My family is considering moving to Hawaii where my husband was born and raised. He is older, in terrible health, and misses his life and family there. My children and I suffer from a very rare genetic disease ourselves so the future is unknown for our own health. We all love it there and dream of being there where we feel is our home. My mom is independent and in good health, and loves the town she lives in in the very cold northeast. She doesn't leave her house much and is very busy with her own activities in her home. We have asked her to come with us or split time and have offered to spend three months here in the summertime, but she freaks out every time anyone so much as mentions Hawaii, sunshine, palm trees, swimming.... She says we are killing her to even talk about moving. I am at a loss about what to do. The guilt is killing me... On one hand I can't imagine leaving my mom due to how much she is upset by this potential move, but on the other hand I know that my kids, husband and I only have one life as well and this is an opportunity to follow our dreams. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
I live in the NE as well, my preference and my kids live within driving distance.) My neighbor is close to 70, and has been going for a few months these last few winters to stay with her two of her kids and their families in qatar, but decided she's had enough of that! Her plan this year is to maybe go late winter to visit for a few weeks at most. She missed NE and despite raving to me about all the wonderful things there, this year she mentioned all the things she dislikes about it!
At 70, active with friends and activities, she will be fine. It is your life (and your family) so it is not her decision to make for you. Complain all she wants, but YOU accept no guilt! Certainly there should be plans for the future in place (will, POAs, perhaps IL or AL) but that is something she will have to decide on and agree to.) Hopefully there are enough good friends and/or other family nearby who can at the least keep tabs on things.
Go but don't buy any of those places near that volcano!!! ;-)
She is healthy, she should be living her own life.
I am 84, I remarried at 65, we had 17 years of wonderful travels and fun. Now my hubby has alzheimer's so a lot of that is out the window. I worked part time until I was 83. I volunteer with the Sheriff's dept. I have for 5 years now.
On another subject:
I want to take a minute to thank everyone who posts on this great site. I don't know what I would have done or would do in the future without you. I say this because today I realized that my husband is going to start needing help with his meds. Not taking them YET, but ordering them and being sure he has enough. I think I handled it well and that is due to advice I have seen here in the past. Thank all of you..
Don't accept her guilt. You have made extremely generous offers to take her with you and/or to visit with her in the summer months.
You're killing her? She'll probably outlive you.
---- years ago my grandmother lived with her son (my uncle). He wanted to take his children out for a night on the town however my grandmother did not want to go... he didn't want to leave her alone so he decided not to take his family out. As the evening went on my grandmother decided she wanted to visit her friend down the street so she hopped in her car and gone. My uncle was shocked... he gathered his three kids and wife and they went out and had a blast... needless to say when he wanted to do that again he did it whether his mom wanted to go or not. Your mom is healthy enough to be left and you can visit her, she can visit you. ALOHA!!!
At 70 your mother is not old. Apparently she is in pretty good health, is independent and living the life she wants to live ... here, on the mainland. You & your family want to move to Hawaii and that is what you should do. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
Once you get settled, invite your mother to visit. She may decide Hawaii is exactly where she wants to come visit year after year especially in the winter! But whether she does or she doesn't, she will get used to it & at some point you will come to understand you cannot please all the people all the time, but you do need to please yourself.
Moving is stressful. The thought of packing up a lifetime of stuff is daunting. The thought of learning a new area is stressful and frightening. The thought of leaving longtime friends is heartbreaking. The thought of trying to make new friends is scary.
I can see where your Mom would not want to leave.
The "job" of any parent is to raise their child to become a strong independent person that can lead a fulfilling life of their own and hopefully to marry and have children of their own. Your Mom did her "job" and you are doing what you should do. You leave your parents to be with your spouse, this is as it should be.
I can tell you right now if my daughter had a job opportunity or was caring for her husband the way you are caring for your husband, your family and that care or job required a move like that there is no way I would hold them back. My only request is that they found a place with a guest room or an in-law arrangement so I could visit.
Tell your Mom you are going, you love her, that there will always be a room for her so if and when she visits she will be welcome. Tell her that you will visit her as often as you can. I know the trip is not an easy one given the distance and it is an expensive one as well. (And Hawaii is not an inexpensive place to live either!)
Pack your bags...GO!!!!
I wonder if your mother is thinking about the future, rather than how lonely she will be right now when she has many familiar activities. Perhaps you could ask her. If she is worried about how she will cope with you so far away, perhaps you could talk to her now about options that will give her more company. Independent Living in her own town could perhaps be a good idea, and you might be able to spare time to take her on some inspections. Most people think that moving sooner rather than later has real advantages in allowing new people and places to be ‘learned’ while you are still very capable of adjusting. She can take all her activities with her to IL. But ‘you are killing me even talking about it’ is crazy stuff, not worthy of respect.
CWillie is right, the chances are that she will have 10 years of active life in which to think again about her even longer term preferences. You will probably plan to visit every couple of years, with lots of chances to find out how things go at both ends. Your mother may be happier to think about a holiday with you in Hawaii rather than a firm decision to move. You aren't moving to Mars!
Do your best to be sure you can keep that offer open. There are phones now with OnStar service button. One button call to 911, most towns you register her home address with the city 911 system.
I have system with fall detection pendent I wear under my shirt, and unit that goes on belt clip or in my pocket with GPS locator if I fall or push help button when away from home. Pendant has 300 foot range from the base, so she doesn't need GPS system to garden, just to go to store or play bridge. Very discreet!
These are options for now or in the future for peace of mind. Many people will live longer happier lives if they can stay in their own home, and die peacefully in their sleep.
Make a habit to call her daily to catch up. Tell her how all of you are doing with the move. Her side of the conversation will give you a good feeling for any changes in her health.
You might push for some kind of system to monitor for a sudden event. A fall down basement stairs, etc.
Don't hesitate to call local police for a wellness check. In fact you can buy a lock box for an emergency access key and give emergency personnel the code if she doesn't answer. That I would insist on! The unexpected can happen to us all. Having a contingency plan can save her life and allow her to maintain her freedom and lifestyle!
I definitely feel you have to do what is best for yourself, your husband, and kids.
That being said, please respect you Mom's desire to stay in her home and community. If she has said she doesn't want to move, please drop the subject. I'm 70 and in good health. I love my home, friends, and community. I would probably move to be close to family, but I don't want anyone demanding that I do. I am still in charge of my life (with God's help, of course) and don't want anyone telling me what to do. She may be upset because she feels you're putting pressure on her to move and her defense is to ask you not to go.
Also, I often need time to adjust to an idea. If you go to Hawaii, in a year or two she may decide to follow.
Stay calm, tell her you're going, and that you would love for her to join your family in Hawaii but you understand if she wants to stay in her home. Tell her she will always be welcome if and when she wants to visit.
I am around your Mom's age, the only way I would move is if magically my home, my career, my volunteer work, my doctors, my friends, my grocery stores, my hairdresser, my car mechanic, etc. could all come with me.
At my age, the thought of learning a brand new area can be very mind boggling, especially trying to drive from point A to point B. And replacing all of what I wrote, and then some, can be an impossible task.
I had moved numerous times back when I was married, but I was much younger then, and had the energy to be on a new adventure. I wouldn't do that today.
I am all in favor of you and hubby moving back to his home base where he has his family. Plus, if you need caregiving help, his family is there. With modern technology, you and Mom can call each other, and actually see each other.
I am still working on downsizing from a home and community I only lived in for 10 years. It has been two years and I am still unpacking and trying to clear out a storage unit.
I moved to a place without stairs, in the town I went to college, so I had friends to ask about all those services, but they either work (own their business) or are caregivers to their spouses. The city has changed a lot..for the better, but I didn't drive in college, so as you said, I needed to learn my way around. Still working on it.
I am only 61! I don't have family nearby, but they are not nearby the home I lived in for 27 years.
Thank you for sharing your insight.
Your mother is healthy and active, why would you stay? Get off Mum's guilt train and live your life to the fullest.
Heck my folks are 84 and almost 90, I would never let their age put limits on the opportunities open to me.
If every adult made plans for the what ifs of life then this website would not exist and that is what we should encourage our parents to do. Not make their kids the plan.