I have had many comments about how I am incapable of caring for her and I need to get help and all that stuff. I do not appreciate the negative comments as I am totally capable and have done everything. I have been in the medical field for over 35 years and do know what is going on. Please do not pass on negative comments as it makes me feel worse. I have never been close to my mother as she was mentally and physically abusive to my sister and I when growing up. My sister has opted out of helping her in any way and had disowned herself from the family after dad passed over 18 years ago. I am on my own and wish I would have just let the hospital place her, but I felt it was in her best interest to let her go home. So here I am and I'm miserable. It is so hard knowing how she was when I was younger. She is still abusive, especially mentally. People say it is wrong to leave her. The social worker said I should leave because my mental state is at risk but I feel guilty. I am the only one she has. My family says to just leave and take care of myself but others say it is cruel and wrong. Opinions?
You didn't cause your mom's limitations and can't fix them, so guilt's not an appropriate "feeling" and if you are feeling that I'd suggest a good cognitive therapist to guide you in breaking habitual patterns that your mom herself, out of her own limitations, undoubtedly created in you. Switch out your G-words and go for grief. Grief that mom is always unhappy and so are you.
You should study up on F.O.G. as some here have suggested. It might help.
Roger, your family suggests you leave and many have already dropped mom. I side with them.
You say that as many on the other side say you should not abandon her. So what?
Where does that leave you? It leaves you nowhere, because our entire country right now is completely divided. That's life.
It doesn't matter what others think.
It matters what is best for you. You are a grownup and only YOU can make your own decisions.
Whatever decisions you do make will not be in any wise perfect, and you'll have to live with them and accept responsibility for them.
You seem to think that there will be some perfect answer that will make all of this in some way OK, but there isn't. It's just life, and as such it's just messy.
We aren't therapists. We don't know anything you don't know and you know lots MORE about your own situation. We can't guide you. We have no answers for ourselves, let alone for you.
You are on a Forum and if you tell us things here, or ask us things here, you'll get a whole variety of advice put a whole variety of ways. Take advice that helps. Kick the rest to the curb.
Your goal isn't what others think, your goal isn't making your mom happy (god, that will NEVER happen). Your goal is to live your best life with as much quality and grace as you are able, picking good people to surround yourself with and doing your best to return their love. Even with THAT it will still get messy.
I side with those who think you can't be a good caregiver to a narcissistic mom. By that I mean NO ONE can. The reason is that you will stay mired in being a child of a narcissist, not a caregiver. Those who are good caregivers as family members give up being a family member and become the caregiver.
A caregiver cares about today, and today's shopping, bowel movement, eyesight, ears, bathtime, recreation, bladder control, appointments, documents, sleep patterns, and etc. They don't go on about narcissism, about childhood, about who thinks what and all that stuff. That is a son, not a caregiver.
So that's my never to be humble opinion.
Doesn't mean you can't kick it at once to the curb.
Wish you luck, Roger.
Seek help of a professional, because we here are just caregivers nattering on.
Been taking care of mom, for 3 pluse years, but unlike you I'm not 24/7
Much resentments towards my mom, not my childhood, but being kicked outta the family for leaving my mentally abusive husband. So resentments were huge.
Anyways the last month, I spend less time with my mom, told my siblings they buck up or moms going to end up in a facility,sooner rather than later, and ive learned so much about dementia, stuff I thought I already new. I was a caregiver for a few years, realized, I didn't know squat. And there was so much more information the last 10 years.
Anyways I think I'm trying to say, things can get better, and you have to take care of your mental health first and foremost. What ever that means for you, placing your mom or not. You have to come first
But YOU learned some stuff on your own, and that's what Roger is facing.
Like I said, hope you stick around. I always say that people will know they are healed when they do what YOU are doing, which is to still keep contact, but learn to shrug and smile and say "That's just her" and learn to set limits for their own well being. That's one huge undertaking.
On the one hand you say that you’ve been in the health field many years. On the other hand, you’re (I guess) saying you can’t cope, which is understandable. Knowing what to do and actually doing it are two different things.
I think you’ve handled as much as anyone could and that it’s time for you to make tracks out of there. I hope you can do that. Not trying to be negative, just saying what seems obvious to me.
You only want praise?
What do you want?
A bunch of yes-folk?
How will that help you make POSITIVE changes?
PS I have no idea of your qualification or life skills. I have no idea about your Mother's health issues or care needs. Only that you describe her as 'narcisstic'.
PPS Have you moved in for temporary rehab help? Moved in semi-permanently as she has a life-limiting or progressive illness?
Did Mother ASK you to move in?
Or what?
My advice to you is to listen to those people who told you to walk away from this situation in order to save your sanity. No one can “fix” a narcissist. A narcissist is a narcissist for life. Since it seems to me that you are concerned about your mother’s welfare, you should set her up in an assisted living or an independent living facility and then just walk away before her toxic nature destroys your sanity. While she is in the facility, it’s up to you if you want to visit her. If you go to visit her, just make your visits as short as possible.
Do not feel guilty for walking away from your mother’s toxic behavior because your mother DID NOT feel guilty when she was making you and your sister’s lives a miserable hell. Just remember that whatever help you give to your mother she will never appreciate it and she will turn around and blame you for everything that goes wrong with her.
Hoping you will find the courage and the strength to walk away from this toxic situation and that you will find peace in doing so.
Who the hell cares what other people have to say about the situation??? They're not living it.
If the people who say it's wrong or cruel to leave your mom, you tell them that they are more than welcome to step up to the plate and care for her.
It looks like to me that you're wanting a bunch of strangers on this forum to give you permission to get out of the mess that you've gotten yourself into.
Well I for one give you permission to leave as like I've stated on this forum many many times now, someone that was abused in any way, should NEVER care for the abuser, parent or not.
Please follow my advice I gave to you on your other thread about calling the local County Area of Aging to help with placement of your mother . This is how I got my narcissist mother removed from her home and put in a facility. Tell them she lives alone and it’s unsafe .
If that does not work , call APS .
Do not move in with her permanently . Do not have Mom move in with you .
It will be easier if she is living alone in order for an agency to deem her unsafe and remove her from her home. I was lucky, the first time they came to talk to Mom they said she was unsafe to live alone because when they interviewed her she could not “ come up with any plans “ when given scenarios of what to do if …… a fire , a flood , etc .
Sometimes they pass this interview the first time and you have to try again .
The other thing you can do is have a doctor say she can’t live alone . The other thing you can do is the next time she ends up in the hospital , let them place her , say you can’t take care of her and she lives alone . Tell them it’s an unsafe discharge to send her home.
Look at some facilities and have 2-3 in mind so when you have the opportunity to get her placed by one of the entities above , you can give them the names of the facilities that you prefer .
My mother had not had testing for dementia prior to having her removed from her home because she refused . She then was willing to go to the doctor to “ prove me wrong “ . She wanted the doctor to tell me that Mom could go back to her home . Well that was never going to happen . My mother lived in the same pajamas , ate only cookies , was throwing out the meals I was bringing her . The doctor did cognitive tests and also spoke to my mother without me in the room. The doctor told me that my mother said awful things about me and that I could not take care of her at home. The doctor asked me what my mother was like when I was a child. When I told her the doctor was not surprised. I asked the doctor what Mom said , and she would not tell me , she said I did not need to know that . The doctor told me that my mother could not be taken care of by her daughter because her dementia was like pouring gasoline on a fire . Dementia made her narcissism worse . No one should take care of their childhood abuser ever . You can’t worry about what others think or say . They are not in your shoes.
I know it’s hard . But it’s not your fault that this is not working out. I’m a retired nurse and believed I was capable to take care of my mother as well. In reality you are not the problem. The problem is as the doctor stated to me. That someone with a narcissist personally and dementia can not be taken care of by family . Your mother will not listen to you , will not be cooperative , and will continue to be abusive. The doctor was actually more concerned about me than my mother . It’s very common for people with dementia to wind up in a facility . At some point it becomes too difficult to manage at home by family. The person with dementia needs people other than family to take care of them because the parent tries to manipulate their child. They won’t listen to you because they view you as a child. Your social worker is correct that you can’t be the one to take care of your mother .
It sounds like you are absolutely at your wits end. None of this is your fault . Again do not listen to those that say it’s cruel . They have no idea.
This is what the doctor told me . “ Your mother needs to be taken care of in a facility by strangers. “
Roger you have to get out of this situation to protect yourself. My mother at one point when she was still home hit me and threatened to call the police and lie and tell them that I hit her. She even said “ who is the police going to believe ? You or the old lady ?”
please read my answer below .
But I also want to add that I just reread your reply to me on your other thread and you said the SS worker already said Mom is not safe to live alone.
Call this guy back and ask if they are willing to physically remove your mother from the home and bring her to a facility.
When I had the County Area of Aging come to see my mother and they told me she was not safe home alone , they were willing to come back 2 weeks later to remove her from the home and place her in the facility I had chosen. A date was set for them to come remove her and the facility was going to accept mother on that date.
My mother would have never gotten out of my car at a facility , she would have demanded to go home. So the County Area of Aging social worker was returning with a “ big man” to put my mother in their car and bring her to the facilty.
They also told me not to say anything to Mom that this was happening . Myself and my siblings were supposed to be at the house that day sort of as an intervention to show Mom we all were in agreement since she always would pit one kid against the other. It was the social worker who told us to all be there on that day when the social worker would tell Mom that she had to go to a facility and then the social worker and her “ big helper “ were going to remove Mom from the home . Perhaps the social worker will suggest a different approach to get your mother removed from the home . It’s best if you don’t try to bring her to a facility yourself .
Before the day Mom was to be removed from her home , My one stupid sister told my Aunt what was going to occur and my aunt called my mother to warn her that her kids were going to put her in a nursing home . So my advice is do not tell people your plan of how to get Mom in a facility .
My Mom had a mini breakdown got more confused , I had to call 911, but she refused to go in the ambulance , so they left . Then 12 hours later she said she had chest pains so I called 911 again and they took her that time . She did not have a heart attack , it was an anxiety attack .
When Mom went to the hospital , I told the social worker there what was supposed to happen and I gave her the phone number of the social worker that had been to the house . Mom was told by the doctor and social worker she had to go to assisted living . The facility was able to admit Mom earlier than the original admission date . Mom was transported via ambulette service from the hospital to her assisted living facility . It was better this way , to have her going via ambulette . Not family car .
You already have a SS worker that says she can’t live alone . Call him to see how they can help get Mom removed from the home . Do you know if they recommend AL or Memory care ? You will need to set up what facility she is going to . Originally , My mother’s facility was willing to take her without visiting or interviewing Mom at home because we knew my Mom would have flipped out over impending placement . The facility took the word of the social worker regarding my mother’s needs . The social worker called the facility and spoke with them and set up the date and time for placement . However , when it turned out that my mother ended up in the hospital , someone from the facility did go meet Mom there to speak with her . I did have to fill out paperwork at the facility ahead of time.
Good Luck . It’s is the best for you and Mom .