New to parenting a parent that refuses to admit anything is wrong. Any advice?
Hello, I'm new to the caregiver life. My mom is 69 and has dementia type symptoms with delusions and hallucinations. She had been involuntarily committed from 2/27/14 until 3/21/14 between 3 medical hospitals and 2 mental health facilities in wa and or. The last place tried to commit her for a further 180 days after they gave her a vague diagnosis of Alzheimer's type dementia with psychosis nos. She has only had a CTscan and bloodwork at the first edicts hospital and the last mental health facility in or. The last facility lost their case and I brought her to live with my family and I (husband and 2 kids 11&13yrs old). Our house is to small for all of us and as it was we were already financially struggling. Since bringing her home I have had to quit my new job to be home with her. I have tried every resource I could google and every other one anyone recommended. I had a memory care facility lined up but the 'diagnosis' was not confirmed and she was denied Medicaid thru sr&disabled services. She only qualifies for $15 a month in food stamps which won't even start till the intake appt in June that somehow will qualify her for Medicaid and maybe a program i can be paid as her caregiver and maybe other programs, a big Maybe. We are drowning now and I am at my witts end with no support. My husband doesn't agree with helping her or anyone for that matter and since our house is to small I am sleeping on the couch, my son is in my room and my mom has his room. My moms psychosis started this year in jan after she gave up trying to save her home she owned of 20 yrs that the city in wa kicked her out of and boarded up nov 2012. The whole 2013 yr was spent with her trying any and every possible help she could find and nothing. My mom is a retired registered nurse for over 30 yrs. proud, stubborn and always had what she needed. Her mental state now is her personality exasperated by 1000 and from her hiding, stealing, lying, hoarding, forgetting, calculatedly remembering, and out right belligerent behavior my family is having a hard time. The delusions and hallucinations are mild but control her every thought. The fascinating part is they are based on real people and events but the outcomes are opposite of reality. Like she says her house is being moved to Alaska and she is getting all the money from it, when actually her house is in short sale and she is only getting a tiny amount; her 'husband' she waits for with everything she owns (not
Much) packed and ready to go with to her 'home' in wa and is a real person but in reality is an old neighbor that she absolutely despised because he called the animal control with complaints about her barking dogs. She actively converses with them and only believes them and I and anyone 'real' is a liar. She refuses to think anything is wrong and that she is now an empath who can talk to animals as well. Overwhelming to say the least. I one of there kids and the only capable one to be able to care for her. Well supervise her is more like it. I have literally exhausted every possible resource that or is supposed to have and nothing is available. With all the 'parents are better with family' garbage they make it impossible for that to happen. She refuses to go to a dr and get the necessary tests done to confirm the 'diagnosis' cuz she says this is how she's been. I finally got her to say 'she need her head checked' but now she's adiment that she's going to an appt with her dr in wa. Since being with us she has improved 100% and has only attitude, refusal, denial, and some mild cognitive issues. She did share with me that when she bends down and stands up she get dizzy and 'it starts again' which is the loud buzzing in her ears, which is a huge concern and points toward something medical. Without the money and resources needed to move into a bigger place or even place her we are slowly falling apart as a family. I know what I'm doing in my heart is better for her but with no support from anywhere I don't know how long I can do this.
If this is not the case, it points to regular dementia, or a serious mental illness.
My advice is to have her involuntarily committed again, and refuse to take her home afterwards. You cannot care for someone in your home if they are not compliant.
Angel
I wouldn't normally suggest this but perhaps you can tell her you're going to lunch, or someplace she'd like to go, and go to a doctor afterward.
The buzzing in her ears when bending over concerns me. Is she having falling episodes as well?
As to the home situation...that really sounds tough if your husband doesn't support you. Given his feelings on home care, does he realize that that could include him when/if the time comes?
Wish I had some better suggestions but right now I don't but I'm others will.
Gardenartist,
Yes she did have several 'black outs' and 'white outs' she calls them that a few resulted in her passing out. And in all the places she's been in they never noted any of those cuz she was done with them doping her up and treating her like just a crazy old lady. We do not have mental health issues in our family except for my grandma her mom who was severely depressed alcoholic that did have Alzheimer's dementia. And Salem hospital knew that cuz I made sure they did and that's where they got the 'diagnosis'. And yes I have though of creatively manipulating her to get her to the dr. The 3rd appt I've made is on the 21st if this month, we missed the other 2. But she is not as out of it as u would think. She's calculated with her lying and remembers only what she wants to. Her short term memory is very maticulousy filtered through to avoid anything negative or anything she doesn't agree with. I've tested it. And now finding out this new info with the dizziness is very very concerning. And all the research I've done shows there's somethjng major wrong. But even if I can 'get' her to the dr appt I can't 'make' her cooperate. Deep sigh. Stuck in a perpetual black hole.
There are a couple such groups in my SE Michigan area.
Your mother may not appreciate what she may deem as an intrusion, but I really do think the dizziness and blacking out (syncopatic episodes?) need to be investigated. There could be a link to her behavior.
What you might also do is order her medical records and bloodwork records from all the facilities in the meantime, with the idea that if you can get her to go to a doctor to investigate the dizziness, he/she would have an opportunity to determine what has and hasn't been done.
From what I read, it sounds as if the problems were exacerbated by loss of her home, which is most certainly a traumatic episode.
It will likely cost you to get copies of the records, but it might be worth the cost to get to the bottom of the syncopatic episodes.
Not be selfish' family for that.
Never mind, be that as it may. The trouble is that your mother is incredibly ill, you have no idea why, and now you're finding it hard to get her to agree to see a doctor. She is presumably refusing because she is psychotic and/or demented (these are not mutually exclusive conditions). And meanwhile it is also very important that a number of other physical possibilities get excluded. And meanwhile you're under terrible stress yourself, and your husband - for understandable reasons - is folding his arms and not helping?
Oh brother, what a muddle.
Now then. Since they're the only people who seem to have had a proper plan, what I suggest (and don't just say no) is that you go back to the mental hospital - call them up and talk to them about where everybody goes from here. I expect they did make some derogatory remarks, I'm afraid - probably they were hopping mad, feeling very foolish, and therefore not minding what they said. Were you exquisitely polite about them at the time ??? :)
The point is, they might well be able to help you, and even more importantly help your mother. TALK to them, see if together you can all come up with a plan that will get somewhere, and ideally build a good working relationship. Best of luck
And that sounds like a great idea. I hope they have let go of whatever attitude they have towards me. I was thinking to ask if there's some kind of outpatient order that would say she goes to her appts or she's back in the hospital. Like an employee picks her up here and takes her to appts. Cuz she will not go to any drs won't take any vitamins but the two she wants to. She needs to see a neuropsychologist or whoever can determine what's causing the psychosis symptoms to r/o medical fully. Worst case if I can't get help she will get sick enough and have to go. Which sucks. We have an appt with intake sr & disabled early June to see what programs she qualifies for. One of Which will hopefully have me be paid as caregiver, and no it's not about the money for any reason I'm doing this. But without it we are struggling so hard it's put stress on everyone. A little relief would be nice. So we shall see. I'm most worried that they will take what my mom says as fact and we will get looked at badly. Some of the things my mom says are damaging an hurtful and if the person who comes takes them as fact, that's bad news. I'm hoping this person isn't like the rest of the people with bad attitudes. It would be great if the intake person had a heart, rare but their around.
I tried calling the commitment guy but didn't get ahold of him. I'll try again tomorrow. I'm gonna ask him if there's some kind of order they can do so she will get the tests needed etc. Outpatient treatment. But they didn't give me anything after court. So I don't know how it's going to go.
I don't know if this is a consoling thought or not, but looking ahead things are going to start resolving themselves one way or another. You're doing what you can, but given that resources are so limited, and you have so little support, and your mother is so uncooperative… I'm just thinking, if it all does go belly-up on you and gets taken out of your hands, it won't be your fault. You really are doing the best you can in an almost hopeless situation. And then the consoling thought is, that if you're taken out of the picture, and your mother is left without any help at all, the state will have to step in and cope with her. And the ironic thing about that is, they'll probably make a better job of it than they have done so far with you to lean on so heavily.
I know that sounds pessimistic; I'm just saying that there is a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, maybe? Do please mind out for your own interests, meanwhile, as far as you can - your future is just as important.
I understand, you were trying to do the right thing. The advice that I usually end up with is for dealing with someone who understands they have problems, like "take them to the doctors". I can't get my mother to go ANYWHERE.
Anyway, although I can't help too much either, but maybe you'll find some comfort in knowing I understand what you are going through. As harsh as it is to say, I've been told that if something comes up that I can take her to the hospital for, they should be able to place her from there. (My mother is 70 and physically healthy). Just as long as I refuse to pick her up. I hope you don't end up in my shoes, and send you many hugs.
Have you contacted your lender? Depending on whether it's one of the Too Big to Fail Banks or a more approachable one, there might be something you can work out.
If there's a Lighthouse in your area, contact them. Also contact your elected representatives; some of them jumped on the foreclosure bandwagon and may have some suggestions for contacts that could help you.
Good luck - sounds like your family is really in a hard place right now.
I could she's gotta let them figure out why all the symptoms are happening so she can feel better. I was back with her for I think 20mins. With only the thought of 'what have I done, this is wrong, it's going to throw her progress in reverse
And the guilt consumes me.