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My mother has been slandering me since I went to help her downsize a few years ago. Although I succeeded in selling her home (at her request, though she denies that now), finding her a beautiful condo large enough for all the things she wanted to take and spending two years (instead of the two months she'd told me) helping her across the country, putting my belongings in storage on an opposite coast and getting zero help from her darlings, my 3 other siblings. After she was all settled in her new beautiful home, I left a broken suicidal shell of myself with nowhere to go and my stuff still to this day in storage many states away. Because I wouldn't abandon any chance of a life for myself and abandon my belongings to stay to be her unpaid slave and driver, she's gone on the war path against me.


Since I went to help her through now she tells anyone who will listen that she "gave" me all her money. Reality: she put maybe a 1/4 of her wealth in an irrevocable trust benefitting all four children and their children. I am the trustee and have never touched a dime of the money as it only goes to us on her death. The rest of the family believes her (she's a stellar actress and I've always been the family scapegoat) so I am completely estranged from them. I have no one as I spent my life catering to my needy mother though I wanted a family of my own. I also have very limited finances and am worried tremendously about my future alone as an old person (I'm about to be 64, she's 93 - I have some health issues, she's never had any) with no one to help me and not even a place to live now.


As she does every few months, today she sent another email saying she wants me to "give her back" the irrevocable trust money that "I got". I tell her the trust says I can't (it does). Well in today's email she didn't say that phrase, she only said "Would you be willing if we could make it different" with Irrev Trust in the subject line of the email. I emailed back asking what she meant but she only answered "so you won't." I emailed "I won't what"? She'll never answer. This is how it happens every few months.


Sorry for the long-winded background. I'm trying hard not to get suicidal again - knowing I spent decades putting her first before establishing a life for myself. I'm worried that my greedy siblings are behind this time (she's at their homes now - they all live within miles of each other in D.C.). They're wealthy and I'm worried they'll sue me based on my mother's lies. They manipulate her easily and she plays into it. They know the truth about the trust.


Yes, I could give up my share of the trust to be free of all this. But I will need the money especially if one of my health problems returns in full force. My mother spent decades promising me she would always be there for me as I was for her, but she never was.


So my question (?? I don't even know what to ask), what can I do to protect myself? I thought about talking to a lawyer (my mother and I are in different states now) but I found that I'm very bad at explaining the situation to strangers, with them just seeing me as worried about the money. It's sometimes hard for people who've never been truly alone and without a home to understand real need. I am worried about the money, but the suicidal pain is from the abuse my mother heaps on me and the alienation from anyone in the world I had and the years I spent doing for her trying to get her love or caring unsuccessfully at the cost of establishing my own life. My main fear is my siblings going after any money I would get. I can't take the pain of a lawsuit by myself. I didn't know where to put this question. I wish there was a category here for narcissistic abuse.

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Go see an Elder Care attorney right after you make an appointment to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist who can help you through the emotional crisis you're suffering right now. If you feel suicidal for one moment, please do not hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at: 800-273-8255

The EC attorney can walk you through the financial situation your mother is trying to manipulate you about, no worries.

The psychiatrist or psychologist can walk you through the emotional manipulation and FOG (Fear Obligation & Guilt) your mother is putting you through and help you develop some coping mechanisms to deal with her.

Take a look at this link about Passive/Aggressive Covert Narcissists & how to recognize them:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3

Debbie Mirza has some great podcasts on the subject & has also published books which you may find useful. Google the Grey Rock technique (which she also talks about in the link I gave you) which is a great way to deal with your mother by basically ignoring her & cutting off the 'supply' she needs to keep her going.

You're not alone with having a crazy mother like this, either. I have a narcissistic mother myself who just called me carrying on about some nonsense & then hung up on me b/c she considers me The Bad Guy, as usual, in spite of me managing her entire LIFE for her the past 10 years after moving her close to me. Same sh*t different day, so I feel your pain.

Try to relax tonight & take your mind OFF of the BS your mother is peddling, ok? These women are looking for a REACTION from us and the worst thing we can do (in their eyes) is NOT give them any reaction at all. Turn off your computer and watch some mindless TV and have a glass of wine.

Wishing you the best of luck finding the help you need to disassociate yourself from the toxicity your mother is bringing into your life. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
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marymary2 Aug 2021
Thank you so so very much, lealonnie1. Your advice is very helpful - plus just reading it makes me feel the situation might be manageable. I'm so sorry that you have to endure a horrible situation too. You are clearly a wonderful and helpful person. I appreciate beyond words how you have generously helped me with your post. Wishing you all the best.
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I understand the abuse your going through. I have a similar situation. 2 siblings one out of town and myself in same area as my folks. My sibling comes a few times a year and wants to relive their youth instead of really helping. Doesnt think there is much wrong despite my giving them updates. Things got bad recently and i decided it best to not speak to my sibling anymore and instill boundaries with my narcissistic mom. Its a horrible predicament as my fam tends to also believe my mom. Clearly now she has roped in my sibling too.
The sadness of losing these relationships hurts but i decided to get therapy. You should consider it too. Its the only way we can fully begin to understand what has happened. Never give up on yourself! Keep going and get help despite all the ugliness.
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marymary2 Aug 2021
Thanks, PandaMom4. I'm so sorry you have to go through those horrible experiences. I wish you all the best.

I've been trying to find a therapist for 2 years now. Most don't even bother to return my calls to see if they are taking new patients. The few that do aren't taking anyone new. I only found one therapist last year, but she kept saying "Oh a mother would never do that" to the most painful experiences of my childhood and now. I had to stop going as I was tired of trying to convince her and only feeling worse when I left. She kept saying "I'm a mother and I would never ...." Well, as you and I and others here know - mothers surely can and do bad things to their children.

Sending you strength and hoping you have better days ahead.
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No amount of money is worth your life. Walk away from your crazy mom, go back to your original state, get your stuff out of storage, and build a life worth having up again. Your life is what you make it. Right now, you’ve made a mess, but it can be unmade.

Don’t worry about the money. They sue, let them have it, but I doubt they will. Just walk, go back to your life. You’ve given your pound of flesh and then some.

It’s time for your to take control of your life, not throw it away. Know that you have value.
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There are people who have been and are in situations like yours. Please wait for them to respond. This forum has members from all over the US, Canada and the UK primarily. Welcome.
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marymary2 Aug 2021
Thank you, JoAnn29. I've always felt I'm the only one with a mother that literally wants to see me dead. I'm so sorry there are others in the same boat.
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Hi marymary2, 
 Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. 
 However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide for you. 
 Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 
 Call 1-800-273-8255
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marymary2 Aug 2021
Thanks. Sorry to have over taxed the others who are dealing with their own difficulties.
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Please note, this post is from August. The OP has not posted since early Sept.
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Sones familiar to me, I'm kinda going threw something similar so know your not alone. I've always been the black sheep. My situation is for the past 4 almost 5 years now, I've been taking care of my ma. She can be not only mentally abusive, she can also be physically abusive!! I've been bit, shaped, punched, kicked, spit on and scratched. I've been pushed down stairs, my hair pulled and she bent my finger back so far it broke. She's broken so many items in her home, I just stopped placing any kind of nick nack out at all. She started this stuff while having a uti. Makes her go stir crazy and she lashes out with everything she had. I've ended up in the middle of the street in handcuffs cuz she tried jumping from the truck screaming and yelling I was trying to kill her and her big thing is to push or punch or slap and scratch me then yell help me help me at the top of her lungs or hit the window or door screaming help me......my father passed about 6 years ago and my mother and him worked at this family business he bought and started while me and my sister were kids before my brother was born. We ALL put in time in the place but when my pops fell ill, my brother kinda stepped in to help my ma take care of some of the business end she could take care of my dad. When he passed, I moved in to help and then all hell broke loose and my brother and sister both pretty much told me to get out of my mothers home and basically accused me of something someone else had been trying to do. ( someone tried to scan her after my pops died, and tried to get her info, long story but had nata to do with me) anyway, I decided to just move completely out of state. I found out shortly before I moved that my ma had been taking meds for dementia so upon leaving, I told both my siblings what the case was. I found out my pops head stone haven't been taken care of so I came back to make sure it was done almost 2 years after he passed. I went to a doc appointment and that's when I found out he didn't want her to even drive any more. ( let me add 3 days before my pops passed, he asked if I would make a promise and take care of my mom because he believed I would be the only one of us 3 to do it) so I decided after breaking down on the way back home to just stay and take care of her. I hadn't spoken to my siblings in almost 3 years before coming back and found out that my brother, without even asking, just decided my mother needed to retire, took over all her financial business and basically took over the business, everything. I may add before my pops passed he made a deal with this billboard sign people to set my ma up for the rest of her life for any kind of retirement and at our family meeting, told my brother if he wanted to take over our family ran business, he would have to buy me and my sister out as that was all of our inheritance, he had 3 kids and a wife, not just one kid and we all put in some time. Regardless, my brother took this one lump sum, paid off the shop, ( not the home of out mom as it should have been) paid off all the shops bills then come to find out the deal was one lump sum then after 5 years some kinda annually or quarterly for 99years and guess what? This year would make it 6 years and my brothers new home is paid off as of last year!!! He has lived there for only 3 years and he's paid it off, bought 60 acres 2 new trucks and has went to africa x3 new Mexico, Florida 1 time to hunt and then a family trip to Disneyland withv3 kids and a wife, Hawaii and Alaska and a few other place for hunting but most of that has been within the past 10mths. Has taken my niece and nephews almost completely outta my mothers as well as my life but believes he is taking care of our mom by paying her some bs wage. They have a rental with a bank note, and ma has paid that but I've never seen rent at all in her account. And neither help me at all!!! I feel your pain, it not about money but it is as you've as myself left a life of your own to caregive!!!
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