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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Since Madeaa already said money, my answer is the seesaw from his resenting reminders, "there's nothing wrong with his brain," to his suddenly needing me to drop everything because he can't cope.
Money. Having gone through our life insurance policies, our savings, all of his retirement fund, and most of mine, now as a widow I'm trying to figure out how to keep from losing my mortgaged house. I'm looking for work. Lack of money is a stress, for sure.
I hate money, things, possessions, they just tie you down. The reality of it all is that we need money to live, I have been living on my retirement savings and now I will use what is left for her care. What happens will happen, I just choose to believe that a way will be provided for me, it is trust that a power greater than myself will provide. Am I crazy, perhaps, but I have been provided for somehow and some way.
Money, no retirement funds.... but like Madeaa said, somehow I have always landed on my feet. God's Grace I guess. I've done nothing in particular to deserve it.... but I am grateful.
Money, that my life is slipping away and I'll never be able to live a "normal" retirement because I have up my job 5 years ago to care for my mother and she doesn't even care. Ugh.
There is no one thing I am most stressed about. I am stressed about my elder mother, my sick pets, and my shrinking retirement savings. I am stressed about my lack of attention to myself. I am stressed about having no good clothes to wear, with my shrinking retirement savings keeping me from buying more. Guess you could say the one thing that I am most stressed about is everything. I am glad that the new Affordable Care Act may make one thing less stressful for me -- keeping up my health insurance. I am self employed and at my age, it has been a drain to pay it each month. No matter how bad things look, there is always hope on the horizon.
Having to decide my mothers living options when she cannot live independently anymore. She refuses to discuss the options except to tell me no nursing home or assisted living. I am not an option, even though she wants me to be. That will leave her with only homecare which will eventually deplete her assets and then it would be a NH or a family member willing to take her, which I doubt. Hope she passes before I would have to make those decisions since I am her DPOA.
Okay so we want to get to the nitty gritty... First things first, Jessie do NOT tolerate attention to yourself, made SURE you have good clothes on your back and good shoes to walk in. Forget about the "affordable act" sounds so nice, but politics don't even in, another Nanny state that does nothing for you. I live in Ireland, and there are more people on the "dole" as they say. It is wonderful for a politician with millions of dollars to spew bs. They are fine are you? No. I am grateful to have a roof over my head, bills for sure, but it becomes truly a mind bender when you have to pay over 2000 dollars a week to care for someone. My pets have been the most life affirming thing in my life, it is called "unconditional" love. They have loved me for better or worse, and without nothing more than a hug. My mother has been hateful and vindictive and I still provide for her care. I would say that my point is this, You need to take care of yourself, get sleep, eat well, and make sure you wear your party pants now. We do not know what tomorrow brings, but if you continue to wear sack cloth and ashes you will be assured of pain and suffering. Take your power back, stop catastrophying and stop with the guilt distortions. You did not cause it, nor can you change it, it is now the time to put your energy into yourself.
where do I start, husband 82 ALZ has one daughter, an RN 20 minutes from us, my DR told me I needed a break, or I would break, I invited step daughter & husband out to dinner with us and asked her if she could arrange her schedule and keep dad 1 week, after hemming & hawing, she agreed, told me go ahead book your flight we can do it! I went home, called my daughter on the west coast that I would be there for her 50th birthday, by nightfall I started getting emails from his daughter & son In law, basically saying, it is not going to happen they will not watch him, I have been stressed ever since, can't shake it, their last email said, it ain't happening! forget it, he's not coming here. she only sees him 3 times a year I guess I should have waited a day!
Stressed about feeling resentment towards my 78 yr old Mother who I feel got herself into many of her health problems (obese, diabetic, mobility issues) and now I'm "expected" by society as a whole to take care of her when I at 48 just want to live my life like she did in her 40's and 50's & 60's.
So stressed by the resentment I feel, and the guilt I feel for feeling resentful which makes me more resentful and more guilty, and so on, and so on.
"I can't wait to get to your house and change the curtains and the bedding and move all my furniture in." stresses me out. That is not going to happen. My house is already full of furniture, has curtains that I like, and is decorated the way I like. Nope. Not going to happen. Boundaries. We have boundaries here.
I would love to help you hang those curtains up in your own place at the assisted living place though. It will add the perfect homey touch there.
That my MIL's health will deteriorate to the point that she can no longer live on her own but will refuse to go into a NH. Then there's the financial side of things.
My mum and when is she going to forget who i am? I think money affects most of us here and like another post said I too have left it all up to the angels to help me i have small wins almost every week enough to get me by until next week am just waiting for the money to come and help us! Yep maybe im crazy too!!
I stress about my mom.....she's 75.....but acts like she's 95....,who lives with me and she does nothing, absolutely nothing all day, I want to move her to assisted living......she is financially able.....where she can do "nothing" there all day and I can get my life back....like she had when she was my age.....I'm only 46! Mom sleeps on average 10-12 hours a day and watches TV 10-12 hours a day....to me that is maddening! I tried taking her to the senior center, she refused to get out of the car! She won't even go outside on our deck.....she is inside watching TV all the time.....she does this because she has "done it all" in her lifetime which is far from the truth! No one I know has "done it all"......but don't try to tell her otherwise.......and oh yes......the holidays are coming....of course....according to mom......"it's just another day"..........whatever.......
Please, no one give me advice on this. I know I'm in a bad place, but this is the first chance I have been able to voice it and will deal with it when I have the chance -- after my Mother dies. I just don't have the time now. I thank whomever put the question out there.
What am I stress about? I am fortunate in that at this point I am not stressed about money. My caregiving originally was merely moving back to this stupid small town where I know no one except family, helping out, driving or groceries and to medical stuff. Then it progressed a year or so ago to writing checks and bills, helping with meals, reminder signs around the house and phone calls worked for instructions. However, in the past say 4 months or so -- I've lost track -- it has deteriorated to the point, that if something must be done, meds, meals, baths, her animals fed, whatever, someone -- usually me -- has to be over there. I can tell her something some days and in 10 minutes Mother will forget it. Other days, maybe the short term memory is like 20 minutes.
I apologize for being like this because some of you have been dealing with this so much longer than I have and that makes me feel weak.
I am fortunate, that at this point, there are no money worries. My only worry is what is happening with me. I have, as I've posted before, hired someone 3 days a week for lunch and my brother gives me Sundays off. But it is like running two household -- I live across the street and do everything to keep up the household -- but have not actually moved in with Mother so she has the feeling she is still living independently, which is important to her. I also make sure to get a break about every two months or so, out of town. But, in trying to put weight on Mother because she fell to 95 -- she claimed and truly thought she ate and hadn't -- and raise her hemoglobin level which fell to 9.2, I realized my own weight fell to 109 and I'm 5'4".
However, the main thing that worries me is, every night, after I get Mother to bed, at 9:00, I start drinking. I know it's not good. But it is the only way I can sleep. Otherwise, my brain never turns off for me to sleep. I lay there thinking of all kinds of things. What I should be doing for Mother? What did I do right? What did I do wrong? What can I do better? How can I help her?
I have to get some sleep or else I can't get up in the a.m. and get her going.
I have always been very successful and a problem solver. I have always accomplished whatever I set out to do. I retired at age 51. But this, I can't solve and it is driving me crazy.
I will fall asleep at about 1:30 or 2:00, but only with the help of alcohol, and I will wake up in the morning always with the alarm to go over and start to get Mother out of bed. That will take about an hour. But nothing interferes with what I have to do for Mother. She wants to die in her own home, the home she has lived in for over 59 years and that is my goal.
I know I am hurting myself. But right now I do not know how to deal with it.
But if I don't drink, well, then I don't sleep and I am stell awake at 6:00 - 6:30 in the morning.
I figure, once Mother dies, I'll go in rehab. But now, I just don't know what to do.
Sorry forgot, BTW, I got Mother's weight up to 101 and her hemoglobin up to 11.6. So, she doesn't need a transfusion. I truly believe that if she had to go to the hospital for a transfusion, she wouldn't come out. I give her, her right to die, but my purpose is to help her die in her own home.
RebeccaJ I hear you, just stop for a moment. Take a deep breath and take your life back. You don't need advice you need you back, you can take yourself back. Let mom go, she is killing you. Thank you for your heartfelt truth, go to bed, go through the withdrawal, take care of yourself and you will get better. Put a plug in the jug and get better. It will take you a good seven days
Rebecca what if your mother lives five more years, what happens if you continue on as you are? Please consider. I put those questions to myself as well - my current ways of coping are destructive to me also. Are we not worth saving?
RebeccaJ - Do what you have to, but I find that Ativan works better than alcohol. It's targeted toward the stress and anxiety. I assume you're talking about one or two drinks a night.
Madeaa and Bermuda, I understand and appreciate you comments and concerns, but right now this is the only way I know to cope. My Mother is 92 and while I know it is possible, I really doubt she'll live 5 years, if another year. I've gotten my own weight back up. I take my breaks, etc., I get help.
I just can't seem to turn off my brain to get the sleep I need. I can be dog tired physically and yet not fall asleep. I've tried Melatonin, 3 different prescription sleep medications -- nothing worked. In fact, the prescription sleep meds worried me more than the booze. But right now the booze works to turn off the brain to sleep. Without sleep I just can't help Mother to die in her own home. She is not killing me. There is no booze during to the day -- only from 9 pm to midnight about. Otherwise I am fine and doing what needs to be done during the day. Thanks, I know you're right, which is why I said I know I was in a bad place, but right now it is the only way I can do what I need to do. I'll deal with the consequences later.
I'm like JessieBelle, not just one thing stressed out about. The biggest thing right now is the stress of will I be alone on the holidays. It is so painful to sit home alone with dh on the holidays. Alone. The next thing is money.
@ Rebecca, you are very much in denial. The biggest risk for caregivers is that they are dying at a faster rate than the person they are caring for. You are killing yourself slowly, inside, sip by sip. I encourage you to get home care, respite services so you can find a life. Exercise during the day will help you sleep.
I have no retirement egg to speak of and applying for Medicaid for my mother who wouldn't be bed ridden had she done therapy like she was supposed to after falling and breaking her pelvis. She's always been and always will be the largest stressor in my life.
My Dad is dying. This has been going on for a week now. I woke this morning, and he was ashen white. I called hospice and described his very shallow breathing, and the lady told me the end was near. I texted all my siblings to come after work. After i sound the alarm, somehow my Dad gets up and gets dressed like nothing is wrong. This has been a long process, and I have worked through my grief. What is stressing me is how to handle telling the other 6. I feel like the boy who cried wolf. My one sister thinks I am crazy. The youngest has miracle cures. lol I feel like I am in the twilight zone.
Caregivercenter, in an extremely limited way I appreciate your comments. However, you are being so judgmental and truly offering no advice.
I originally said I wanted no advice and I knew I was in a bad place, so you gave me advice any way but no really new information. If you had truly read anything on me, you'd know I have respite care, I have breaks and I have a life -- I get out of town to go a way for at least a week at a time. My problem is turning off my brain/worry/guilt in the present tense to get some sleep. Do you really understand that?
I have never been so damn sorry I posted anything in my life. I thought part of the thing is that we can post things here, vent and there is no judgment. Do, I have some problems, yes, as I've said.
Exercise, when I can, because I hire a person to come in 3 days a week I get to Planet Fitness 3 times a week for about 1 1/4 to 1/1/2 hrs per time. So, do not tell me exercise will help me. -- it does not!
I appreciate all the supposed concern some have given, but not really every thing works for every body. Hell if it did would we even need this forum?
Do you really thing I've reached this age and position in life and not know what's going on?
The only one who offered me any real help or advice is Jinx4740, who recommended Ativan. Which I went to my doc and got and used last evening with out any alcohol whatsoever and it was great.
What amazes me is at the beginning of my post I asked for no advice. If I were on the opposite side of that post I, as an adult, knowing that it was another adult that posted that, would have respected the post.
I doubt I will ever post another damn thing again. But to Jinx 4740, I thank you for the advice on the Ativan, it has helped.
To all the others who have told me the dangers of alcohol. Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't know? Actually what' more damaging to me right now is I have started smoking again and I had cardiac stent put in this past Jan. You know the stent was probably totally from smoking, not from alcohol.
I am doing what I need to do to help my Mother. And I will do it in any manner I need to accomplish it. If I need to drink to get to sleep, so be it.
Am I an alcoholic? I don't know. But I do know there are thousands of functioning alcoholics in the world. If it does not interfere with my taking care of my mother, F everything else!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Money. Having gone through our life insurance policies, our savings, all of his retirement fund, and most of mine, now as a widow I'm trying to figure out how to keep from losing my mortgaged house. I'm looking for work. Lack of money is a stress, for sure.
I am grateful to have a roof over my head, bills for sure, but it becomes truly a mind bender when you have to pay over 2000 dollars a week to care for someone. My pets have been the most life affirming thing in my life, it is called "unconditional" love. They have loved me for better or worse, and without nothing more than a hug. My mother has been hateful and vindictive and I still provide for her care. I would say that my point is this, You need to take care of yourself, get sleep, eat well, and make sure you wear your party pants now. We do not know what tomorrow brings, but if you continue to wear sack cloth and ashes you will be assured of pain and suffering.
Take your power back, stop catastrophying and stop with the guilt distortions. You did not cause it, nor can you change it, it is now the time to put your energy into yourself.
So stressed by the resentment I feel, and the guilt I feel for feeling resentful which makes me more resentful and more guilty, and so on, and so on.
I would love to help you hang those curtains up in your own place at the assisted living place though. It will add the perfect homey touch there.
What am I stress about? I am fortunate in that at this point I am not stressed about money. My caregiving originally was merely moving back to this stupid small town where I know no one except family, helping out, driving or groceries and to medical stuff. Then it progressed a year or so ago to writing checks and bills, helping with meals, reminder signs around the house and phone calls worked for instructions. However, in the past say 4 months or so -- I've lost track -- it has deteriorated to the point, that if something must be done, meds, meals, baths, her animals fed, whatever, someone -- usually me -- has to be over there. I can tell her something some days and in 10 minutes Mother will forget it. Other days, maybe the short term memory is like 20 minutes.
I apologize for being like this because some of you have been dealing with this so much longer than I have and that makes me feel weak.
I am fortunate, that at this point, there are no money worries. My only worry is what is happening with me. I have, as I've posted before, hired someone 3 days a week for lunch and my brother gives me Sundays off. But it is like running two household -- I live across the street and do everything to keep up the household -- but have not actually moved in with Mother so she has the feeling she is still living independently, which is important to her. I also make sure to get a break about every two months or so, out of town. But, in trying to put weight on Mother because she fell to 95 -- she claimed and truly thought she ate and hadn't -- and raise her hemoglobin level which fell to 9.2, I realized my own weight fell to 109 and I'm 5'4".
However, the main thing that worries me is, every night, after I get Mother to bed, at 9:00, I start drinking. I know it's not good. But it is the only way I can sleep. Otherwise, my brain never turns off for me to sleep. I lay there thinking of all kinds of things. What I should be doing for Mother? What did I do right? What did I do wrong? What can I do better? How can I help her?
I have to get some sleep or else I can't get up in the a.m. and get her going.
I have always been very successful and a problem solver. I have always accomplished whatever I set out to do. I retired at age 51. But this, I can't solve and it is driving me crazy.
I will fall asleep at about 1:30 or 2:00, but only with the help of alcohol, and I will wake up in the morning always with the alarm to go over and start to get Mother out of bed. That will take about an hour. But nothing interferes with what I have to do for Mother. She wants to die in her own home, the home she has lived in for over 59 years and that is my goal.
I know I am hurting myself. But right now I do not know how to deal with it.
But if I don't drink, well, then I don't sleep and I am stell awake at 6:00 - 6:30 in the morning.
I figure, once Mother dies, I'll go in rehab. But now, I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for letting me vent.
You're right, you do need your sleep. Hugs.
I just can't seem to turn off my brain to get the sleep I need. I can be dog tired physically and yet not fall asleep. I've tried Melatonin, 3 different prescription sleep medications -- nothing worked. In fact, the prescription sleep meds worried me more than the booze. But right now the booze works to turn off the brain to sleep. Without sleep I just can't help Mother to die in her own home. She is not killing me. There is no booze during to the day -- only from 9 pm to midnight about. Otherwise I am fine and doing what needs to be done during the day. Thanks, I know you're right, which is why I said I know I was in a bad place, but right now it is the only way I can do what I need to do. I'll deal with the consequences later.
I originally said I wanted no advice and I knew I was in a bad place, so you gave me advice any way but no really new information. If you had truly read anything on me, you'd know I have respite care, I have breaks and I have a life -- I get out of town to go a way for at least a week at a time. My problem is turning off my brain/worry/guilt in the present tense to get some sleep. Do you really understand that?
I have never been so damn sorry I posted anything in my life. I thought part of the thing is that we can post things here, vent and there is no judgment. Do, I have some problems, yes, as I've said.
Exercise, when I can, because I hire a person to come in 3 days a week I get to Planet Fitness 3 times a week for about 1 1/4 to 1/1/2 hrs per time. So, do not tell me exercise will help me. -- it does not!
I appreciate all the supposed concern some have given, but not really every thing works for every body. Hell if it did would we even need this forum?
Do you really thing I've reached this age and position in life and not know what's going on?
The only one who offered me any real help or advice is Jinx4740, who recommended Ativan. Which I went to my doc and got and used last evening with out any alcohol whatsoever and it was great.
What amazes me is at the beginning of my post I asked for no advice. If I were on the opposite side of that post I, as an adult, knowing that it was another adult that posted that, would have respected the post.
I doubt I will ever post another damn thing again. But to Jinx 4740, I thank you for the advice on the Ativan, it has helped.
To all the others who have told me the dangers of alcohol. Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't know? Actually what' more damaging to me right now is I have started smoking again and I had cardiac stent put in this past Jan. You know the stent was probably totally from smoking, not from alcohol.
I am doing what I need to do to help my Mother. And I will do it in any manner I need to accomplish it. If I need to drink to get to sleep, so be it.
Am I an alcoholic? I don't know. But I do know there are thousands of functioning alcoholics in the world. If it does not interfere with my taking care of my mother, F everything else!