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I was diagnosed with an inflammatory form of arthritis in 2014. Presently, I cannot do a lot of standing without causing a flare up, joints giving out, etc. I also have a hard time lifting heavy objects. This makes me concerned because I'm only 31 and an only child. My parents are in their 60s and have medical issues of their own. Father has diabetes and osteoarthritis. Mother had to have a hip replacement and double knee replacements. There is currently an issue with my mother in law. My father in law passed away unexpectedly and left her some life insurance money. It's going to run out in a few years. She's self employed but the business only covers it's overhead, not living expenses. She rents. My husband only has one brother, but he lives out of the country. My husband expects that we'd need to have my MIL live on our property. He thought I would be able to take care of MIL in addition to our kids. I reminded him about the disability, and we was like, "Oh yeah you have your own issues". I think the best course of action would be to plan on returning to work once the parents, and possibly MIL need caregiving, and then pay for a caregiver to do all the things I'd have trouble with (grocery shopping, cooking, heavy lifting, etc). That's expensive, but my previous job was a desk job that paid decently enough, engineering. Think this is a good idea? And I wonder if the brother in law should at least be helping financially with my MIL and not leaving all the caregiving to me and my husband? What do you think? Engineers only make so much and I'm on the hook for my parents care and they have no assets to fund their care. They are renters too.

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Many of my friends are in the sandwich generation and would like to discuss their elders' aging and end of life plans. No one knows how to broach the subject - meanwhile - it is sort of communicated somehow, not directly, that my generation is expected to take in and house the elders when needed. Especially the older ladies as they know nothing about the bank accounts etc.

Some have tried the "gee, a friend of mine had this happen with her parents.... we have never talked about your wishes for....." to open the door to conversation. Some parents surprised but understood that middle generation would not take them in. Some were angry or frightened - but at least the conversation started.

Good luck!!
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ArthritisMama — I pinched this from SueC1957, but it bears repeating:

“Ask your rheumatologist if (s)he thinks that moving 3 retired parents in with you with you AS THEIR CAREGIVER is a good idea. I'll bet the answer is NO!”

Your parents and in-laws’ POV is selfish and disrespectful. This whole “adult female as family slave” crap needs to stop.

These oldsters will cause you stress and never be happy no matter what. So take it by the reins now — and start the convo now.

Kindly but firmly offer to do some Googling on their behalf, steer them toward Agency on Aging and county/state programs, and help match them with income-scaled resources.

And make it exceedingly clear that that’s where you draw your line. No guilt trips. No wheedling. No “yes but.” No “but we always thought.”

It’s not cruel or selfish. It’s where the chips fall when old folks “plan” their futures on a pile of nonsense.

Their financial insolvency is not your problem. Their health problems are not your problem.

You need to be there for yourself and your household. Refusing to co-live your parents’ and in-laws’ lives doesn’t mean you don’t love and care about them. You are simply at a crossroads, and you need to enforce that common sense and respect will prevail.

Love will prevail, too, of course. Love without self-centered expectations. Love without “shoulds” and “oughttas.”

The old folks in your life have been adults longer than you have. It’s a shame they did not make good decisions regarding finances and future planning. And it’s not your problem.

Your hubby might need a little attitude adjustment, too? If he deluded himself into thinking you can seamlessly take on the old folks, he might be in denial about the amount of support you do (and will) need from him? But that’s another convo for another day.

Keep coming back to AC Forum for support. You’ll get great tips on how to maintain your boundaries and stave off “mission creep.” You’ll also hear brutally honest tales of good intentions gone awry. And caregivers trashing their own health in the process. 😐. ((((big hugs))))
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No parent should never assume that their child(ren) will 24/7 care for them, chronic condition or not. It's just too much to ask. (IMHO)
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A parent who has a child with a chronic condition should never assume they will be able to care for them.
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I’m twice your age but until recently my parents were in better shape than I am. I’ve adult scoliosis, and at best, can’t walk far and that’s using a walker. Right now I’m in a wheelchair and in the middle of every medical test available (it seems like). I cannot keep food down, I have constant abdominal and back pain and I’ve lost 30 pounds in 2 1/2 months.

My mother, with all her troubles in health, really is concerned but it occurred to me my father inquires about my health and then snorts “You’re not sick.” because he had planned for me to be the slave that takes care of mom (and him too, when he lives to be 110.)

It doesn’t matter if they destroy your marriage, your life, your happiness or take your life, they are more important. (This does not include Mother).
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I'd make a firm NO now. Your health and retirement comes first. Then your kids' futures (I see a free college education staring at them down the road! That may be due to scholarships or online, but that still costs room & board!), and that drains everything. Parents are going to need to pay themselves.

My old pastor's inlaws from Korea were able to find a senior apt in an ethnic area of a big warm city, many miles away from their daughter. It was on the bus route, it was close to their choice of stores, and they were able to find a church with people from their home country. They did not speak a word of English when they immigrated (legally for all the worrywarts!). The Papa was in his 90's and still getting around the city to go to his prostate cancer treatments! The parents are just dumping on you.
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Arthritismama,
Oh my goodness, you are so young to have such an awful ailment. I'm so sorry that this darned disease makes your life miserable. I hope your doctors can get it under control.

At 31, with children of your own, you should NOT be thinking about your parents' retirement and their care.

You can barely stand up. Your folks should be responsible for themselves. Have them apply for Medicaid now.


Don't return to work too soon. Get stabilized and, if working outside the home is too much (painful), then stay home. I hope you are on disability.

You can search for places for your folks to live but, if they are only in their 60's (me too), they are plenty capable of researching this and moving where they would want to go.

Emphasize your infirmity. Print out info on inflammatory arthritis for them to read. They are probably in better health than you are! Do NOT let them guilt you into moving into your home! Your kids will suffer, your husband will suffer and you won't be able to do it.

Ask your rheumatologist if (s)he thinks that moving 3 retired parents in with you with you AS THEIR CAREGIVER  is a good idea. I'll bet the answer is NO!

Please think of yourself first, then your husband and kids. That's who you need to be responsible for.

If your parents didn't plan ahead, then they better get a move on it.

I'm an only child too and there is only so much one can do.

We prayed for you tonight. I hope your situation improves. God bless. 🙏🏼 👼🏼
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Not trying to be a downer here, but your disease could get worse, correct? If so, you may not be able to work so not able to support anyone but ur own family. You need to sit down with your parents that you will not be able to care for them physically or financially. That they need to plan for their future. Same with MIL. She needs to look ahead. Like said there is subsidized housing. Where I live the apts are pretty nice. The transit bus picks people up so they can get shopping.

Your parents are not that old to plan for the future. It's time to downsize. I think u have enough on ur plate.
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arthritismama, don't be surprised if your parents or in-law refuse to talk about their finances.

I tried to get info out of my parents [in their 90's], but you would think they were in the witness-protection program. Once I was able to take over their finances, as Dad was thinking bills were junk mail [don't blame him] then I got a better handle on what net worth they had and what they could afford.

Also, sometimes our elders still view us as being quite young. I was in my late 60's when I was helping out my parents and sometimes they thought I was still that young 20 or 30 year old who could do everything and anything, like climbing ladders, or buying 30 bags of mulch and unload it in the backyard :P
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Both my mom and step mom had started with the Area Agency on Aging. They live in a small town of 3,000 people and found housing pegged to SSI, meals on wheels, local senior transport, in home visitors, etc. They also helped both apply for Medicaid - my dad when he needed nursing home and my mom because of her low income.
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Thanks Kimber166, I'll need to have a discussion soon with my parents and my husband with his mom, to see what they were planning and go from there with the concerns I have about being physically up to helping them if they were thinking of moving in with us. Will look into programs and bring it up if that would give them some peace of mind about their own situation.
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As someone who just endured fireworks over my non-cooperation with my In Laws assumption that they would move in with us for me to take care of them...... deal with the elephant now. There are others out here who can help you initiate the conversation. You should not have them live with you and you should not be financially responsible for them. There are programs to assist aged people - my mom has a beautiful 2 bedroom senior apartment for $350 per month (pegged to her income). She pays $2 per trip to grocery or doctor with a senior van. There are other options - start with this site - financial information etc to educate yourself. And help educate your parents and IN LAWS also.
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Thanks all for your input. I started thinking about my parents finances since my mom, who usually does not want to think about these things, asked me if my MIL was planning to live with us when she was older. My father also started to fill me in on their financial situation in a more round-a-about way to figure out what are plans are. Everyone seems afraid to have an open discussion about it. I started to think about my families finances since my condition is getting worse and I may need to be able to afford getting help at home and fund my kids college later. That's when I thought about the potential need to fund my parents help too. Talk about needing a lot of money! It's looking like my parents, and potentially MIL, may need Medicaid when they need a lot of help. I hope they are aware of this possibility. My parents are starting to worry about my condition and ask questions. I'm guessing the elephant in the room is that my parents and maybe even MIL are relying on me to help them when they need that kind of help but my condition is getting noticeably worse. Currently my MIL is in better physical condition than I am.
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arthritismama, thank goodness for Medicaid. When it reaches a point where the elders need a lot of help, they can apply and qualify for Medicaid [which is different than Medicare]. Medicaid will pay for room, board, and care at a nursing home for them, if the nursing home deem they need such care. Thus, it will keep you and hubby out of the loop of using any of your own money.

Time flies by so quickly that some people just forget about saving for retirement. Before they know it they are in their 60's ready to retire... savings account is full of dust, and they quickly realize that social security isn't the income they thought it would be.

Let the family know that when the time comes when they need hands-on care, that with your inflammatory arthritis you would be unable to help them. Maybe find something else you can help them with, like handling the finances of bill paying from their accounts. I know my Dad was so happy when I said I could help him with that.
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Your parents and INLAWS need to be making plans for their future and they are responsible for their finances -not you.
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Oh my. "Hopefully there would be money left over to invest in our kids and our retirement." Maybe, if you do the saving and investment necessary. But definitely not if you take on financial responsibility for two sets of parents. Have you looked into what in-home care costs? Assisted Living Facilities? Nursing Homes?

If you are able to work that might be an excellent thing for you to do, on many grounds. But I cannot at all understand why you feel responsible for your parents' finances. Can you explain that?
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SnoopyLove, that's another issue with our situation. Looks like my parents and MIL are going to drain all our financial resources if I don't go back to work at some point. My going to work would only enable me to afford help taking care of them, stop the bleed on our finances, and hopefully their would be money left over to invest in our kids and our retirement.
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Wouldn't paying for your parents' and MIL's care mean you wouldn't be saving for your own old age and retirement? Wouldn't that create extra burdens on your kids?
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Good question. I wonder that myself. I just found out recently that my dad was only one thinking about retirement and trying to get my mom set-up for it. Except she was not cooperating (they look at houses, but she finds a reason to not like it, etc ) and erroneously thinks her wealthy sister is going to let her live with her. Mother in law's husband was the only one thinking about her wellbeing too, by providing her life insurance in case something happened to him. MIL and my mom are just not planners and don't like making firm decisions about anything.
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Why aren't your parents and in-laws making their own plans for their retirement?
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