As for your passing it off as a panic attack, maybe you get a Pulitzer Prize for fiction.
How are you qualified to diagnose a panic attack that medical professionals must have diagnosed as a stroke? Why would you want to?
I don’t doubt that mom thrives on attention. But what variety of denial causes a daughter to gloss over a mom’s apparently real illness? If she had a stroke, that could be causing cognitive issues and a lot of other things. Perhaps she needs more rehab. Certainly she should have a cognitive assessment.
I wish you luck in dealing with this.
At almost 90 years old , I suspect she may be struggling or just plain too tired physically and/or mentally to do some things . Whether she can do them or not , she still isn’t doing . There is likely some cognitive decline as well, where she just can’t figure out how to do some things . ( Electronics get more difficult for many as we age ) .
Does anyone have POA? Has Mom had any cognitive testing ?
Set boundaries as far as what you will do and how often you will do it , and what you won’t do . Tell her to hire an aide for bathing . You don’t have to do it because ‘she had 6 kids and worked her entire life ‘ . That was her decision . You don’t owe her bathing .
A very wise social worker from our County Area of Aging told me “ stop helping your mother , let her fail . This is how you get them to realize they need to accept ( hired ) help “. The social worker came out to evaluate ( spoke with ) my mother and determined that my mother could not live independently at home , it was not safe . Mom could not “ come up with a plan “ for certain hypothetical scenarios .
My mother could do her own pills also , so did my FIL , but they both had vascular dementia and couldn’t figure out how to do certain things although they could fool other people into thinking they were still competent . Their memories were good and could carry on intelligent conversations and seem sweet to others. With us they were demanding and could not be bothered to do things for themselves . In reality they just couldn’t figure out how to do some things , or mentally it was just too difficult . The bathing is a perfect example . To us it’s simple . To someone with dementia it’s too taxing . You have to get the water temp right , have a towel and soap ready , clean clothes laid out for when you finish . Do the actual showering , dry off , get dressed . To someone with dementia this is just too hard mentally .
The social worker was going to return with another person to remove my mother from her home and place her in assisted living facility that I chose . ( My mother had refused to tour at any) . My dumb sister told my aunt . My mother got wind of this from my aunt and faked a heart attack to avoid being removed from her home .
While in the hospital we told them what was going on and the social worker at the hospital called and spoke with the social worker that had come to the house to see my mother . The hospital did cognitive testing , diagnosed her dementia and determined she could not safely live alone in her house any longer and then she went straight to the facility( I had chosen ) from the hospital . We also had POA .
I hope one of your mothers children has POA , otherwise try to get Mom to a lawyer to draw it up before cognitive testing is done . If not , it’s expensive to get guardianship later . The other option is if you don’t want POA you let the state or county appoint their own guardian when the time comes . The family would have no say or control over anything as far as Moms care though .
Let your mom fake something to get into the hospital and then tell them what’s going on , they can do cognitive testing there to determine if she needs to go to a facility . Tell them you can not take care of her anymore . Good luck .
The rehab sent in her medicaid and I think they did it wrong. We havent been able to fix it. My sister spent two days on the phone trying to find out what info medicaid used to decide spend down etc.... my mom doesnt have 467.00 to send medicaid each month even with my sister and I assisting her financially each month.
I just never expected my mother to become so terrible picky and needy.
I guess the only solution is to get online and read everything i can on medicaid which Ive started......
Obviously having adult offspring as servants is not going to work for the offspring.. but behind the manipulation & expectactions may lie lonliness, anxiety, fear.
These are valid feelings.
Maybe the offspring will need to skill up their manipulation? To manoeuvre more non-family helpers for Mother.
Your siblings are adults.
They can choose to answer their phones ar all hours & put in silent mode. They can choose to do all odd jobs, or be busy. They can choose to be hounded & feel powerless or take back their power - have an honest chat with Mother about her care needs vs what they can offer.
The simple answer is: She is used to getting her own way because you / the family abide by her demands/instructions/desires. She wants what she wants when she wants it. (Why not, wouldn't we ALL want this) ? (Some of us more sensitive to others though).
The answer is:
[You = means each adult child]
Each adult child needs to SET BOUNDARIES and limits.
As you say: She is ruining my sister's life and now she is ruining one of my younger brother's Life by calling him all the time for stupid stuff. It's like she has absolutely no awareness or care for our own lives and how difficult they are.
* You need to realize that she ISN'T RUINING anything... each of you are allowing her to dictate how you behave.]
The key here though is that you need to understand what is running you to continue to do what she says. When she says jump, you say 'how high.'
This is 'automatic behavior' and likely developed over decades. . . . Whether responding out of fear, duty, guilt, you are all 'jumping like rabbits' to appease her.
She sounds like a narcissistic personality type.
Whether or not that is true, at her age, it doesn't really matter what her behavior is defined as, with the exception of UNDERSTANDING how / why she is how she is (not to mention having to raise six kids. That would 'harden' / change a mother's personality to survival mode.
The bottom line is you all do what you can to assist her while maintaining your own (healthy life-style).
* You understand she will 'rant, scream, have tantrums' when you all change your behavior as she is used to - for decades - getting what she wants.
She will not like this new behavior although you need to STAND FIRM.
- Consider your (each child) self-esteem. Do you feel confident in yourself? like / love yourself? Likely most / all of you have given your personal power away to your mother (the life-long dynamics / behavior responses).
- Changing how you think about yourself - and your mom - won't be easy as everyone is 'locked in' this relationship psychologically, emotionally, and every other way. STILL, if you (all) want a life, you need to do what is (1) in your best interest and (2) hers.
- Clearly tell her (and write it down, like an official contract) what you (all) will do and when.
- Do NOT waiver from what you say you will / will not do. (She, of course, will 'work' on each of you to wear you down. This is understandable. Gentle, assertively, calmly respond "This is what I am able to do for you (the what and when - time commitment ("12N-4pm, I will be there to help you with xxx").
Collectively, if she doesn't have any income for caregivers for a few hours a week or whatever is needed, pull your $ resources as a family. Mother will NOT want an outsider coming in. That doesn't matter. When you all work out a schedule of who does what and when (to help her), when there is a needed time slot needing care support, you bring someone in. Period. No discussion.
Lastly, never ever argue with your mother.
In her eyes, she is (and will always be) right.
Do (learn/practice to) offer reflective listening,
i.e., "I hear you saying XXX" and that's it.
You give her the schedule of care, discuss it, and tell her this is what we are doing. You smile, be calm, and act confidently. You do not argue with her. When she says ... I need ... I want ... you say, "I Hear you saying xxx" and respond accordingly AS BEST you can.
Realize that she will NEVER EVER be happy with these changes.
That isn't the point. The point is for you / the family to not burn out and to have a life. Boundary setting = self-respect and self-care. Do not continue to give your personal power away to your mother.
We all need to learn that we do that best we can and that's it.
Do not exhaust yourselves. Realize that if you are not able to take care of YOU, you are there to take care of HER.
Gena / Touch Matters
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