Hi! My mother was diagnosed and given two types of medicine for Alzheimer’s by her family doctor. My father is in denial and thinks this is all she needs right now. My siblings and I would like to see her go to a memory clinic. She struggles with remembering things, just by going into another room. My father still lets her drive, even though she’s had issues with forgetting where she was going before. I’ve tried speaking with both parents about her “confusion” She just cries and says we’re ganging up on her and my father says it’s not that bad. My siblings and I don’t even know where to go from here. Any advice?
Currently your Mom should not be in these "discussions". It will confuse her further, and could cause paranoia and depression.
You father should, and you should be responsible for the learning curve, have an assessment by a good neuro or neuro psyc doctor as needed.
So you and your siblings need now to learn. There is a lot of information under the topic on this site. There are organizations and meetings and support groups on Facebook and everywhere else. It is very difficult when this sort of thing is dropped in your lap in this manner.
I don't know staging was done on your Mom? Whether it has or not, but best thing you can do for her is tell her that she will NOT face this alone, tell her it is "the aging process" that will come to us all, tell her that she may have forgetfulness and such issues, but that you will be there for her, and help her through everything.
There will be a good deal of anger, crying and denial if this follows the normal curve.
So sorry you all are facing this down. It is time now to get all papers in order to do care should you need to, to take on finances and bill paying and so on. Hope all you siblings get along well, because if you do it will be an enormous help.
It also sounds like she needs continuous supervision around your ailing father. I’d try to info from the attorney about what evidence you need, time involved, etc, At least you’ll know what to prepare for. Many people with dementia protest and don’t just accept help.
I’m not sure what a memory clinic is either. A senior daycare? Sadly, dementia is brain damage that is normally not reversible, so, it can’t be repaired, but, I’m no medical professional. You can ask her doctor about it.
Welcome to the AgingCare forum!
The first thing I did when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 89 was take away the car keys and put a steering wheel lock on it. However, the fact that your father is in denial is not good as this will hinder anything you and your siblings will want or try to do. Please tell your father there could be a liability against your family if your mother were to get in an accident and either injure or kill someone while you/your dad knowingly allowed her to drive with an Alzheimer's diagnosis.
Next, your family needs to make sure all the appropriate forms are filled out i.e. Power of Attorney, I have a Durable Power of Attorney as well, Living Will/End of Life Care, Healthcare Power of Attorney, Mental Health Power of Attorney and Financial Power of Attorney. I also have a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) form and Advanced Directives in place as "MJ1929" mentioned.
I don't know what a memory clinic is unless you mean a memory care unit at a long term care facility which is where my mom is as of May. She was living in a regular Assisted Living Facility for the last five years.
I would start with your local "Area of Aging Agency" and speak with a social worker who can give you some guidance which is where I started back in 2014. Once you get one resource going, it becomes like a domino affect and one source leads to another and so on. Since your parents are not receptive, you and your siblings could do it on your own as far as gathering information so you don't wait for a crisis to happen - expect the unexpected so to speak.
Also, you could call the "Alzheimer's Association" 24/7 hotline at 800-279-3900.
I wish you and your family well in your decision making going forward!
It sounds like the university memory clinic offers just what you need to start out, with doctors, social workers, guidance etc.
As mentioned before, get all directives and paperwork finalized.
How to get them to stop driving and not be forever blamed for taking away their independence is tough. We struggled for years with my father. As one of 5 kids, no one wanted to be the "bad guy" that took away his driving. His primary doctor would not submit paperwork to Motor Vehicles to request a driving review because he felt it eroded the patient/doctor trust.
Maybe Ohio has something similar to what New York has. In New York State there is a form anyone can fill out and submit to DMV reporting someone as an unsafe driver. The driver gets called in for an evaluation, and never knows who reported them.
They either pass or have their license revoked. My brother sent in the paperwork reporting Dad. We planned to tell Dad he was a randomly chosen driver over age 90 that DMV was testing. (Perfect example of a therapeutic lie!) But by the time he got the letter requesting the evaluation, Dad was too far gone to go to the appointment. Two weeks later we got a letter stating his license was revoked because he missed the appointment.
Finally, it sounds like there is a lot going on with both your parents. It's time to start looking into hiring aides or looking at facilities. Hiring an aide now, before you get to the point of desperation, will help you choose wisely.
Best of luck to you.
We did try bringing in aides, initially just a 1 hr sanity/take meds check, with intent to increase as needed. I didn't care what they did for the hour, but less than 2 months later she refused to let them in. Time for plan B.
Is there anyone your dad trusts more than anyone? Doctor? Clergy? Friend? Family member? He is in denial, but he also may not fully understand what dementia is, how it progresses and realize there is no cure, that it will only get worse. He especially needs to understand how devastating it will be, both for any injury or deaths, but also potentially for any lawsuits if she gets into an accident - ins may not cover it, she could get killed or seriously injured, she could come to other harm when she gets lost and taken advantage of. THAT should be the first item on the table - getting him on board with not letting her drive. Whether he can stick to it or keep control of the keys, etc, may be an issue that will compromise any gains you make with this,
If you could get him together with that trusted person, present some high level information about dementia and encourage him to keep up hope and care, but understand that at his age and with her condition he will need help. Try to get him to agree to some in-home assistance, couple days/week, be there when they are there, to give him time to adjust, get used to having someone there.
She may have good days, she may have bad days. She may hit plateaus where she seems stable, so he may be fooled into thinking she's fine, but that could change at any time. Without intervention to help guide him in her care, this isn't going to be an easy ride! I would also ensure that he is tested - if he is declining cognitively as well, none of what I suggested is likely to work and you may need to seek guardianship and conservatorship (POAs are generally not enough to force someone to move to a facility - we ran into that.)
Finally, an Alzheimer’s specialist put her foot down and said to my Dad : “If she gets into and accident and harms property or a human, the first things the attorneys will find is that she’s diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and is on meds. You could lose EVERYTHING because you willingly allowed her to drive and knew she wasn’t safe.”
The driving stopped the very next day and my stepmom has never mentioned it...because she forgot she could drive.
Perhaps the doctor could review the the results with the family and discuss treatment options.
AND-answer questions such as "is it ok for mom to drive?"
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