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My mom's feet are swelling so bad. So the doctor decided to put her on water pills. What am I going to do now? I already have a problem changing her diapers, now its every time I turn around. What can I do?
Everything is still the same. Dont really feel comfortable sharing anymore. I wish i could give you good news but i cant. Thank you for your concern. Be safe.
Isthisrealyreal, ive read your post 4 time already. I wish i could be strong. Sometimes i feel so weak. Like im caving in. And then the tears come and i dont think i can stand it anymore. But today is brighter, havent even cried. Had a late breakfast with a girlfriend i hadnt spoke to in so long. Now im going to take a nap and thenstart looking for a place to again. I saw one place yesterday close to my parents. Within walking distance. Im wondering if thats too close. Im also going to check out counseling tomorrow. See what my insurance covers and such. I need to get all of this out. Let it go. Be debbie again. But surprisingly im not too worried. I know if i dig deep i have it in me. I mean i raised my son by myself. And hes the best thing since sliced bread.
Time heals all wombs.. so true. And now all of a sudden my dad cant do any of this without me. He says im the person who keeps everyone together and they are a mess without me. I didnt answer the text right away, i let him wait for half the day and told him i was out looking for someplace to live (which i have been) and i was settled down for the night, was going to watch the hockey game. Why dont you come home and watch it and i said maybe next time. And didnt answer him again. And i got a text this morning that said "Sunday dinner?" I never answered. Dysfunction and codependency are so hard to break. You just want to make everything better. And i know in my heart its my turn. My son is taking alot of it now but i told him he had a choice. Hes welcome with me anytime. And hes the one who comforts and pays attention to my mom. He sits with her at night so often and they do a crossword puzzle or a jumble puzzle. Or the comics. Shes forever asking him what the family circle was for the day. God bless my son.seriously. ill keep in touch.thanks for everything.
Debbie, I know you read and answer all our posts to you. You can prove to your family that you’re ok on your own by just putting on your big girl pants and doing it, hon! I hope you are also able to take the advice we give to heart because there is a lot of good and loving advice there. But, we cannot force you to do anything. If, like Isthisreallyreal said, you are codependent on the dysfunction of your family, all we write isn’t going to change this. You have to want to do it for yourself. Go back to work. Dealing blackjack takes concentration and you will be able to get out of youself for a while. Get a small, cozy place for yourself. Would you consider getting a kitty or a small dog? A reason to look forward to coming home if that’s for you. My mom used to say “Time heals all wounds. And it also wounds all heels. “ Be good to yourself. See a therapist. Hang in there. Hugs!
D, that is not true, "I have nothing left." You obviously are deeply hurt and caregiving is so very isolating that we all feel alone at times. You are not alone, even if you are by yourself, you are not alone. I can only imagine by my own experience how much all of this feels so overwhelming. When the people we love most turn on us it is devastating and can wreck our hearts and minds.
Okay, so you are there, one thing at a time right now. Write a letter to all involved (for you) get all of your feelings out in it, yell, scream, cry, tell them off, tell them what you feel and how they have hurt you and what you see happening. Now that you've done that and had a good cry, cuz that is what will happen, you are facing the realities, the injustices, hurt feelings et al., tear that up, destroy the garbage in it and let it go. This will help you to see you in all this giant mess. And that is what you need to do 1st, see You! Not seeing the trees through the forest is what happens when we are overwhelmed and feel abandoned. It took me hours to write mine and I cried a river, a good cleansing, wash away river, my eyes were swollen for 2 days but, I got rid of all the weight of the hurt, anger and pain and said things I wouldn't have said to the people, I didn't want to hurt them back, boy was I mad though and I could have easily been as ugly as them, I just can't sink to their level, it's not me and I could not do one thing to let them justify their behavior.
It make take you a day or two to process everything you just threw away. That's okay, cry as much as you need to. Then you will be ready to face the rest of your life. Make a written plan with goals and what steps you need to take to achieve each one. This can be modified and updated as things evolve. Just remember YOU in all of it. Right now circumstances are such that you need to be a little selfish, others can go on the back burner until you are strong enough to not be devoured again. Do one thing everyday that makes you smile and feel valuable, whatever that is. It will take time and perseverance but you can do it, you can have a healthy, happy, loving life. Even without those people. I have a family that loves me, as I am, warts and all, and not one of them is blood. I learned that if I let my bio family define me, I would never be good enough and i would always just be their scratching post.
If it is your hearts desire to have a relationship with them, please get stronger 1st and set boundaries. Do not move back in, you can not live with that kind of instability and get strong, no one can.
Let me know how your garbage disposal goes. HUGS AND LOVE 2U!
Your not being harsh. Its all the truth. I gave up my home but i deal black jack at a local casino. I took a leave of absence. I thought i could get everything taken care of and go back to work. So as of right now i have no where to go. Im stuck. The dysfunction is blossoming bright and im left with nothing. Its ok. I have a some money saved. Ill get a place and go back to work. Ill have to walk away.
I am not trying to be hurtful, I am asking because I think you are codependent with the dysfunction. It happens when we are trained from a young child that this is your family and life, no choice. However, we grow up and that is not the truth. You have choices. You matter as much as anyone of them. Do not take blame for things you have not done, of course you have screwed up, we all do, me all the time, but it doesn't mean that I am willing to be verbally abused, you have to own that you deserve respect and civility, you have stepped up to do a very hard job and maybe you are not cut out to be a caregiver. I am not, I tell people that I would probably kill my dad because I can't even remember to take my own pills let alone remember someone else's and forget about 3 meals at the same time everyday. It is okay to not be able to do this, do not let anyone manipulate you into doing something you can't or don't want to do.
Do you have a home of your own? Can you go back to work? You need to get busy living your life and let others do the same, including your son. It will be hard, no doubt about that, just try to find someone that can help you help yourself, I'm guessing that there is a lifetime of dysfunctional behaviour and belittling of you that needs to be worked through to find your balance.
May God give you strength and courage to walk this journey.
Debbie, allow yourself this weekend to wallow in your misery. Then, come Monday, get up and get moving. Don’t let these people (your son included) win. You aren’t making anybody miserable but yourself. Remember what it was like when you were there. The stress level had to be unbelievable. Now, you have another chance. You said you have a home and a job. Go back to both. Keep yourself busy and don’t obsess over past hurts. Start clean Monday morning and prove to them that they need you more than you need them.
It sounds like your father may have some cognitive decline or dementia going on. If that's the case, you can't reason with him, his brain isn't working right. It's common with dementia for parents to get paranoid and think that their children or spouse is trying to steal from them or kill them or that others are trying to get them. That sounds like what your dad is experiencing. There's no reasoning with that kind of brain issue.
Just go back to your home and try to take your son with you. When your folks crash and burn, you can decide if you want to get involved or not. But let hospice know you're leaving. Hugs to you and your son.
Im just staying by myself. And ive never felt so alone. I dont know what to do. Too much time on my hands. Ordered room service and stayed in bed and now i cant get up. Its almost 2 in the afternoon and im still in my pajamas.
Debbie, detach from this situation and take care of yourself. I’m sorry your son chose to return to his grandparents house, but not surprised. He’s made his choice. You can’t kidnap him and lock him up in your house. If he sees how they treat you and went back to his grandparents’ house anyway, you’ll just have to live with it.
You are out of the situation. Who says what about you doesn’t matter anymore. The insults, the accusations, the anger, that is all in the past. Leave it there. Don’t allow yourself to be exposed to it any longer. They can only abuse you if you let them.
Im trying to stay strong. All im doing is crying. My father guilted my son into going back. He said my brother went home and left them alone. Such a wonderful guy dont you think? (Being sarcastic). Im still the bad daughter. My father truly thinks im trying to kill him and my mom by shutting off their oxygen. Ive never shut the oxygen off unless my mom was smoking. Thats it. And i always turn it right back on. His oxygen was on all night. He swears it wasnt. Hes dreaming. It hurts so much that my brother would put that in his head. He doesnt realize that my son and i really dont want anything from my parents. We were there because we wanted to help. Maybe my brother is getting greedy or something. Maybe he thinks they have money or something. Well they dont. He can have it all. And everything that goes with it. I miss them though. Its so tough.
No guilt, when you have done your best and there is no appreciation and you are told in a vial manner to leave, you do just that and shake the dust off your feet.
Do whatever you have to, to find a home for you and your son. Do not go back unless there is a caregiver agreement in writing. The hardest thing I ever had to face with my dad was that he didn't want help, he demanded servitude. Maybe in a different life but not this one, just because you donated a squiggly doesn't mean you get to chew me up and spit me out, again and again and again and...
Stay strong for you and your son. HUGS AND LOVE 2U!
Barbbrooklyn, you all have been such a blessing and so supportive. This morning i saw no light at the end of the tunnel, now the sun is shining. And even if its just for a little while i see hope now.
He totally understands. He just wants to please everyone. But he cant. We are safe now. We can get back to being ourselves. We are going to a ball game tonight. Going to have some fun.
Blessings, Debbie. Please let us know how you are doing. Be patient but firm with your son and don’t let him guilt you into going back. You’re the boss and you have made the (right) decision to put you and your son first. He will come to realize that in time.
Debbie, it’s time for you to leave this toxic environment. Explain to your son that just because you’re leaving doesn’t mean he has to stop loving his grandparents. Stop engaging (fighting, arguing, explaining, blaming, etc.) and get out. You tried. You really tried. If you act like a victim, they will treat you like one. If you let them blame you and put you in the middle, they sure as heck will. When you try to fight back, they jump all over you. Now, if you’re OK with this, then so be it. Feeling guilty and obligated only goes so far. After a while, you have to kind of wonder why you put up with all this poison.
Go now, leave APS up to the Hospice and don’t look back.
I live with them now. I havent given up my job and i wont. Im just going to stay in a hotel for a few days. The nurse came and everyone disappeared. So i told the nurse what was going on what she does about it is up to her. Im just so upset. How can he honestly think that im such a bad person now. I just dont get it. He doesnt want me here ill leave. See how far my brother gets with them. Now he says im not feeding them properly and im shutting off their oxygen. Hes losing it. And im the one doing everything bad.
Well, it sounds like you've got three folks (mom, dad, brother) in denial about what is happening. That's very hard to deal with. What I'm not sure about is whether there are some cognitive issues with either mom or dad. In some ways, it doesn't matter, since neither has been declared incompetent, so they're able to make their own decisions.
I'd say pack up and go back home. They have hospice involved and I imagine they have reporting duties if they see something that is unsafe for your mom or dad. Sometimes it takes an emergency to get everyone to consider other options. Also, I learned with my folks, who were married about as long as yours, that there was no way to get in between them to change their patterns of behavior. When you try that, they'll unite against you. So mom treats dad like dirt and he takes it. That's just the way it is and you're not going to change that. They have a right to live their lives the way they choose, no matter how hard that is for you to watch.
If you leave and something happens, you can always come back and get mom into a nursing home or whatever it takes. Just don't make yourself crazy or sick because you can't make them behave in a safe, responsible way, given their situation. And DON'T give up your job under any circumstances! You have a son and your own health to take care of. {{{Hugs}}}
Another blow up last night and im not sure what to do now. My father wants me out of here because i finally told my brother how i was feeling. That he needed to pitch in around here and take some of the burden off my shoulders. My father wants me to pack my **** and get the hell out. My mothers nurse is going to be here in an hour. I dont know what to do. Ive packed a few things but i think i should wait for her. After telling my brother this last night he says hes not wanted around here and he left. To get my father to calm down i promised him i would call my brother this morning and apologize. So i did and told him to come over. In the mean time my father tells me to hit the road. My son is seeing all this and doesnt want to stay either. But hes torn for the love of his grandparents. I love them too but i cant kill myself for it either. My brothers here now freaking out. My dad went back to bed and we dont know what to do. Hope it gets better. Dont see how. Should i call protective services before i leave? I just dont know
Debbie, thanks for your kind words! I am far from the wise person of your complements though. Like you, my life is a daily struggle, and I am not caring for a challenged child.
I’ve learned not to close my mind to any possibilities and sometimes (often) “what if” keeps me awake nights on end. We do the best we can for our loved ones, but we have limitations. I’ve also learned not to live for the approval of others. I adore my son, but since his marriage and most recently fatherhood, he has become rather judgmental and all-knowing. His remarks can be cutting and over the past few years, we’ve not been on speaking terms twice. Don’t live your life to please other people. There will always be that snarky person who will criticize everything you do. Easier said than done, but take care of YOU. In the long run, you have to become a little self-ish because like me, if you go down, everybody else is going to be up the proverbial creek.
Ahmijoy, your words are so wise. I wish i had half of your knowledge. Here i go on and on about how bad ive got it and you are going through so much yourself. Im sorry i havent been as attentive to you and what your going through. I read over and over again at night everything everyone says. And its not that i dont care its that im taking so much in and i need to listen more. My thoughts are with you i promise.
To be honest this is the only place where i vent. Where i say exactly what im really feeling. And i only found this web site about a week ago. And its been such a relief in just a week. Thank you everyone for the great words of encouragement. Ive been able to sleep these past few days. And my son is a trooper. My son is 22 and disabled. I dont know if anyone has heard of apraxia but my son has global apraxia. The part of your brain that has you do things automatically like puckering, a kiss, blowing your nose. Buckling a belt tying a shoe, things like that come extremely hard for my son. Repatition is what my son needs for the littlest tasks. Hes the best though. Graduated from high school, with alot of help. Was in student council all four years. Is a huge people person. But ask him what 10 plus 8 is and he draws a blank. He works full time at a grocery store. And he adores his grandparents. So together we do whats needed. Hes the best thing that ever happened to me. Why am i rambling? Sorry. Just wanted to let everyone know that life isnt all as rough as it seems sometimes. Thanks again.
Aw, Debbie, we’ve been there. When I visited my mom, she said such outlandish things and I didn’t know where they came from. Once when she was in a nasty mood, she said, “I hope your kids never do this to you!” Meaning putting her in a nursing home. Then, a few visits later, she said when she looked in a mirror, she didn’t recognize herself anymore. It was an absolute roller coaster of emotions. At one point, she commented her father had the right idea. When I got home I looked at his death certificate and discovered he’d committed suicide 50 years before. I’d been told he’d had a heart attack. I’m still dealing with that one.
Life beats us up. I went from caring for Mom to caring for Hubby with no break. You can’t stay down and give up. Start investigating facilities for Mom. It’s ok. It’s the right thing to do. As was said, you and Dad can visit her as often as you need to. The people who would guilt you and hand you blame need to be gone from your life. Period. Love and hugs!
Yes, Debbie, you're doing the right thing. Right now you are overwhelmed with guilt but you need to back out of the situation and look at it realistically. You have bitten off more than you can chew.
You're a single mom. How is your child coping with you caring for your folks? Do one job well instead of many jobs in exhaustion mode. Come back here after placing your mom and hash out the guilt feelings with us. Most of us have gone through it.
I did the same thing you did but I only had my mom. It was WAY too much (she has Stage 6 Alzheimer's). My outside job was only 2 days a week and hubby was the c/g when I was working. We were up all day and night. We finally had to make other arrangements in a memory care facility. She and we are much happier and she's getting great care. (They just found another UTI (urinary tract infection) and are treating it.) Has your mom been checked for a UTI? Sometimes elders can get mean or crabby when they have one without having any other symptoms.
If she's against having her legs up on a chair at the dining table, the fluid tends to pool in the lower legs. See if you can't change mom's mind about elevating her legs. My mom has edema (fluid swelling) also (has for 40+ years but not from CHF (congestive heart failure.) I've asked them to try to keep her legs up on the recliner. It really can reduce the puff up.
You should eliminate most or all salt or sodium filled foods (no salt shaker on the table or at the stove, no processed foods, no chips, popcorn or pickles, no canned soups or canned vegetables, etc.) Google low sodium diets. That really helps my mom keep the fluid down.
Talk with the hospice social worker and chaplain about your feelings. They are awesome listeners, offering pertinent advice and giving referrals. Take advantage of every service they have to offer. They may be able to get you more help for now.
And, yes, it's tragic. If we didn't have to be the "strong ones" we'd cry every time we see them. I'm fairly depressed after I visit my mom so I try to talk about a different subject on the drive home. It may help if you talked about your feelings to a therapist. And we're right here for you.
Do you truly feel im doing the right thing? I watch them when they dont think im looking and its just so sad. Him trying so hard to please her and her biting his head off. I cant do it full time but i can help as much as i can. I feel so sad all the time. I mean all the time. I just want my parents back and it will never be. Its like when your younger and you leave the nest, years later you go back hoping that everything will be the same but realize its not home anymore. Its just never going to be what it used to be. And its so sad.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
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Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Okay, so you are there, one thing at a time right now. Write a letter to all involved (for you) get all of your feelings out in it, yell, scream, cry, tell them off, tell them what you feel and how they have hurt you and what you see happening. Now that you've done that and had a good cry, cuz that is what will happen, you are facing the realities, the injustices, hurt feelings et al., tear that up, destroy the garbage in it and let it go. This will help you to see you in all this giant mess. And that is what you need to do 1st, see You! Not seeing the trees through the forest is what happens when we are overwhelmed and feel abandoned. It took me hours to write mine and I cried a river, a good cleansing, wash away river, my eyes were swollen for 2 days but, I got rid of all the weight of the hurt, anger and pain and said things I wouldn't have said to the people, I didn't want to hurt them back, boy was I mad though and I could have easily been as ugly as them, I just can't sink to their level, it's not me and I could not do one thing to let them justify their behavior.
It make take you a day or two to process everything you just threw away. That's okay, cry as much as you need to. Then you will be ready to face the rest of your life. Make a written plan with goals and what steps you need to take to achieve each one. This can be modified and updated as things evolve. Just remember YOU in all of it. Right now circumstances are such that you need to be a little selfish, others can go on the back burner until you are strong enough to not be devoured again. Do one thing everyday that makes you smile and feel valuable, whatever that is. It will take time and perseverance but you can do it, you can have a healthy, happy, loving life. Even without those people. I have a family that loves me, as I am, warts and all, and not one of them is blood. I learned that if I let my bio family define me, I would never be good enough and i would always just be their scratching post.
If it is your hearts desire to have a relationship with them, please get stronger 1st and set boundaries. Do not move back in, you can not live with that kind of instability and get strong, no one can.
Let me know how your garbage disposal goes. HUGS AND LOVE 2U!
Are you afraid to have your own life?
I am not trying to be hurtful, I am asking because I think you are codependent with the dysfunction. It happens when we are trained from a young child that this is your family and life, no choice. However, we grow up and that is not the truth. You have choices. You matter as much as anyone of them. Do not take blame for things you have not done, of course you have screwed up, we all do, me all the time, but it doesn't mean that I am willing to be verbally abused, you have to own that you deserve respect and civility, you have stepped up to do a very hard job and maybe you are not cut out to be a caregiver. I am not, I tell people that I would probably kill my dad because I can't even remember to take my own pills let alone remember someone else's and forget about 3 meals at the same time everyday. It is okay to not be able to do this, do not let anyone manipulate you into doing something you can't or don't want to do.
Do you have a home of your own? Can you go back to work? You need to get busy living your life and let others do the same, including your son. It will be hard, no doubt about that, just try to find someone that can help you help yourself, I'm guessing that there is a lifetime of dysfunctional behaviour and belittling of you that needs to be worked through to find your balance.
May God give you strength and courage to walk this journey.
Just go back to your home and try to take your son with you. When your folks crash and burn, you can decide if you want to get involved or not. But let hospice know you're leaving. Hugs to you and your son.
You are out of the situation. Who says what about you doesn’t matter anymore. The insults, the accusations, the anger, that is all in the past. Leave it there. Don’t allow yourself to be exposed to it any longer. They can only abuse you if you let them.
Do whatever you have to, to find a home for you and your son. Do not go back unless there is a caregiver agreement in writing. The hardest thing I ever had to face with my dad was that he didn't want help, he demanded servitude. Maybe in a different life but not this one, just because you donated a squiggly doesn't mean you get to chew me up and spit me out, again and again and again and...
Stay strong for you and your son. HUGS AND LOVE 2U!
If anyone tries to draw you back in, please reach out here for support!
Go now, leave APS up to the Hospice and don’t look back.
I'd say pack up and go back home. They have hospice involved and I imagine they have reporting duties if they see something that is unsafe for your mom or dad. Sometimes it takes an emergency to get everyone to consider other options. Also, I learned with my folks, who were married about as long as yours, that there was no way to get in between them to change their patterns of behavior. When you try that, they'll unite against you. So mom treats dad like dirt and he takes it. That's just the way it is and you're not going to change that. They have a right to live their lives the way they choose, no matter how hard that is for you to watch.
If you leave and something happens, you can always come back and get mom into a nursing home or whatever it takes. Just don't make yourself crazy or sick because you can't make them behave in a safe, responsible way, given their situation. And DON'T give up your job under any circumstances! You have a son and your own health to take care of. {{{Hugs}}}
I’ve learned not to close my mind to any possibilities and sometimes (often) “what if” keeps me awake nights on end. We do the best we can for our loved ones, but we have limitations. I’ve also learned not to live for the approval of others. I adore my son, but since his marriage and most recently fatherhood, he has become rather judgmental and all-knowing. His remarks can be cutting and over the past few years, we’ve not been on speaking terms twice. Don’t live your life to please other people. There will always be that snarky person who will criticize everything you do. Easier said than done, but take care of YOU. In the long run, you have to become a little self-ish because like me, if you go down, everybody else is going to be up the proverbial creek.
Life beats us up. I went from caring for Mom to caring for Hubby with no break. You can’t stay down and give up. Start investigating facilities for Mom. It’s ok. It’s the right thing to do. As was said, you and Dad can visit her as often as you need to. The people who would guilt you and hand you blame need to be gone from your life. Period. Love and hugs!
You're a single mom. How is your child coping with you caring for your folks?
Do one job well instead of many jobs in exhaustion mode. Come back here after placing your mom and hash out the guilt feelings with us. Most of us have gone through it.
I did the same thing you did but I only had my mom. It was WAY too much (she has Stage 6 Alzheimer's). My outside job was only 2 days a week and hubby was the c/g when I was working. We were up all day and night. We finally had to make other arrangements in a memory care facility. She and we are much happier and she's getting great care. (They just found another UTI (urinary tract infection) and are treating it.)
Has your mom been checked for a UTI? Sometimes elders can get mean or crabby when they have one without having any other symptoms.
If she's against having her legs up on a chair at the dining table, the fluid tends to pool in the lower legs. See if you can't change mom's mind about elevating her legs. My mom has edema (fluid swelling) also (has for 40+ years but not from CHF (congestive heart failure.) I've asked them to try to keep her legs up on the recliner. It really can reduce the puff up.
You should eliminate most or all salt or sodium filled foods (no salt shaker on the table or at the stove, no processed foods, no chips, popcorn or pickles, no canned soups or canned vegetables, etc.) Google low sodium diets. That really helps my mom keep the fluid down.
Talk with the hospice social worker and chaplain about your feelings. They are awesome listeners, offering pertinent advice and giving referrals. Take advantage of every service they have to offer. They may be able to get you more help for now.
And, yes, it's tragic. If we didn't have to be the "strong ones" we'd cry every time we see them. I'm fairly depressed after I visit my mom so I try to talk about a different subject on the drive home.
It may help if you talked about your feelings to a therapist. And we're right here for you.