Sorry, All, this is part two of the background concerning my question.
There is another set of friends, again a couple who is in their 30s, who I think may have been stealing from my parents. My mom hired the woman, Anna, to help her clean house, etc. She was overcharging my mom and there are many missing items in my mom’s house. She was going to help my mom sell one of her rental properties by selling it rent to own. She was showing the home to interested buyers. (No, she isn’t a real estate agent). When I met her for the first time, I was enthusiastic to greet her as a friend of my mom who has helped out my mom so much (this is before I knew these red flags.) When I told her hi and how grateful I was, she gave me a withering snarled look. I told my mom about this later, and my mom thinks that I hate her friend. My mom told me that she considers Anna to be her daughter and she has been so grateful for how much she helped her. Anna and her husband have cried on the phone to my mom about her moving to my state. They said “I thought we were family. come back, we will take care of you. We can take you to a good doctor in Mexico.” (they have family in Mexico).
I’m looking for advice about how to handle situations like this. I’ve not been able to express my concerns to my mom. When I do, she turns on me and accuses me of being too sensitive. I think my mom loves the attention she gets from these “friends” They call her for advice and share their worries and troubles with them. I think this makes my mom feel important.
Frankly, I worry that these two different families have been scamming my parents and/or in the process of trying to do so. Maybe they thought that by becoming close friends with an elderly couple with two rental homes, they could “inherit” something?
One of the complicating factors is that I need to sell their home and some rental properties in their home town. My mom wants to get opinions from her friends about selling the houses. She wants to give the key to her house to look in on things and make sure everything is okay with the house. There is a third set of friends, a couple, who has offered to look after the houses. When my mom told them about my dad’s death, during that same phone call, they asked when we are going to be selling the houses. MAJOR red flag for me. This is NOT the time to ask a brand new widow about selling property.
I’ve stayed firm about no one getting the keys. I am already in the process of consulting a real estate agent and getting the houses listed. But this is going to be a slow several month process. I’m doing a lot of the research and info gathering work, then I am going to let my mom know when I have found a good agent, a good price, etc. I want to list the first house quickly, and ideally the second house too. I lent my parents a lot of money for their move and for care selling the rental houses is how I get repaid. There is no time to just grieve the loss of my dad. But if I wait to sell these houses, then I feel like I’m at the mercy of my mom and her friends.
So basically, I am venting and looking for support, feedback, advice. Do you all see red flags that looks like people who are trying to scam my mom?
If I could figure out a way to limit my mom’s phone calls with these friends, I would, but I’m afraid that I would be accused by them or her (or both!) that I’m infringing on her rights. Meanwhile, I’m stressed out and unable to set boundaries about who she is talking to and how that affects her and then affects her interactions with me.
My husband thinks that once the houses are sold and it is clear that my mom has no money, they will no longer be in her life. But in the meantime... I need to figure out ways to protect my sanity when she talks to these people and when she comes to me with her new worries (stemming from her conversations with them).
About limiting the phone conversations...hmmm...would your mom know if their numbers were deleted or blocked? Could you "lose" her phone and have to get a new one and whoops, now we don't know the friends' phone numbers? Just a thought. Good luck, I know that is hard.
Thank you for validating my need to keep the keys, who knows what could happen, maybe someone will move in? :-)
Thanks too for your suggestions about the phone. It helps just getting support and validation for doing whatever I need to do to protect my mom. I think most of my stress comes from doubting myself. Its hard to do things that can look controlling to someone on the outside without any experience in these matters. Thank you for your response, it gives me that extra bit of confidence that I'm doing the right thing and just let go of the second guessing as much as possible.
I think that losing the phone and getting a different number might be a good idea. I actually told my dad that I broke his phone by dropping it and it was so ruined that I couldn't retrieve any numbers from it, all because I was protecting him from his friends that were so generous with the praise that opened his wallet.
Does your mom have any mental or cognitive issues? If yes, you could have a sweet conversation about how serious the law is when unscrupulous individuals take advantage of a vulnerable senior. The law has serious teeth when a vulnerable senior is involved. EDIT: I just read part one. I would tell the "well" meaning friends that they need to stop causing upset because your mom has dementia and she doesn't need to be upset about things she can no longer comprehend. If they don't stop I would tell them to leave her alone or you will involve the law. Real friends would completely understand that she doesn't need to be upset.
I feel for you, it is so difficult when you are treated like the enemy.
Okay, I like your steps, they make complete sense. Educate the "well meaning " friends. and if they don't respond appropriately, then educate them about elder abuse and the law.
I LOVE your solution concerning your dad's cell phone. Very clever! well done, you!
It might be worth the cost of an hour or two of an elder lawyer's time to let him/her inform your mother's friends of the elder abuse laws, particularly if you have an incriminating recording in hand.
Seems to me this woman may already have copies of the keys. Change the locks on all her property. Put looks on outbuildings. I like the camera idea. Sell quickly. Keep good records. If Mom ever needs Medicaid u may have to prove you paid for her moving expenses. Money from the sale of her property needs to be kept in a separate acct and withdrawls only for her.
I'm adding my support to keeping the nosy people out of the house, denying them access, and definitely including them in anything, at all.
I would caution any real estate agent to be aware of the potential problems that could be created.
And I would also follow the advice to get surveillance set up.
Something else you could do, as I rather suspect some of these people are snooping around on the property, is to put up "no trespassing signs". If any of these snoopers are injured, the sign would provide support that they are NOT invitees, but rather trespassers, and aren't entitled to compensation if they're injured.