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Diabetes, CHF, CKD stage 4, severe edema, anemia, oxygen. Nursing home is well regarded and I visit almost daily at random times. She feels like she is in prison.
The hard truth is Mom's happiness is up to her. To join in with activities, keep social as best she can. Even if that is being wheeled in a wheelchair or princess chair to a dayroom for a sing-along or watch TV.
Be aware that some family get the 'pity party' face while staff & others get a different one.
You are the safe person. Mom can share her true feelings with you.
Take it. Be glum for a min. Give her a hug. Acknowledge 'old age ain't for sissies' as they say. Then add confidence, a smile: Let's make the best of it! ❤️🤗🌻
In the California Sunday article I posted here, the nondemented roommate was the one who refused to go to parties. The cake, the hats, the syrupy “are we having fun yet” was just too much. Group socialization isn’t for everyone.
I'm not sure what you mean "all this medical care". The OP's mother has diabetes, CHF, CKD stage 4, severe edema, anemia" and needs oxygen. What do you propose? Telling the nursing home to stop diabetes medication, blood pressure meds, diuretics and oxygen? She also has chronic kidney disease Stage 4. Are you suggesting she tell the doctor to stop her medications? I don't think she wants to hasten her mother's death. That's her mother's decision. I would suggest she talk to her mother about this. As long as Mom is fully capable of making her own health decisions (i.e. hospice care), she should let her do it. Mom has physically lost a lot of autonomy, but her wishes should be followed.
Perhaps you can help by not visiting every day, allowing that time for your mother to better interact with the other folks living there, as her happiness is not your responsibility. I mean I believe that I too would be unhappy if I was dealing with all of the health issues that your mother has(wouldn't you?), but it would be up to me to make the best of things. As the saying goes "growing old isn't for sissies" and in a lot of cases that is so true, but as in all things, it is not what life gives us but how we deal with what life gives us that matters most. And in the case of your mother, perhaps an anti-depressant may be helpful too, or even bringing hospice on board. Just a thought.
Of course she’s unhappy, she has a litany of unfixable medical conditions and has lived an incredibly long life, one that’s sure to have included many losses. Acknowledge her feelings, then discuss something positive. Ruminating only helps cows. Take her small things she enjoys, take her outdoors when possible, and mostly know this isn’t something that’s fixable. You’ve made sure she’s safe and cared for, that’s huge. I wish you both peace
I'd ask the nursing home people how she is doing. Does she get better/worse after your visits? Does she participate in any activities? Before her illnesses, was she a social person? How long has she been there? If it's not long, maybe this is an adjustment period. Think about visiting less. It seems to be upsetting the two of you.
This is not an "uncommon" complaint/"feeling" on the part of seniors. If you really think about it this is the last loss for your Mother who now has no power over her own life. The complaint makes sense.
So the problem here is not making mother happy about the nursing home. Rather the problem is YOU. You must be made to accept that your mother is and will be unhappy, and that there is no "fix" for this. You must learn to accept that you are not responsible for the happiness of your parent. You never were/are not/never can be.
If you need a few sessions with a good COGNITIVE therapist to learn how to change your habitual habits of thinking there is something you can/must do about this, then do see one. That's your best way toward a fast recognition that this is one of those tough things in life that simply has no "answer". Sympathize with your mother's grief. Let her know you hear, see and feel her pain. And let her understand that despite the wishes of you both, there is nothing that can change this.
My mom needed me to visit her daily. She was unhappy at first, but she saw me and had familiarity. When her sister visited her randomly, my mom kept expecting to see her. My mom would think her sister was going to show up. It was extremely disappointing when she was a no show. Predictability can be important to our loved ones. It's a sacrifice visiting often, but they need to feel that they're not being abandoned.
I agree. Frequent visits are a must. Especially if they still have all their faculties. No one (and I mean NO ONE) wants to end up in a nursing home to die with strangers. I know I would be depressed knowing it's the end of the line and I'm not in my home. I was able to keep my in-laws and Mom at home until the last couple of months of their lives, then visited every other day, then slept in my Mom's nursing home room for the last 2 weeks of her life. It was tough but I feel I did the best I could for her and was there for her last breath. I also was there for my in-laws last hour too. It was a privilege for me to be there for them in their final hours and I don't regret those last couple of months attending to their needs.
Of course she is unhappy. Her body has worn out. But there is nothing you can do to fix that and there is nothing you can to do make her happy. She has to find things to make herself happy.
It is kind of funny. My mom had 2 friends when she was in IL and them memory care. When she visited or was visited the common phrase was "well this is the next best thing" My mom started using that response to her friends. Maybe you can try to use it for explanation and move on.
Love this. I kind of think this is my mom's philosophy about her IL apartment. Would she love to be in her own home, able to take care of it? Sure. But she sees the positives in her current situation (for which I am grateful!).
My mother always wanted to come home when she was in a nursing home. A saving grace was that she had a wonderful roommate to talk to. There was a community room, but I don't think she hung out there very often.
You could talk to somewhere there to see if she is capable of participating in some activity and if she is being helped to do so, if she wants.
Sorry. But, these chronic diseases can be managed at home. With dedication and determination. The question is DO YOU REALLY WANT TO? It is a lot of work. Not every adult child wants to do the knee deep work. It has a lot to do with staying on appropriate diet, medication, exercises, ADLs assistance. It can be some. But, for a lot of adult children it isn't something they want to take on long term. They would rather someone else take on that task and journey. But, it can be done!!!
“Sorry” but you’re awfully judgmental. Are you volunteering to help?
I think the laundry list of conditions the OP mentioned would be a very daunting prospect to care for WELL in the home setting. I took care of my paralyzed father at home for 6 years with a wonderful sibling and it almost flattened me in my early 50s. The mother is 96 so how old do you think the OP is? And just what “exercises” would materially help a 96 year old with CKD Stage 4??!!
The sad truth is not many people at the age of 96 are happy. If you bring her home she will be unhappy there too sad to say. My mother was miserable at 95 and it didn’t matter where she was. She was unhappy at home and wanted to go to the nursing home so she could be with my father. We did that and she was unhappy there too.
She just hated this stage of life, the loss of control, the loss of friends, and she wanted out, no desire to live like she was with no mobility and unable to do the things she enjoyed. . I can’t say I blame her.
I totally agree with you. At 96, practically all of their friends, siblings, and other family members (maybe even their children) are no longer living. At this point, they just are tired of living. I don't blame them, especially the OP's mother who has many health issues. My own dear MIL (at age 90), who was always happy, vibrant and active, slowed down considerably at age 85. She really didn't have any health issues but just didn't have the physical & cognitive capacity like she wanted to have. She was also losing her hearing and just plain tired. She would tell me, "It's hard to die.". My FIL passed exactly a week before her and that broke her heart. She literally willed herself to die. She just couldn't go on. I'm glad they are together again.
Well, in a way, as we all age, we are in a prison. Ultimately, there at times when a person needs to experience pain / decline with a loved one 'standing by' and watching / witnessing this process happening. It isn't pleasant and it can be very grief filled and miserable.
How can you help? My sense is being as PRESENT as you can be w her so she knows she isn't alone, while she is struggling. To me, it isn't so much about what you can do, it is about being present with her, perhaps offering distraction(s). "Letting go" and just being with what is - is a process or experience - that we all must go through individually. I hope I'm not being to philosophical here.
By taking care of yourself, honoring how you feel (sad, grief stricken, whatever you feel) is a way 'to help' - you are being present with her. Hold her hand and tell her you love her. This is huge. And, then, you get a hug from someone who loves you. Gena / Touch Matters
I would sympathize and also talk to her about how she feels about starting hospice support so that the emphasis of her care can be on making her comfortable, not extending the time she is unhappy. I would say you are sorry that her health problems have led her here, but that is not something you can fix.
With all of that disease at play, and at 96, mom is unlikely to be happy, period. Old age tends to become such a burden after awhile, death offers relief from the torture. You cannot make mom happy, nobody can. Her diseases and advanced old age keep her feeling like a prisoner, not anything you're doing or not doing. Some folks are more accepting than others of their situations in life. I'm sorry your mom is one who isn't very accepting. Sending you both a prayer for peace.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Be aware that some family get the 'pity party' face while staff & others get a different one.
You are the safe person. Mom can share her true feelings with you.
Take it. Be glum for a min.
Give her a hug. Acknowledge 'old age ain't for sissies' as they say.
Then add confidence, a smile:
Let's make the best of it!
❤️🤗🌻
I mean I believe that I too would be unhappy if I was dealing with all of the health issues that your mother has(wouldn't you?), but it would be up to me to make the best of things.
As the saying goes "growing old isn't for sissies" and in a lot of cases that is so true, but as in all things, it is not what life gives us but how we deal with what life gives us that matters most.
And in the case of your mother, perhaps an anti-depressant may be helpful too, or even bringing hospice on board. Just a thought.
How long has she been there? If it's not long, maybe this is an adjustment period.
Think about visiting less. It seems to be upsetting the two of you.
So the problem here is not making mother happy about the nursing home. Rather the problem is YOU. You must be made to accept that your mother is and will be unhappy, and that there is no "fix" for this. You must learn to accept that you are not responsible for the happiness of your parent. You never were/are not/never can be.
If you need a few sessions with a good COGNITIVE therapist to learn how to change your habitual habits of thinking there is something you can/must do about this, then do see one. That's your best way toward a fast recognition that this is one of those tough things in life that simply has no "answer".
Sympathize with your mother's grief. Let her know you hear, see and feel her pain. And let her understand that despite the wishes of you both, there is nothing that can change this.
You could talk to somewhere there to see if she is capable of participating in some activity and if she is being helped to do so, if she wants.
I think the laundry list of conditions the OP mentioned would be a very daunting prospect to care for WELL in the home setting. I took care of my paralyzed father at home for 6 years with a wonderful sibling and it almost flattened me in my early 50s. The mother is 96 so how old do you think the OP is? And just what “exercises” would materially help a 96 year old with CKD Stage 4??!!
Not a helpful comment.
She just hated this stage of life, the loss of control, the loss of friends, and she wanted out, no desire to live like she was with no mobility and unable to do the things she enjoyed. . I can’t say I blame her.
Subtract the Covid angle of 2020, and you see in this story both a story of a woman on Medicaid and who was not. One was demented, and one was not.
A facility is not a happy place for anyone involved, really.
How can you help? My sense is being as PRESENT as you can be w her so she knows she isn't alone, while she is struggling. To me, it isn't so much about what you can do, it is about being present with her, perhaps offering distraction(s). "Letting go" and just being with what is - is a process or experience - that we all must go through individually. I hope I'm not being to philosophical here.
By taking care of yourself, honoring how you feel (sad, grief stricken, whatever you feel) is a way 'to help' - you are being present with her. Hold her hand and tell her you love her. This is huge. And, then, you get a hug from someone who loves you. Gena / Touch Matters