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I had many caregivers taking care of my mom for the last fourteen years. There were always problems. Either she didn’t want them or they had issues. This year she had an embolectomy on January 20, 2022, and she was discharged home two days later. She started declining after that. She did not walk, did not eat much. Sleeping long hours. I had to fire some caregivers because they were not good. I now placed her in the nursing home. She is extremely upset. She had told me from the beginning she never wants to go to a nursing home. She doesn’t speak English. There is a language barrier. She eats special food that I have to buy her. It doesn’t get served in the nursing home. I am just worried that she doesn’t eat or drink because of being unhappy and no one understands her. Either way I am always worried or frustrated. She is 94 and has dementia. She cannot walk, hard of hearing, gets thirsty for water a lot. I don’t know if it was the right decision?

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You’ve done the best you can in impossibly difficult circumstances. Of course your mom doesn’t want a NH, few of us do. But there are life events that make in home care so tenuous and just not doable anymore. My mom was in such a situation. We all knew she didn’t want a NH but it was truly the only safe option for her care. Please know you’re mom’s advocate now, show the NH staff that you’re a caring and involved relative, it will make a difference in her care. You can let staff know ways to discern what mom needs. They will learn the best ways to meet her needs. Don’t talk with her about not wanting to be there, it’s a circular conversation that benefits nothing. I wish you both peace
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I can see that it would be a challenge with the language barrier, but I also think she is in the best possible place. I agree with other comments about advocating for her and getting to know her care team. My 89-year-old mother has similar health issues and I can't visit regularly so I have to rely on her health team. I know in my case it wasn't the right or wrong decision, it was the ONLY decision due to her need for a high level of care.
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Just a thought..
Is there a Skilled Nursing facility or Memory Care facility in an area that has many residents of the same ethnicity? Many communities have "neighborhoods" that have many immigrants from the same country so finding a facility might be a little easier. Or it is possible that many of the staff are from those areas. Maybe it would be easier for your mom even if it might be less convenient for you if it is a distance away.
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You've done yeoman's work to this point and now she needs far more care than you can provide. Is it possible to post some basic words on a board in her room (with phonetic pronunciations) so that the staff can at least ask her one-word questions, like: thirsty? hungry? Pain? Where? etc. Or a sheet with pictures on them that she can point to? Her cognitive impairment adds to the challenge.

Or, have you considered having her assessed for hospice? Sometimes you can have hospice in your home (but I'm not sure what this entails). My FIL was on hospice in his home when in his last stage of cancer. May you receive peace in your heart that you're doing your best for her!
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I don't know if all NHs have social workers or patient advocates, but if the facility your mom is in does, I would address your concerns with them. Especially the language barrier--how does staff know what she needs to communicate? Such a basic necessity. How did they plan on communicating with her when they admitted her?

I was designated "the one" in charge of when and where to put our mother in a NH, which no one wanted but it became a matter of safety. That's a big load. I did the right thing, and so did you. We really can only do what we can do...until we can't.

You took care of your mother and still are, but with all the worrying you are doing, please remember to take care of yourself. Even if you think you are, you might not really be doing it like you should.

Warm wishes to you and your mom.
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