My husband and I are at our wits ends trying to deal with his 79 year old mother. Let me preface this by saying she is extremely controlling, manipulative and has an addictive personality. She has been miserable most of her life and relishes in other’s misfortunes. She has been divorced since my husband was 10 and has lived alone since then. She is estranged from her own daughter and all her siblings - we are the only ones who will deal with her. She smoked her entire life and now is paying the price with a host of medical problems (COPD, osteoporosis, RA, colitis, etc.) Her vertebrae continue to fracture - one by one. Last Nov. she ended up in the hospital due to her fractures. She has been in and out of the hospital several times since then. We have been taking her to her medical appointments, bringing her groceries, doing laundry, cleaning her home, etc. We both work full time so this has been quite stressful. We are nothing more than servants to her. She will not listen to any of our advice because SHE KNOWS BEST. We found a care-giving company that is wonderful but she won’t use them as she doesn’t want to spend the money (even though she can afford it). About a month ago, she OD’d on pain medication knowing I would be there in the morning to take her to a scheduled appointment. I found her unconscious. I feel I was set up and it has been very difficult for me to move past this. After she recovered, she ended up in a 5150 facility for three days and now her doctors will not prescribe the heavy-duty meds. She refused psychiatric help. The first time she was released from the hospital, she checked into a SNF. She was not happy with the care and let it be known to the staff. She made up a excuse about how the home was unlicensed and ordered my husband to come pick her up (against doctor’s wishes). Honestly, she cannot handle the lack of control when she is out of her home environment, but most likely she wanted to SMOKE. After the most recent hospital stay (where she received a procedure to inject a ‘glue’ into her vertebrae and pelvis) she was checked into a different skilled nursing home. She lasted about 5 hours before she demanded we pick her up. My husband called the nurse at the home and tried to work out her issues with the care. MIL refused to listen and hung up on my husband. She called an unsuspecting neighbor to come get her. They ended up back at the ER but they wouldn’t admit her and told her to return to the SNF. At the time of this writing, we honestly do not know if she is home or at the SNF. We are exhausted and very close to walking away. They guilt is overwhelming but we cannot continue to be manipulated by her toxic ways.
Having boundaries sometimes HURTS at times. You will get through and come out the other side.
Without boundaries, you will continue to be at her mercy. She will be happy as a clam, and you guys will have sunk.
You are doing the right thing. You will get great suggestions on this forum. Search for “burnout.” There are lots of people who have gone before you, and you will find wisdom in the replies under this search term
Best wishes to you all!
She is very rapidly going to run out of unsuspecting chauffeurs of any description, though, isn't she. Your poor husband. And of course poor you, but I suppose he is the one who gets his ear bent with every phone call?
I'm so sorry you're left in this horrendously stressful limbo. I think the only thing to do at this precise point is wait and see where she lands, and decide from there what it is and is not reasonable to do in support of her.
If you step away, she will have to 'work' on other people, people who DON'T love her or are connected with her. It's not going to be pretty.
I can only see this staying the same, which is also getting worse. It's so sad, really, she's driven away everyone who could care for her. BUT!!!
You guys need to present a united front, tell her you will no longer shore her up and tell her she either has to stay in the SNF or find for herself the in-home care she needs. Period. No half way--"we'll do A, B, C and you can do the rest" --you need to be nothing more than distant relatives.
She's not going to change. Repeat that over and over. Support DH in his need to be free of this toxic person.
It seems so mean, I know. But having been there with my own MIL, I see hoe negative her behavior and attitudes are and how upsetting to my DH she is. He is struggling to carve some distance from her and feels very, very guilty. YET--like you, he has done nothing wrong for which to feel guilt!
Boundaries are needed.
Stop "We have been taking her to her medical appointments, bringing her groceries, doing laundry, cleaning her home, etc." Why would she pay anyone if you are doing all this for her for free. She does not care about the impact of her demands on you, she wants what she wants when she wants it.
I read an interesting editorial in The Guardian yesterday. It was positing that there are 2 types of Narcissists, those who are psychopaths and those who have such an inferiority complex that they act the way they do to bolster their own sense of self worth.
But from your perspective, she is 79, she is not willingly going to change her behaviour, so you and your DH need to change yours.
Your DH needs to think about why he has stuck by her and accepted her abuse for all these years, when others have walked away, including his sister. He may need therapy to work through the trauma he suffered at her hands as a child. He needs help to realize he can tell her "No, I will not do that."
Your marriage may need support to work through why it has been acceptable to put you in your MIL's firing line.
Now you may come back and say if you and your DH do not help her, who will? Well, that's her problem, not yours. You say she has money, she can spend it on her care and support. She can become a ward of your state government. If the two of you were in a car crash tomorrow, she would find a way.
I know that I and others make the comment that if you die, something will happen. And I know most of us do not think we will die before our parents. But I learned very early on that death does not care if you have a family to raise, a job to do etc.
Other siblings have taken what I think is the correct action in this matter, and that is to remove themselves and go on with having a quality life. It is unlikely anyone in this woman's general vicinity will be able to have a quality life, or much happiness, and they have recognized that.
I hope that you do walk away. Please turn her over to a license fiduciary to handle. She can pay for her care then as she will be billed for it. She will be no more unhappy than she is already. And she will be unhappy because she is very unwell. No one gasping for air constantly (that's COPD ) is happy. As to RA, you don't cause it yourself, and interesting enough, smokers often live without symptoms from RA longer than non-smokers and no one can figure out why. Long and short, whatever the case, there is no cure for what MIL has, and she is content to let it all hang out. No one can live with that. Well, perhaps a SAINT can live with it, but the job description for Saints is to die ugly and then live eternity trying to fix everything for us (bad job description).
You are human beings. You have limitations and you have a right to your own lives. You will feel sad. She will feel sad and angry. Not everything can be fixed and this is all worthy of sadness and anger.
Licensed Fiduciaries charge about 90.00 an hour. Likely your MIL will need to enter care in order to have her needs met, but I suggest you and your husband get together, make your decisions, and then tell his mother together what they are. Just coming to agreement yourselves as to what you can and can't do may take a few counseling sessions (I recommend a licensed social worker trained in life transitions and changes).
Sure do wish you good luck. If you continue in this care I will nominate you for Sainthood. I would so much rather see you just live a good quality life in which you recognize you are a member of the human race with limitations, just like all the rest of us, including your poor MIL.
Seems to me that he - and you - have fallen into that pervasive "caregiving trap" which leads you to believe that there is a "perfect" solution out there - one that will make your MIL happy (probably not possible), keep her safe, and remove yourself from her toxicity, all while keeping her at home, where she can continue with the very addiction that, in part, led her down this road to begin with.
You know there's no talking to your MIL; there's no pleasing her, other than doing exactly what she wants, exactly when she wants you to - but wait, it seems you've been trying that already, and she's still not happy, is she?
So now, I think your side of the conversation has to end with MIL, and start with husband:
"Sweetheart, we need to talk about your mom. I love you, and from that love comes a fierce protectiveness. I cannot stand seeing her treat you the way she does. You know and I know there is no making her happy. You know and I know that taking care of her on HER terms will be untenable and unsustainable. We can't do it anymore; so let's find a solution that will keep her safe and taken care of. Her happiness is her responsibility and hers alone, and I am afraid you will ruin yourself if you don't acknowledge that and come to terms with it. I will support you as we place her; I will defend you when she curses you for "making her unhappy", but I will not stand by while she drags us and our marriage into oblivion! I love you too much to allow that to happen without a fight."
If you like the wording, then please feel free to use it; if not, find your voice in other words! But have the conversation - you both are only trapped as long as you allow yourselves to be trapped! It won't be easy, but you need to tell yourself that the life you're living now isn't easy, either! You and your husband deserve to be happy; it's ok to admit that her behavior is keeping you from achieving that!
Your husband needs to learn to stand up to his mother. She should be given nicotine patches to stem her cravings to smoke.
No one can force you or your husband into caregiving. It is a choice you make. The sooner you and your husband decide to stop allowing your MIL to manipulate you, the sooner you will stop feeling burned out and the sooner you can get on with your own lives.
"We have been taking her to her medical appointments, bringing her groceries, doing laundry, cleaning her home, etc. We both work full time..." You and your husband choose to enable her to not spend her own money on her own care.
It's understandable that you feel she set you up by overdosing the morning you were taking her to an appointment! That may be her way of getting attention and it's an extreme form of manipulation. Recognize that her needs - real or imagined - are only going to increase and she requires much more help than either you or your husband can give her.
It's time to follow the lead of the others who have already left her. You must set and enforce boundaries now or she will ruin your marriage. If your husband is unwilling to set boundaries with his mother, that would be a red flag.
Six months ago I started talking to a counselor who helped me set boundaries and made me feel good about doing it even though I was afraid he would die alone and miserable. All this in the midst of a husband going blind and a mother having to be put into care.
My severe depression is lifting and I find I am finally getting back into MY life!
Please have a talk with your husband. My husband thought I was mean for doing this but realizes now that my brother is leaving us alone and and seeing the consequences of his own behavior. He still makes bad decisions but I no longer feel responsible for them. It is extremely freeing. I am loving him by visiting and keeping in touch but physically he is still getting his aides to do all the things HE wants to do, bad or not and I am no longer helping .
I wish only the best for you. Peace to you and your husband.
As people who work u should have set boundries long ago concerning what you can and can't do. One would have been, she could hire someone to clean her house. How bad could it be with one person living there. She can wipe down as she goes. I have one of those sponges with a handle u put soap in for washing dishes when its just a few items. Paper plates are great. Swiffer products for a quick dry mop and dusting. Clorox wipes to wipe down the bathroom and kitchen counters. A small electric broom for quick pick ups. Then pay someone to do a good cleaning once a month. Laundry? She is not capable to do her own laundry? Who mows her lawn, I hope not you, she can pay someone, my Mom did.
As someone said on this forum, you are not enabling her, you are disabling her. She should be doing as much as she can for herself. As said, she won't change so you need to by setting boundries. By doing everything for her she feels she is independent and she isn't. She is dependent on you.
Let's get real here. Both of you would be at wits end. You two need to TALK clearly and deeply and set the standard for your house and those who dwell in it.
You would tell your kid what the rules and expectations are.
You would say NO to poor ideas, you would say NO when the police/school/neighbors call you to come get him.
It will be painful--- but it is necessary.
NOW, back to MIL. Obviously others in her family have set limits with her---not seeing her. It's nice that you are left to set boundaries. No, you will not find her a nursing home--let the hospital social worker do that --it's her job. Give your mother a list of Care agencies --let her contact them as she wishes. Give her the number for grocery deliveries. When hospitals call, listen but tell them that you are not making the decisions for her.
You can love her at a distance.
You and your DH need to love in person.