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I apologize in advance for the length of this post, but I want to be fair and thorough. I’ve been a caregiver most of my life, either for family or professionally. I moved to a new area and thought a live in caregiving situation would be a good option with the costs of rent skyrocketing and becoming frustrated with paying application fees and so forth.



I placed an ad and was responded to by a 72 year old Veteran with severe COPD, PTSD and anxiety. He has steel rods in his neck and back which cause him a great deal of pain. He told me his current caregiver was leaving him alone for days at a time and the house was in bad condition. I felt a lot of sympathy for this man and I also have a lot of respect for our veterans. We met and I noticed his cigarettes on the table. I immediately became concerned because 1. I am allergic and asthmatic, I quit smoking myself several years ago and 2. He uses oxygen. He insisted he would not smoke around us. I decided I could live with it if he made an effort. He said he could not pay me, sounding as though his finances would not allow for it. Once again, my heart got the better of me.



After moving in, I realized just how atrocious the conditions had become. The girl living here let things go to a degree there were insects, trash, dirty dishes everywhere. I worked very hard to get things clean. He is not incontinent but he can’t walk more than a few steps without gasping. He had a few accidents but nothing too major. He went outside to smoke often and things seemed like they were working out.



After about a month, his smoking increased. He wouldn’t go outside at all. He even refused to shower, saying he wasn’t up to it. (At this point, he hasn’t had an actual shower in 6 weeks.) He bought a car, and a motorcycle. I began to question his financial straits actually being a problem. I’ve seen him hand cash to his family, or his friends. There are women who come around only to “borrow” from him.



The smoking has become so bad that I hide in the opposite side of the house trying to avoid it, but of course it comes through the ventilation. I’ve had repeated colds, sore throats, coughing. When I say I’m having trouble breathing, he laughs. Even when I was a smoker, I never did so indoors or in the car so it’s infuriating to have to live like this. He isn’t concerned whatsoever with the effects this has on my health, he says if he wants things a certain way that’s how its going to be.



I am here practically 24/7 doing everything for this man for free, and now my health is going downhill because of it. I suppose what I want to know is, do I have any rights at all in this situation? I feel as though I willingly trapped myself here with no way out. I don’t know how I could work outside the home and do this as well in order to bring in some income so I could have some control over things. It’s very hard having compassion for him at this point, he’s literally ending his life each time he lights up. My clothes smell, I have a smokers cough for goodness sake! I haven’t needed an inhaler in years, now I do. I feel betrayed. I have made an appointment with a therapist because of what this is doing to me mentally.
This feels like a passive aggressive form of abuse. I sense he resents anyone who is healthy, for instance me mocks my diet which is clean eating. I’ve made a tremendous amount of effort to be healthy, not to smoke. Every time he smokes though, so do I. If he were paying me, which to my understanding after some research is illegal for him not to, then I could at least afford to have a life outside of here and feel less hopeless.

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Get a job and move out.

Did I read it right that you are not being paid for any of this? I really don’t understand that part.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 5, 2023
@Zippy

I don't understand that no-payment part either. I think the OP is leaving a lot of things out of this story out.
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Why on earth would you ever take a position without wages? The feeling sorry for someone only goes so far. In order for anyone here to try and help you, you're going have to be a little more truthful. No one agrees to be a live-in caregiver to a sick and needy person for free, and certainly not people like us who have experience in this line of work.

If this isn't your first rodeo, how about telling us what this guy offered for you to move in and assume responsibility for his care needs?

Instead of going to therapy, I would suggest you pack an bag and walk away right now as in today. If you're not getting paid then you have no legal or moral obligation to provide care of anything else to this person.

The next time he "mocks" you for something tell him to F-off and walk away. Then do absolutely nothing for him. Let him starve. Let him sit in a mess, or smoke himself to death. You're not getting paid so don't do any work.

You could talk it over with his family. Then need to intervene. No one works for free. So walk away and let them deal with him.
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Poohbear4 Dec 5, 2023
He offered me a place to live, which I needed. The shelters here are all full so it’s not so simple as you seem to think. The caregiver here prior to me wasn’t paid either. I have no reason to lie, but thank you for attacking me.
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Nowhere in your post do you ask us a question other than whether you have rights?
Certainly. You have the right to move. No sense quitting, because this isn't a job.

You moved into a filthy home with a smoker, and while you may be living rent free, there is little else to recommend your situation. The really good news is that you can as easily move out and get a job, and there is a huge need for caregivers in our society now.
I surely do wish you the best. I recommend not being led by the heart where your living quarters and livelihood are concerned, but rather by the head.

Again, good luck.
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Poohbear4 Dec 6, 2023
To clarify this for everyone, I was not a “homeless person”, I was struggling to find something I could afford and money was running out. I could have continued to search for another caregiver placement; I know as well as everyone else how badly it’s needed. I felt badly for this man, he was struggling and the face he presented to me then is not the same one I am dealing with now. It’s not like I took this on out of sheer desperation or because I had no choice. I could have continued to look for something else, at least for a while. This man conned me, so if nothing else I guess I’m a sucker. My heart is what got me here. I was not being deceptive about that.
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PoohBear, do you have a caregiving credential and a clean record?

Agencies, NHs and private payers are DESPERATE for caregivers right now.

Put an ad on Nextdoor in your area. Or use the links below:

Good luck.

https://jobs.agingcare.com/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAsburBhCIARIsAExmsu6278TAX_ZYTScig09Y8slvtQ_X_1ZzIEpaqo7-3eGfdzBNaPX-jbIaAoFUEALw_wcB

https://www.care.com/senior-care-jobs?_qs=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAsburBhCIARIsAExmsu5u3NeznVGjedQ1OxA8L9oSMRduaXfMhHmI24FAuTtBZhAjs4dD5BoaAgotEALw_wcB&mt=provider
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Poohbear4 Dec 5, 2023
Yes, I do. Thank you
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You are majoring in the minors. You seem too focused on the smoking thing when the bigger issues are his lying to you about his finances, his degrading hygiene (and probably cognitive abilities), and his overall taking advantage of and disrespecting you — and you allowing it. It will only get worse. Move out asap and if you can't do that soon enough find a way to stay out of the residence to minimize your exposure to him. Now you know why the other person left him.

Please consider contacting churches to see if anyone has a spare room for you to temporarily live in. I'm an elder in my church and we help people like you all the time. Please don't take gigs in exchange for only room & board... you also need a paycheck. I wish you success in rebuilding your life and defending your boundaries.
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Poohbear4 Dec 5, 2023
You’re right. Thank you
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Pooh, your first post wasn't exactly forthcoming about the fact that you were primarily looking for shelter. You said you sought a job, which usually includes remuneration.

I hope those links get you to a better place asap.
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Pooh, if you get mail there, you’re presumed to have tenancy. Kicking you out will be a longer process but for sure not painless.

I would instead put out ads today on indeed, Facebook, care.com stipulating that the rent will be paid for via minimum wage hours after which you’ll be compensated at the minimum. Where I live a room in a house costs 1500 and min wage is 20, which works out to 17.5 hours per week.
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Essentially you are trapped in a no win situation here. You have no money to get a new place and you don't have a job so being able to find a place to rent even if you had some money would be pretty much impossible.

Get on a waiting list at a women's shelter. Once a spot opens up take the spot. Then you will have a place to live and can look for a job. Once you have a job you will be in a position to save money towards renting a place. You may have to find a roommate situation to be able to afford a place to live (it's not ideal but yes rents are outrageous right now).

As for Mitch the person who is taking advantage of your situation, you owe him nothing. He is a user. Under no circumstances should you feel obligated to continue your self imposed servitude by continuing to care for this person.

Good luck. I really hope things work out for you.
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Poohbear4 Dec 5, 2023
Thank you
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You need to go to Social Services and ask for shelter. A hotel rm is better than nothing.
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Poohbear4 Dec 6, 2023
There’s nothing like that available in my area. No one is taking referrals.
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Poohbear,

I can see that you feel trapped and that you don’t want to end up homeless on the streets.

I see homeless people on the streets daily and I can certainly understand why you wouldn’t want to place yourself in that situation.

You took this job because you needed shelter. I get that. You now see that working for free wasn’t a good idea after all. It kept you off the streets, that’s about it.

This man doesn’t even have respect for himself, so I think that you are aware that he definitely won’t have any respect for you.

I appreciate our veterans too, but just because this man is a veteran doesn’t mean that he is a man of his word.

He lied to you. You blindly trusted him. I bet his former caregiver would give you an earful!

He saw you coming. He decided to take advantage of a vulnerable woman.

This situation was all about benefiting him. He didn’t consider your welfare. If he did, he would have offered to pay you for your services.

You agreed to this deal because you were desperate and he made certain promises. Those conditions weren’t upheld so you aren’t obliged to him in any way.

Get your ducks in a row and move out of his home as soon as possible.

Inquire about shelters again. Look for legitimate employment opportunities where you will receive a paycheck. Look for any job at this point in time.

I am all for therapy. Speak to a therapist if you feel like you need to. This veteran most likely needs therapy too, but that isn’t your concern right now. Your priority is to address your situation.

Try contacting some faith based groups, even if you don’t attend church. There are churches in my area that will pay for a person to stay in a hotel for a brief period of time if they don’t have any place to go.

Transitional times are always the most difficult. You’ll get through this and learn important lessons from this experience.

I wish you well. Take care.
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Poohbear4 Dec 5, 2023
You’re given me a much better perspective. Thank you
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OP, you were conned by this very unpleasant man, who is proving to be even worse than financially exploitative. However you were possibly homeless and desperate to fall for a non-paying ‘job’.

1) Stop thinking of yourself as a conscientious employee. Think of this as a stepping stone to something better, and make it useful to you in the short term.
2) You know from the state of the house when you arrived that he doesn’t care about cleanliness. So stop bothering about it. Who cares if he showers? He doesn’t! A clear path to the toilet is probably all that matters to him.
3) Use food as a motivator. He gets fed outside? If he hasn’t smoked inside for x hours? If he gives you a lift downtown to buy food and do your own jobs?
4) Stop the 24/7 jobs, whatever they are. Do the minimum that will mean he doesn’t try to throw you out before you have a better plan. Use the time you save to research where you will go next.
5) Think about being absent for part of the day, and filling it with a 3 hour care job that will give you some savings for your next launch. Would it be possible? Start noticing who is living in the houses within walking distance, and whether they might need a carer or a cleaner. Even one morning a week will give you some cash in the pocket and a different 'life' to think about.

Good luck for the next step!
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Poohbear4 Dec 5, 2023
I am taking those steps right now, thank you! I guess I’m a bit blind to my own reality from the stress of it all and yes, I was about to become homeless. I’m beginning to see how despicable it is to take advantage of that.
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IF he is a Veteran the VA has many ways to provide caregivers and pay caregivers.
And IF he is a Veteran and he has "Service Connected Disabilities" I am sure he is being compensated.

Tender your resignation.
Tell him your last day is December 8, 2023.
Gather your belongings and leave.
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@Poohbear,

I've read each response and I see no one atacking you or being hateful. I do see a number of savvy people providing you with solid options.

Clearly, this situation has you at the end of your rope; it's written in your responses that you're not coping at all well. This may be due to any number offactors, but you need to exit this situation for your own sake and as soon as possible.
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You have your solution from others' responses to you. It is easy for us not involved to see clearly that this was a manipulative, bait-and-switch. The previous caregiver's "abandonment" takes on different meaning for you now. You need to line up support for yourself, and get out ASAP!
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Here are some ideas If the Woman shelters are Full . You could be honest and say " My Health is in Jeopardy from the smoking and I truly Need a break . Could you Please give me a stipend for $ 1000 so I Can Move forward in Life and find another Job . If you truly want My services I need to be Paid a salary of $2000 a week and No smoking except for Outside . " Negotiate . I have a feeling he has Plenty of Money . Money is Not the Issue . In the meantime Look at Couch surfing , Nesterly.com - That is rent in exchange for chores, errands, caretaking , Place a ad on Care. com , Find a Youth Hostel that needs someone to be a part time worker In exchange for a bed . Facebook also has Host a sister which Helps woman being abused and gives them shelter . This is abuse Obviously the guy has No boundaries . He May take you up on your Offer for a salary . You have to find the courage to go forward which is not easy in these days but Negotiate your worth and value .
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Poohbear4 Dec 6, 2023
I appreciate all these ideas and advice so much, I actually received an excellent job offer a few minutes ago so I am planning my escape. Thank you
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