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It's been a difficult month after my mother died. My relationship with my sister is pretty much done. I came back to NY to find that all the monthly bills for the house were not paid and my sister is out of town until mid August. She also needs to sign paperwork for the realtor because we have put the house on the market and apparently we also need to open a bank account for the trust with an EIN number. All new foreign things for us.
Since our miserable phone call two weeks ago where she said a lot of nasty things to me, I have not spoken with her. I am dreading calling her and nervous that I am going to make a bad situation worse. She is driven by anger and emotions right now and there is no reasoning with her. As my husband says, she is unhinged. And I cannot handle the stress of this all anymore. I am falling apart from all this.
My question is can my other sister who is willing to do this replace her as executor if she has decided to checkout and is not being cooperative. Does the executor have to submit something or can she just be removed because she is not being cooperative?
I put this post under burnout because I really don't know what other category this falls under.

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Hang in there Hothouse. ((((Hugs))))

What's that saying.. when you are at the end of your rope.. tie a knot & hang on!

I swear you are living my future 🙁

The sis could be overwhelmed, cannot get her * together to do what must be done.

You don't know the reason for the check out.. but you are not her therapist. How long is reasonable to wait?

A friend of mine went through similar. Sib not ready to sell the dec'd parent's home. Understood leaving a home empty is not practical. Risks thieves & vandels, reduces value the longer it is left etc yet not emotionally ready. My friend had a time limit as needed to return OS.

So gently asked. Then straight up gave options. Do you want out? Do you want to give this role up & give to another sibling? In that case, the reluctant sib found extra support & was able to proceed.

Have a think about a timeline. How long do you think is reasonable before moving this along? Also think carefully about who will make contact to move it forward. I am pretty sure I would vote for a third party to make contact - to stay more neutral & avoid being cast as the bad guy/gal.
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Reply to Beatty
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Retain an estate attorney if you don’t already have one . Bring him your parents paperwork wills , trusts . It’s possible your sister can be removed for not performing her duties .

I don’t know exactly the criteria , timeline , or how it’s done. Perhaps the lawyer sends her a warning letter first , to try to make her step up , idk .

Sorry you are going through this .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Thanks, yes we have an estate lawyer. I will give it another month but if she doesn't snap out of it, I might have to do this.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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graygrammie Jul 21, 2024
There is a renunciation form you can mail to her to sign and have notarized and send back that will remove her as executor. Your attorney could take care of this so that there doesn't even have to be any family contact.
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I’m so sorry for all you’re dealing and yes, like Beatty said, this is my future. My parents entrusted their care to our youngest sister, and she has had full control, for many years now. She is 14 years younger than me, and we do not see anything really, the same. Number three sister is already crazy, unhinged, and is the one our caregiver sister, has chosen to help her, so these two are who will eventually handle our parent’s business, in the end. And they will most likely lose their minds, when our 87 and 85 year old dad and mom die, making it impossible for them, to handle a damn thing.

We are heading for a horrible chaotic crisis, BUT after ditching my FOG, I know that it is their problem, not mine. And because I have walked this journey, with ZERO interest, or expectation, in inheriting anything, it will not matter to me, if they take forever, to put our parents affairs to rest. I will step in and let them know, they need to respect our mom and dad, and GET IT DONE…but not because I need inheritance money or my share in a home, or land, or anything. I expect to get nothing.

Our mom and dad did this to us, choosing to give ALL power and control to their youngest, “chosen one” daughter, who never left home, has been in the middle of our parent’s lives, since the beginning, privileged and protected, in a way, that would have not been best for me. Very thankful I got the young, broke, brave parents, who had little time, to helicopter parent the two oldest, who remain sane, at age 63 & 65! Enabling helps no one. The two youngest enabled our mom into a wheelchair, doing for her, every chore, cause mom preferred not to do anything herself. She likes being waited on, and it started when she was early 50’s.

Like always, I’m drifting into other complicated matters, cause this journey is tough, filled with grief, anger, hurt, and it lasts forever. If you would have told younger Deb, 30 years ago, her mom would still be alive now, I would have laughed. Now I understand, our parents could be around for a long time, as the many pills they take, seem to work. No quality of life, isolated in a three bed condo, by a daughter, who was changed during Covid years, but those pills keep them alive.

Our dad looks sad and hollow, nothing to look forward to, except holding his wife’s hand, cause she is worse off, and requires him to be right there, for her mental well being. Our dad used to be a very active, robust man, now all he has is his recliner, and windows to a world, he is no longer a part of, and he misses his old life, in a way our mom no longer can. The frustrations you feel now, almost look like a cake walk to me, cause you are at least close, to ending this miserable journey, just a matter of paperwork now. Good luck to you, and hoping your sister gets it together. I chose to never ever fight mine, cause my
parents did this to us. Not treating their daughters equally, not trusting us, so for those reading, try to give your kids more credit, to do the right thing. When siblings are treated differently, it hurts.
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Reply to Odaat59
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Hothouseflower Jul 21, 2024
My mother did the same, gave all the power and control to the one least able to handle the stress.

Not near the end still have my father but he no longer owns the house.
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Sorry you are going through this. I've had this with a sister.

Will she respond to emails or texts?
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Reply to brandee
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Are you in Probate? If so you can ask that the Executor be replaced and why.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Hothouseflower Jul 21, 2024
No probate, she has to sign documents with respect to the house we are selling because she is the first person named on the trust.

and also she needs to open up the account for my mothers estate.
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I just wanted to say while I don't have any knowledge about replacing an executor, I am very sorry you have to go through this, on top of what you already went through with taking care of your mom. It must feel never-ending to you at this point. (((hugs)))
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Reply to notgoodenough
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I’m sorry for your hurt in this, just awful after such a tough time already. I hope you won’t contact sister at all. Seems that’s just setting yourself up for more of her vitriol and you don’t need or deserve that. If a call or contact needs to happen, have someone else do it and stay out of the line of fire. Consult the estate attorney for executor guidance, the attorney may make contact with sis as well. I wish you healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sorry there is discord between your sister and you.

Does the Realtor have Docusign? That way, sis could digital sign the document(s) to be able to take care of the house.

She would need her Executrix documentation to handle the rest of mom's Estate, (if everything else is not spelled out, who gets what, etc and if there are any outstanding debts)

Good luck. I hope you can all put your differences aside to be able to deal with what needs to be done.
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