My elderly Dad has another uti. It zaps his strength completely. He can barely walk. We get help over night but during the day it's me. I am afraid of being alone with him now. Afraid of him falling and bringing on some injury that is going to be a monumental amount of work that I can't handle anymore. I've dealt with illness after illness, injury after injury, hours and hours in ERs, rehabs, etc. I'm burnt out, dread life and wish mine were just over most of the time. I see no future for myself beyond making sure someone who is already very very old keeps getting older. Meanwhile I can feel my life getting shorter and shorter. I have health problems now that I never had after almost a decade of caring for elderly parents.
I just need to vent here. I have heard all of the advice and suggestions and and namecalling here that I want to. I'm just sending this off into the void of what I know are mostly caring and compassionate people going through the same thing. It is almost a living hell and at the end of it is an unbelievable amount of grief when someone does pass away.
I have ptsd from the last decade of this. I hear walkers and rollators in my sleep. I wake up to the sound of people calling for help even when they're not. I have panic attacks, flashbacks and fear all the time now. And I know of no way to stop any of it except to just gut it out and white knuckle it to the end when nobody needs my help anymore.
I'm about ready to give up.
I try to remind myself that all things will & do end. “On a long enough timeline we’re already dead”.
Although I’m obviously burnt out beyond belief, there is no relief. I’m stuck being my father’s caregiver. No Assisted Living facility will accept him because he is Blind & requires diabetic medication management. He also has diet restrictions.
Board & Care group homes in my area run around $7k a month. They will only take him if I “look the other way” while they have non medically trained staff administer his meds - seriously shady stuff to say the least. Nursing or Skilled Nursing facilities are about $12k a month here in San Diego.
So I’m here in his condo sleeping on a couch 4 hrs a night if I’m lucky. I do all the diaper changes, catheter dumping, insulin injections, cook 3 meals a day, do his bathing, all the transportation, clean his home… on & on & on…
I hired a caregiver to come in 15hrs a week. During that time I do the shopping, run the errands, visit my home & dog, but it’s right back to work after just an hour or two.
My health is almost as bad as his now. I’ve already lost my job & career. I never married nor do I have children. My savings is being depleted to pay rent for a place I can’t live in, but can’t afford to loose.
I often wonder what I did in this life, or a past life to endure such suffering. It must have been something to deserve so much apathy & rejection.
You are far alone. Not that it helps knowing you got company.
I just reread your post from Oct. Have you been able to make any plans? Talk to siblings about how you can't continue to care for Dad?
If siblings are not willing to care for Dad then the only thing you can do is have him placed. If he has money, maybe an Assisted living. If not, then its a nice LTC with Medicaid footing the bill. Think of it this way, what would your siblings have done if you didn't do it or weren't here. I asked myself that too. It wasn't so much the caring for Mom as it was the boys not calling her more often, visiting more often. As the oldest and a girl, it had always been me. So, I felt no guilt in placing my Mom into a nice AL right up the street from me. I still had some responsibility, but I could get a good nights sleep.
Mom lived with us for many years so I hear you loud and clear.
Vent as much as you would like! Most people will understand.
Many will identify with your experiences.
I can relate to falls. The falling is terrifying for everyone.
My mom had Parkinson’s disease. She was tiny and frail. She lost so much of her strength and balance. She suffered with tremors and rigidity as her disease progressed.
I have many memories of ER trips and her other appointments.
I can tell you a crazy story regarding mom’s walker. I took mom to an appointment We finished up and I got her into the car and placed her walker into my trunk and closed the trunk.
Mom called me over to buckle her into her seat like I always did. I placed my cell phone that I was holding in my hand on top of the trunk of my car so I could fasten mom’s seatbelt.
As much as mom wanted to buckle up by herself, she couldn’t do it because her body wouldn’t cooperate with her mind due to her Parkinson’s disease.
I began driving home. The distraction from buckling up mom caused me to forget about my cell phone being on top of my trunk.
People were honking at me at the stop signs and red lights. I said to my mom, “Those drivers are crazy! I am not speeding or doing anything illegal so why are they honking at me?”
Finally a kind woman rolled down her window next to me at a red light and screamed that my cell phone was on top of my trunk! I thanked her, hopped out and quickly grabbed it. Mom and I started laughing that I was losing my mind.
We become so lost in caregiving that we lose ourselves.
We suffer with anxiety and depression. We lose our appetites and can’t eat. Many times I found myself too upset or too exhausted to eat. I survived on coffee and a bite of food here and there.
Caregiving can become overwhelming as a person’s needs progress. Consider looking at hiring help or look into placing dad in a facility so he can receive care and you can reclaim your life.
I wish you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
Grace means 'bring honour & credit to'.
Ann, how do you feel about that word 'honour'? Has this shaped you? Defined you? Is it choking you?
Please don't give up.
You are so important, so worthy to be here, to live your life, to be loved, to feel joy.
Hugs.
You need to take care of YOU. You can not handle this on your own. So give yourself the right to put yourself first.
Something has to give. You need to get your dad the help he needs and therefore get yourself some necessary respite.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am going through something similar. Although the people who answered are probably "right" and mean well doesn't mean you can just hop to and get it done. I know that full well. Everybody's situation is different. People have different relationships with their parents, some towns don't have as good of facilities as others, it's not that easy to find a decent place, Medicaid is really difficult to deal with and get through (I've been there and been successful but it's hard), our emotions come in to play, etc. etc.
So don't beat yourself up for doing what you are doing on top of the strain and damage it is causing for you. Be gentle with yourself. I do agree with the advice here, but it isn't that easy to get this done.
Some elders do not do well in facilities, some of these places are downright abusive and unsafe.
It's just not that black and white.
Also, the agencies that are supposed to help like Aging and Adult Care and the elder's physician are not necessarily going to be helpful at all. That's the experience I've had.
Sometimes there is home that needs to be sold first and on and on.
I wish people on this site would stop telling other what to do. do this, do that, like it's so damned easy and they have all the answer.
Do what you can, take care of yourself and yes, if you can look for another place for your dad to live. You might have to do it by yourself. I do think it's the right thing to do but I have had my mom with me for 6 years and have still not succeeded in getting her out of my house. I know how you feel. It's just awful and hard and depressing as hell and so bad for our health.
My entire family is mentally ill and I am physically ill and broke, no support system.
So yeah, it's not easy. And it's not just like "oh, just go put this person in a home" It's hard as hell to get these old parents out of our homes.
Again, I'm sorry for what you are going through. You can PM me if you want. I'm not sure that's an option on this site.
Love and hugs,
me
You can get your parent out of your home by putting him in your vehicle and driving him to the facility you've lined up beforehand. After explaining to him you simply cannot do this anymore, as one human being. Or you can have a loved one arrange to drive YOU to the MORGUE, God forbid.
In a perfect world, our parents would die in their sleep with no health issues while dancing cheek to cheek with their spouse the night before, in their own home, being a burden to nobody.
In reality, however, they wind up riddled with dementia and disease, hanging on for dear life to 100 while expecting 24/7 care from their senior citizen children who are dying trying to save THEM. And you, Annabelle, are in a similar boat to this OP while making excuses about how hard it is to move a parent out after SIX YEARS when you should be encouraging this woman to save HERSELF now. As you should be doing for yourself.
You wish people on an advice forum would stop handing out advice to a woman who's wanting to die from the stress she's dealing with, and I wish people like you would TAKE some of the good advice being given here instead of running on pure emotions instead of common sense. It's a lot easier to place a parent than it is to die yourself from stress and burn out and wind up having social services place your parent for you once you're gone. #TRUTH
Why are you doing this to yourself? Suffering PTSD and wanting to die? Why have you not placed your father in long term care by now? My parents did quite well for 7 years in AL and then Memory Care AL for my mother. Had they not had private funds to self pay, I'd have applied for Medicaid to fund their care FOR them. With no guilt and no regrets. My life mattered and matters too. "White knuckling" it to the end only leaves us at death's door, and what for??? That's the question to ask yourself.
Your life matters too. Not just the elder you're caring for. God gave us each a life that is to be cherished, treasured, and treated with care and dignity. One is not 'more' valuable than another, but all equally valuable. Why not start treating yours as the valuable life it truly IS?
Hold up the white flag of surrender now, and get dad placed in Skilled Nursing or managed care of some kind. Do it for yourself and for him, so that he's cared for 24/7 by a whole team of people. Be dad's advocate now while you take care of your bruised and battered SELF. You deserve to.
excellent sentence.
i love it.
:)
Caregiving is a long, difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. However, there are limits to what untrained members of the forum can provide for you.
If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please reach out to experts at the 24/7 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988.
Additionally, your local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) should be able to connect you with support and resources. Based on the location listed in your profile, the AAA for Northeastern Illinois is AgeGuide: https://ageguide.org/
I'm sure other caregivers will be along shortly to provide more words of encouragement and advice. Hang in there, and please take care of yourself!
I am walking away come spring. I'm in the homecare business now and will set her up with services or my do-nothing sibling will have to take her turn dealing with it because I am done. I will NEVER provide direct care to another elderly person as long as I live. The thought of it literally makes me sick.
You do not have to 'white knuckle it' to the end. You do not have to see it through until your father's death or your own.
Don't do that. Your life is worth more than that.
Put him in a managed care facility. You cannot care for him anymore and it's okay to not want to either. Placing him in facility care doesn't mean that you don't love and honor your parents. It means that you cannot provide the care needed anymore. This does not make you a failure at being a caregiver. It makes you a success to know when to say enough is enough.
I can't even tell you how many families over the last nearly 25 years that I've worked for who have kept an elder at home for a lot longer than was safe or right to. Happy marriages broken up because a husband or wife can't live one more day in the nursing home their home has become. I've seen children robbed of their childhood and adolescent years too because a needy elder moves in. Then their needs and demands become all consuming and everything and everyone gets neglected. Those kids lose their mom and she is replaced by a tired, short-tempered, burned out nurse who looks like mom. Most of the time dad has already split and lives elsewhere.
Please don't be a martyr to caregiving and don't think that all your years of caregiving and sacrificing guarantees that family will care for you the same. It doesn't.
Take back your life for yourself and place your father in facility care. Be his advocate now to make sure he gets proper care wherver he is placed.
But you can't sacrifice yourself on the altar of his care. He needs more than you can give. That's not wrong; that's just a fact. If you have serious health issues, ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life…wearing yourself down, becoming invisible, getting sicker. Or you could get Dad more skilled care and visit him as a cheerful, loving daughter, not this husk you describe.
"Honor your mother and your father" was not meant to mean sacrifice yourself for them. I'm sure he'd be horrified if he knew the depth of your loneliness and despair.
Safety is not just HIS safety but YOURS as well.
Look for Assisted Living or Memory Care whatever level of care suits his needs now.
Begin the process of getting him set up as a resident.
You are doing this for you as much as you are doing it for you.
Placing him in a facility that can care for his needs 24/7 is not a failure on your part but an admission that his care is more than 1 person can do safely.
What are dad's medical conditions and prognosis and age? More information would be helpful.