Hello wonderful caregivers. I care for my Dad who has bipolar disorder, osteoarthritis, hypertension, hard of hearing and COPD. Recently I was getting him ready for Church, and we had a cab waiting. Dad was rude and impolite to me, saying "I have to take my time, I might fall." He kept us waiting for 10 minutes and got to Church just as the service was about to start.
He has been snappy rude and nags at me. He also throws rubbish on the floor for me to pick up.
Most days he lies in bed 24 hours a day, listening to loud music, because he cannot hear
One time last year, he was in hospital for 6 days, and he was literally running with his Zimmer frame & talking to all the people.
I decided not to speak to him until he respects me. I have decided not to wait on him hand and foot, but ensure he has food, drinks and meds
I wonder if it is bipolar or his character? He is 81
come disguised as friends and family."
"Trying to understand the behavior of some people
is like trying to smell the color 9."
"You cannot hang out with negative people
and expect to live a positive life."
The best "boundary setting" would be to have him live elsewhere. Can that be arranged?
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on a serious note, i hope others have good advice for you!! hug!! ❤️🙂
It may be a good time to get your ducks in a row and arrange for his POA to be done (if it hasn’t been), have his doctor recommend someone trained in geriatrics to “visit” him at home and make some observations about his behavioral/cognitive symptoms, and stop the “hand and foot” caregiving.
When you have a better handle on his cognitive status you can determine for yourself how to handle his behaviors in a way that is more fair and reasonable FOR YOU BOTH.
Be absolutely sure that you’re being fair to YOURSELF as you progress through this stage OF HIS LIFE.
And if he truly wants to go to church, why don't you start getting him ready earlier so you won't have to let the cab wait and get there right on time? Either that or leave him home and you go. He is 81 and I'm sure it does take him longer to get ready, and I'm sure he is afraid that he might fall.
You are not obligated to take care of your dad, as he is not your responsibility. Not sure how and why you ended up living with him, but I'm guessing you're getting something out of the arrangement.
Remember that to get respect you must first give it. You say that you're not going to talk to him until he respects you. Do you realize just how childish and immature that sounds? I mean really??? What is that solving?
If you're unhappy living with him, just move out and let the chips fall where they may. He'll figure things out, when he no longer has someone there picking up the pieces and his "rubbish."
If he is having trouble travelling, then it may be time to stop and find services that are broadcast. It really depends on your stsmina and tolerance as he ages
Why bother trying to take him to church and frustrate everyone?
I am sure this situation is about way more than almost being late for church.
Dementia robs people of their reason, logic, judgment and ability to empathize with others. They lose their memory and sense of self and time. I personally don't have experience with a bi-polar elderly parent but I can assure you that things not only won't improve with your Dad, but they won't even level out or stay the same... his behaviors will only get steadily worse and his needs will increase.
Therefore, you must decide upon your role in caring for him (if any) and have very strong boundaries. You can no longer interact with him as if he is the same Dad of 10 years ago. I wish you much wisdom and clarity in this situation.
I would say its the Dementia. And your right, your not his slave. Do what you need to do and nothing more. He throws trash on the floor, tell him to pick it up or leave it. But do realize, that you will not be able to do this long haul especially if getting to you now. So if you don't have POA try to get him to assign you. And have the lawyer make it immediate so you don't need a doctor's diagnosis. If he resists tell him if he does not assign you, then the State could come in and take over his money and his care. And, you would have no say in what happens to him.
I don’t think this post is entirely about being almost late for church.
Don’t aggravate yourself or him by taking him to church. If he does wish to go to church then allow him enough time to get ready.
Otherwise, he can watch a service online or on television. If he is as hard of hearing as you say, he won’t hear the sermon anyway.
You can attend church without him. While you are there I would suggest that you pray for guidance on how to remove yourself from your caregiving responsibilities. I hear the misery in your words.
You sound extremely burned out and I am sure that you are exhausted. Caregiving takes a toll on us and there comes a time when we have to say, ‘enough already!’
He deserves to receive proper care and you deserve to be free from your misery. So look into alternatives, such as assisted living or a skilled nursing facility.
Does he live with you or you with him?
Best wishes to you and your family.
As for church, if someone is an avid churchgoer at his age, he’s probably been going to that church for a long time. Suggest that one of his friends from church take him from now on. You can stay home or go to another church with your friends. You’re not married to that church or to any other behavior in which you don’t choose to participate.
Sometimes it’s necessary to change our own behavior to get better results.
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