Right now I have a grandmother that lives with me. She has mobility problems, kidney disease and high blood pressure and I am pretty sure she has some kind of dementia or age related decline but God forbid she gets tested for that. She always was a Slovenian New but it's gotten worse. Will she spend her own money to go and get her own shoes to wear or clothes? Forget about it, she says I have to buy them for her. Spend her own money on copays or on her medication? It's not happening. So it comes down to me because I'm afraid that Social Services will come down on me. But she always was greedy but it's gotten worse. Example, I needed to pick up my seizure medication along with my birth control, the moment I walked in the door, she snatched them out of my hands and said that they were for her. I was flabbergasted and grabbed them back and asked why did an 85 year old woman need birth control and she didn't have seizures so what was the deal? She said it was her house but in reality it's mine. I needed new shoes and as soon as they came in, she told me that everything that I buy and comes into the house belongs to her. It made me livid because this woman with her pension, Social Security, savings and investments has over $4,000 every month that she won't spend. The things she spends it on are her fake nails and getting her hair styled, so no, she isn't broke. How normal is this? What can I do?
First of all, why on earth would Social Services come down on you for not paying your GM's copays when she can very easily pay them herself? Who has you brainwashed about the role of SS in elder care? Get that fear totally out of your mind.
"She says I have to buy them for her." And you believe her? Because? Did she raise you? I'm wondering who installed these guilt buttons she is so adept at pushing.
You take a seizure medication. Are you on disability? If so and you are comfortable with your case worker, contact him or her for some ideas of what to do with GM.
If you have no case worker that you already know, call the Social Services department that you so inappropriately fear and explain that GM is living with you but that it isn't working out and you need a needs assessment for her. Because of her income level she may not qualify for any of their services, but they can help determine what she needs and give some advice for going about getting it.
And to answer your original question, no it is not normal for people to become greedy just because they are getting older. Often there is a tendency to be more self-centered or self-aware and more cautious about their own needs, as they feel more vulnerable. But saying everything that comes into the house belongs to her is over the top.
What are your reasons for suspecting she may have dementia? What symptoms make you suspicious? As NancyH says, appropriate approaches for persons who have dementia are different. For example "tough love" typically doesn't work with dementia, although it may be the best course of action in other cases.
Your house, your rules. Whether GM has dementia or not, she must not be allowed to exploit you financially, which is clearly what she is doing now.
She can "expect" anything she wants to. I can "expect" that my grandchildren will pool their money and send my on a two-month cruise around the world. Doesn't mean it will happen. :) She may have meltdowns every hour on the hour. That does not change your obligations in any way.
You were a good and caring grandchild to volunteer to help GM in the time of her self-made emergency. Emergency over. Fix your house, GM, or abandon it and find an apartment.
I would first find out the process for eviction in your area. Sometimes it can take a while and the sooner you start, the sooner it will be effective.
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