Parent won't give POA information. Any advice?

Since a POA must handle the affairs of someone while they are living once they have been declared unable to handle them on their own, the person appointing them must have request their services in this role, and so, have this legally documented. It is, in many states, a matter of public record and can often times be found in court documents. An executor on the other hand, is often times not made aware of this appointment until after someone has died. They are notified of the appointment and at that time have the option to decline the huge responsibility. A secondary choice to execute the will is called upon, if they decline, the executorship goes to the the courts. A living individual with full mental capacity may change their POA without notifying the individual first placed in that role. If you were told you were going to be executor of your father's will and you agreed verbally to do so, then sit back. You will either accept the challenge when the time comes, or have the option of declining the responsibility. If your father has become secretive and/or paranoid, and you believe dementia may be contributing to this problem, you could always try contacting his doctor, acting as a concerned child. The doctor may or may not speak with you on the subject. The doctor is not legally required to do so, unless you are POA. If you are POA, you will know you are because you would have to sign a POA and then have possession of it to act on it if and when the time came for it to be necessary to do so. You must do what feels right for you to do. Try to remember, the choices your father is making or has made are his. Although it may be tempting to want to know what is going on with his affairs, you really and truly have no right to know unless your father wants you to. One thing I have learned about cognitive decline - in the early stages, the paranoia and forgetfulness are not constant. There are periods of complete lucidity, when you should be able to talk with your father about these matters, in his best interest. Not yours. The advice previously given about presuming he will be leaving you nothing is probably the best advice you received from all of these good people replying to your question. You Must assume there is no inheritance for you. You must believe that your father has made choices with the assistance of his attorney that were the ones he wanted. His attorney is bound by law to create a legal document such as a will on behalf of someone making decisions in their right mind. You Must Believe and Accept that. Otherwise, you will lose your own mind in the insanity of this time of your life and your parents. What will be will be and what is, is. My advice? Forget the responsibility you may have been asked to step into as Executor until the time of death, see if you have been elected, then make a rational decision if you are willing and able to take on the task, which is a Huge on. Forget who is named POA. It is not you, or you would know it. Most importantly, live your life without concern for what may or may not be left you. Accept this, let it go. It wasn't yours to begin with. If your father decides to leave you with something, then good for you. Assume otherwise and you will sleep better at night.

Honey, having been in a similar situation, and getting kicked in the teeth, my recommendation is to skip the trust building, skip the lovey-lovey visits, and let the old boy live his life and keep his secrets.
Plan to not inherit anything. Plan to decline the executorship and let the second take care of it. Move along, live your life free of worry about your parent. Avoid getting sucked into that black hole of continuous, never-ending drama and needs. It's pretty clear you are cut out of everything except the work. An earlier writer noted that dementia can go on for years and years; living in a dementia unit is about $5000 to $7000 per month now. Who knows how much in the future, so the estate will be eaten up in care expenses anyway. Leave all that mess to someone else. Let go and let God.

One more thing; unless your family has "generational wealth", if your dad has dementia, there will not be a red cent left. Nursing home care is currently costing my mom $15,000 a month. Thankfully, and contrary to what many people seem to believe (that elders who enter nursing facilities die quickly) my mom has had 2 good years of mostly good health, after surviving a stroke, a broken hip and several bouts of pneumonia. With continued good luck and health, she will spend the rest of her funds on another year and a half at this facility and then we'll apply for Medicaid. She's 92 now; her sister died just short of 97, so we know/hope that we're in this for the long haul.

In my state, if you are named in a trust, the attorney setting up the trust notifies you. Since you have not received anything, I would be skeptical too. It is kind of like the old scenario about the old person that makes a new will, but hides it and then nobody ever finds it.

Do you know the attorney who drew up his documents? You may be able to ask if your fathers new documents for POA, etc have ACTUALLU been brought up to date and are in order. If you father seems to be unable to properly conduct his own affairs, then you would need to know who has been appointed to help him.

Very odd that this is a big secret....how does he expect your family to find out who is going to do what?

I think that most attorneys encourage their clients to ask permission and inform the persons they name as POA, after all, there is little point naming someone who is unable or unwilling. If you can find the lawyer I can't see why it would be breaking confidentiality for them to confirm/deny that you have been named POA.

First the POA is only active while the person is alive.
Second, after death the Will is in force and the Executor is in charge.
Third, as an old person myself, I don't want my family bugging me for all the darn details, because it opens up a can of worms. So stop asking him. Show a little respect.

The only way to prove that you are not interested in what you are getting is to stop asking about it. When my MIL hinted around about what she wanted to leave to whom, I just said "I don't need your money. My father left me a million dollars." That ended the conversation. She knew I never got anything from him and I was not going to be manipulated into asking for hers.

You are primarily concerned about his POA and Health Directive. Makes sense.

I agree that it is mighty strange for your father not to tell you if you have either financial or medical POA or both. Mighty strange isn't against the law, but it is against his best interests. A logical conclusion is that you are not POA or Medical Proxy. We don't know that for sure, but it seems like a good bet, yes?

Let us say that Dad has a stroke or a bad fall and needs temporary help. In walzes a somewhat younger girlfriend who has been in the picture but behind the scenes for a long time. Oh, lets go all-out soap opera here. It is a younger boyfriend who shows up, POA documents in hand, and starts handling your Dad's finances. Hmm, no wonder Dad was a bit secretive, eh? But how would your life be different/better if you know that right this minute?

BTW, if Dad is smart, he has given a copy of his advance directive to his PCP and other medical facilities he uses. I notice they all ask if you have one. So they would know who to contact.

And what if Dad has left a huge chunk of the estate to this "friend" -- how would knowing that tomorrow make any difference?

I understand the concern about highjacking the inheritance. We've seen that scenario on this forum. But I don't see how knowing all the details about your dad's estate planning protects you from that. So you find out that you are both DPOA and Medical POA this week. And dad goes downhill, but not to the point of being declared incompetent, and a year from now he sets up new POAs giving authority to his caregiver or his high school sweetheart or his lawyer. He can do that at any time, as long as he is still competent. So what would you gain from knowing all the details today? How would that protect you from the highjacking scenario?

If that book tells you what to do and how it protects your interests, share! We love to learn from each other.

Your Dad is in his seventies. (So am I.) He has started repeating stories he has told before. (I do too. In fact among my peers we commonly start a story by saying "I don't remember who I've told this to, so stop me if you've heard this ...") He is showing some other non-specified signs of cognitive decline. But he set up his estate plans a year ago, before these signs started showing up, so presumably he was in his right mind when he made them. Right?

If, in fact, Dad is in the beginning stages of dementia, his care is going to be VERY expensive. And it could go on for 20 years or more. That will eat up huge amounts of the estate. So much so that worrying about what is left is simply not worthwhile.

The best kind of check-and-balance is to maintain a loving relationship with your father. Take an interest in his life. Visit often. See that he gets the best care available if he does,in fact, decline significantly.

And for heaven's sake, quit bugging him to tell you what he doesn't want to tell you. You are coming across (inaccurately I hope) as being overly interested in his money. That doesn't put any parent in a confiding mood.

Excellent advice dilofthedevil..

Years ago I had My Mom put all important papers in one place. Wills, deeds, birth certificate, marriage certicates, death certicates, dads military discharge,etc. Now she has Dementia so glad I had her do it.