She is always worried about food not being spoiled or past expiration date. We shop every week. She annoys me when I cook something for myself that she doesn't eat - worrying whether I cooked it long enough to be done. I get so frustrated and angry with her - I know it's over-reacting, but I can't seem to help myself. She has early dementia so that is part of the problem, but really this is the way she's been for years.
I spent many years of my adult life feeling guilty before I figured out I was not a mean, disrespectful, lazy child who could not do anything right. I lived with so much guilt as an adult over the tantrums I threw and the arguments we had because I wouldn't just do it right. It was only in the 1980's or 90's when ocd hit the news that I knew it wasn't all my fault. No one could do it perfectly enough to satisfy her, not even herself. If I did get it almost right she would find a better way to fold the towels and I had to start the learning process all over again.
Fast forward to 2010, Mom is a senior spoiled rotten by my father, me, my husband and all our children who have catered to her ocd all these years not understanding the monster we were enabling.
Both she and my Dad become ill requiring major surgery within a two week period. Trying to perform her rituals properly when she was not physically able nearly killed me for 3 or so months, until she could do it herself. a couple of years later my Dad is terminally ill and she tortures him until he dies worrying about his every hair in place, the bed covers had to be over him perfectly square, no creases or wrinkles,, a drop of tea on his gown, the poor man had to be changed immediately.... a piece of lint on his pillow whatever just pick, pick picking at him. The hospice folks begged her to stop and let him have peace and rest, but no way she going to let him die with a hair out of place!
Now the rest of the story. After Dad passed away she begged us to let her sell her house and come live with us. I told her repeatedly she would not be happy with us, that we could not live up to her housekeeping standards. She was afraid to live alone, she wanted me to have her savings not an assisted living on and on...... We finally gave in and she is with us now. It is far from a picnic she shadows me, is often negative and paranoid and has weird ideas, still plenty of ocd rituals regarding her hygiene, etc. When she got here she thought she could change my husband and me, we are not slobs, but far more relaxed about neatness and organization than she. However on many issues when we told her politely, but firmly "that is not the way we do it here" or "I prefer not to do it that way". She gave up, accepted it and remembered not to try and change that particular habit. Her negativity has also improved. Again soooooo far from a perfect situation but we learned she could control some of the craziness. I know that not all dementia or ocd folks can or will change so I do feel blessed for even small improvements. I guess you don't know if it will work until you try. Makes me sad that we didn't figure it out earlier. So many years were wasted, so much misery created as we catered to the ocd beast.
I'm sure you are a great cook, but whenever she doubts it, tell her you're following the directions of so and so. If she starts to distrust Ina, then switch to Giada or the one with the weird bleached hair.
It's going to get much worse, and I hope you can eventually place her in a memory care home. You must be strong and pick your battles, forget the minor annoyances.
Bon appetit!! I had to say that:) xo
DonnaCG- it is possible your Mom does not have OCD but Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. -big difference, actually. The OCD person usually knows their thinking is flawed and hates it while the OCPD person thinks they are right and the world is wrong. If you google OCPD vrs. OCD it will explain the difference better than I can. I cannot imagine just being able to change with a firm hand. I wish that was all it took.
Or answer, "Do you think so?" to whatever she says. Plan in advance with a canned response or a mental trick. I know, it IS maddening. Best wishes to you.
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