My father is 81 and has lived with me and my family for about a year now. He had a hiatal hernia for many years and it finally got the best of him, and he had major surgery early in October to correct it. The good news is he did much better than expected and is out of the hospital in a rehab facility. We expect him to be able to come home within a month or so.
For most of his adult life, he has been a widower and lived on his own. His social skills are not the best. He expects everyone to wait on him hand and foot. He is very controlling and expects everything to be done his way. He thrives on pity. Since he has been in the nursing facility, it has gotten 100 times worse.
He is still on a small feeding tube which he complains about incessantly, but the doctor says it can't come out until he starts eating half his meals. He doesn't like any of the food he is brought (even though he has picked it from the menu) and hardly eats. The TV in the room is too small. The nurses are mean (they aren't) and "no one come to see me or calls me" (at least two relatives visit per day, and he gets 2-3 phone calls per day but won't answer his phone). He can get up and down and walk around but he refuses to do so unless required to. You get the picture. He has been on an anti-depressant for about the last year. I haven't seen much improvement. I bring him newspapers, magazines, and have lent him an iPad (full of his favorite movies and TV shows) but it doesn't seem to help much.
My relatives are getting weary of making great efforts to see him every day. I am his only child and am getting tired of putting my own family on the back burner every day, but I am doing my best to balance my time. Does anyone have any similar situations or tips to offer?
Dad's attitude and depression are nothing new, but has gotten worse in rehab. He is typically a very kind, considerate person. He has some irritating habits that he has inherited from a long line of dependent men. We deal with it at home as best we can. Dementia runs in the family but he has not shown any signs of it at this time (he's been tested).
We own a house together and financially, it's not in the cards for him to go to AL. So he's with me as long as he can be.
I tell my 96 yr old husband this whenever his mental faculties can handle it. I have to keep him ambulatory or we will have major problems.
So if he just wants a soda, I tell him, "you know where they are, on the door. go get one." And he does. BUT, on his bad days, I will fetch for him.
When he wants sympathy, I just tell him that I'm all out - maybe he should call someone for sympathy. He just laughs most of the time. And, it gives him something to talk about if anyone calls him. Linda doesn't give me any sympathy :( - and then he laughs about it again.
All this caregiving made me realize that it isn't easy being a parent either. None of us comes with an instruction manual.
As for the passive-aggressive pee-in-the-vase routine: Is that something you would tolerate from your husband or children?
Why does enabling Dad’s vile disposition take priority over you/hubby/kids having peace and harmony (and privacy) in your own home?
Since Dad is “doing so great” in rehab — foul attitude notwithstanding — I recommend that you spend the next 2-3 weeks scrambling to find him a low-cost senior citizen’s apartment. If you are lucky enough to nab one for him, move his furniture & belongings there....and he can discharge from rehab directly to his own place. If he’s on a waiting list, he can discharge to your home — then immediately move him when an apartment opens up for him.
Dad can drive and manage his own finances. And he has an occasional age-appropriate health glitch. There is no reason he cannot live on his own. Perhaps with some outside support.
Or if AL is more suitable, go that route.
OR if Dad keeps playing games with food to keep himself dependent on the feeding tube that he claims to hate so much, maybe he needs to go from rehab to a temporary stint in skilled care. Before he goes to live.....wherever you don’t live.
The bottom line is: Dad can be miserable anywhere. So let him be miserable someplace where he is not polluting (literally and figuratively) your family life.
Personality-disordered parents sure know how to groom us, don’t they???
This goes way beyond “oh Dad’s always been difficult and quirky.” Save yourself. And save your marriage and your children’s respect.
Good luck. It’s hard to stand up to a bully. But it’s worth it.
This type of behavior (lying about nurses being "mean" to him, refusing his food, etc.) has been amplified in the rehab center. Should I just ignore it and press on or just set a boundary with him?
He may demand to be waited on, but, you can kindly explain that it will no longer work that way.
Also, it's challenging to live with someone who has mental health issues. I've done that too. It's frustrating. If you feel that he needs to return to the home, I'd consult with a counselor to learn some tools on how to negotiate some things and set proper boundaries on others. I suppose that I'm too blunt, because, I just say what I think up front. I'd likely say, dad, you'll be doing the things that you can do for yourself from now on. It's for your own good. You need to do it, to stay on top of things.
I have discussed with the OT/Rehab planners about his needs when he gets home. It will be at least 2-3 more weeks, but we will do a reassessment next week.
I'm going to talk to the doctor today and will see if they can't adjust his meds somehow.
Sometimes meds for depression need to be changed or adjusted. I'd discuss it with his doctor.
Why are you planning to bring him to your home, when you know what is going to happen? I might have him assessed to see what level of care he will need when he leaves rehab. It seems there are more options than moving in with you. Unless, that's what you want. It's admirable.