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Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Llamalover........that was a really strange thing your Mom said. I am always so inspired when I hear stories about people like your friends who are elderly but still living a quality life....not just existing. I know that having physical problems has alot to do with some people becoming so difficult, but not always. The lady I knew had some health issues, but she never spoke of them. She was curious about everything. I think that's the key. I'm in my 60s and try to learn something everyday. I have many hobbies and volunteer in the community. I pray that, if I'm blessed to live a long life, I never become a burden to others, and continue to love life and see the beauty. Sometimes when my husband and I go to the theatre, we see people on walkers attending. We really admire them. They are not lying in bed feeling sorry for themselves. One time we asked MIL if she wanted to go with us someplace that would require some walking. We told her we could get a wheelchair for her. It would be no problem. Instead of spending the day with family, she chose to stay home. She objected to the idea of being in a wheelchair. How vain is that??? Who really cares, or looks at an old lady in a wheelchair??? This forum is so helpful, just knowing that I'm not alone experiencing this.....it is very cathartic...... thank you.
Oh, Black Hole, how I've wanted permission to just be human. I reach a point where I can't take it anymore. I just got lightly chastised from a board member for telling mother that enough is enough and I'd have to step out of the room if she can't stop with the constant questions (about 5 questions asked hundreds of times over 2 days). I KNOW mother has Alzheimer's. I KNOW I have to be extra patient in dealing with her. I've tried my best (as the only child) to provide for her and make her living conditions the best I can. But a person can take only so much. I'm not a saint and I have a limit to my patience. Forgive me. I feel like I'll explode and go crazy. If I can get a reprieve for a few minutes, I can regroup and handle whatever I need to with her (those 2 days were spent getting her wrist X-rayed and casted.) We get mad at our kids when they get on our nerves. Why should our parents be any different? You can't deny feelings, it's what you do with them that counts. As long as your coping skills don't involve physical or verbal abuse or neglect, I don't think stepping out of the room for a few minutes makes me a bad daughter. We caregivers need as many good coping skills as possible. This works and I'm keeping it in my arsenal.
Yes, my mother used to frustrate me. That was strange to say "I'll be standing by the ironing board while you do all the work of the curtains." I, too, have a 98 y.o. friend, who still drives, grows her own vegetables and fruit and cans them, makes 1,000 quilts, makes 50 donuts and sets up a large urn of coffee and her donuts weekly at her church! I also have two 101 y.o. friends who are simply existing, have lost all abilities. I had a friend who deceased 2 weeks short of his 101st birthday, but no real quality of life existed with him. That's terrible that your MIL doesn't have the common courtesy to say thank you!
Llamalover.....that must have been frustrating!!! This caregiving thing is not for sissies!!!! I could write a book. Yet, I have seen people who age so gracefully and stay involved, relevant. I was blessed to be friends with a lady who lived to be 97 years old and continued to teach piano until the end of her life. She was such an inspiration. I went to the symphony one time with her and she was telling me all about the composer and the music!!! I think that the idea of "giving" and thinking of others just doesn't exist for some old folks. The world revolves around them. My husband takes care of everything for his mother. I have yet to hear her say,"good job" or "thank you". I think that's what really gets on my nerves. She expects everyone to do everything for her because "I'm 90!"......she was in rehab for four weeks and loved to tell us about how someone was there to cut her pancakes and a man to bathe her. Pretty sickening. She is perfectly capable of cutting her pancakes!!!
Joysuthe: That was very rude of her. So as you had gotten the stain out of your MIL'S jacket, she thought that she would take advantage of you! My late mother was the same way! One time she said to me "I'll just stand by the ironing board while you wash and dry my curtains". Say what??!! Why don't you just ask me if I would mind washing your curtains? FYI, my mom also had low vision.
Llamalover47.....yes, it gets very tiring.....actually more like emotionally exhausting....I find there's lots of manipulation, too. This is the latest. I noticed a stain on MIL's jacket. She is legally blind, so I thought I would help her. I got the stain out and returned the jacket. It looked like new. A week later, she said to me, " I have a stain on a few things and I don't know what to do...." Please. First, how did she see the stains???? I felt so much anger over how she was trying to manipulate me,I told her to soak the items, spray them with a stain remover, scrub them and wash them in cold water!!!! How could someone live 90 years and NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO??? If she would have just asked me to take them to the cleaners, I wouldn't have had a problem, but her trying to trick me into scrubbing her dirty laundry....and acting so dumb.......I couldn't take it....she seems to delight in acting incapable just so she doesn't have to do anything. She claims she can't call the pharmacy, or the doctor's office, but how is it that she can reach my husband on the phone. No problem with that....
Yes.....I believe my MIL is jealous. When I used to have her over for holiday dinners where I would prepare all of the food myself and design floral arrangements, she would say, "oh, I used to do all that!!" In 40 years, I have been invited to her home once and there were no arrangements. I've never known her to bake a pie, cookies, etc. That's fine with me, but she always acts like in her younger years, she did it all. When I graduated from college (later in life) and graduated with honors, she tried to steal my day and began talking about how well she did in Calculus! She never took Calculus. I wouldn't be bothered by who she is if only she was authentic, but she makes up so many lies. If you call her on something, she acts dumb or pretends that she never said that!! I think some people love having a pity party. Maybe that's why your MIL seems jealous of you.....you aren't falling into the trap. My MIL was stuck on that pity party thing until I pointed out someone we both knew who can't walk or talk. Instead of having a little sympathy and saying, "you're right...things could be much worse" she abruptly changed the subject and began talking about what she was going to have for breakfast. If it's not about her, it doesn't interest her. That may be your MILs problem. Good luck.
GrannySmith: I know, right! My mother would say (insert 3 y.o. mom) "I can say whatever I want because I'm this age." I said "no, that's rude." Then ensues the closed mouth 3 y.o. mode again.
It gets worse with some people as they age because they just don't care anymore, they say what they want, do what they want don't care about hurting anyone. Also boredom, some people get mean out of boredom, some out of resentment and yes, their own jealousies. I think the worst thing any caregiver could do is show any reaction to someone's anger, comments, outbursts, etc... It will fuel the behavior more. I dealt with my dad's angry controlling behavior consistently following my own simple efforts to maintain my car, my home, like mowing my own yard. Things I have to do, that have to be done. Following every chore I had that was my own, I would be verbally abused for days. I accepted I was dealing with a narcissist who had no tolerance for anyone doing anything for themselves or their own property over sitting in the corner and happily waiting for his commands. Now I smile no matter what, have him on a care schedule, make time for my own work, I say nothing about my own personal business, just do my caregiving chores, sit and have a talk with him about sports and all the wonderful trips he had etc... and all is calm. And I have to add that even medication is not a cure for narcissistic behavior. My parent was violent in the hospital/nursing care too, they medicated him, did not change the behavior at all.
Just smile and be happy, it's the best way to handle it.
Oh, absolutely! I heard from my late mother about 101 x over how her granddaughter took a trip to Alaska. My mother obviously didn't like it and thought that she should have taken EVERY trip to her grandmother's. My daughter visited her often. So when my mother brought it up the 102nd time, I shut it down, saying "mother, that will be enough about the Alaskan trip." She never mentioned it again. I was sexually abused by an uncle. I told my mother about him. My mother choose to keep in contact with the perv through phone, mail and greeting cards until his death. Hello????!!!! Gee, thanks for not standing up for your own daughter!!
Sounds like son and DIL have the rigth idea. Some people are just nasty and manipulative and there is no reason anyone should be subjected to that. If she cannot be nice to her family who is trying to care for her, then maybe she needs to be moved into a home sooner than expected. Caregiver abuse is real.
I guess I should say that it is our house that everyone is living in. They weren't staying in her house rent free while taking care of her. They were doing my husband and I a favor since we live so far away.
The best way you can avoid this is to avoid the person altogether. There are those situations where you just absolutely must walk away from them and never look back. I had very unloving parents, but it was always my mom who was saying hateful things to me behind everyone's back. I don't think either one of them should've been parents, and there are just some people like that but there's not much you can do about them but to avoid them. Some may say that's not always possible, but yes it is! If you have a working brain, you can get creative and find clever ways to avoid them even if it means just clean cutting the apron strings if you happen to be taking care of them. You deserve better, you need not put up with verbal abuse
Hi Ginamaria It's a problem a lot of people seem to have. There are many posts on narcissism that might give you ideas on how to handle people who are self absorbed. Wrap that happiness around you like a protective coat and go about your business. Don't dwell on negativity. I'm sorry you were hurt.
Kudos to your son and DIL for saying "enough's enough" and moving out. Not surprised that your husband's siblings want the arrangement to continue - uninvolved family members almost always want to keep the status quo so they don't have to step up.
I think some people say mean things to others all their lives, sometimes as a means to keep others off-balance and entrench their own control of the relationship. I think elderly people may start to lose their filters and start to say things they previously would have kept to themselves. And I think those traits can combine with the sense of self-pity and victimization that a sick or disabled person may feel and can result in a vicious attitude towards the more fortunate, "well" person.
Your son and DIL are doing the right thing. Nobody should have to take care of someone who verbally abuses them.
My MIL says horrible things to me all the time. And even worse to my son and DIL who are in the house taking care of her. She makes DIL cry several times a week. Finally they said enough is enough and have bought their own house and are moving out next month. Now all of a sudden she is super nice to them and wants them to stay. Not going to happen. And she knows if she has another stroke she's going into the nursing home to stay. She can't believe that they are actually moving out. They've basically been her slave for 2 years without getting paid even a penny. Hubby's siblings think they should just get over it because they really want them to stay as well so they don't have to jump in.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I just got lightly chastised from a board member for telling mother that enough is enough and I'd have to step out of the room if she can't stop with the constant questions (about 5 questions asked hundreds of times over 2 days).
I KNOW mother has Alzheimer's. I KNOW I have to be extra patient in dealing with her. I've tried my best (as the only child) to provide for her and make her living conditions the best I can. But a person can take only so much. I'm not a saint and I have a limit to my patience. Forgive me. I feel like I'll explode and go crazy.
If I can get a reprieve for a few minutes, I can regroup and handle whatever I need to with her (those 2 days were spent getting her wrist X-rayed and casted.)
We get mad at our kids when they get on our nerves. Why should our parents be any different? You can't deny feelings, it's what you do with them that counts. As long as your coping skills don't involve physical or verbal abuse or neglect, I don't think stepping out of the room for a few minutes makes me a bad daughter. We caregivers need as many good coping skills as possible. This works and I'm keeping it in my arsenal.
Caregivers, it's OK to grow weary of "always being the bigger person." We are humans, not robots. Our feelings matter, too.
Just smile and be happy, it's the best way to handle it.
I was sexually abused by an uncle. I told my mother about him. My mother choose to keep in contact with the perv through phone, mail and greeting cards until his death. Hello????!!!! Gee, thanks for not standing up for your own daughter!!
It's a problem a lot of people seem to have. There are many posts on narcissism that might give you ideas on how to handle people who are self absorbed. Wrap that happiness around you like a protective coat and go about your business. Don't dwell on negativity.
I'm sorry you were hurt.
I think some people say mean things to others all their lives, sometimes as a means to keep others off-balance and entrench their own control of the relationship. I think elderly people may start to lose their filters and start to say things they previously would have kept to themselves. And I think those traits can combine with the sense of self-pity and victimization that a sick or disabled person may feel and can result in a vicious attitude towards the more fortunate, "well" person.
Your son and DIL are doing the right thing. Nobody should have to take care of someone who verbally abuses them.