Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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There isn't more to say. She may ask why you can no longer live together and just be honest that she now needs more care than you can provide. That you will visit her as frequently as possible. That you love her.
This falls, unfortunately, as those of us who are old understand under the heading of "not everything can be fixed." Aging comes with a whole lot of loss and unhappiness. I am so sorry for the grief you're both suffering. And "I am sorry" is sometimes, inadequate as it is, the only thing to be said.
Your doing everything you can do, the best that you can. She is broke you can't fix it.
Don't let the sadness and guilt and stress effect your health. Take good care of yourself, your doing a great job , now she is in memory care, where she needs to be to keep her safe. Take time for you, to rest, sleep , eat right, have some fun in your life, and breathe!!
You blame it on the facility, which is the truth. "No one is allowed to stay overnight." Then say what Lealonnie1 suggested and go home.
Reason and logic will not work and she won't remember the discussion, so the only strategy is to leave her while in as calm a state as possible. That's as much as you can do.
Ah been there done that with my mom and then my shi**y dad. I said pretty much the same to them in different times/places. Of Course! I'll be back in a few I just need to check on some things at my place. I love you. Kiss. Goodnight
Perhaps there is a reason you can give that has less to do with her being in Memory Care and more to do with you needing to be home. If you have a pet for instance or maybe if you told her it would cost money for you to stay or that it would cost double per month because you need to be a resident to stay for insurance purposes…something you suspect she will agree makes it more important you sleep at home.
Not a lot you can do maybe ask centre if they allow calls ( for your mother to help settle her in) get a nice picture of you/ anyone she’s close to and put by her bed not an easy one I hope the centre understand your mother needs help settling in and helps you have that conversation
Try getting one of those person dolls... its a doll that has your face. Have her keep that with her at all times. Tell her that is you and with her broken brain maybe just maybe she may be able to be satisfied with that. Also, remember she cannot remember from one moment to the next but maybe just maybe if she "sees" your face on that doll she could be calm. Just a thought.
I think that's a really good idea. A soft doll to cuddle may help her not to feel so alone. We have many posts about how much dolls can help, and I know an old lady in our local hospital's nursing home section who takes her doll with her everywhere.
I think it matters less what words you SAY. It will be more about HOW you say it, what your body language & face tell/show her.
I see people leaving their loved ones all the time, in waiting rooms, hospitals, care homes.
Such a variety of people! From the hesitant, nervous folk - delaying their exit, overtalking with worry..
To the detatched, no-nonsense folk - See you tomorrow then. Bye. Turn. Leave. Gone.
To all the folk inbetween.
"Fake it until you make it" is my 2c.
Act confident - in body, face & speech.
Give a good hug or squeeze of the hand, a firm nod, a kiss, whatever is your practice. See you tomorrow. Go.
PS It is hard. It takes much bravery. It may feel fake, to hide your grief, fear or saddness at leaving her. But it is also a great kindness. To maybe save her from picking up on those emotions.
Does she loves pets? In the past, did she treat them like her 'babies'? If so, buy her a Joy For All Golden Companion Dog. They are so respondent and besides barking and heartbeat, it actually makes sounds like she says I Don't Know, and I Love You. Get Model A9108. It's more life like. My wife is mid-late stage Dementia and she carries her everywhere and cuddles with her every nite. You can buy new on Amazon buy can also get used ones for less than $100. Well worth the cost. Uses 4 C batteries. Can turn on and off. Best to you my friend!
My Mother who has dementia has a robotic cat. It has been very helpful to her especially since she had to give up her cat when she moved to Memory Care. Its very realistic!
If she is in memory care, she likely will forget what you tell her. Trying to tell her something that is logical "I am not allowed to" won't mean much to her, if anything. She may not understand.
If I were you, I would tell her "tomorrow I will. I'll go home and get my pillow (or something).
Giving her this 'in present time' HOPE is not much although for her, it may mean a lot. So much depends on her cognitive functioning / comprehension.
At the very least, smile and say "yes" or shake your head.
This must also be very hard on you emotionally.
Tell us about you.
How old are you? Do you now live alone? How often do you visit? How is your health? Tell us how you are feeling. How long as she been in memory care? If you are living alone, what do you do with your time? Do you have hobbies? Friends?
Try a large full length pillow for her to hold. I believe they can be very comforting. They might be called body pillows.
Also, see if you can find some volunteers to spend time with her during the days, in addition, to the activities that the facility offers. You might be able to find a college student studying geriatrics / social work / nursing.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
She may ask why you can no longer live together and just be honest that she now needs more care than you can provide. That you will visit her as frequently as possible. That you love her.
This falls, unfortunately, as those of us who are old understand under the heading of "not everything can be fixed." Aging comes with a whole lot of loss and unhappiness. I am so sorry for the grief you're both suffering. And "I am sorry" is sometimes, inadequate as it is, the only thing to be said.
Don't let the sadness and guilt and stress effect your health. Take good care of yourself, your doing a great job , now she is in memory care, where she needs to be to keep her safe. Take time for you, to rest, sleep , eat right, have some fun in your life, and breathe!!
Reason and logic will not work and she won't remember the discussion, so the only strategy is to leave her while in as calm a state as possible. That's as much as you can do.
maybe ask centre if they allow calls ( for your mother to help settle her in)
get a nice picture of you/ anyone she’s close to and put by her bed
not an easy one
I hope the centre understand your mother needs help settling in and helps you
have that conversation
I see people leaving their loved ones all the time, in waiting rooms, hospitals, care homes.
Such a variety of people! From the hesitant, nervous folk - delaying their exit, overtalking with worry..
To the detatched, no-nonsense folk - See you tomorrow then. Bye.
Turn. Leave. Gone.
To all the folk inbetween.
"Fake it until you make it" is my 2c.
Act confident - in body, face & speech.
Give a good hug or squeeze of the hand, a firm nod, a kiss, whatever is your practice.
See you tomorrow.
Go.
PS It is hard. It takes much bravery.
It may feel fake, to hide your grief, fear or saddness at leaving her. But it is also a great kindness. To maybe save her from picking up on those emotions.
Trying to tell her something that is logical "I am not allowed to" won't mean much to her, if anything. She may not understand.
If I were you, I would tell her "tomorrow I will. I'll go home and get my pillow (or something).
Giving her this 'in present time' HOPE is not much although for her, it may mean a lot. So much depends on her cognitive functioning / comprehension.
At the very least, smile and say "yes" or shake your head.
This must also be very hard on you emotionally.
Tell us about you.
How old are you?
Do you now live alone?
How often do you visit?
How is your health?
Tell us how you are feeling.
How long as she been in memory care?
If you are living alone, what do you do with your time?
Do you have hobbies?
Friends?
Try a large full length pillow for her to hold.
I believe they can be very comforting. They might be called body pillows.
Also, see if you can find some volunteers to spend time with her during the days, in addition, to the activities that the facility offers. You might be able to find a college student studying geriatrics / social work / nursing.
Gena / Touch Matters