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My 95 yr old mom lives with me , she has dementia , I do everything , docs, meds, a special diet , injections etc…


I pay someone on sundays to help so I can get out, I have recently set boundaries with a sibling ( who I have helped over & over ) she is angry & resenting the boundaries, however when she comes to stay with my mom one night, a week, she constantly talks about me over & over, I can hear it & my mom gets upset, however it s tricky , cause my mom has always babied my sister & still tries too & after hearing smack about me over & over , she starts believing my sister,


my sister does nothing to help, but sits & complains about me, I don t know what to do, if I tell her not to come over, she says I m keeping her from my mom, if I tell her to stop talking about me, upsetting my mom , she says she s not, or she tries to engage me in an argument, if I ever ask her to come over to help ,if I have to go somewhere ,the answer is no, I m at a loss what to do, Do I act lovingly to someone who just wants to talk behind my back for the sake of my mom or not?

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Ignore it is all you can do. Get s sis a narcissist? If so, you are just feeding her need for attention.
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Leave when your sister comes over.
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I suggest a different solution. Maybe consider supervised visits. Set the boundary upfront that you are not to be a topic of discussion. That any discussion of negative things" is upsetting to your mom and is forbidden for her sake. Then sit in the same room with mom and sis (in the corner, read a book or fiddle on your phone) and the minute she crosses the boundary you interrupt and either you remind her to change the topic or out she goes. I realize this is a pain but if she sees you're going to relentless protect the boundary *because it upsets your mom* then she'll either comply or stop visiting. Sis will complain about this arrangement but remember she herself has caused it to turn into this. Supervised visit or no visit -- those are the only options. Or, she's welcome to call your mom but she'll be on speaker phone and you'll have one finger on the End button.

Your mom has dementia so is no longer able to use logic and reason to work through the smack and bring herself back to a peaceful state of mind and tell sis THIS is the main reason she has earned a monitor. Be in the room and don't waiver on this.
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With Geaton here. Your house your rules. I just said this on another post, I am not for the Caregiver/POA banning family members from LOs unless those family members are causing the LO to become upset.

I might tell sister that because she is constantly putting you down and upsetting Mom, she is no longer welcome in ur house. If she wants to see Mom, she can take her out for a nice drive or to lunch.
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