How do families handle elderly spouses wanting to have physical intimacy with each other (whether merely getting naked together for skin to skin contact, or touching of the privates, or actual sex—it’s unclear) and one spouse isn’t capable independently to move or roll over in the hospital bed to make room for the other. Would need assistance to get situated. At home. Aides and adult children are providing hygiene, feeding, etc services but this is something new. Being asked to help position the bedbound spouse, and then to leave them alone for a while. Suggestions? (Some aides offended at being asked, some not)
If this is something YOU want, then you'll have to figure out how to make it happen. Because imo, asking for such help from loved ones or aides is over the top.
Best of luck to you.
The work that a CNA does like hygiene care, washing a person, changing their diaper, dressing... is not sexual. The same way that going to your doctor isn't either. No client or their family has a right to ask a sexual favor of any homecare worker. Asking for "assistance to get situated" is indeed asking a sexual favor. If any client or their family asked this of one of my employees that client would be dropped from our service that very day.
If the bedbound person is still able to give consent and wants some form of sexual contact with their partner, their partner can figure out the positioning and how to get them "situated" themselves. If they are out-of-it with dementia or some other condition that prevents them from giving consent, no one should be trying to have sexual contact including their spouse because that is a crime. You DO NOT ever ask this of a homecare aide. Ever.
In 2015, a court ruled that a demented wife was consenting to sex with her visiting husband. Since then, places have been less likely to discourage courtship behavior even among residents. If they see George and Mildred holding hands and sharing meals one day, they might be in bed a week later, which is actually normal dating behavior. At dh’s old work, staff just closed the door quietly if they accidentally intruded.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that aides need position them any more than they should be putting condoms or lube on people. ITA that’s beyond anyone’s job description.
Hospice had ordered a bariatric bed for my Husband and many times I did lay next to him holding his hand.
This may happen many years prior to becoming bedbound, or with cognitive decline (Dementia/Alzheimers) making it impossible to give informed consent.
Is the person that is bedbound cognizant?
If the bedbound person is NOT cognizant then I think any actual intimacy should be off the table. This person would not be decisional.
I think asking a caregiver or an aide to assist in positioning your partner is more than you should expect.
There is noting wrong with massage. Skin to skin contact would be acceptable but to ask someone to help with more is out of the question.
"I am caring for my mother, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, diabetes, and mobility problems."
I agree with others that maybe a massage would be a reasonable alternative. A hard no to asking any other people to assist in any way.
Maybe it’s all over for them, but I probably need to ask them about it (just steeling myself up for that conversation) before having a second conversation with the agency, which fortunately seems not to have cut us off entirely over it. That would be huge loss.
Never saw this coming, honestly, and I do empathize with the aides, especially not knowing to what extent or what exactly might have been on the agenda. Wow.
I appreciate all the feedback and am still figuring out how to deal with this.
If it’s not clear, I think this was probably my dad’s idea (who does have age-related decline but no dementia diagnosis) and my mom would have been completely fine with it. It seems a shame they can’t even be naked together now and then. It makes me sad, in a way. I just don’t know how to avoid involving others in a way that’s inappropriate.
Perhaps as not to offend the aides you can just ask them to get your bedbound spouse situated in such a way that makes room for you to get in bed with them while they still have their clothes on and then you can take off your spouses clothes yourself, as not to embarrass the aides or family members. And then I would just ask whoever else is there to leave the house for an hour or 2 so you can be alone with your spouse even if it's only to snuggle.
I wish you well, as we never get too old to appreciate human touch especially from the one we love the most.