My Dad was recently diagnosed with dementia although I was pretty certain he already had it before the diagnosis. I had a hemorrhagic stroke in May 2021 that initially left me paralyzed on my right side (I can now walk and function to some degree after having gone to months of therapy). I am also 7 months pregnant with my 2nd baby but have been struggling to continue taking care of my Dad. My dad has been starting arguments and belittling me, my son, and fiance more frequently than he used to and refuses to do anything besides eat, sleep, and soil himself, in which he absolutely refuses taking a shower and changing his clothes. He will literally try to fight me over it. These are just a few of the the things going on. There's a lot more to it than that but things have gotten progressively worse since I started helping him and its not as easy to handle as it was prior to my stroke. I've discussed with a home health nurse about calling adult protective services and potentially having him put in a care facility since he isn't in the right mental capacity to make his own decisions and isn't taking care of himself properly but he'd be infuriated if I called APS and he doesn't want to go to a care home because he doesn't want the state to take his house if he goes on Medi-cal (that's what he tells me). I'm just at a point that I don't feel like I can care for him much longer. I've been doing basically everything for him for the past 7 years and it's not just physically and emotionally draining, but since I'm not paid to be his caregiver, its kept me from providing financially for my family. Would I be wrong to have him sent to a care home? I'm the only family he has left and I could really use some 2nd opinions. Thanks.
There are just TWO things you need to focus on right now. Your own health and your kids.
Your dad's care is NOT your responsibility.
So he is infuriated.
So what?
You decide how much you can help. (With moving home, kids & new bub on the way, I'd say a weekly phone call is about it!)
Either he will give in quick & accept a home service. Or he will give in slow - via APS, EMS or some crises or another.
My relative was a slow learner.. still refused home help services after being unable to shower or get up after a fall. But once I stopped attending - HAD to give in..
It sounds like your father lives on his own. You are at a place where you need to let him sink or swim or he is going to take you down with him. Your young family comes first.
If he has dementia, don’t expect him to notice or even care that you are overloaded. Empathy is often lost. YOU have to set boundaries. Not in the sense that you need a confrontation or big conversation. You have already told him his options. Now, you just back off from the help you have been providing. If he is struggling, you call APS. It doesn’t matter if he gets mad. You can’t let his anger dominate your decision-making. Especially, when you are in such a delicate state.
Those types of strokes are incredibly difficult to come back from and a pregnancy will put stress on your body.
Please take care of yourself. This is one situation where you need to just get out from under the burden before you get crushed, and you need to get out now.
There is no guilt here. Just heal.
He is one that will do it his way until a crisis and no choices left, before anything will change. I think there are lots of us here that have a parent in that group, some have 2.
You, on the other hand, have an obligation to your children. What will happen to them if his "stubbornness" should stress you right into another stroke?
I got lucky, I have 2 parents that were in the "Everything is going to be my way, until a crisis and no choices!" I can honestly say that dealing with my dad has prepared me to better deal with my mom. As hard is it is to let go, knowing it is a train crash heading your way, the only thing that you can really do is move far enough away from the train, the tracks and the fallout area to be available to help advocate when the appropriate resources show up to scrape them up. I was blessed in the fact that my dads train wreck was mild compared to what my moms will be, yet, dealing with him I ended up in a cardiologist office because I thought I was having small heart attacks, nope, just stress. That's when I knew things were changing on my part, I wasn't going to leave my family because he was going to do it his way with me propping it up. You are in greater danger of not being there for your family because of your health.
Prepare yourself for his anger and his vile reaction to you standing up for you and your family, because it will get worse before it gets better. Thicken your skin and be prepared to hear how awful (putting it nicely) that you, your kids, your fiance are, from anybody that will listen to him. This is partly the disease and partly the my way personality, it IS NOT YOU, so don't give it any head space. When people tell me things my folks said about me, I still don't understand why people enjoy telling hurtful things but, I sigh and very resigned say, "I know." Then I promptly forget it. Even "professionals" will try using this tactic to make you feel responsible to step in, ignore it, no matter the source.
From the sound of your situation, you are not going to be able to help your dad. He is going to stay at home, sitting in his own waste, doing it his way, until the state intervenes. You have to prepare yourself for this. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done with him but, it is the surest way for him to get the help he needs.
Has anyone explained to him that he won't lose the house to medi-cal? Of course, the ideal solution is for him to sell it and pay for his new residence but, he will be dead before they do MERP. He is more likely to lose it to taxes if he goes into a facility, because he won't be able to pay for anything, that's another reason to do a sale, why let the state benefit from a tax sale when having the cash to pay gives him choices.
That is a lot of words to say, "You need to take care of you, so that your children have their mom to take care of them, regardless of what your dad wants, a healthy you is the only way to move forward."
You got this, you can definitely be strong enough to do the hard things required for him to get the help he needs.
Congratulations on your daughter and continued recovery!
This reply should be a permanent posting on the site 🌟🌟🌟
The alternatives may be to decide what you want to do yourself.
a) If you have a toddler and a new baby coming, moving out and getting a job may not be financially possible. But it’s the obvious best solution. Live your own life!
b) It doesn’t sound as though your fiance is working (and presumably the fiance is the father of at least the new baby). If you move out, could he work and support you and the children? If not, why not?
c) Can you do a deal with F? You write a list of ‘essentials’, and he has to agree if you are going to stay living with him. If he would find it hard to cope on his own, and he knows it, he may be willing to compromise. But you will need to be convincing about moving out if he won’t compromise.
d) Have you considered the possibility that he might actually like you all to move out? He doesn't appear to like BF, small children aren't everyone's cup of tea, and he doesn't want to do what he is told.
e) One thing that isn’t worth worrying about is ‘F being infuriated if you call APS’. Very few people rush towards institutional care, of course he won’t like it. However while you are still there and caring for him, APS is likely to say that his situation is OK.
f) You may do better calling the police, if you are on the level about ‘He will literally try to fight me over'...taking a shower and changing clothes soiled with feces. The police probably won’t charge him with anything, but they may have more power to force other solutions.
APS or a counselor (or the police) may help you talk all this through. It’s more difficult than you simply making a decision that he ought to be in care.
My dad was recently in a care home and was referred to an in home health agency upon being released but he only met with the nurse once before he decided he didn't want to see them. At my dad's one and only visit with his home health nurse I told her that my fiance and I are moving out before the baby gets here and that it was unlikely that I would be able to continue to help him. She expressed concern about him being able to live by himself without someone to provide home support. I've tried to talk to him about getting an IHSS worker, but he needs Medi-cal in order to use their services. He refuses to sign up for Medi-cal because of his house. I don't know what I can do to help him if he doesn't want to help himself which is why I brought up a care home and even that will require Medi-cal. He really shouldn't be living by himself though because he's already done things that are dangerous. Like thinking he was turning the stove off when he actually turned it on and then walked away.
I understand how difficult this is for a nice well-meaning person like you, but you don’t have a magic wand. Go down the list again, and pick the ‘least worst’. Love Margaret
I see the common sense answers based on one simple fact: Dad can no longer live independantly: A) Move into care. B) Run his own staff of home helpers. Now with Dementia, that will be rule out B. Leaving only A.
"he doesn't want to go to a care home..".
Not many do 🙄. Now the hard thing is 'putting' someone where they don't want to go..
This will take the legal authority. Start on this if not already.
Keep talking to Dad though, dementia or not, the more he can have his preferences met for his own living & life based on his own values the better.
No she is not wrong to want to do this.
She needs to care for herself and prepare for that new baby.
I'm assuming you're in his house. In that case, tell him you're leaving if he doesn't get his own help in immediately while you physically cannot help. If it's his house and not yours, it's just wrong to make him be the one to move out immediately while y'all get to stay.