Not going to the funeral, is it disrespectful to not attend?

I was talking with a couple friends today about this post, which I also commented here. One asked why people cannot be just kind and loving during this time. I wish I had an answer. I see so many people no longer talk to the sibs, etc after caregiving.

Just this weekend, I found my aunt, my mom's last living sib, who I used to be in touch with for years, visiting her and my uncle with my mom the many times they were ill, passed away a week ago. It hurts to know that I never got to say goodbye, and even saw her while visiting my mom's friend who lived in the same place but did not try to speak with her. She took sides during all the crap that went on with my mom's fall etc. She said she would not take sides, but obviously she did as she was impressed with the rich family members money and his gossiping wife. I blame them for my being scorned. No one stood up to them in the family but me. I can at least say that I am not a follower, stood my ground and did do the most care, if not all, for my mom while they took part in only the fun stuff.

Then when she was no longer able to stay in her home, they came in took over, put mom in an asst. living and then eventually a hospice home that had several state violations before and after my mom died there. Doubtful they even know this as they never checked anything expecting these facilities to do it all, which we know don't. I would have because I cared. And besides taking things my mom promised to me, them knowing this, and cutting me out of the will.

Glad I went to funeral mass only, for my mom and for them to see that I had friends that supported and cared about me. My rich family member's Eulogy was enough to show what a self-center person they were. Was all about him!

To this day I will never understand these people but have no regrets for my own time spent with my mom. I think whatever you choose, it will be right for you when the time comes. Blessings.

Oh dear, the things we are all having to put up with! I too had been left out of everything by relatives who took narcissistic mother over (all the decades of care and help I'd given her - and indeed, some of them - were totally disregarded) and when someone (one of the old family friends they'd not succeeded in turning against me? can't remember now) informed me that she'd died, I did have a bit of a panic.

There was no way I could be in the same 'room' (church) as these relatives: I knew my very difficult (aka bonkers - as we say in the UK) sister who'd 'hijacked' mother & alienated me would manage somehow to make it all about herself, as she had with dad's funeral. Aahhh. What to do?

I reflected & came up with a way that enabled me to attend, and also avoid any aggro. OK this is not a solution that's available to all, perhaps, but I'll mention it anyway: I sing in the church choir. Actually I'd intro'd mother to this church (and, indeed, taken - driven [+ lunch after, etc etc] her there for years). Sister wanted to have it elsewhere but it was finally agreed (of course, without consultation with me - by then, I'd been thoroughly scapegoated) it'd be in 'my' church.

So I spoke to the choir organiser & vicar, & explained that the only way I could be present was if we had a choir for the funeral (which was obviously not being organised by me), then I could be there as part of that.

And that's what happened.

As predicted, 'mad' sis turned up in wheelchair - having apparently managed to throw herself down the stairs (subtext: alcohol certain to be involved here). But I was able to avoid any contact with her, & simply appear for the service & be with the choir. Which was all bad enough, but OK.

I'd also - similar to posting by someone else here - taken the precaution of getting a couple of very good friends to come to the service & to come to the local pub (bar + restaurant) with me afterwards. In fact other family members who I was glad to see (not you-know-who) also turned up there, so I was able to spend some pleasant time there with nephews and nieces, who live pretty far away (Scotland & Australia).

So all worked out OK.

The reading of the will - out of which I have apparently been cut - must have happened by now; no info on that, of course.

But I hear from a relative who's in contact with sis that the (family) house is now about to be sold. When my father was alive, it was decided (about 50 years ago) that any proceeds would be shared between my sister and I. But my mother went pretty peculiar, & indeed unpleasant, and I understand that I've been cut out of everything. It would have been helpful to have something, actually; it could have enabled me to set up at least a part of a different life somewhere - I am rather stuck with my very difficult (undiagnosed narcissistic Asperger's) husband, who does pay for the roof over our heads, but manages to keep me very short of cash & won't agree to divorce - & don't have enough just to leave.

So be it. I try to make the best of every day & turn negatives into positives when I can. Though my heart is broken.

Good luck to all of you & thank you so much for reading.

In the last 5 years, I have had two friends who did not attend their mothers' funerals... Friend 'A' had a mother in a nursing home, whose relatives-by-marriage took over all of her affairs and assets. My friend 'A' was left out of everything and had no say in anything at all. There were very bad, hostile feelings . These people didn't even tell her that her mother had died, she read about it in the newspaper obituaries!!! So, she arranged with the funeral home for a private viewing the day before the funeral. ..... Friend 'B' had one of those bad, narcissistic mothers, but took care of her for years. Both were estranged from all the family. Friend B's mother died with not a penny to her name, nor did my friend, and she was trying to get Medicaid or the county to pay for a cheap cremation at least. Friend B's family picked up the mother's body from the hospital morgue and made their own funeral arrangements (paying cash), out from under my friend's nose. Needless to say, she did not go to her mother's funeral service, but held her own, very nice, simple memorial at the board-and-care house her mother had lived. A pastor we knew and several friends and co-workers attended at a little informal picnic they had, a couple weeks later.

I think you should do whatever comforts you and gives you closure. Some people think funerals are mandatory for religious reasons. Those are quite often the same people who didn't help with the person's care while they were alive and usually only go to church at Eastertime.

My Mother's last request was that we not have a funeral for her so we did not have a formal ceremony. We dedicated a bench to her at her favorite park and met there one sunny afternoon. My Mom's pastor said a few words, those of us who wished to share, shared and that was that.

If you don't want to attend the funeral don't. At this stage of your life who cares what people think. If you know in your heart you loved your Mom while she was alive, then you certainly don't have to attend a funeral arranged by a bunch of hypocrites. Let them talk and snipe and whatever it is they need to do. It has nothing to do with you.

Agreed - it is not about winning. ATX has been and is showing day by day how much she cares for her mum. It isn't even questionable.

It's not about "winning".

This is the final show of love. The bullying may never stop. Will those who put you through this caregiving/partner be the winner? Will they even be there? Love according to the Bible love covers a multitude of sins. Yes, that is God's love but here is your last time to show that you cared for your mother.

My dad was donated to a university; no service (no one to attend anyway, he lived a long way away). Mom and I are having the same; it's on my drivers license. No service or notice in the paper; won't some people be surprised 2-3 years later?

One thing I might add, is to honor your mother in other ways. I left for Mexico after my mom's funeral and celebrated the Day of the Dead in a small indigenous village. I felt my mom's presence as she knew how I love Mexico and its customs. I also have celebrated with her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas and other times. I have some of her ashes so I set up an altar with flowers, candles photos etc. to honor her and keep her memory. It is my own personal way of doing and showing my love and how much I miss her. Funerals can be uncomfortable with family issues and I definitely had them with siblings who did very little.

My sister and I gave my mother who passed away last week a very simple "direct cremation" she didnt have any friends and those she had were scattered far and wide accross the world - there was no attendance by both of us but instead we had a great wake and raised our glasses to her memory - it really did lessen the grief - Its not dis respectful at all - its however you see fit to celebrate her life - my sincere condolences on your loss.
Micky C

My condolences on your loss. Please don’t feel obligated to cater to an out-dated concept of saying goodbye. After my elderly father's death last year we decided to hold a memorial service a few weeks later rather than a funeral. He wanted a cremation so close family met for a private burial of the ashes. The memorial served as a celebration of a long and varied life and gave us time to contact his many friends. We have a large family so this also gave them time to organize travel to attend. It was much less expensive than a traditional funeral which was a big consideration, and was less stressful for my elderly mother. My siblings chipped in for a pizza lunch, we had photos and momentos to share, and time to visit and share memories of Dad.

Going to a funeral or not is any one person's option.

I am so sorry for the loss you will be experiencing in the near future. Funerals like weddings have become outlandish as well as extremely expensive. You have been there for your Mother when it meant the most to her & you.
You are already grieving for your Mom (most caretakers do before their loved one dies). So, little by little, you are already saying your goodbye to her as you take care of her. Therefore, the funeral will be for the living to say goodbye and to honor her, which you are doing now. You can also go to the funeral home at a private time, one just for you, to have one final time with her if you so desire.
Remember, funerals are something we humans invented but are NOT necessary. Please don't let family or anyone else make you feel guilty if you decide not to attend the funeral service. You have been there for your Mom when it counted the most for her

Dear ATX,

I was in the same boat a year and a half ago when my mom passed. It was a Catholic funeral. My sibs never even told me about the funeral as we were estranged through some ugly happenings. I found out from her friends. I decided to make my presence and go only to the mass. Fortunately, I asked 5 friends to attend with me, and they all accepted. I was surrounded by their love and support. I would never have gone alone. I needed them and the anxiety meds my doctor gave me. I would like to have gone to the reception if things were different, but they weren't. The sibs turned both aunts families against me but her friends and neighbors knew that I was the caregiver. The sib showed up when her health declined, but did very little otherwise. I was with my mom until the end and I think she knew it. That I can feel good about.

I decided to go to the funeral, so I would have no regrets later. As a friend said, it is part of the closure. I know many who have not gone due to the same reasons of dysfunction and had no regrets. If you can find support somewhere then maybe you can decide. I wish you the best. You have done your work and your mother knows it. Bless you.

That's why I am only going to have a service at the cemetery. No funeral parlor. No lines of strangers telling me how sorry they are.

My dad was Jewish and as such had to be 'in the ground' within 24 hours. There would be no time for anything other than getting him to the cemetery. It was the easiest funeral ever! Some family came - most did not. I didn't care. I honored his wishes and my DH has given me permission to do the same for him when his time comes. It is an option for you if you're the one in charge of the funeral. More and more people are bypassing the Funeral Parlors.

ATXcaregiver: I'm sorry about your mother. Here's a philosophical question of mine (I've never seen it anywhere) that serves me very well in answering difficult dilemmas: In a week, a month, a year, five years from now, what could you regret?

When I ask myself this question, the right answer is immediately clear. Could you regret you had skipped the funeral, or could you regret you had attended the funeral? There's no guilt to whichever you answer as long as it's right for you.

You have my sympathy. I am in a similar position with similar relatives. As the main caregiver, do you have influence over what happens next? I live in a small Midwestern town where there is a trend toward skipping the traditional viewing, service and burial in favor of a memorial service some time in the future. Often these are private affairs. Perhaps this would be both more meaningful for you and easier emotionally.

If this is not an option, feel free to do what feels right for you when the day comes.

I have to face the same thing. I suspect that if I did not have a service, the trouble making siblings would go all out and have a big hurrah with full choir and three or four ministers, and then tell everyone who comes that nasty old me didn't REALLY care enough for parent to even show up! It's a no win situation - and the church has done nothing to help. No visit from anyone at the church except when they were told that I was mistreating parent and wanted to see for themselves. Dad said ' keep them out!'
I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Have had relatives pass away and just tried to stay the heck away from siblings, at the service, and leave as soon as possible. It's already weighing on me with anticipatory grief and depression and this just makes it worse. Do whatever makes you feel the best - if you have been her caregiver, that's the greatest love anyone could have shown. You deserve peace and quiet and to look after yourself for a change.

Your answers are all so helpful. I wish I had read them before my dads recent passing. I did not attend funeral and am ok with that decision. Ironically the troublemaking heart wrenching pain sibling didn’t even show up. I have one elderly friend left in the world. He reminded me I did the best by my dad. And I didn’t quit no matter how many siblings bullied me. He said I have no guilt and didn’t need to go to funeral. He’s right. Only thing that hurts still is the fact I couldn’t be there for my mother. I know in my heart all this pain is the doing of my troubled sibling. She will never take away what I did for my dad to the end. Or take away the joy he had in me making sure he had quality to his life, especially the last few months.  My siblings could be mentally ill, but I really don’t think so. I think worse, they are biologically just mean selfish people.  They will never succeed in stopping me from caring for my mother the same way in her end. Even if mother sides with them. One day they may feel the pain of their actions. But I doubt it. 

You are NOT required to have a funeral. When my brother passed he requested nothing be done, not even a newspaper notice. He was cremated and buried without fanfare. I have seen people who are never around when support and care is really needed BUT then show up to a funeral.

These days "tradition" is out the window.

My 93 year old aunt asked me what I was going to do when my mother (95) passes. I responded she would be cremated, nothing else. She asked about a memorial but I didn't understand why. There are only 4 siblings left (all elderly) and me. One is in Texas, the other 3 in Northern California. None of them are able to travel. Mom's in Tijuana, Mexico where I live.
Why would I bring her ashes up to Northern Cal just to say a few words? I'll be busy doing other things.

I don't feel bad that she won't have a service. She's suffered with dementia for 7 years and has outlived most everyone she knew.

I told her to pull out some old pictures of them both and remember the good times.

Please do what's best for YOU. My beliefs are your mom will be in Heaven and I'm sure she doesn't care if there is a funeral or not. She knows you love her.

Prayers for you during this trying time.

What would your mother want you to do?

Think it over and make the decision one you can live with.

Again, sorry your mother is so ill. Glad you are together!

Nothing can honor your mother more than the work you have done thus far. If people gossip that you did not attend the funeral, so what? You did what counts.

I’m sorry for the loss that’s coming your way. Others are very wise in saying you should do what you’re comfortable with and nothing more. Relatives can think whatever they want. My very loved mother’s funeral was so unpleasant for me, I’ve blocked a lot of it out, it included feuding brothers and a completely inept minister. Wish we all could have missed it! Your mother has been blessed to have you, and you to have her, and I wish you peace in the days ahead.

Wow....your post hit a nerve with me. After being the lone ranger, and doing the funeral arrangements, some of my family disparaged that my Mother's funeral was "too secular". It was in a church, presided by a minister, prayers said, scripture read, hymns sung.....but the fact that one song was "The Red River Valley" and a non religious poem was printed on the back of the program.....judgement came down on me.

If we were sitting having coffee....my advice to you would be....have a private viewing with your Mom before the funeral, sign the book, tell the funeral director to tell your holier than thou siblings you were there......Take yourself out to a nice lunch, go sit under a tree....go home and take a nap.

You are serving your Mother well now. Well done.

ATX - I didn't go to my father's funeral for the reasons you mention. I was not his caregiver -I lived at a distance - but I was there for him in every way I could be. and he knew it. I visited him not long before he died. He told mother he knew he was dying but he would not die before he had seen me again .She conveyed that to me. Si I went ti see him. Then, after he died, the family dysfunction escalated (my mother and my sister), and I knew I could not bear the abuse they would heap on me, as well as dealing with the loss of my father, who was my nurturing parent. So I didnt go. What did people think. Haven't a clue, but aunts and uncles and friends from my hometown knew my mother and the difficulties she caused. Whatever.

Do what is good for you. As others have said - You have been there for her all along and that is what is important. (((((((hugs))))))

Just want to say, I have noticed a lot of nontraditional funerals lately. Some just keep the whole thing as just family. With cremation the family usually has a memorial service at another time. With my MIL, she was buried in a National Cemetery with my FIL. Both had to be cremated to be buried there. She passed in Feb and we had her service in May near their anniversary. A close friend held a very nice outdoor luncheon.
Your Mom is 88. How many friends and family are left. You can do whatever you want that you r comfortable with.

JoAnn, that makes my blood boil and heart ache. My goodness, I'm glad you took the high road and honored your mother in such a thoughtful way. I suppose God will deal with that minister.

My Mom passed last Sept. I had been upset for a while with the Church that she had done so much for. The minister, of 19 yrs, never visited, called or sent a card. Either did his wife. The women she had worked closely with and known for years, no visits or calls. When Mom passed, I had the viewing an hour before the service and the service with a family friend preciding. I had the cemetery for immediate family and hand picked friends I invited and they came back to the luncheon. Other people I wanted at the luncheon I quietly invited as I saw them at the viewing. This cut out those I didn't feel I wanted there.

Why does out of town sister have authority to have the funeral? If you have the time and inclination, you could check with an attorney in your jurisdiction to see what law applies, but, I'd consider that she may not be able to just horn in. Not sure if it's worth the time and aggravation, but, if you want a private service without annoying persons in attendance, I'd check it out.

Also, you can have your own memorial service later on with people who supported you and her during her life.

I'm planning a combination wake/tribute to my LO in my home to last from noon-4:00 on first Saturday after her death with food, beverages, candles, photos, flowers, so we can celebrate her life and talk of all our memories. With no other family members or friends who contributed any time or interest in her at all since she got dementia, it seems fitting to me, as I expect just my parents, siblings and MC staff to attend.