My 71-year old mother's health is not doing well. She lives overseas with my 76-year old dad; their relationship, the household I grew up in, is absolutely toxic. Up until this day, they are constantly yelling at each other even though my dad still helps her with her medication, etc.
Over the years, she's been asking me to sponsor her to live in the US. In her words, "She wants to spend her remaining years with me and her grandchild." She told me, "She's a changed person now and feels her relationship with God has been stronger." I don't honestly see any change in her so I don't know what she's referring to.
Last we talked, she brought up past issues because she wanted to have us "get back together and start anew," but the problem with her discussing things with me is I never get the chance to express my feelings. She brings up an old issue which I try to explain my side to, but she immediately shuts me down and says, "She doesn't want to talk about it" and even if she tried to listen to me, any of my reasonings, the way she sees it she says, are "invalid."
First of all, I know she will just ruin our lives with her toxicity. I'll be walking on eggshells in my own home. She's already said things about my husband that she doesn't like. At this point, even her presence irritates me.
Second, the size of our home is also just enough for us. I worked to hard to have the life I have now only for her to ruin it.
Furthermore, I had a miscarriage recently. I know no one is supposed to blame, but I can't stop thinking that the stress she gives me has attribute to it. When they were here a couple months ago, all she ever did was give me stress - even the littlest things. For example, we would agree that I pick them up from the hotel at a certain time, but she would always be late. I felt she was just disrespectful of my time. I know for a fact that if it were her eldest sister (whom she wholeheartedly respects and looks up to) she has plans with, she will always be on time.
She was abusive to me physically and emotionally growing up, but part of me feels like I'm still somewhat obligated to care for her. How do I stop feeling guilty? I've gone through therapy and that's somewhat helped, but I feel like because of our culture, it's hard to get past this feeling.
Please Google Fear, Obligation and Guilt and you may find some clues.
"No mom, I can't do that. It doesn't fit into my plans".
If you wish to maintain a relationship, continue with simple visits. It is so terribly unlikely that she has changed overnight. Visits can increase in frequency, and you’ll always know they are finite. But once she moves in, you’ll be trapped with her. It’s going to be difficult to say no, but stay strong and protect your happy home life.
Pushy people will push their own agenda, if you decline what they ask, they will zoom in on any cracks in your defence, then pry they open, pick apart your reasons one by one, twist your words, push & manipulate until they get what they want. They are not interested in your view, your life, your needs.
Listen to what she has said already? Has she ever asked how YOU feel at all?
Maybe you have already decided against..? Do you want advice or support on the HOW to say no?
I'd keep it simple.
Like 'Grey Rock' technique simple.
"No". It can be a complete sentence.
Followup as required with
"No. We've discussed this. I said No".
This is what I do with a very bossy family member. Still stressful, but I don't budge. Discussions only prolong the pain & pressure on me.
Sure you don't know my mother personally? You describe her to the letter here.
She has no interest in a 'new' relationship with you-she's just saying what she thinks you want to hear, and it's been successful in that it's filled you with doubt and guilt. Since her behaviors were unchanged during her visit, how do you imagine they will improve if she comes to live near you, with you her only social support? You'll be dancing to her tune 24/7, and she'll be a toxic force in your family's life. What kind of relationship is that to expose your child to or expect your husband to accomodate? Do you really want her near your kid given how she was with you?
Don't be stuck in your childhood role with a manipulator who doesn't respect your boundaries, your choices, or the fact that you're a grown up raising your own family.
I'm just angry right now because of our last conversation. I know no one is to blame for my miscarriage, but should I tell her about this? I just hope that if she knew, she'd at least stop stressing me out and creating drama.
My condolences on your recent miscarriage.
I also feel like I should tell her about my miscarriage hoping that it may allow her to be more empathetic and cause me less stress moving forward, but part of me feels like it won't change anything. She may blame herself, but it won't result in change; it will only feed into her self-pity and "woe is me" attitude.
And would you really want her around your children? Please NO! She could cause them the same pain that you have experienced, so why would you do that to them? You need to protect them as well as yourself from harm.
I'm very sorry about your miscarriage.
Good luck in breaking away from your mom. She's horrible and deserves no more from you.
"No" is a complete sentence. "No, mom. That will not work". Refuse to discuss it, when she brings this up, walk away.
1. Your OBLIGATION to your nuclear immediate family which is
or SHOULD BE your prime imperative.
2. The likelihood of someone only 70 years old to live another
two decades at the least.
3. The likelihood of getting any care assistance money from the
government here should your mother ever need it.
4. Your ability to "take it all back" when it doesn't work out.
If you consider all four of these points in your own heart privately, and then with your own family, and you STILL DECIDE to move forward with this? Then I would say there is not now and can never be in the future any hope whatsoever for your happiness and for the thriving of your own family.
I am sorry to be so blunt.
Your obligation is to yourself and to your immediate family, not to your ACCIDENTAL PROGENITOR.
You asked, and I gave you my honest and heartfelt opinion; I hope only for what is best for YOU and those you LOVE.
We all must make our own decisions.
I wish you the best with yours.
Mom brought up God.
Does she plan to leave her husband? Are you going to participate in breaking up your Mom & Dad? What does your culture and religion say about that?
That is only one thing to consider.
There are so many red flags that you may not be safe in a relationship with your mother. You have given enough reasons, now live in peace.
Unless you have taken to heart lessons on how to be a narcissist, do not confront or try to explain to your Mom about any blame for your miscarriage.
You are sad, lost your child before it was born. It is another loss that you could not turn to your own mother for comfort. So very sorry for your loss.
Cling to your husband now while you heal. Relegate any relationship with your parents to the less contact mode, your future, your healing, your family.
No one should ever be forced to take care of a person who has abused you emotionally and physically. What is wrong with your therapist, did you not go over this in counseling?
Your best self-care action would be to set yourself free from the "fog of fear, obligation, and guilt". It is real. It is like not being able to have an emotion or thought separate from your mother when in her presence. And only becoming aware of all those crushed eggshell left behind when she leaves. Even then, the FOG may not clear, as evidenced by your post here today, still trying to sort out your feelings about very real normal emotions you are having over your Mom.
You are reaching out, keep up the good work of healing!
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