She is 74 but very frail. Her middle daughter died in a car accident 7 years ago and it has been very hard on her. Her husband has been gone for 22 years. She lives in Fl without any family nearby and we live in Texas. We have been trying to make sure our family or my husband's sister sees her every 3 months. But she's loney and just listens to books on CD and sleeps and drinks Boost. It seems ridiculious for her to be alone so far away, but she won't come if she has to live any where but with us. She "friends" who she can call in a bind, but can't even grocery shop on her own because her feet are so bad. We have offered her to come live with us and our 2 kids who are 14 and 17 to coax her closer. She is warming up to the idea and now I am panicing! Infact it looks like she will be coming in November, and I am scared. We have a large house all the kids come to. We have 1 dog and she's bringing a cat and small dog. I don't even like cats a little. She just mentioned she doesn't always make it to the bathroom. WHAT AM I GETTING INTO? She was a nurse though and is pretty realistic. I am only willing to do so much (because BELIEVE ME MY MOM WILL WANT WHAT EVER I DO FOR MY MOTHER IN LAW x 100). We have always had a good relationship, but reality is, my husband will be of very little help, partly because of work, and partly just because. We will have 2 in college next year but are in better financial shape than most and she has a suppliment on top of medicad. Her feet are terrible she should use a walker but doesn't and now her hands shake. Her bones don't heal very well. Her jaw elbow and feet have never healed properly but other than that and high blood pressure she is pretty good. What do I need to do to prepare for this and how do I set expectations for the future?
If he'll feel better emotionly that she lives closer to him then AL or Nh is probably the best option, if he is not going to commit to her care giving daily..
You Need to let your husband know that this is a full time job and you should not be obligated to take it on.
Think long and hard before you leap into this!
You mentioned several issues, including your husband’s lack of involvement, her pets, her frailty, her incontinence. These issues do not include the surprises that you have yet to discover – and there are sure to be things that don’t know about yet, or have not considered. The dynamic could present a real threat to your existing family life. It might be uncomfortable and difficult for you to speak up about this now, but it won’t be any easier after she has arrived and you discover the magnitude of what you have taken on. Spend a few minutes reading the multitude of posts by others who are similarly situated; it will give you candid insights about the challenges you will face with this situation.
I am 83 - taking care of my husband who has dementia and learning that every day presents a different problem and to say - he can't help it. This is what it is.
Now 1 point in all this which hasn't come up is $$.
How much monthly income does MIL get and what are all her assets? the costs for home health need to be coming from her if she has the funds. She has SS, so there is some money. What other funds are there? Personally I'd do Quicken or Quick books on all this from day 1. This will be important for if & when your mom moves in and hubby starts backing off on paying for things as it;s your mom and doesn't want to spend his $ on your mom.
What realistically will your hubby do? Will he just dump everything to you? would he get down on his knees and clean up pee from the floor? Will he take 20 minutes to help his mom get dressed and get her walker set up each morning? Will he drive his mom down to Dallas to be seen by the gerontology specialists at UT Southwestern, will he schedule her appointments and do all the insurance follow-up needed for his mom?
in alot of ways since your mom still isn't living with you all but plans to be I'd use that as a big negotiation tool in all this. Like say to your hubby....if you are not going to do this for your mom, then either I need to have a personal services contract to be paid to do this for your mom and then we will do the same with my mom OR if not then your mom hires home health care to do all this for her OR she moves into an independent living facility (I'd make it a short drive like in Allen or up in Sherman). I'd start looking for IL right now on my own and have the list ready.
If there is an IL facility that is part of a bigger "tiered" facility, I'd put her on a list for that place. By tiered it means it goes from IL to AL to NH. In theory, they move along the system as they age and their needs change. IL in these places is often pretty reasonable in cost as the big profit center is the AL facility.
About the November visit, I'd find a way to need to go away for 3 maybe 4 days to see my family (take your kids too or have it so that dad can't dump on them) so that he has to deal 24/7 with her.
About the elevator, they are expensive. We looked into them when rebuilding after Hurricane Katrina as we are at 25' elevation. Indoor/inside elevator about 30K and requires annual inspection and do effect your house value negatively. We did a exterior utility lift instead for about 8K but technically these are for "packages" that weight under 230 lbs. Having her upstairs will be a problem eventually, she needs to be on the ground floor and then have all the doors changed or removed so that she can get around in her walker. Retrofitting a bathroom for her...and that bathroom will be kinda nasty so you all won't want to use it. Maybe need to remove all rugs too or change flooring if she has a shuffle walk (my mom had this as she has Lewy Body dementia, all rugs removed) I think it's unfair to give grannie one of your kids room too. They will be coming home from college and perhaps even grad school - speak with the kids about this honestly. Our son refers to his room as his refuge of last resort and he kinda needs to know that it is there for him no matter what as long as we have this house. Please include your kids in these discussions. You would be crushed if your kids just stopped coming home because it's all filled with old lady smells and stuff and with no privacy
What do your kids think of this? They and your husband and yourself are your first responsibility. I think having your mil in your home with her pets will be extremely disruptive to your family life and your kids will suffer. They are at a very critical stage on their lives where they need your support as they launch into young adulthood. I would not used them to entice your mil. Their needs must come first. Think about it carefully.
If you can afford 24/7 live in care it might work out. You have no idea how much of your family's lifestyle will be affected if you do this on your own.
I know this sounds brutal but it is what it is! I wish you all the best.
I love caring for my Mom - but know that without real love and grace, it would be impossible to serve her well.
Tell your husband he MUST be involved otherwise you will not do it. Seriously.
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