How do you regain confidence after verbal abuse from elder?
My MIL (dementia) verbally attacks me pretty much all the time when we are alone. She is nice to others and they will never know or understand how abusive she is to me. I never really understood verbal abuse till now. Even though I know the truth.............hearing the opposite over and over can break down anyone.
My question is about confidence. I am a widow of 3 years. My husband gave me so very much confidence and I loved being married to him. He had my back! :) After he died, I lost confidence in myself and struggled with an identity crisis as many widows do. Anyway, I was finally able to gain some of myself back. But now, my MIL's verbal abuse is knocking the chair right out from under me. There is no one in the room so I suffer her truly bitter and cut throat comments etc alone. When someone else comes over, they think she is nice. By then, I a timid little mouse in the corner. I have confided in some good friends but in the end............at night and alone, I feel my confidence sinking.
How about this. When she says something, stop dead. Turn and look at her. Ask, "Did you just say such and such?" repeating her words. If she denies it, say, "I'm glad to hear that, because my husband's mother was too much of a lady to say something like that." If she admits what she said, then say, "If that's how you feel about me, you certainly don't want me to cook dinner for you." And walk away. Go to your office for a while. When you come back, you can pretend it didn't happen, but call her on it every time. She may not stop doing it. You, however, are telling yourself that you are a person who deserves to be treated well.
A gentler version would be to repeat her words, and say, "Is that what you really think about me? Or are you feeling unhappy today?"
It would be a sin on her soul if she hurt you so badly and destroyed your confidence. By responding, and protecting yourself, you are doing her a service, too. God bless you.
I read in your profile that you are a Christian. I have to borrow words from Joel Osteen -- that you are a child of the most high God. Maybe reminding yourself of that each time she says bad things will help you to show yourself and her compassion. Personally I think you're remarkable, helping your MIL and FIL after losing your husband. I read that you work from home, so know it is a good situation for all of you as long as you can make it work. God bless you for your compassion, Marialake. Don't let the mouse nibble at your cracker on the inside. You are better than all that.
It is already better with hospice (as of this week) but emotionally, remains yucky. I do have help from my own wonderful children (married with little children) but I was just asking about the confidence thing because I've noticed how quiet and "wallflower-like" she makes me. I feel like I have to apologize for breathing. Just talking about feelings here.
You could play the recordings back to her.
You could let others listen to them, and get their opinions and advice.
What I'm thinking is that if you were able to review what passes between the two of you when you're alone, you could analyse it more critically. Listen item by item and rebut each one. I should have thought it would be a racing certainty that, at the very least, you will see that you are absolutely not at fault, which might be a reassuring thing to bear in mind. But you might also see, perhaps, what's setting her off and get some new ideas about how to divert her.
it seems very wrong that you are in the situation where you are still grieving over the loss of your husband, and yet are still having to cope with your MIL. Double whammy. I applaud your sense of duty (if that weren't there you'd just tear everything up and start again, rather than go through this horror), and your ability to continue to care; but… are you sure it's worth it? Can you reasonably expect yourself to stay the course?
I suppose my evil twin is also thinking "two can play at that game." Except that you would have truth on your side. But, on the other hand, except that a decent person like you wouldn't dream of it..!
Don't you dare apologise for anything. No. Start claiming credit, and demanding recognition. You are the stronger person - because you're still there, and still caring.
Do I remember correctly that your FIL died not long ago? Has MIL's abuse worsened since then?
You're singing my song. Antidepressants and pain medication can make a real difference. The bad thing about antidepressants is that it can take a long time to find one that works. One good thing is that there are so many different ones to try. The other is that eventually you will find one that helps.
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