About 6 months ago my mother who lived alone totally taking care of herself fell off a heavy metal chair that smashed on her head. She was out about 24 hours till we found her and got to the regency room.
besides hospital delirium she had MRI , no sign of stroke, bleed etc so I brought her to my house for recover
the band on the right forehead seems to have triggered quick onset dementia turning her from totally independent and positive to the most needy person I don’t recognise
i work during the day but from the time I come home she is calling me to get her things, help her with things I know she can do and just not leave her
she did put away some money so I have hired 24/7 care to help because she does not sleep at night. She goes to the bathroom every hour, will not even consider a commode or diaper at night so someone needs to be awake at night too
Her primary doc and psychiatrist ( both specialists in geriatric) have tried meds to calm her and reduce the hallucinations ( she thinks babies are crying under my bathroom) and to get her to sleep, to bring her back to being interested in anything but the drugs all have the complete opposite effect and only make her significantly worse and aggressive
even with full time help the constant neediness is really straining especially since she wants me to help her even when she can do it herself. I am not sure if I should give in and just do it or get her to do it herself, which just makes her angrier, and spirals into me being angry.
Is this almost infantile regression normal?
Your Mom is 88 and they are good until they aren't. And the "aren't" is usually a head injury, a fall or a broken bone, especially the hip. If you can't leave her alone now, you may need to place her in Longterm care. You need to keep your job and 24/7 care is costing a lot of money.
Your question about whether you should give in and help her or get her to do it herself tells me that even though you observe what is happening with her, you haven't accepted what it means.
Your previously healthy mom is no longer the way she was and may never be again. This is harsh news (but not really news because you're seeing it right in front of you). She is very sick. When you accept that, you will understand that ignoring her neediness and cries for help would be cruel. She can't do for herself now, someone has to take care of her. At the moment, it is you and the hired caregivers.
BUT. Watching this happen to your beloved mom is traumatizing for you in the extreme, caregivers or not. If you continue with the caregivers and mom in your home (I don't recommend this), you will most likely become even more anguished and despairing. Your mental health is important if you expect to manage all of your mom's issues as well as keep your job.
Suggestions:
1. Talk to doctors about mom's true prognosis, tell them no sugarcoating what to expect.
2. Set up an appointment with hospice to determine if she qualifies.
3. Give up the idea that you can keep her in your home. Mom needs 24/7 care by professionals, which can best be supplied by a live-in care facility.
My sweet MIL went through something similar. She was sharp as a tack until age 92 or so when she fell and hit her head. She lived to age 99 and never again after that fall was she able to do much of anything for herself.
Rita, I wish you luck on this difficult path with your mom.
If this "new" mom is more then you can cope with, please know that there is no shame in placing her in a facility that is equipped to meet her needs.
May The Lord lead, guide and direct you to the best path for everyone involved.
Please check with the two doctors, see if another comparison MRI can be done with the one done immediately after the fall. Sounds like there may be more at play here than is immediately apparent. This doesn't sound like classic dementia to me.
No matter the cause (and not a whole lot can be done about TBI in a lot of cases) you clearly are no longer able to sustain caregiving without placement in facility. You are going to have to be honest about that and begin, in the new year, to explore the options for in-facility care.
I am so sorry and wish you so much luck and hope you'll update us.
she was medically evaluated pretty substantially in New York and scans were reviewed by different neurologists so unless something else changed I don’t think they will find much new. I check for UTI once a week and the visiting nurse checks vitals once a week. Physically she can outlive me- 2 time cancer survivor
but getting the right medication or finding better ways to treat her condition is a problem because I really get
the impression that the medical profession (hospitals and research)does not prioritise 88 year old women they assume will die sooner rather than later- cost/benefit analysis. Same reason there are no new drugs or drugs trials for seniors at this age. Seniors at 65 have a longer lifespan that will benefit drug companies a lot longer.m- 88 year olds- not so much
as far as putting her in a home would be something I would consider if I couldn’t get her 24/7 help.
the money she saved and her apartment should hold out about 5 years- she may outlive it because she has no medical issues but I know she will probably go insane in a place without the one on one attention- then they will drug her into submission and she will die.
if she were a danger to me or herself that would be a different story but I just can’t see putting her in a home as long as I can get help ( they last an average 2 months)
she will know she is being “ thrown away” her biggest fear and I will be watching her deteriorate mentally.
im just trying to find the best ways to cope and not take this new person too seriously she was always a bit self engaged and narcissistic but this is just a level I never anticipated
Wait a minute - this is conjecture. You can’t know how she’ll react. Or that she’ll go insane. Or that she wouldn’t have enough attention. Or that she’d be drugged into submission. Which would make her die.
This scenario makes me think you’re channeling a bad movie.
Care is more advanced than that. Doctors try not to drive people insane, and even if she were insane they’d probably try a lot of things before drugging her into submission. Also mom is 88 and could go any minute from anything. She’s going to die sooner rather than later.
Now let’s revisit “she has no medical issues.” She’s had cancer TWICE. Being a cancer survivor seems like a medical issue to me! Your mom fell (we don’t know for sure if a medical issue caused it; she could have been dizzy, lightheaded, failed to see a danger or some other medical issue). She now exhibits symptoms that could be a UTI (medical), traumatic brain injury (medical), and a host of other problems that have appeared.
You are under a lot of stress. When you calm down and peel yourself off the ceiling, you’ll see that you have over inflated over this. Get back to your previous capable self and don’t flap around in the wrong air stream.
My very best wishes that you come to a place of peace.
For your Mother & for you.
Try to obtain a better diagnosis than 'dementia'. I agree this filts for TBI (but I am not a Doctor). Seek out information & support helpline or organisations for TBI if that is confirmed.
Seek out specialised services (eg social work, elder advice care) to help support you as you navigate what options are available for your Mother's care.
Care at home may be possible but will take a manager (you or a professional service) to manage & co-ordinate all the care staff, all the tasks needed & all the financials.
I know my limits & have no desire to do or manage everything myself.
Your Mother has lost much. Having a significant accident has changed her life completely.
My advice is don't get stuck on the word *home*. Or stuck on *home* being somehow the only place she will thrive. Or that *non-home* is bad. Try to keep an open mind.
I would look for the most practical solution. This may be where staff rosters, meals, cleaning are managed by others. This will free you up for other very important roles eg being her main emotional support & being her best advocate.
Symptoms like brain fog, headache, disordered sleep, depression, nausea, aggression, fatigue, memory and thinking problems, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, visual problems.
(effects lasting more than 3 months are called Post Concussion Syndrome.
Do a search in your area for a doctor that specializes in Concussions. Not all Neurologists specialize in concussions.
Was there any suggestion that mom go to in-patient rehab after her hospitalization? I think I might try to get her admitted somewhere for the three midnights that Medicare requires in order for them to pay for rehab.
The other suggestion I have is that strokes don't sometimes show up right away on CT scans and MRIs. I would push for new imaging for comparison with the 6 month old ones
TBI can cause these behavior changes. And if she is otherwise strong and healthy, she could live a long time like this. You should consider your long term care options. She may need to be in a skilled nursing facility or memory care. If you choose to continue to have her in your home, and think about it very carefully, consider all the possible scenarios, you will likely have to give up your job to stay home and be her primary caregiver. As you have seen, her demands will interfere in your "normal" life. Your life will change forever.
My husband suffered a TBI as a result of a stroke 9 years ago. We too have tried so many different medications to calm his aggressive behavior, which only seem to make him more agitated. I get hit, pushed, pulled, scratched when I try to provide personal cares, like cleaning, diaper change, even dressing and transfers. I've been told a person in that state of mind feels vulnerable and under attack. They're just being overly protective of their personal space.
I wish you luck.