I have no idea who I am anymore. Is this my life now?

I just want you to know you're not alone. Feelings like what you are going through, I have felt similar things. It's certainly not easy what we are trying to do for our loved ones. I have a lot of respect for all those who try.

Jenny, none of us are who we used to be. Life is an evolution. But you have been through an awful lot in a short time and these things will eventually pass. Sounds like your husband is a good man. Work together and you will get through it. Set whatever boundaries you need.

Oh, Jenny, I am the person my husband cares for and he is the one on this site, but I read these questions and comments once in a while. I am 70-years-old and have never had children, but when I read your comments, I just wanted so much to gather you in my arms to comfort you and cry with you. In fact, I cried for you as I read of your loss and pain. My heart broke for you when I read about you losing your child after trying so hard---I know that struggle.

Countrymouse is right. You need to grieve the loss of your baby and mammy, plus seeing your father get worse. You have so much grief in your heart that has turned to depression and anger. Grief can come out in many unhealthy ways if it isn't worked through and expressed. I wish for you to find a gentle, tender soul to listen to you and care for you.

Please know I am sending you all the love, light, and gentle presence I can and hope the light surrounds you with the love you need to heal. You are broken right now, but you need strength to become whole again. Listen to some of the advice you have been given by the others and know we all care about you.

Tricia Riley Schneider

Jenny 42, Thank you for sharing. You have been through a lot. You are so fortunate to have a loving husband and his family for all you have been through. My 2nd husband was from another country and he didn't make it through his struggles when he moved to this country. I would have gladly moved back to his country and do as you did. Like you, writing and reaching out about the problems I was having regarding caretaking for my Mother,  made something inside me come together to be able to get  matters in a proper perspective to solve problems. 

 One other thing we have in common, when I lost a baby in a miscarriage, I was leaving the hospital the morning my first husbands family was arriving to celebrate the birth of his cousin's baby. I felt so ashamed that I had a miscarriage and that my husband didn't arrange for my privacy while leaving the hospital like going out the back door so I didn't have to face his family. There was nothing to be so ashamed of.  I was my grieving for the child I had carried and lost. I live my life with a commitment to God, to embrace the faith I adopted and to live by truths in the Bible. I have two sons from 2 of my 5 pregnancies to my first husband. .  3 of the babies were miscarriages. They are waiting in heaven for me. I am 35 years older than  I was in those days and am beginning to get over the shameful feelings I had then.   It took me  time to heal and to grow in faith.

Jenny42 - Start by going to hairdressers & buying a smart outfit you love - wear it home with a straight back & play Helen Reading's song 'I am woman, hear me roar' in your head - arrange for someone to come in 3 hours a day to start with & you go do what you want even if it sitting in your backyard reading [start with something humorous] - arrange 2 full days a month so you & DH [on his days off] can go out for a drive & lunch at a pub etc - Auntie will have to pick up the tab for all this help

Inform Auntie that she is on her last chance so no more lies about you [she has to correct the ones she told] nor snipes at you - by the way there is no shame in her going to a nursing home - you probably didn't meet her until you were in your 20s so why put up with it - also maybe she would be better off with professional caretakers -

Go to several nursing homes in your area & look at them - bring the brochures back then show Auntie so she knows that you are not going to let her walk all over you anymore - remember you are doing her an enormous favour of letting her be in your home so she should keep this in mind -

Insist on a few 'please' & 'thank you' & reward her with a nice dessert - all you need to do is make her favourite dessert once but because she didn't say 'please' or 'thank you' that day, she gets jello then she'll improve her tone towards you quite a bit

In a nursing home they change the staff 3 times a day so that fresh people are there all the time - no wonder you are burned out - tell DH that his shirts go out to be laundered so that you aren't doing the ironing of them - lighten your load anyway you can

I think Auntie should be paying YOU a stipend so that you can save for your retirement too otherwise these are lost earning years for you - invest most of it & have a bit of 'play' money for yourself - you'll feel a lot better about yourself & life will be much more positive too - hope this helps

I am glad you you had your battle and DH supported you. Right now while Aunt is in retreat, figure out what you need, what you will do and won't. Aunt has had a lifetime to master her methods. She will start to inch back. I would place a bet on it. I would err on the side of doing less than you are willing. Good wishes to you. Been there.

It is wrong for a family to designate one person (usually the kindest weakest one) to be beast of burden for all their woes. We don't have to accept their burden. Its okay to go on strike or quit. If you didn't care for these people, someone else would have to. Step aside & see what happens.

Your life must not feel as if it is your own any more. You are taking care of others, dealing with their suffering, when you also need care, love and support. You have experienced a loss of a child--whether full-term birth child, or not--a deep grief only a mother truly feels.
You have no more reserves. 
Time to grab your life back. 
Do this without guilt (I realize that is nearly impossible) but if you don't, you will have given your life for others ... and I'm not hearing that is your choice.

I've learned we only go around once. It's wonder to give; however, sometimes it is absolutely essential we take. Take your life back now. Seek help while you do this to work through the anger, grief, isolation, and hard work ahead, but please, live your life now. Our lives are gone in a flash.

..... to answer your question... no, that's not all there is. Feels like it, you're d*mn right it feels like it, but no, that's not all there is for ya. Feels like everything & everyone has sucked the very last ambition, hope, happiness, right out of ya, right... because they have, the experiences you've been involved in have been heavy, too heavy not to retreat from, so there's no need to put lipstick on a pig, it's real, it's exhausting and it's exactly what's happened ..... gonna say this, when this aunt leaves, when you put everything that's happened in its right perspective, the old you will start to come out of hiding, cautiously at first, but only when you realize that the hell you've been thru, the war against you, has passed ... when the storm is over  ... you'll re-emerge. 

.....I know what I'm talkin about, the old me, came back.. sure, a bit scarred, a bit ragged, my energy level had some readjustment, and all frivolous dreams and concerns are now thinned down and weeded out ...so now, what's left of the me I once was, is now an emotionally trim version, I'm now more condensed into pretty clear goals, plans, and I don't put up with bull sh*t, nor do I say I will do what I don't want to do, any-longer..... oh, and all that Florence nightingale crap, the " i can do everything for everyone" side, was the heaviest collateral damage, and that's a loss thats was worthy of loosing. I'm very selective now, very protective of my 'life,  meaning I'm now protective of my time, my limits. I don't know you, but I could almost bet you're not "clinically depressed, but rather just situationally depressed... meaning the old you, will come back out of hiding, when it's all clear.  Ciao

Jenny, Congratulations! It took guts and faith to confront this and stay open to and focused on solutions, not blame! Clearly you and your husband have a solid and mutually supportive marriage, which is an enormous blessing! And clearly the "you" you've been missing is very pleased to be awakened. You have just made choices that are proof that you can still define your future - your 'life from now on' - and do so with integrity, which includes respect for others - but also, very big-time - respect for yourself. Kae Hammonds shared with me a new way to look at selfish -- Self Is H ealthy. not selfishness, just good, solid, persistent self-care to give you the strength and energy to care for others you love. Again congratulations and bows of respect for not only listening to others, but also acting on what was offered. Look in the mirror and notice that there stands a quite incredible force of nature!

Jenny42,

You are supposed to be depressed and angry after all that's been thrust on you. Please skip the depression and sleep medication--you can't fix real problems by running chemicals through your body. You can get more benefit by taking time for yourself no matter what anyone says. Get outside and be in nature. Go for walks, take lunch to a park or field. Look at the birds, squirrels, trees, leaves and flowers. Do this or something that you enjoy every day. The aunt is not your responsibility and you don't have to be around her any more. Her being mean to you in private and sweet when others are watching is called "Sweet to Mean" by psychologists and is a sign of narcissistic personality disorder. The people with this character disorder have no conscience or ethics. They don't change and they get meaner with age--never better. Please protect yourself.

Dear Jenny,

I am so so sorry for your loss.
As an RN and having been clinically depressed myself.
You definately seem the same.
How could you not?
You need to be hospitalized.
I went to an adult program for depression. They wanted me hospitalized but I had a husband in a wheelchair that needed my help at nite.
So i just participated in the day program.
If this means placing your husbands aunt in a convalescent home for the duration so be it. She may come back more pleasant.
However I also feel that placing her in a home would be BE t for you. Your husband needs to understand that you can no longer mentally or emotionally
Carry this burdan. Talk to councillor about this and if she knows of any place you can go
That has a good program for clinical depression.
I wish I was near you so u could have one shoulder to lean on and ear to talk to.
Pls let us know how your doing.

Thank you for sharing your story with us Jenny. I know a lot of us can relate. For myself, I realized the time was getting away from me. The daily routine wore me down. The lack of appreciation and validation was another factor. No matter how much we love someone it is a lot to take on. I thought I could power through but the anger and resentment was choking me.

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I'm so sorry for all your losses. I know its an extremely difficult time. I'm glad you will start taking a little more time for yourself. It is much deserved and needed.

Jenny, I'm so glad to hear you've had a good discussion with your husband, and even with his Aunties outburst, that there will be some real help in your near future.

Now you be sure to stick to your guns on these new changes, as we all know, words are words, but actions are Actions! You will need to stay on top of it, and increase your caregivers needs as things progress with her decline and increased needs too!

I hope this makes things must easier for you, that it will alow you and your hubby to spend more quality time together, as well as your Dad.

You know all to well how caring for others is ever changing, but you have needs too!

Super happy for you, and enjoy your free time, and don't forget to come back here and let us know how things are going! Good luck!

So glad to hear you had WW3 and things are looking better. I read your post yesterday and wanted to write last night but didn't get a chance. My heart goes out to you for all you have been through. My story is different from yours but I understand many of the feelings you describe. After a long stressful time of caring for a mother with very advanced Alzheimers and a father with Parkinsons, I told my husband that I feel like I got up every morning and ran into a burning building and spent all day running from blazing room to blazing room inside that burning building. Day after day after month after month. Then one day, I didn't come out. I died in there. Not literally of course, but emotionally I just died at some point. I still find myself angry and irritable at the least little thing, feeling emotionally hollow the rest of the time; full of resentment and wanting the whole world to disappear. I have asked the very same question you asked here: is this just what my life is now. And I'm not much older than you. . .45. I hold out hope that things will get better. We have a lot of life ahead of us, so keep coming to this site for support, reach out to a counselor, tell hubby about your needs and feelings, and go easy on yourself. Most especially, go easy on yourself.

Jenny I am sorry for all you have been through. It is an overwhelming, sometimes thankless job. You should have help every single day. More than one hour a day. Even with help it still difficult and exhausting. 

While I was caring for my father at his house because of strokes and dementia my BIL got West Nile Disease. My husband joked about my taking care of his brother too. I told him I couldn't take care of his brother. I have no guilt for not for caring for his brother. His brother died two years later because he never really recovered from the West Nile. I still don't have any guilt because I didn't take care of him. 

I would look into a grief support group. My father died in October of last year. I am in a support group from a local hospital. It helps a lot. Please take care of yourself. Love to you. 

Hi Jenny! Great development with hubby. Be sure to keep firmly/kindly/neutrally asserting your needs. Sometimes a breakthrough moment is just a moment -- for the partner who was not properly supportive. Make sure hubby knows that this is the new way....and not just a new day. 🙂 ((((hugs))))

Jenny, thank you so much for the update; I'm so glad that you and your husband are on the same page now!!

Hi Jenny,
I am so sorry to hear of all that you have been going through, it sounds very tough. I think the things you are feeling are valid and understandable giving the circumstances. My parents went through ten years of IVF to have me, and my mum cared her FIL and two ill parents on top of that. It was very stressful, tiring and depressing for her. I think you need to talk to your partner regarding the feelings you are having. It is okay to reach out for help. Additionally, there are services you can make use of. I know finance may be an issue, but reaching out to social services, or organising a home visit with the GP for your MIL may help. Even somebody to come in once a day and assist with MIL's personal care might take the strain off of you. You can finance this yourselves if SS can't assist, which I understand may not be possible, but even once a week, you should see her compliance with mobilising improve. Additionally, talk to your husband about maybe arranging some rest bite care, a week where you two can live alone as a married couple, and talk about things openly, and arrange a fairer plan that takes into consideration your needs too. Let me know if there's anything else you want advice, support, or just someone to talk to xx

Well, there was WW3 here last night.

When DH came home, I just cried and cried and told him that I couldn't do it anymore.

I ought to have been upfront and said something when I saw the counsellor that first time, before the baby was lost but then Daddy got sick and everything went on the back burner. I suppose I just thought that I would get better, she needed a different tack, I was hormonal after the baby - lots of things.

Long story short, DH believed me! He spoke to the Aunt and said he had put two and two together from oblique references that the day lady and neighbours had made about 'Jenny having her hands full'. He asked her to choose between the NH of her choice, or to stay here with us and attend day care in a nearby town, initially once a week, increasing to three days a week by Christmas. He has also promised to arrange two week's respite for us to take a holiday before the end of Summer.

The Aunt wasn't happy, said she wasn't wanted, better off dead, lots of things. She called me names and DH said he was happy to see her true colours. Once she had exhausted all her spite, she apologised.

I feel a Rubicon has been passed. I know now that my silence gave assent to her treatment of me. DH said she has always been a controlling person and, housebound and coming to the end of rather a tragic, difficult life, she's exerting that control in unhealthy ways. With Day care and the activities there, she'll have more to occupy her that Judge Judy and whatever I'm doing!

DH also called the Aunt's SIL, to whom she had been telling lies about me. She told her I went out for hours and left her soiled, that I gave her cold porridge - none of it true! I never leave this house unless DH is here, or the Day Lady, in a pinch.

This morning, she apologised again, and I hugged her and said we'd make it work. I'm not foolish; I know who she is and what she does. Even so, I'd hate her to end her days in a NH. She has many health issues and a 7.5cm inoperable AAA, so I hope, when her time comes, it will be at home.

I couldn't be more grateful that I found this group. I wish I'd known about it in all the year's I've been caring! I suppose I've fallen into the role of 'The Carer' and I should take some responsibility for that. I'm a 42-year-old, educated lady - too old to live for a pat on the head and universal good opinion!

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. It was good, hard sensible advice. Exactly the same kind that Mammy would have given, were she here. Bless you all for your help. xx

Jenny; there are some cultures in which it is assumed that caregiving elderly relatives is the work of women. It's an assumption, not a law.

The part of my family that is from Ireland is quite fatalistic about life. Things are not to be changed, they are to be accepted. According to my mom, when I was young and talking about feminism...."Ah, it's the life of woman to accept pain and suffering....it's the way of the world, ordained by God for the sin of Eve".

Um, no.

I think you need to have a private sit down with your lovely, understanding and supportive of everyone husband and tell him what the score is...that this caregiving gig has made you ill and that you will no longer be able to do it.

If he's really the lovely guy you tell us he is, he'll understand.

Resentment, that is what happened to me, after caring for my FIL in our home for 13 years, he is now finally in an Assisted living place (2 months), but we are still on the go constantly for him. At this moment, he is in hospital, following a fall and Pneumonia.

I too lost 3 parents in only 14 months time 13 years ago, and my FIL immediately moved in with us.

Will things return to normal, will you find yourself ever again? I hope so, I truly do. I do know that things can and do get better, but we are continually challenged at every turn, as the go to caregiver.

I recommend you stay with finding a counselor to discuss all of your many losses, and your Auntie needs to go. Find her a nice Assisted living place or more likely a Nursing home, as she is bedbound. This is all too much too fast for one person to take, and until you do this, you will struggle to find your new normal. I'm so sorry!

Please know, that you have found the most Amazing website here, as the folks on this site are so caring and generous with their support! We all need to have a place where we can jot off a quick note, and get such incredible advice and friendship! You will love it here!

I know you will continue to get great advice, and I hope you take it to heart, perhaps share it with your hubby, so that gets can see the caregivers journey from many different sides. Good luck, and yes, it does get better with time! Sincerely, Stacey B

Here in the states Auntie could have been evaluated and sent to longterm care from rehab.
You and DH need to talk.
With everything else and losing a child you need a break. There r many reasons why u may have lost the baby but I would say it was stress and your age. A 42 yr old woman should be taking it easy when pregnant. They found with me, I didn't make enough progesteron (hormon needed in early pregnancy) so I got a shot every week. I had. MiL that was one way in private and another in public. Tape the Aunt and let husband see hoe she is to you. You don't have to take it. When she gets going tell her u no longer are putting up with it and walk away. You r entitled to a life of ur own.

I would "like" Countrymouse's post a dozen times if I could! Yes, you are bitter, and for good reason! Putting your needs first doesn't won't make you a shallow person, but putting everyone else before yourself definitely makes you a doormat. Where is your career, your time for friends and life outside of endless sorrow and caregiving? Temporary so easily morphs into years, then decades, you shouldn't have to start a revolution to say enough!

I don't want this to come as a shock, but bear in mind that all I've got to go in is the outline you've given us in just a short time. It's very clear and well-written, so thank you for that and well done, but I wonder if what jumps out at us readers is quite so obvious to you.

Your husband is a lovely man, with key qualities such as loyalty and industry and compassion. That's very good.

You left your home town and moved to where he comes from. You gave up your job. Bit by bit, you became his family's go-to caregiver. Very sadly, the baby you and your husband had longed for was not to be; but life went on around you with your SIL's marriage and your sister's pregnancy. When your parents fell ill and your mother so abruptly died, you had to journey to spend the little time you had left with them as a couple. When you returned, the aunt immediately expected you to refocus your attention on her. You feel your personality has changed, so that you have become withdrawn and cut off.

The thing is. Where is the compassion for you? Where is the focus on your needs, support for your priorities, respect for you as a person deserving consideration?

It is lovely to be welcomed by someone's family; and it sounds as though your family has welcomed your husband's side too. Normally that is a very good, productive thing. But as things have fallen out, it's not so much that you've been included, as that you've been absorbed.

You need time to mourn your lost baby; time to mourn your mother; time to regroup after the loss of your FIL and MIL after years of your caring for them; time to spend with your father as his daughter, not his nurse. What you don't need is to spend any more time being taken for granted as the live-in companion and - forgive me - sucker.

Now, I don't know how your husband's aunt has swung this. I have encountered a couple of characters who get away with similar cuckoo-in-the-nest type strategies, and from their point of view it works, and good luck to them. But I do think the parent birds, if you'll allow me to stretch the metaphor rather, should be encouraged to take a clear-eyed view of what is actually going on so that at least they can make an active choice about whether or not they are prepared to carry on.

Your husband is a good man who wants to do the right thing by his blood. Nothing wrong with that. But he needs to wake up to what his aunt is taking and *think* about what is really due to her. And more to the point, he needs to be a lot less generous with your time and compassion. An hour a day is a nice gesture, and I'm glad you have a canny, alert lady coming to help you, but that's all it is. What about the other 23 hours? Did anyone ever actually *ask* if you were content to give them up to other people?

A great many terrible things have happened to you one after the other, much too fast, and you need time to recover. You also need time and space to adjust to what's happening with your father, and decide what involvement you can cope with.

But then there is anger. You don't mention anger. You call yourself bitter. Does it occur to you that you might have things to be angry about?

Jenny42 - Bless you for being such a loving, caring woman. As said above, you have suffered more loss in a very short time than most do in a lifetime.

Please stop with careing for HIS Aunt. She elected to be alone, with no children. She should have planned better for her golden years. Not your problem. Your husband needs to place her in Assisted Living or skilled nursing home. She refuses? Too bad - she has no say in the matter.

You have "hit the wall" and need time to heal both physically and emotionally. Rest and a Vacation are due ASAP.

Say NO, NO, NO! No more stress, no more caregiving. Time for YOU and HUBBY to spend quality time together and you take care of your health. You are truly an Angel and my Prayers and Best Blessings are sent to you.

Jenny, wow you've been through more than one person should in their lifetime. You are burned out with nothing left - very understandable. Did you ever get counseling for the loss of your child? Where is your husband in all this? Sounds like you've been given the caregiver burden with no help from other family members. As above yes you need to take care of yourself and do something NICE for you. Sounds like you need time away from all this, a nice retreat/vacation. Time to think what to do next with your life. Sounds like you're not getting any support from other family - seek out counseling and if one doesn't work keep switching up until you find one that helps. No this doesn't have to be your life and who you are now - counseling should help you figure out what and where you are, where to go from here. I'll assume your in your late 30's-40's? since you were trying for a child. I'm so sorry for your loss of your child, your mammy and your daddy(?), your MIL and FIL. My heartfelt sympathy to you and many hugs. I would discuss with your husband different living arrangements (SNF, AL, or other care facility, or other family member) for HIS Aunt - that you can't take care of her any longer. You two need to work on your marriage and have quality time together without family. It is okay to say NO to things you don't or shouldn't be doing. Do you have any hobbies you enjoyed before all this hit you? Perhaps join a garden group or other social network/group. Please keep referring to this great website and keep us up to date on your status. I feel your pain and suffering much love and many hugs - friendly!

Thank you so much for replying.

I'm in Ireland and I'm 42. I know I'm depressed, and my doctor has given me some Lexapro and Zimovane, and made an appointment with the counsellor I saw before the baby was lost.

The Aunt lives with us and my husband is all the family she has. He's an extremely loyal man and I love him dearly. His Aunt is very difficult and treats me one way publically and another privately. I've never known anyone like her before. May God forgive me, I wish she had left and my mother stayed.

Because she's immobile (by choice - she refused to cooperate with the staff at the rehab hospital), I can't leave the house unless my husband is here. He is a wonderful man and has arranged for a lady to come for one hour each morning. She helps me get the Aunt up with the hoist and then we chat over tea. She's the one who made the appointment with the doctor for me.

I know I'm grieving and that the last two years have been hard but is this it? Will I ever be like I was? Or, once I'm no longer caring for anybody, will my heart always be small and hard and bitter?

Jenny, if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be any help to anyone else. So, step one --- do something for yourself EACH and EVERY day. Join a reading club or church group. How about an exercise group or gym? Keep building up to create your own sense of worth. Assess the financial situation --- bring in some help. ANY little bit of help would be useful. If the aunt is living with you and your Dad is with you, can they each contribute to having help for 3-4 hours at a time? (Near me there is a 3 hour minimum so if each paid for 90 minutes it wouldn't be too bad). If anyone says 'gee I wish there was someway I could help you' grab them and ask them to visit for an hour while you do grocery shopping, or get a hair cut or just go for a lovely walk! See if there is a support group for caregivers in your area. See how others handle these things in your locale. GOOD luck.

Oh Jenny. Just as you hardly knew where to begin, I hardly know what to say.

So where's aunty now?

And how old are you?