We for sure need to have a serious discussion about it, but I wanted to consult with people who may have experience with it before. I will give some background: Me and my partner are 3 years together and moved in around a year ago. His mom has Parkinson (diagonsed around 8 uears ago), and was hospitalized around 3 years ago (when we started dating), and is unconscious since then. It took us (and me specifically) a while to figure out how we see our future as we just finished university, etc. So it is just now that I started to worry about it. When my partner was in university, he visitied his mom few times a week, and spent the rest of the time studying or building our relationship.Now after he finished university he started to go to the hospital everyday after work (around 3 hours, including commuting), coming home around 19:30 p.m. He also goes there every weekend with his sibilings and dad for few hours, around 3-5 hours (he goes every Friday, and usually on Saturday if we don't have plans). If we have plans for some day, so he will skip his visits, but it is not like we have plans every weekend or day.I don't think he shouldn't visit at all, and of course he has to be there for every appointment - this is completely normal.But I start to feel like it affects our relationship too much.First of all, I feel like I am responsible most of the household work. He does mop the floors and clean the bathroom every 2 weeks (sometimes every week, if I didn't), but I feel like I am responsible for the rest mostly - changing bed, cooking, some other cleaning and regular things needs to be done. He might do it if I ask him, but I don't feel like I need to give him assignments as this house is ours and not just mine. It might not be related to his visits to the hospital, but I feel like it is just normal for him not initiate that much if he is less at home (and I know there are way worse guys out there). Other than that, his dad doesn't really invite me to his home (because I am a male basically), and every 2nd weekend my partner goes there, and I go to my parents' home - because we want to visit them, of course, but also so they will all go to the hospital together (but he also goes there when we stay the weekend together in our home). He is invited of course to my parents' home, but because I am not invited to his, we barely come together to my parent's, and I don't come to his dad's - which means more time apart.I start to fear about how our future will look like, because no one knows how long this would last (and I definitely don't want to wish for something awful to happen so we can have good relationship! That sounds sick). I am not sure I have enough trust anymore so he would step up and invest the same efforts in our household and family (if we decide to start one), and I fear like every big step we'll do just means more responsibility on me solely. Not to mention this just affects our relationship emotionally, sexually, etc. (because we don't really have enough time together I fear). I could go on, but tried to not make it too long. We definitely have a talk to do, but I wanted to hear what you think and hear your advice, and maybe know if I am unreasonable.
Thanks.
It does seem like an inordinate amount of visiting, but it could be a cultural thing if his family is a different heritage than yours. Parkinsons will shorten his Mom's life significantly. Even so, there's a chance things with his Dad and family expectations and pressures and attitudes towards LGBTQ people will not change even after she passes.
My son just got married to his boyfriend. Fortunately his new in-laws are loving and accepting. I have 3 sons and I've always advised them that when they marry, they marry the whole family. It can add a lot of relational stressors that you couldn't ever imagine.
If your boyfriend seems unwilling to discuss or make some changes then consider counseling for yourself first and hoping he will join you. If that doesn't create positive change (or he is unwilling to participate) then you have your answer: you are not a priority. Move on.
As to household division of tasks, really we aren't in the business here on Forum of monitoring that for our participants. That is a relationship discussion and decisions. Do consider a marriage counselor. That will at least keep partner home one night a week! Then decide whether this is the relationship that you want to have, because really we seldom change others.
Good luck.
Also, finding out more about his mom's lifelong relationship with him, his feelings and concerns about her health, and how the family influences him, their outlook for her future, etc, might shed more light for you.
When family issues arise, the sense of "ownership" can come at people in many ways. If you discover that mom was the driving force in his pre-college life, and the rest of the family may have stepped back, it would be unlikely that even in death there would be a real uncoupling from her. Whatever their relationship was, if it took 1st place over all others in the family, it is worth exploring whether you'd fare any better even when she is no longer alive. Early relationships and training don't subside easily. I think most people bump into that reality in long-term relationships.
Your partner may get more engaged with you if you shower him with that kind of interest. Perhaps even joining him for some visits? But, ask for what you need, too, and understand partners aren't mind readers. Yes, consider your own and other's thoughts on whether it's the right match for your life, is he open to you getting closer to what he is going through, or is it all about him and mom, no others?
Also, your partner is fine with his dad not accepting you?? If this were my dad, I would not GO to his home if he could not accept that I was gay and wanting to bring my partner along. It's both of you or neither. You must feel very left out and not stood up for, which to me, is a very bad thing in a relationship. Your partner MUST HAVE YOUR BACK.
Have that serious talk with him. You matter in this relationship. If he can't see that and acknowledge it, cut your losses NOW.
Best of luck to you.