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Sad to say, this is mental illness. Once you recognize that, it’s up to you to report it to her doctor and the doctor will help you. In the meantime, you could quietly remove some things, particularly spoiled food, moldy items and so on, if there are any. It isn’t healthful for either of you to live in that sort of condition. Since she has dementia, she may not even notice and if she does, she may not remember afterward. Also it is time to find a care facility for her. This is not normal and you need help from others as you take charge of the situation.
BarbBrooklyn is right. Put her in respite care while the house is being cleaned out. Please don't make the mistake so many caregivers do when it comes to providing care for someone with dementia. The caregiver is the one in control not the person with dementia being cared for. Do not allow them to make any decision other than what they may want for lunch. Your wife has dementia. You are in charge. Get the house cleaned. If she throws a tantrum over it, let her. You do not have to live in hoarded filth and squalor. That is absolutely disgusting and unhealthy for you both. You could start throwing away rotting food and garbage after you have put her to bed for the night. Ask the doctor for a sleeping medication and dose her with it early in the evening so you can get some of this done. It's a small but at least getting the rotting garbage out is a start. My mother is a hoarder though not one who saves spoiled food and rotting garbage. Everything else though. She started needing some help physically and financially and wanted me to move back after my divorce. I agreed, but with the condition that I will not live in a messy house let alone one that is hoarded. So, when she's go to bed at night I just started throwing out bag after bag of junk. Useless things and papers that she had to "save". She doesn't even know that I filled a small dumpster with this crap. I rented one and it was parked at my neighbor's house. For a week at night, bag after bag of junk and papers got thrown in that dumpster from all over the house. She didn't even notice. Then it was throwing bags of crap out with the regular trash. She never even noticed. She's convinced herself that she's always kept the house well. I don't correct her it's not worth a fight. Just go ahead and start doing it. Your wife won't even notice. If she does and thwos a tantrum over it, she had dementia and will forget about it.
My first thought, like Brooklyn, was put her in respite care. Find an Assisted Living that will take her for a week or two. It will be private pay but worth it. Then the house is yours. Kitchen first. Throw out old food. My MIL would go shopping before anyone visited and buy things she thought we would eat. Found lots of expired snacks still in the boxes. A 2 yr old Pork Roast in the freezer and Bagels in the frig from our last visit in Nov and this was the next Nov. I got rid of all the bread and rolls outdated in the frig. No, she was not happy but then was glad when she had room in there for her leftovers.
Go thru and get anything that you consider trash. Now, all you have is stuff you want to keep or give away. Get the give away stuff together and donate it to thrift stores. Churches for future yard sales. And like said, don't allow her to hoard again you can get rid of stuff while she is sleeping.
You may find she does well in respite care. If so, if you can afford it, leave her there. Make sure you see an elder lawyer about splitting assets so all your money does not go for just her care.
I have a sibling who deals with hoarding. We’ve done the huge clean out twice. Your situation is different with dementia involved. You must act in your wife’s best interests as she can no longer do so for herself. She needs a clean, safe place to live, and it’s up to you to provide it. If you think that can still be in your home, arrange for her to be away and have it cleaned out, no apologies or explaining. If she’s not safe there no matter what, it’s time for her to move to a place with professional caregivers and you to clean the home and continue there. I’m sorry it’s all so out of control, I know how overwhelming it seems. I wish you the best in making a clean environment for you in any case, you matter too
Thank you all!!! Foods are not the issue it is everything else. My concern is some of the stuff is new and might have value but to save is not cleaning. I will have to deal with that. But I thank you all since it is like getting permission to do the right thing. She will be angry and pissed but I need to move to make the right life decisions now
Dear Bill, you have to keep in mind that YOU live in the house too; it's not 'just' your wife's wishes that matter; yours do as well! When hoarding is involved, the non-hoarder is always the one to suffer and only the hoarder's wishes seem to matter! Have you ever noticed that? Well I just wanted to say that your wishes matter too. Yes, your wife will be pissed off but in the end, you both deserve to live in a clean, clutter-free and safe home where you can breathe and move around without running into 'stuff' everywhere. Even if the things you get rid of have value to them b/c they're new, donate those things to a worthy cause and allow less fortunate people to enjoy them. That's a win-win for all concerned.
Secondly, if things go well in the facility you choose for respite for your wife, consider leaving her there long term if/when the time comes that her care becomes unmanageable for you at home. And/or consider placing her there on a regular basis for respite every so often so YOU can have a vacation from caregiving b/c it's too much for you to do 24/7 on an ongoing basis. YOU deserve a break on a regular basis.
Respite is my next hurdle to send her away seems like a drastic action but let me deal with hurding and legal thanks for the meaningful words in ur answer
My parents were hoarders in the worst way. They were in Delaware and there was no hoarding task force. I got social services involved and all they could do was enforce a three foot path through the house.
it is very difficult to deal with this issue and dementia must make it more complicated.
Do you have any family who can take her in so you can do a clean out? This would be less upsetting than going to a facility.
look into resources in your state and do call the fire department. Ours was worthless because they wouldn't reinspect but yours may do a better job following up if the hoarding is a fire hazard
I am with Leolonnie 1 on this one. It is your home as well and caregiving is difficult as is and living in those conditions as I assume not ideal it must be hard and dangerous even.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Please don't make the mistake so many caregivers do when it comes to providing care for someone with dementia.
The caregiver is the one in control not the person with dementia being cared for. Do not allow them to make any decision other than what they may want for lunch. Your wife has dementia. You are in charge. Get the house cleaned. If she throws a tantrum over it, let her. You do not have to live in hoarded filth and squalor. That is absolutely disgusting and unhealthy for you both.
You could start throwing away rotting food and garbage after you have put her to bed for the night. Ask the doctor for a sleeping medication and dose her with it early in the evening so you can get some of this done. It's a small but at least getting the rotting garbage out is a start.
My mother is a hoarder though not one who saves spoiled food and rotting garbage. Everything else though. She started needing some help physically and financially and wanted me to move back after my divorce. I agreed, but with the condition that I will not live in a messy house let alone one that is hoarded. So, when she's go to bed at night I just started throwing out bag after bag of junk. Useless things and papers that she had to "save". She doesn't even know that I filled a small dumpster with this crap. I rented one and it was parked at my neighbor's house. For a week at night, bag after bag of junk and papers got thrown in that dumpster from all over the house. She didn't even notice. Then it was throwing bags of crap out with the regular trash. She never even noticed. She's convinced herself that she's always kept the house well. I don't correct her it's not worth a fight.
Just go ahead and start doing it. Your wife won't even notice. If she does and thwos a tantrum over it, she had dementia and will forget about it.
Go thru and get anything that you consider trash. Now, all you have is stuff you want to keep or give away. Get the give away stuff together and donate it to thrift stores. Churches for future yard sales. And like said, don't allow her to hoard again you can get rid of stuff while she is sleeping.
You may find she does well in respite care. If so, if you can afford it, leave her there. Make sure you see an elder lawyer about splitting assets so all your money does not go for just her care.
Secondly, if things go well in the facility you choose for respite for your wife, consider leaving her there long term if/when the time comes that her care becomes unmanageable for you at home. And/or consider placing her there on a regular basis for respite every so often so YOU can have a vacation from caregiving b/c it's too much for you to do 24/7 on an ongoing basis. YOU deserve a break on a regular basis.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything.
thanks for the meaningful words in ur answer
it is very difficult to deal with this issue and dementia must make it more complicated.
Do you have any family who can take her in so you can do a clean out? This would be less upsetting than going to a facility.
look into resources in your state and do call the fire department. Ours was worthless because they wouldn't reinspect but yours may do a better job following up if the hoarding is a fire hazard
It is your home as well and caregiving is difficult as is and living in those conditions as I assume not ideal it must be hard and dangerous even.