My dad has dementia that is progressing where he now needs 24 hour help. My mom is unable to physically help. We have an aide for 12 hours during the day. My brother lives 5 minutes from them is now spending the nights at their home and it takes a toll on him. Before the virus I would visit 3 weekends a month to help out durning the night, grocery shop and help with anything needed. My brother doesn’t not work. I have a full time job. He would like me to quit my job to help out and now thinks I am using the virus and an excuse not to visit and help out. He is very angry at me and probably burnt out. I have tried numerous times explaining when the stay at home order is over I will be there. This is not good enough for him and will not accept that. I am 67 years old. My husband has diabetes and I am fearful of giving my parents the virus and myself getting sick while there from possibly one of their aides. We are not speaking at this moment as he thinks I am using the virus as an excuse as he thinks I use my job as an excuse as well not to come and help.
I have found an aide to help for a few nights a week but he refuses. He doesn’t want another person in the house because of the virus, but it is ok for me to come into the house and possible give them the virus or myself get sick .
I am terribly upset. It’s about my parents safety. But he lives there and doesn’t understand my position that I don’t live there and it is not safe for anyone to visit the area.
You can certainly order food online, monitor meds, etc.
https://www.washington.edu/news/2020/04/13/just-one-friend-covid-19/?fbclid=IwAR0OveoOY0Q37zMD6YpLdiGS797-OYOlYvNmG1KVEJubwP6AJaM70kw_vxA
BUT...I also understand your brother's extreme burnout. Night after night of interrupted sleep (which I'm betting is the case?) is a form of torture.
I totally agree with gladimhere -- time to pay your brother a fair rate for the care he is providing for your parents. The money should come from your parents, not you.
In my case (which was nothing as involved as your brother's), I was the local sibling who had to do everything (didn't live with my mother, fortunately!). I was very resentful about this (particularly because my mother was so unappreciative towards me). I felt a lot better about it all when my POA brother paid me $20/hour (which my mother never knew about; it would have made her very angry as she had told me, "You don't pay FAMILY!"). I considered it as just a job. And it was never taxable, either, as it was considered a gift. (No danger of my mother ever going on Medicaid.)
Yes, bro sounds overwhelmed and burnt out. Isn't he being with them his choice, that he made? That doesn't give him license to tell you what you should do. Your first responsibility is you and your husband. Husband working with the homeless puts him and therefore you at higher risk. That in turn would be carried to the folks and brother if you were to go.
But the short answer is just stay put.
That is not your fault.
It would be highly irresponsible on your part to continue your visits to your parents' house. Your solution of additional paid help as a substitute for your own supplementary caregiving is the correct solution. His refusal, and his bitter anger, are simply further symptoms of burnout. Be calm and continue to offer the correct solution.
It is upsetting, one does feel heartless with a great many choices one is forced to make for the time being, but be as clinical in your thinking as you can. God willing we none of us will have to sustain this for too much longer.
I thought I'd cool down (nope still angry for you).
Brother is maybe overwhelmed & focused on getting you to do more - not looking at the bigger picture - which is getting the care they need with a plan that works for ALL of you.
Currently, through the crises: If you need to stay home to protect your DH with diabetes & yourself, stay home. Tell him that. You have found an alternative (o/n aide) but he's refused. That's his choice but the consequence will be his also - he will then be the one providing that extra care or leaving them undersupervised.
After the crises: visit & have family meeting with your brother. 1. Look at the current care plan you have in place. 2. Reassess it. 3. Change the plan as neccessary.
If he insists the plan will work if only YOU do more etc you may need a mediator - an impartial third party to assist & bring ideas. (Social worker/area of aging/church official?)
It may be possible to stay at home longer but he will have to accept outsider help. That's the reality he has to now face.
The next one will be that at some point, especially when dementia is involved, the question of home care vs facility care rears it's head.
COVID-19 UPDATES. I TRIED COPYING IT. It's not working.. Look it up, it should help you and brother to a solution.
Mu aunt is in a faclility, I am not allowed to visit, but then again, the caretakers are free to come and go when needed.. so??? Take your risks, reduce them, wash hands frequentely, wear necessary garb, and disinfect surfaces... your hands, cabinets, door knobs, cell phone.. etc. I am not that detailed at home :(
Now, gloves off.
YOU get to decide who you help, how you help & how often. You get to decide to continue working or not & where to live.
Brother decides these things for HIMSELF - how he helps, how much etc. He does NOT decide these for your life. What you both offer & do does NOT have to match.
How you explain this will depend on your style. Gently in a kind sympathetic phone call, with direct honest plain talking (or even an emotional confrontational fit).
tbc..
Nurses have to see their clients. So the government allows this with precautions. Go to COVID.GOV. It will list want needs to be in order: temperature, gloves, masks, and possibly disposable foot coverings of some sort. CMS.GOV. LOOK IT UP. Don't make this an excuse to drop in and see your parents and give your brother a bit of a lunch break... Do your homework, look up the details. Call your parents doctors and see if they are extensively at risk to have you visit, or another caretaker.. Do as they say or suggest...Do a conference call with your brother to the doctors so there is no mistake on what needs to be done.
COVID.GOV or CMS.GOV is the website... look it up, and talk with your brother. Understand what he is going through. Your job, employer, should understand that you may need to have a 3 day week end once or twice a month to help take care of your parents, especially now with all this stuff going on. Truly. They may even allow you to work outside the office? Don't know what you do, and nobody needs that information on this forum.. TAlk with your employer, your brother, parents doctors, and come up with a plan that works best for your parents.
GOOD LUCK. :) Stay safe.