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Mother is 97 and lives alone. Very healthy for her age. She has no POA, doesn't tell me anything. Only other siblings is far away. I moved in with her briefly to help her, but she began verbally attacking me, screaming and accusing me of things. I don't know her medical diagnoses as I was never invited to accompany her to the doctor.


As soon as I was gone, she took me off her bank account and changed the locks!


She started falling; neighbors had to break the door down to get to her (I live almost 2 hours away). They told her in the ER she couldn't live alone anymore; she was sent to "rehab" in a NH; they DC'ed her to home and told me later she has dementia!


No plans in place for anything; if she didn't have great neighbors she could rely on, she never would've made it this long. She gets Meals on Wheels and other services, although I'm not sure what they all are. I'm out of the loop for the most part. She's always been paranoid, suspicious, and a control freak. Not sure what to do at this point except let it play out. As far as I'm aware, she is on no meds for agitation, depression, dementia, or anything although as I stated, I really am out of the loop medically.


We've never been close as she can be very nasty, although she plays the sweet little old lady with everyone else.


I don't know what's going to happen to her, as my spouse and I are moving out of the state in a few weeks.


She's still in charge of herself, recently took a van ride unaccompanied to a doctor's appt. 30 miles away. She uses a walker.


Not sure what to do, if anything.

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She hasn't been declared incompetent and has chosen not to trust anyone to be in charge of anything happens to her.

You can help a person who does not want help.

If the neighbors or hospital call you, tell them to call Adult Protective Services.

Eventually, she will fall again, be declared unable to live alone and force-placed.

Very sad, but it's HER choice.

Do NOT take her into your home or move into hers.
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Edit: you CANNOT help a person who doesn't want help.
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I am surprised she was released to home with a diagnoses of Dementia and no one in the home. Who picked her up, a neighbor? If so, you may want to inform her neighbors by picking her up, they are taking responsibility for her. Next time they should tell the hospital that there is no one to care for her in her home and they do not want the responsibility. That she has estranged herself from the one daughter who used to live nearby and other children live far away. It would be an unsafe discharge.

All you can do is if Mom winds up in a hospital/rehab let the State take over her care. Tell them you cannot care for her and she will not give u POA. The cost of Guardianship is out of the question.
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First of all, I feel sorry for the neighbors. It’s very kind of them to help, but if they help too much they’re being exploited.

I’m surprised you’re out of the loop. It’s up to you what you want to do, but if she has dementia (not strange at age 97), then she needs help.
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FallingWaters Aug 2023
I'm out of the loop because I've always been out of the loop and because she wants it that way. I'm not going to be abused. I moved into her home to take care of her, I didn't turn my back on her. 4 months of her nastiness was all I could stomach. Would you force yourself on someone who was screaming at you? As far as I know, she is kind to the neighbors, so if she is kind to them, she could be kind to me. As for needing help, she has had help her entire life and is now very entitled.
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You don’t really have much of a choice as to how you handle this situation.

Your mom hasn’t shared her life with you.

Even if you jumped through a million hoops and did back flips, I doubt that she would notice.

I am so sorry that you haven’t had a healthy mother/daughter relationship.

Do whatever you need to do for yourself and allow her to be the woman that she chooses to be.

Wishing you the peace that you deserve to have in your life. Take care.
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FallingWaters Aug 2023
Thank you.
After a few months had gone by (after she ran me off), I realized I needed to make some kind of peace because she is 97 years old and could pass at any time.
I wrote her a letter and she replied (she's able to write letters, so if she has dementia, it must be in the early stages?)
Now, we do phone calls.
I haven't abandoned my mother.
She seems happy enough. We chat about things we just don't discuss pertinent matters; I guess she wants it that way.
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There is nothing you can do. Although I would speak to her neighbors and ask them to keep you updated (not that it is their responsibility) or not get involved and wait for a disaster to happen.
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She must not be released to her home. She cannot live alone.

Your relationship with your mother is not a good one. it is your decision to make as to how involved you want to be in her care. If you plan to be involved don’t let guilt be your motivator.
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I’m sorry for your difficult relationship with your mother. Events will happen that will force change. It’s just no fun waiting it out and watching the decline. So glad you’re protecting yourself and you own health.
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Whatever you do don't move in with her again and dont move into her in with you. Let the chips fall where they may as they say.
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Do nothing, then when something important happens, take the opportunity to move her in a home.

My mother refused to go into AL, she lived in the mountains of NC, one had to be a Billy goat to get in and out of the home.

Finally, she had a slight stroke and was afraid to stay alone at night, she kept calling the EMT for her imaginary strokes, so finally they started charging her $600 per call. that ended that.

My brother scooped her up and moved her to Fl, I found an AL, well guess what? She loves it, new friends, activities, she doesn't have to do a thing! Says she wished she had done this10 years earlier...just shoot me!

Anyway, she was almost 94, she is now 98! Let it be, move forward.

Leave it be, something will happen! Yes, we have her POA, but we did not have to enforce it.
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