Follow
Share

Good evening everyone. I am typing at 11:04 pm because I am too distraught to sleep. Last year my three siblings and I moved our mother from an independent living floor to the assisted living floor in the same apartment complex. I have PoA for Mom's financial and legal matters. My younger sister and I were co-agents on the original document, but I felt the requirement for two signatures on checks, legal documents, etc. was too cumbersome and younger sister did not want the responsibility anyway. So Mom's attorney created a new PoA document, now signed by Mom and properly notarized, which names me as primary agent with older sister as alternate agent. When Mom moved to her new apartment, I failed to change the address on her car registration and title. My younger sister is furious with me that I did not make the required changes in a timely manner. We live in a state that requires such changes be made within 30 days of the address change. Should I have notified DMV? Yes. Mom is no longer capable of making these changes and in fact she no longer drives. We have not changed the address on her license either. Tonight at 9:30 younger sister sent me a very long text message berating me for having neglected my duties as Mom's POA. I am so tired of having to deal with family dynamics in addition to caring for Mom. I have done a lot for Mom in the three and a half years she has lived in this western MA town. I have scheduled and transported her to appointments with doctors, dentists, orthopedic surgeons and accountants. This year Mom was unable to sign her tax returns so I had to fill out forms indicating that I was acting as her agent. Last year, in the space of two weeks, after Mom fell, I took her to her PCP, and then to hospital for X-rays, and then to pharmacy for medication. In that same time period I took Mom to ophthamologist because older sister was concerned about her vision. I am just tired. Younger sister has expressed her concern many times that I get addresses changed. I just wish she would spend an equal amount of time thanking me for what I have done for Mom. So. If any of my fellow caregivers can give me practical advice for how to resolve the registration/ license/title issue, I would be most grateful. And please give me suggestions on how to deal with family members during this difficult time when our mother is approaching the end of life.

Find Care & Housing
Sell the vehicle, for one thing. Block younger sis and refuse to have anything to do with her unless and until you see fit. You have way too much to do, and it isn’t always possible to deal with drama queens as we caregive others.

I’m sorry you have to deal with all this but actually you don’t have to. Figure out some boundaries and stick to them.

And don’t share details with the others. If sis hadn’t known about your failure to make the changes, she wouldn’t have had the ammunition to attack you. You’re POA and you shouldn’t be sharing details of mom’s business with anyone.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Fawnby
Report
Wheat85 May 15, 2024
Thank you Fawnby. It's funny you use the word "boundaries" because sister often accuses me of having no boundaries with Mom, that I spend way too much time with her. Did I mention that younger sister is on welfare and does not have a job? I do have a full-time job, and at this point I may just dismiss sister's text messages and phone calls. I appreciate your advice and suggestions.
(1)
Report
geez. people are going to pick at you for that? about DMV thing? DMV things are crazy in general and many people miss those deadlines.

If younger sis is going to call you out for DMV, you should take a strong stance on that. either 1) leave you alone for such minor things or 2) if younger sis thinks its a big deal, then let her take on lead POA and the full responsibility then

as is often said, the peanut gallery cant complain too much , lest they be promoted from the peanut gallery to the front line
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to strugglinson
Report
Wheat85 May 15, 2024
Thank you, strugglinson, for your prompt response. Younger sister has a history of nagging me about many minor things, to the point where I may no longer respond to her text messages or phone calls at all. I am trying to do the best I can with caring for Mom, and I cannot do a perfect job.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
Someone is *furious* because a change of address notification was late? Seems overblown.

Is sister actually mad about something else..?
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Beatty
Report
Wheat85 May 15, 2024
Thank you Beatty. Yes I agree it does seem overblown but this has been younger sister's MO for some time. She is a recovering alcoholic and may have schizoaffective disorder. When my siblings and I were considering hiring companions for Mom during the day, sister called me several times and insisted we remove Mom's checkbook, valuables, etc. from her apartment so the new aids couldn't steal anything. Okay, that was a valid concern, but older sister had already removed and sold, with Mom, all valuable pieces of jewelry. One day younger sister took out jewelry box and said she was going to take pictures and record every piece. She demanded to know if Mom's remaining jewelry was insured. I truthfully answered I had no idea. Sister stormed out of the apartment with the box, which she did later return. She picks up on these trivial matters and just worries me to death about them. Thanks again for your answer.
(0)
Report
See 3 more replies
Wheat, call the DMV, explain the situation and they can guide you on how to get this changed. Most people are really understanding that sometimes things get missed with everything involved in caregiving, especially since the old address is still a viable address for mom.

I live in a state that has the 30 day change requirements and you only get a fix-it ticket if you get "caught". So I would not be worried about consequences for this.

You are doing a great job for your mom, don't listen to anyone that isn't helping you or mom tell you otherwise, disconnecting from the nonsense is a great solution.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

Hmmmm. You're the one of the children who feels guilty about everything, even those things that aren't your fault; you're the "fixer" of the family"; you're the child that always wanted peace and was always concerned about who was mad at whom, even as a child. Am I correct here?

If I am, do you know HOW I know that? 1) I can tell by the way you titled your post "Not handling responsibilities well". And 2) I am describing myself; at least until I began being my mom's caregiver. Then for my own sanity, I had to change some very basic personality traits, like those I just described.

It seems to me that you ARE handling your responsibilities ***extremely*** well. Mom is safe and cared for. The important parts of her life - paying her bills, seeing her doctors, etc. are being handled. This nonsense with the DMV? That's just your sister trying to maintain a measure of control over things. Changing mom's address with the DMV was rightfully so very far down on your list of priorities that it never even got to your radar, and here comes sissy making, as Shakespear would have said "much ado about nothing". DMV doesn't care. The only people who might have had issue with it would have been the police if mom was driving and she got pulled over, but mom doesn't drive, so that point is moot. This is truly a case of "no harm, no foul". Don't fret for one minute over it.

Whether this is part and parcel of your sister's mental illness, or her feelings are hurt that she is no longer the POA - yes, I know she SAID she didn't want the responsibility, but clearly, she still wants the control - really doesn't matter one iota. She knows you well enough to know how to hurt you, and that means attacking your sense of responsibility.

You need to do 2 things, and I know that these are both easier said than done, and I know this from personal experience! You need to ignore her histrionics over what is really an extremely minor item, and - much more importantly - you need to realize that you are doing an amazing job taking care of mom and handling all aspects of her life now that she (mom) no longer can!

Make this your personal mantra: "Do your best. Leave the rest. Angels do no more". Don't let anyone add guilt and shame onto the already almost unbearably heavy burden called caregiving that you bear.

Good luck!
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to notgoodenough
Report

Keep the details of Mom's POA business to a minimum, so younger sister won't have much ammunition to poke you with. When she does, remind her that she did not want the responsibility in the first place.

Don't have any expectations of gratitude from her. You'll be much happier.

When she starts with the drama, use the "grey rock method", so she never gets a rise out of you.

Since you say this sister doesn't have a job, is there anything useful she could be doing, like accompanying mom to appointments, running errands, etc.?

I realize that might be more trouble than it's worth, but if every time younger sister bothers you with a complaint, you ignored her complaint and only responded by asking for a favor, perhaps that would either get her to actually help or at least train her not to bother you so much.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Dogwood63
Report

Tell Your younger sister to " F.. K OFF " It is funny that we caregivers get criticized while we are breaking Our asses taking care of someone while they sit back and berate us . grow some Balls and set up some Boundaries . Say to her " Mom has a Doctors appointment next week I want you to take her there I am Busy . " You have to toughen Up or you will Be walked all Over Like a door mat . no One has Any Right to interrupt your Life with Insults . In the end These People will mean Nothing to you when you get sick , have a nervous Breakdown or heart attack or Have to go to a chiropractor several times . Someone Pointed Out caregiving takes 4 years off your life . You start delegating responsibilities to these witches or you will be the One that gets burnt Out - this is ridiculous and Not sure why you would even take their criticism .
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to KNance72
Report

You are doing a good job.
All POAs can make these mistakes.
It is almost impossible to keep in your mind EVERYTHING that needs doing.
Now, as to your troubled and troubling sibling. There is absolutely nothing to be done about people of this ilk. They are put upon the earth to challenge our sanity. That you are still sane is a very good thing.

Good.
Now it is clear that nothing can be done to change an idiot.
So, next time (and every time) you get a diatribe such as this from Sis I suggest that you respond this way.
"Thank you for your thoughts; be assured I will give them long consideration".

If she comes back say "Still considering, Sis. Have a great day".
Keep contact minimal.
And how, by the way is sister getting this information.
Were changes of address for mail not made so that it comes to YOU?
How is she hearing these details?

It is best not to share too many details with Sis.
Now, carry on. You're doing a good job. This is not easy. You are not God and not perfect, and you never will be perfect.
Good luck Wheat
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Making mistakes just proves that you're doing something nearly all the time. The only people who don't make mistakes are people who do nothing. : )
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Tynagh
Report
NeedHelpWithMom May 15, 2024
Love this answer!

This is a practical response that speaks the truth, yet is compassionate and brilliant.

I love reading wise responses from posters who don’t come off as smug, ‘know it alls.’

Our entire life is trial and error, right? We aren’t handed an instruction booklet when we exit our mother’s womb.

We live and learn.
(3)
Report
Does your state DMV make ID cards . You can get Mom that instead of a license .
Sell the car.
Ignore deadbeat sister . Don’t give her info . Just say everything is taken care of .
You are the responsible one .
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

I would file this oversight under "nobody died, nobody went to jail". You are doing a fabulous job and handling your responsibilities incredibly well. Sis can pound sand. Sorry you have to deal with that on top of all your other responsibilities. Let her spin her wheels and fume over a minor issue. I'm sure a call or ten to the dmv (sorry couldn't resist that) will take care of this but it's low on the priority list.

Take care of yourself and try not to judge yourself. There are enough people out there who will do that you don't have to be one of them (speaking from experience... It took some counseling to get to a better place)
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to casole
Report

You have received wonderful advice from all of the posters. No need to repeat any of it.

I will only add that, no one knows exactly what you are going through unless they have walked in your shoes.

They certainly don’t have any right to judge you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report

If it makes you feel any better ………

My hubby was POA for his Dad .

6 months prior to hubby becoming POA, his Dad sold his condo and moved to independent living on his own . Address change number one .
It was quite apparent he and his wife didn’t belong in IL but were refusing AL . The wife died and my hubby rescued Dad from Florida to bring him back up north and place him in Assisted living .

He stayed with us until we found a place . Address change number 2 to get his mail . Along with new bank accounts nearby .

Then when he went to AL . Address change number 3.

2 months later he moved to a larger room in same AL building . Address change number 4.

Whelp 4 address changes in a span of 10 months ( 3 of them within 4 months and new bank accounts in a new state ) was a red flag and social security stopped depositing his monthly payment . They flagged it as possible stolen monies . They said families do it all the time to steal social security payments from their elders .

It was a fiasco to get his payments started up again .
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

If Mom is not driving the car, sell it. Where I live there are a lot of out of staters moving in. Few have even changed their registration to my state yet. A neighbor hit my daughters parked car. She gave a former address to the police. I told them she had lived at newer address for over a year. They did not care.

Her license, change the address when she gets an ID to replace the license. The only reason she needs a change of address for a license is if she is in an accident. Looks like Mass renews every two years for registration. If registration renewal is not far away, make the change then. You may be able to do both address changes on line.

Tell your sister to but out. You are POA and as such you are not responsible to her. You are not obliged or should you tell any of your siblings about Moms finances. Thats between u and Mom. And tell her instead of criticizingvam thank you would be nice.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Get rid of the car.
That resolves some of the issues.
If a letter cam to your mom with her old apartment address on it would she get the letter? I doubt notifying the DMV of the change is going to land you, mom or anyone else in the slammer. (I doubt if there would even be a fine)
The other party to notify of a change of address would be her insurance carrier.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report
waytomisery May 15, 2024
This is true . DMV most likely isn’t going to care if you tell them she doesn’t drive anymore .
Tell them she’s been ill and hasn’t been driving so it slipped your mind . DMV by me in the Northeast was very nice when we took my FIL for an ID card . He had an expired drivers license from Florida that he had been driving a year with during Covid down there before we brought him up by us .

When you move to my state , Our DMV requires you surrender a drivers license from another state and give it to them, they destroy them . They didht care it was expired nor did it have his last address in Florida on it .
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Thank you, thank you all for your answers. You have been so reassuring to me and I so appreciate this forum. It's so helpful to get advice from others who have dealt with these caregiving issues. You are wonderful and I hope in the future I will be able to give practical, wise and compassionate advice to those struggling with care for dear loved ones. Blessings to each person who answered my question.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Wheat85
Report
AlvaDeer May 15, 2024
Wheat, you can give answers right now. You are in the thick of it and learning more than you ever wanted to know. You can help others and you can at the least let others know they are not alone. When I first came to this forum I felt so very stupid and alone and was trying to do something I couldn't even imagine the depths of. I learned so much here and had so much support.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter