She hit the corner of the coffee table and has a goose egg bump on her head. She should be checked over by a doctor, but has already refused medical care when I took her to the emergency room after an even worse fall some time ago, and refused medical care when I called 911 after a fall last week. It's been explained to me that no one can force medical care on her. I believe she has dementia, but we haven't a diagnosis because she refuses to see a doctor or have medical care. Help.
FrequentFlyer made a wonderful suggestion in an earlier post. Could you tell Mom that she HAS to be checked out because she’s falling so much and if Medicare finds out she wasn’t checked out to find out why, they could drop her? That’s what we call the “therapeutic fib”. You mention that Mom has cancer. Has she doctored for that? A word in her oncologists ear might help, too
I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is when your parent is refusing care. I know you don't want to fight with her or go against her wishes. But in these cases, I find you have to go against their wishes. Call 911. Let the doctor know she refuses but you are concerned about her welfare. There is no choice.
Growing up I was passive and tried to be the good girl that did what her parents wanted. There was no back talk, no questioning, but I feel as an adult child that is a fatal mistake.
The roles are reversed and we must take charge. We must be assertive. Our parents might have undiagnosed medical conditions affecting their judgement and behaviours.
I hope you can get the help you need for your mom.
Thinking of you.
(((((Hugs)))))) and hoping for some treatment for mom and peace of mind for you.
When you have a moment, let us know how you got her to urgent care!
I remember when my Dad fell and had a major goose egg on his head. Of course my parents didn't tell me until many hours later. I was going to take Dad to urgent care, but he was too wobbly to walk. So I called 911. Rather be safe then sorry.
My own Mom had a brain bleed from a fall. Mom stayed in the hospital a couple of days then was sent home. Mom was back to her old self, stubborn as ever. Doctor requested she have caregivers watch over her, but my Mom wasn't going to have any part of that.
So let's think positive that your Mom will be back at home.
I was so glad that both my parents had such documents, it was like a blueprint to follow so I wouldn't worry that I wasn't following their wishes. Once Hospice was on board then no more hospital or urgent care runs.
I agree with your comments and I know you did not mean to be unkind to NoRecess. You said as much.
It seems very difficult to die at home of natural causes these days, especially if one has insurance. But it IS very difficult not to take whatever action we know to take when someone, really anyone, is hurt.
Plus we never know when an event, such as this fall, can render one incapacitated in a way that could cause years of misery vs a desired outcome of death if medical help isn’t sought.
In other words it just isn’t that easy, is it, to know what to do?
NoRecess if or when your mom is mentally able perhaps you could press for clearer instructions in writing on her wishes to not only protect you from negligence but to draw comfort and strength from that you are doing as instructed.
We know that not every problem can be anticipated or orchestrated for optimum outcome. You are doing the best you can NoRecess.
And Ahmijoy is right that we want to support you in this difficult time.
Please keep us updated.
That sounds like a good plan.
Hoping your Mom agrees to hospice after awhile.
My dad was like your mom. He refused medical intervention. He refused to go to the clinic despite the urgings of the home care nurses. When I knew he had pneumonia, I called 911. I begged them to visit and atleast try. They came. My dad refused them to do any vital signs. He refused to go to the ER. The medics told me that he has a right to refuse medical help. Then left.... If your mom truly wanted to die, then at the hospital, she could have told the doctor straight out: I was forced by my daughter to come here. I don't want to be treated. I want to go home... . If your mom was persistent, they are obligated to release her. But, if those doctors/nurses are like here, they would be able to sweet talk your mom to stay. Like with my dad.
You did the right thing... before they release her, make sure that hospice services have been approved. Hate for you to go home and then try to get it done. Your mom would resist you 100%. Take care.
Good call on your part, you did well to risk your mother's wrath and get her seen; and the outcome will, God willing, be exactly what she herself chose for her latter years.
She might even reflect that she has you to thank for bringing her there safely. Only, I wouldn't necessarily expect that... ;)
When she’s feeling better and back home, it might be helpful to really define what she means by dying at home. Mom has a DNR order, and I have reviewed different scenarios with the staff at her NH. If she falls and breaks something I do want her to get it set. But invasive procedures like surgeries etc, no. Maybe you can review different “what-ifs” with her. It’s not all about “dying at home”...it’s important to get an understanding on other less serious medical emergencies as well, so when the time comes she can die in the most comfortable way possible at home. When she thinks of dying at home, she may have this vision of peacefully passing in her sleep. Wouldn’t that be wonderful. But the reality is without a thought out plan it might be a lot more painful than peaceful. And I don’t think either of you would want that.
Good job. This is tough stuff.
I think going forward if you document your attempts to get care, you cannot be accused of neglect. Keep the lines of communication open with your mother, even if there may be some dementia. And know that her desire to refuse care may ultimately be a blessing to you both. I wish for you strength, clarity and peace as you walk this difficult road.
Without that document or something like it in place, you did the right thing. Now is the time to clarify by identifying her health status, setting up an advance directive document, and eventually marrying the two together by securing hospice services.
Hang in there, and assure her you are working as a team; she needs to feel heard and validated and you're doing your best to help her live on her terms safely, comfortably, and with dignity.
I agree with rocketjcat. When your Mom is home and feeling better sit down and talk to her about what her wishes are and see about a DNR (medical directive) and a Medical Power of Attorney. My honey and I both have advanced directives, medical power of attorneys and full POA. We had ours done just prior to my honey’s strokes in 2005. As was mentioned in rocketj’s post she needs to understand that you love her and want what is best for her, but in the case of end of life you want her to be comfortable if she is set on being at home. None of us know what kind of condition we will be in when we reach end of life. My directive advises that if I cannot return to a semblance of the quality of life that I have had, I do not want my life prolonged artificially. I would want hospice to keep me comfortable though (maybe I am a coward but this is fact).
Even with what my honey is going through right now, and as much as it will break my heart, if he decides he does not want to be on an IV for the rest of his life, have a heart pump implanted and/or if he is not able to have a heart transplant I will abide by his wishes even though I have the POA. He has been through so much for the last 27 years that I can understand. The main bone of contention between us right now is that he wants to come home and I am not physically able to care for him or afford 24 hour care.
Hang in there NoR… I know it is hard, but hopefully your Mom’s anger will be short lived and she will realize that when you took her to ER for the fall you did it because you care. It will all work out.