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She is always worried about food not being spoiled or past expiration date. We shop every week. She annoys me when I cook something for myself that she doesn't eat - worrying whether I cooked it long enough to be done. I get so frustrated and angry with her - I know it's over-reacting, but I can't seem to help myself. She has early dementia so that is part of the problem, but really this is the way she's been for years.

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In my experience with my mother, I have found that when she feels safe and secure, when she has a set routine and activities, her agitation and delusions are kept at bay. My mother has always been a paranoid, obsessive-compulsive type, and those traits became intensified as her dementia grew (we didn't even know it was dementia; we just thought it was Mom, because she'd always been that way to a degree). Once I learned more about dementia care and as my mother's issues grew worse, I became more adept at handling her quirks. Some things you will have to let go and others you will learn how to alleviate her anxiety. Try various approaches and see how they work. Perhaps when she worries about your meal not being cooked enough, you can leave hers on the stove for another few minutes. Maybe you could use a Sharpie to mark when certain foods are opened and let her know that certain foods are good for XX length of time after opening (print out something from a government or university web site and post it on the fridge to show her). I'm throwing out a few approaches here -- try different ones and see what sticks. I have found that when they are obsessing about something, it's because they are fearful because they can't remember. Help your mom to remember in a loving, kind way and that may go along way to alleviating her anxiety. Try to remember she can't help it; it's a brain disease causing her to act this way (even though it's still in keeping with her earlier, nondiseased persona).
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obsessive behavior is my pet peeve. i think all you can do is try to downplay their concerns and change the subject. does it work? hell no. tomorrow it will be the same crap.. the us and uk governments are considering changes to food exp dates because theyre being misused to get idiots to throw out good food and buy more. according to the fda, if a food item smells good eat it. my mom likes to read drug data sheets then obsess for days over seizures that a freakin rhesus monkey had. its enough to drive ya nuts..
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I wish I had the patience and fortitude of Maria. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, but we have to learn, often by mistakes which hurt everyone. Can't feel guilty about that, either, because we aren't healthcare professionals and some of us are just not wired to handle this. I think it's ridiculous that so many believe we should just learn to cope with this disease like it's normal and OK. It isn't. It's a disease...it destroys the patient and unless you find a way to deal with it, it will destroy the caregiver, too. Why no one will extend the help to us at a reasonable cost is beyond me. They have closed the mental institutions and put these poor souls out on the street to deal with a world they cannot understand or expect their unqualified family to deal with it. Doesn't sound like a plan to me. This problem is so widespread but the government fat cats just close their eyes to the dilemma we are facing. If it happens in their family, they have FREE, upscale medical care that WE are paying for via our taxes. That is just wrong. I thought this was supposed to be a government by the people, FOR the people...not just a select few.
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This is again part of the Kool-Aid that if you drink enough of will kill you and then there will be nobody to endure the nonsense. Nothing you do will fix this. The sooner you get that, the better off you will be. Do not answer her back or try to argue her into believing you. She will not. She is not capable of doing so. Simply say, "I am not going to talk about that anymore. I have other problems." Or don't answer that query at all. Change the subject. What is ignored will go away. And if she gets hungry enough, she will eat. You can't get pigs to fly. That's why you need to save yourself from this endless barrage which is a generalized anxiety that is coming out on this particular issue. If it isn't this issue, it will be another one. You can't keep dangling at the end of this bungee cord that will only snap someday and leave you plunging to your death. Been there, done that. Telling the truth here.
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I was mentally abused as a child by my mom's ocd. She would decide it was time to teach me to cook, clean, sew whatever...... I would try so hard but got scolded and punished because I was "half doing it" as she said. That was before any average person had ever heard of ocd.

I spent many years of my adult life feeling guilty before I figured out I was not a mean, disrespectful, lazy child who could not do anything right. I lived with so much guilt as an adult over the tantrums I threw and the arguments we had because I wouldn't just do it right. It was only in the 1980's or 90's when ocd hit the news that I knew it wasn't all my fault. No one could do it perfectly enough to satisfy her, not even herself. If I did get it almost right she would find a better way to fold the towels and I had to start the learning process all over again.

Fast forward to 2010, Mom is a senior spoiled rotten by my father, me, my husband and all our children who have catered to her ocd all these years not understanding the monster we were enabling.

Both she and my Dad become ill requiring major surgery within a two week period. Trying to perform her rituals properly when she was not physically able nearly killed me for 3 or so months, until she could do it herself. a couple of years later my Dad is terminally ill and she tortures him until he dies worrying about his every hair in place, the bed covers had to be over him perfectly square, no creases or wrinkles,, a drop of tea on his gown, the poor man had to be changed immediately.... a piece of lint on his pillow whatever just pick, pick picking at him. The hospice folks begged her to stop and let him have peace and rest, but no way she going to let him die with a hair out of place!

Now the rest of the story. After Dad passed away she begged us to let her sell her house and come live with us. I told her repeatedly she would not be happy with us, that we could not live up to her housekeeping standards. She was afraid to live alone, she wanted me to have her savings not an assisted living on and on...... We finally gave in and she is with us now. It is far from a picnic she shadows me, is often negative and paranoid and has weird ideas, still plenty of ocd rituals regarding her hygiene, etc. When she got here she thought she could change my husband and me, we are not slobs, but far more relaxed about neatness and organization than she. However on many issues when we told her politely, but firmly "that is not the way we do it here" or "I prefer not to do it that way". She gave up, accepted it and remembered not to try and change that particular habit. Her negativity has also improved. Again soooooo far from a perfect situation but we learned she could control some of the craziness. I know that not all dementia or ocd folks can or will change so I do feel blessed for even small improvements. I guess you don't know if it will work until you try. Makes me sad that we didn't figure it out earlier. So many years were wasted, so much misery created as we catered to the ocd beast.
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You are all AWESOME caregivers!! This is a job none of us asked for, but we seem to be there for our family members...weather it is a wife, husband, parent, in-laws or grandparents... It is not by choice!! I hate it! And there really isn't anything we can do to make it good or better! One day at a time...no future, and no getting better! We all seem to be dealing with it in many different ways and it is very hard! By the end of the evening, I just want to put him (my husband) to bed and sit with a nice glass of wine. Temporary relaxing...but good at the time! We do have to take care of our selves, get someone to come into the house for a couple of hours to be with 'your person'....and GET OUT!! (For now, it is cheaper then Assisted Living) Eat right, get some exercise. Read a book, 'ONE WORD that will change your life'. My work for this year is RELEASE... I have posted notes in my special places to remind me. Try it. It's a temporary fix...but it does work each time you use!! Be strong! And take care of YOU first! If not, who will care for your loved one?....
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Sit down with her and watch a cooking show together. Maybe Ina Garten. She explains how long to cook something and at what degree. Have Mom write down the directions. Fix the meal together and set the oven and the timer for exactly what Ina said. How could it not be done?
I'm sure you are a great cook, but whenever she doubts it, tell her you're following the directions of so and so. If she starts to distrust Ina, then switch to Giada or the one with the weird bleached hair.
It's going to get much worse, and I hope you can eventually place her in a memory care home. You must be strong and pick your battles, forget the minor annoyances.
Bon appetit!! I had to say that:) xo
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Yes, good answer about the cooking show. But if you don't have time to do that (it's fun, but could be more time involved than you have) you could take the part about the timer, and just say, "now this pork chop needs to be cooked for so many minutes, so I'm just going to set the timer to make sure it's cooked properly!") Just make it up. She hopefully will buy it. But your one comment I can totally relate to: "I get so frustrated and angry. I know it's over-reacting, but I can't help myself." I find myself in the same situation so many times. I have to keep saying to myself (almost like a mantra) keep calm....don't react...don't lose it....take it easy.) It kinda helps. Probably the same premise as counting to ten. Because my Mom obsesses like crazy! And I agree, it just seems to get worse. So we have to come up w/ calming tactics or we'd be losing it all the time. So, as Christina says, Bon appetit! Just let your Mom's obsessive comments go in one ear and out the other. Keep smiling. That's what I do alot. And have a glass of wine as you cook. That helps too!!
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Thank-you , FedUpNow for your kind words. Good luck with all you do! You sure have a full plate. I give you kudos for all that you are able to handle!!
DonnaCG- it is possible your Mom does not have OCD but Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. -big difference, actually. The OCD person usually knows their thinking is flawed and hates it while the OCPD person thinks they are right and the world is wrong. If you google OCPD vrs. OCD it will explain the difference better than I can. I cannot imagine just being able to change with a firm hand. I wish that was all it took.
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Have you heard of Dysfunctional Family Bingo? Keep track of the number of times your mother says "That can't be done. You'll get sick." The more times she says it, the more M&M's (or the bigger the cocktail) you can have. She will not change, but you can trick yourself into minding less. Just a suggestion.

Or answer, "Do you think so?" to whatever she says. Plan in advance with a canned response or a mental trick. I know, it IS maddening. Best wishes to you.
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