Hi all, new to forum- I have a unique situation in that my father is elderly, but my mother is not, and dad is alone. Many of my friends don't understand because their parents aren't elderly, so I am seeking advice here.
My father married late in life to my mother, who is nearly 25 years younger. I am their only child, and they split when I was a teen. The divorce left me traumatized and depressed. Against my mother's wishes, I chose to live with my dad. Soon after my mom moved out, I began to understand why she had a hard time getting along with my dad. He can be very controlling and occasionally meets the criteria of emotional abuse. He has anxiety, especially when things don't go the way he pictured.
I'm similar to him in that I'm prone to anxiety and depression, with perfectionist tendencies. Our similar personalities can cause problems, especially when we have differing opinions. Overall, he loves me unconditionally and has devoted the last 30 years since I was born to making sure that I am set up well for the future. He took on the role of mother and father when I pushed my mom away. As a teen, I struggled with him greatly due to our differing opinions, but I have grown to understand him and truly believe that he means well and just lets his emotions get the best of him at times. He has always been there for me. I love him deeply.
I got married 6 years ago and moved out of state. My dad and I have maintained our close relationship over the phone every day. We do occasionally argue, but that is generally when one of us is under stress. I feel like our relationship has strengthened since I moved, partially because I have matured into an adult, but it could also be because we aren't living under the same roof.
Now that my husband and I have a baby, we feel inclined to move back to our hometown. All of our family and many friends still live there. We have no help with the baby here, and my husband works a lot. I'm currently unemployed, and since our baby isn't yet in school, the timing feels right for a move. My dad has offered for us to move into my childhood home. It is twice as big as our current home, and the mortgage is paid off. Financially, this seems like a great idea; the catch is that my dad would be living downstairs. I assume that the changes would be difficult for him but easier than moving him to another home or city. I like the idea that I could be there to help him (and he could help me while he's still in good health). I fear that he can't care for his large house much longer, and (selfishly) I know that I will be left to deal with the house when he's gone. His vision is poor, so it comforts me to know that I could be there for him. My husband is excited to be closer to his family again too, and giving our baby the opportunity to grow up near family is priceless. I'd like to think this could be a win-win for all; however, I have concerns about privacy/independence and my dad's controlling tendencies. I do think he would respect our privacy for the most part, but I don't want to isolate him in the basement. It is a finished basement with a full bathroom and mini kitchen, so he could stay there if we have guests and he doesn't wish to join the group, but I wouldn't expect him to stay down there 24/7. I want nothing more than to raise my child in a loving and happy home, and I know that we will have to move if things don't go well. I am scared to give up my husband's job and everything we have built for ourselves here, but I fear what will happen if we don't go back. My dad is 85, and I am his only surviving immediate family member. He has nobody except a couple of neighbors to check on him, and it isn't fair to expect them to do so. He doesn't want us to make our decision based on him and has been adamant that he wants us to do what will make us happy. I am very grateful for that. The rest of our family feels the same. I am torn and unsure what to do. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate any advice.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I guess that's something that I hadn't considered...that if he got used to relying on us and refused to leave his home and fired his aides, then we'd feel "stuck." We already haven't been on a vacation in over five years. Our last real vacation was our honeymoon. We were on the bottom of the totem pole at our jobs fresh out of college when we got married, so we only had ten days of vacation and used it all to have our wedding in our hometown and go on a five day honeymoon. Many of our friends went on a honeymoon twice as long and go on vacation multiple times a year like yours. Instead of going on vacation, we've spent all of our time off traveling back home to see our family a few times per year. We thought moving back would free up more time for vacation, but I see now that attaching ourselves to my dad could prohibit us from doing so if not now, then possibly soon when he needs help. The reality is that he may need help sooner than later because even if he lives to 100, most people don't make it well into their 90s without needing some sort of assistance. My husband and I are only thirty. I feel like I missed out a lot on my childhood, and I don't want the same for my children. Thank you for getting more of my thoughts stirring. I wish you luck getting out of your rut.
A few more things I’d like to add....As I mentioned, I always had a good relationship with my parents. One of the saddest things that has occurred is that now, in the last years of my father’s life, my relationship with him is filled with negativity and bad feelings. I know that my only “out” is when he dies. It is almost impossible to make a u-turn and ask him to go into an assisted living after two years of living with us - it would break his heart and leave me with nothing but guilt.
Finances were never a part of the picture - my husband and I are well off and my father has a good income and assets - yet, he has a negative image of any assisted living establishment and thinks “if I have to go there, it means my daughter doesn’t love me”. It’s a sort of emotional blackmail and though I don’t think he really means to make me unhappy, the current situation has made me miserable. Even though he could well afford a nice nursing home, it is something he has always insisted that he would NOT want to do. So, because I started down this road, I am stuck in my situation with him and the worst part is that after 60 some good years, our final years with him are going to be filled with resentment on my part for those last years.
As an only child like me, you also, have probably been used to a lot of privacy - and that will end. Friends tell me to “Get out of the house and do things”, yet the worst part is that there is no privacy or quiet time for me in my OWN home. Elderly people become very critical of the world immediately around them, and as his caretaker, you become his world. He exudes a lot of negativity..... whether it is about politics, tv shows, family members, or people in general - it can become a real drag on you. The world, for the mind of an elderly person, exists only 6 inches beyond their body - they become very anxious, grouchy, and non-compliant about any changes around them.
Trust me, for the well being of your marriage, your child, and your own mental health, it will be best for you to live nearby, but NOT with him. You will have no escape once you go down this road - and you will have a much better relationship with him at arms length. Good luck, I know it’s a difficult decision, but listen to those people on this board who have lived thru similar situations.....there is a reason they take the time to alert others about the path ahead.
Seems like you will need an appointment with and estate planner before your dad gets too much older. Good luck. You will have your eldercare heartbreak sooner than many of us do, so most likely will weather it better than old ppl often do.
unless you’ve tried it out fir a few weeks or months, I would not sell your house and move until you’re 100% sure you can handle the loss of privacy, independence, and the role of caregiver full time.
I love having Mom here with me. I know she is well and finally enjoying her golden years. She has a special relationship with her youngest great-grandson (4) where he visits for Grandma to read to him or he watches cartoons and plays at her feet. There have been some challenges in her care, particularly this year when she has been injured twice in falls. I'm not quite as tied down to the house as many because I moved next door to family and usually have someone to stay in the house with Mom while I escape for an hour or two. I can also afford to hire a care giver when I need to work in the office.
For me, the arrangement works very well. The time I spend caring for Mom is less than the time I would spending traveling to her home to provide the same care or maybe even just visiting if she were in a facility. There's less stress worrying about her, which would come back to a degree if she were in a facility. Mom and I agreed before she moved in that we would keep this arrangement as long as possible, but if a time comes when she needs 24/7 nursing care, then she would need to enter a facility and I would visit and make sure she has good care. There have been adjustments I have needed to make to deal with Mom's short term memory issues and general aging. Currently Mom isn't very mobile (knee is healing from last fall) and we're using incontinence underwear that I must be around/back to change so my time outside the house is more limited. I don't miss any "privacy" by having Mom in my home; I feel the kids impact my privacy much more. Mom has a sister who's 20 years younger and Mom stays with her when I need to travel for business or take a vacation with the kids.
My advice is that your father's personality and your (and your husband's) ability to compromise and adapt with changing events and needs will be the biggest drivers of how successful a multi-generational home will be. If your father died next week and you inherited that house, would you choose to live there with your family? If the answer to that question is no, then I don't think you should consider moving back into that house. When your father needs help with his ADLs will he accept an in-home companion/caregiver? Will there be resources available for in-home care beyond the few hours a week Medicare will provide for bathing and personal care assistance? When you want to take the kids out for a few hours or go on vacation? My Mom loves to watch the kids play and goes with us to pools and parks - anywhere she can take a perch and watch the happenings.
Are there resources and land available to build a study/suite for Dad on the main level? Those stairs can become a problem for you down the road. If the basement is completely below ground with no natural light or fire escape, it may not even be a legal bedroom area.
Lots of people here have told you they didn't know what they were getting into bringing a parent into their home, got "trapped" and now feel they made the wrong choice. Not everyone feels that way; not every parent is the same. Consult an attorney then consider and plan carefully.