Let me begin with, yes my mother is a Narcissist. Growing up, it has always been about her. She had 4 of us, one she sent way to foster care. The other three she pit against each other. She lies like no tomorrow. There is no room to love others because of her own selfishness. My father always worked and was never home. So she yelled, pushed arounds her kids, and ignored us as much as possible. I was the one that she admitted she hated as a child. How ironic, I am the only one that is taking care of her..Today she had many medical issues that forced her with my family that includes my mental ill husband, and ADHD son.
What was I thinking!! She lies ALL THE TIME, to family, doctors, etc. Refuses to do what she had to do to stay alive. Yet, if she thinks she is having a heart attach, call 911 now! Then when caught in lie or deception she hates life and wants to die. She is still trying to pit my own family against each other. She fake cries, lies all the time when corrected. Then when she doea nor get up and walk, she falls, unstable,gets dizzy. When she gets up every hour and walks her stability returns to normal.
My husband takes care of her. He came down with mental illness 2 years ago from high stress managent job. It is chaos daily. He tries and tries to get her to do the right thing, she lies, he feeds her balanced meals as instructed by Dr. She refuses or cries or lies. She has CHF and has to walk every hour and drink 6 8oz water daily. I come home from work, he is stressed, she is stressed. She does not walk, too tired, 1 glass of water Total and she is dehydrated. She is now longing for my attention, my son NEEDS my attention, my husband needs my attention. My mother puts on her narcissist behavior, starts crying, hand over face. Then starts, nobody cares or loves me. My husband now in anxiety attach, he has had enough, my son want mother, cant handle the chaos my mother is causing.
I am told by doctors she will die within 3 months if in nursing home because she has to walk every hour. Most of our battle..well lies, walking and drinking.
My grandmother had CHF and went to rehab, died 2 months later of CHF. If I can keep her, she will live. We kept her alive for 11 months but at everyones expense.
This family is stressed out.
I am stressed, working, trying to mend my family and I just want to put my mother in time out, in her room! I cant hand handle much more. Oh, my sisters and brother dont want her. And my mom is a Christian that lies, deceives and hurts others.
I dont know what to do. I started to lay ground rules and she does more fake cries, pouts, negative talking that nobody loves her. Husband is over it, losing patience, son losing patience and losing respect for grandmother.
And my mother seems to be holding the strings!
One minute she is crying and 5 minutes later laughing at the cat or dog! The family is upset because of her actions, and she acts like nothing is wrong!
Help, I dont know what to do anymore. I am out of ideas to bring this house together in Harmony.
But here's one more good reason. You will find that once your mother is safely placed in a good care facility, she won't be hurting you all any more and you will be able to love her again. It will be better for *her.* Remember that for when she kicks back.
Best of luck, please let us know how the search goes.
Just today she said she wants my husband gone because he makes her walk. She gets pleasure if she hurts you, yet she puts a smile on her face and acts like a sweet old lady with a knife behind her back while she weaves lies and deceives. The stress is horrible trying to do the right thing.
Thank you all for the insight. I now know what I need to do.
My family needs peace. I need peace. I will call around for a good nursing home where she can be happy.
Thank you ALL again.
I had lunch with my mother today, and the waitress at the ALF told me how lucky I was to have such a delightful mother! She asked me if I had a lot of fun growing up, saying she could just imagine what FUN it was growing up with Joanne as a mother. Uh huh, I could have told her stories that would have turned her hair gray........that's the thing; these women present one face (false) to the world, and an entirely different face to their 'loved ones'. The offspring of narcs are often looked at as being mean or nasty, since the rest of the planet thinks they're soooooooooo wonderful. It's no easy feat dealing with these people, and surely no FUN at all, believe me.
No. Not so. We are, every one of us, going to die. Your mother is nearing the end of a long life on this planet and unless there is some unusual circumstance she is going to die before the three of you. Imagine the personal disasters you will be left with as a result of her living out her days with your family. Your family structure was complicated enough before she arrived.
Bottom line, she will die, it's inevitable. She will die in your home or she will die in the nursing home. Decide. ....And God bless you sweetheart.
I feel the key is to take care of yourself and do what's right for you and your family. I am the Scape-goated one too and although it became a habit to try and win my Mother's approval - only the opposite could ever happen.
Save yourself - leave her to those who are better able to cope with her.
I would have put mother in ALF last year, but was shot down by the other (MIA) sibs. They think everything is peachy.
You are worried that she may die if sent to a NH? She's going to die, anyway, not be crude about it, and do you WANT your son to watch that happen? Should your hubby be the primary caregiver as that happens?
What THEY want and what WE KNOW is possible for their care are often miles apart.
Moving your mom to a NH will be hard, but if you do not do it, the end may just be so absolutely horrible your family won't survive it. Sounds like your mom rules your house with an iron fist. How awful. My hubby would have left this situation years ago.
Good luck.
It will be difficult, because your mother has been pulling your strings your whole life, but you need to place her somewhere she can be cared for without hurting anyone else. If it helps motivate you, think about how your mother's demands are causing you to not meet your son's needs.
The next time your mother has one of her 'spells', take her to the Emergency Room. While she's being evaluated, ask to talk to a social worker about placement.
Of course, if your mother has the financial resources, pick out an assisted living community TOMORROW and move her in. No arguments, no discussions.
As is typical for the children of narcissists, you are having trouble saying no. You're trying to please her even though you know she can't be pleased. That's a very unhealthy way to live.
She's an adult. Give her the ultimatum to either pack or you're leaving it on the curb on the first. As for her finances, I wouldn't even take care of that, let her make her own mistakes. But choosing to take care of anything for her, you're keeping yourself tied to a toxic person. Just let it go and let whatever happens happen. She already made your life and the lives of the rest of your family miserable, just wash your hands of her and let her be. I also was in a situation where I could never again be in the picture no fault of my own, it was their choice to push me away and keep me away. The more you stay in contact with the narcissist, the more they will abuse you until you cut them off.
Problem
* You will see that even taking care of money or something like that for the narcissist, the problems will continue.
Solution
What I would do is just change my number and don't give it to the narcissist. Only give it to people you trust, but if the narcissist somehow ends up with your number, change it again and keep changing it and find out who gave your number away but just don't give them your new number from now on. You're trying to stay out of reach of the narcissist, and the more distance between you and the narcissist, the better.
I don't know if you ever heard of a thing called the no contact order, but many people who have survived and escaped a narcissist knows about a no contact order. It doesn't matter what you do for her now, she's always going to complain, look what she did when you showed her the new place, she had complaints, right? She will also complain about you taking care of her finances and other stuff. That's why you really need to cut her off and drop whatever it is you're doing for her and just stop doing it because she still going to make your life miserable if you don't cut her completely off. Trust me on this, she will keep hounding you in one way or another until you give in and give her what she wants. This is why you really need to completely cut her off, you'll be sorry if you don't. I know, it's your choice and your life but I'm just warning you from experience because I've been there in someway or another, and I know what a narcissist is capable of and what they'll do if you're attached to them in any way whatsoever either directly or indirectly. Moving the narcissist away from you or even moving out is not going to be enough because they will always want something from their victims and the will always victimize you if you let them
Best of luck to you.
Enough is enough.
Best of luck to you.
Make an appointment with a social worker from your county's senior division. Today. If mom is not already on Medicaid, the SW will get her application rolling. At the same time, he or she will help match mom with a facility that can address her constant (and escalating) needs.
Your mother is the type of parent who convinced her children from an early age that they only exist to be tied up in knots over her drama. You have every right and every reason to put a healthy distance between yourself and mom's toxicity. If you do that by placing mom in skilled care, you ARE taking care of her needs. Despite what the guilt machine in her mouth and the guilt machine in your mind are telling you. (That's all false guilt, BTW.)
You and your husband and son need to heal as individuals -- and as a family. This won't "just happen." This requires courage and action on your part. Again, you are not "putting mom out." You are matching her with the proper level of care.
It's time to reclaim tour home. And tend to your own needs....and hubby's and son's needs. It's OK to do this. It really is.
Good luck. Stay strong!!
You have had your taste of hell. Now get her settled somewhere and take care of yourself and immediate family.
Placing her will not be easy--she will cry, blah, blah, blah. It will not be pretty--but it will be short-lived. Steel yourself, grin and bear it. It will be over in a few hours. Then--DO NOT VISIT FOR A MONTH. Give her a chance to get used to the place and for the place and doctors to get her on the right meds.
Sending you a big hug!
Do what is best for you who is number 1. Don't feel obligated.