My sister's going on a 2-week vacation and I reluctantly agreed to stay with Mom, which I'm totally dreading. Why is everyone trying to guilt me into this?
Long story short - My 98 y/o Mom fell and instead of having her go to a nursing home (which was the plan), my sister brought her home to live with her. I visit her house nearby twice a week to visit. Sister took a night off and I filled in, but Mom wouldn’t go to bed and kept telling me for two hours to go home. She could take care of herself. Finally after being there 5 hours, sister came home and Mom went to bed. Now sister is going on a two-week vacation and I reluctantly agreed to stay with Mom. Mom has plenty of money to be in assisted living or to hire help. I’m totally dreading this. Also, sister has installed cameras in the house to watch our every move. I won’t even be able to go to the bathroom without being on camera. My husband acts like it’s my duty. I have eight kids that I’ve smothered for 48 years. Am I being selfish?? How can I get through to my dementia Mom that she needs help? Why can’t I tell my sister to hire someone else? Why is everyone trying to guilt me into this?
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NO ONE can “guilt” you unless YOU are WILLING to LET YOURSELF GET GUILTED.
You CAN’T get through to your mom. IF you want to get through to your sister, you tell her that you have too many responsibilities and that you are going to STOP taking care of Mom and start taking care of YOU.
Will it cost you their relationships? It may. If it does ask yourself whether you want to be on Candid Camera every time nature calls.
Your SISTER WRONGED YOU when she unilaterally brought Mom home without a fair care plan in place, and if your husband is so co corned withYOUR DUTY! he can come and take a shift himself.
By the way, does money have anything to do with this mess?
Be strong, and do the right things FOR YOU!
We get a lot of anger here on the forum from people whose siblings won't step up and help but generally it is pointed out that just because one family member feels compelled to be a caregiver it doesn't obligate the rest of them to help (although it's nice if they can and do), and even when there is an agreement among them it needs to be reevaluated periodically because a temporary minor commitment can easily creep into something overwhelming that stretches into years. How soon is sis going on her vacation? If it isn't imminent then there is still time to tell everyone you have had second thoughts about it and other arrangements will have to be made, personally I would push for a respite stay in an appropriate facility (memory care or nursing home depending on her needs).
No, you're not being selfish. No, you cannot reason with a mom with dementia since this ability disappears as the disease progresses. Yes, you can tell your bully sister to solve the problem she made for herself. No one can guilt you unless you let them. No one can make you do anything without your permission. No one can "assume" you into the caregiving job.
Your immediate family (spouse and children) have priority. Your sister seems to have made a plan based on assuming others to help her, but didn't ask your permission? Tell her and your husband you do not wish to provide the care for those 2 weeks, period. It is often said on this forum that family won't look for other solutions if you keep being the only solution for them. Saying no is not wrong and you don't have to give any other explanation. You can "soften" the change in plan by researching respite care options or vetting agencies who can provide temporary in-home help. They will be upset, even mad, but do not give in. Cameras in her bathroom? Yikes...I don't think that's legal...
People are bullying you. They do it because it accept it. Learn to laugh them off with "Gee, I guess you thought I was a much nicer person than I really AM!!!!! I guess you thought I would CARE what you thought for a few seconds! I guess you were wrong".
And on you go. Embrace it. They want to make you the selfish one? EMBRACE SELFISHNESS.
As to WHY are they trying to guilt you?
WHO CARES!
No, DIL, it is. You cannot handle this one old person, let alone two. They can keep paying you as some manager but you have never done the hands-on stuff for the male and he wouldn't let you anyway unlike with their indy, who is female. But every weekday, you're there with this DIL who can't do this. So you have to hire more help. That is it. That is all.
You aren't cut out to be a full-time caregiver, so just say so. There's no shame in it, so offer to help find respite care for Mom, because your sister does need a vacation.
I think the question if this is about money is about whether your sister is trying to preserve Mom's money to be inherited and perhaps to pay her for the caregiving. You're correct, though, that Mom's money is supposed to be for her care.
How soon is the trip? I would resign from Team “Candid Camera” today!
Inform the sister that you will be putting painters tape over the cameras for your own privacy. She can't be evesdropping on her own sister.
If you keep telling yourself you're 'a mouse' and 'a doormat' and that you 'don't have guts', then that is the person you will continue to BE. Look in the mirror and practice saying affirmations like:
I am a strong & capable person!
I have backbone & strength!
I can easily stand up for myself!
I am worth it & I love myself!
I am not worthy of feeling guilt!
I am a selfless and loving woman!
I will not tolerate abuse from ANYONE because I am a child of God!
You'd be surprised what daily affirmations can do for your self esteem. If you're on Facebook, find Louise Hay who is now deceased but who's team posts daily uplifting affirmations in meme format that you can repeat to yourself. You can also purchase her books for your personal use. Her affirmation for today is:
"Today I no longer choose to live in the prison of my mind."
On Monday it was:
"I choose to feel good about myself today, and every day."
I hope that you are able to do what YOU want to do for your mother, whatever that may be. And that you don't allow anyone to 'guilt' you into doing something you don't want to do, your husband included. Nobody has a 'right' to film you, either, that is an invasion of YOUR privacy which is wrong, I don't care what your sister's 'good intentions' may be. You know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions, right? :) Put painter's tape over those cameras or a hat or whatever, but don't put up with anything you don't feel comfortable with. Stand up for YOURSELF b/c you're worth it!
Wishing you the best of luck!
Yes this is a worthy question to ask yourself. Is Sister older & you were always taught she was in charge? Or because she has taken on the brunt of the caregiver you feel you should help her? Or is she a bossy type & you have a milder temperament?
I seemed to have a lot of reasons I didn't say no when I should have. I felt I "should".
Once I really shone a light on the reasons - most stemming from way back - I found my voice & said no. It was weak at first. Now much more confident.
Now I have no guilt. I say no.
Your sister made the CHOICE to look after Mom.
You get to have a choice too.
If you can help out from time to time - great. If not, she finds alternatives. It may take time for your sister to realise this (or maybe she won't) but you are not her understudy.
I took a LOT for my family to realise this.
Maybe there are other ways you can help instead of sitting/caregiving?
The sooner you find your "voice" and gather up the courage to do what you want to do, the easier it will be to find your "voice" and gather up the courage to do what you want, the next time this happens...and I guarantee, it will happen again.
It's kind of like raising teenagers. They test the boundaries and if they like the outcome, and the consequences are tolerable, they do it again, or test the boundaries even further. Your sister likes the fact that she can leave your Mom in your capable hands, and that you and Mom won't raise a fuss, and she doesn't have to arrange/pay for anyone else.
If it isn't already too late, you might do the research now and find out how to provide care for Mom if you didn't provide it while your sister is away. Then you will be ready with alternatives when the situation repeats itself. Your sister deserves these breaks, so figure out a way so that you are comfortable with how Mom will be handled while your sister is away.
As far as teenagers, I have my youngest starting college this fall and her sister graduates college in May. I have my hands full with my 8 kids (5 married) and 9 grandkids. What more can I say? My husband’s parents passed away many years ago.
If visiting 2 times a week and sitting every once in a while is tiresome, imagine how much your sister needs the rest. Some sibs have to be guilted a little (if it's possible) to get some help. Just step up and do it for sis. Trust me, your mom's quality of life is much better with all the care your sis provides. Facility care can turn out to be a nightmare and those who only visit every so often have no idea what has gone on. Help you sister.
Then tomorrow afternoon, email/text/or call your sister and tell her what you have found out about who can do the caregiving and how much it will cost your mom and that you just can't possibly do it.
Can you agree to be the contact person for the caregivers so your sister can actually have a 2 week break? She certainly deserves that.
Sister may be mad as hell but so what. Tell her that you're mad as hell that she's trying to force you into this against your wishes and better judgement.
Good luck.
Since she has her hands full with your mom, she can't understand or really care about you being busy with your own family. You are going to have to stand up to her and let the chips fall where they may. If your sister is a kind and reasonable person, she will understand. If she's not, there will be a schism in your relationship. But I think that's already happened due to her demands on you.
People have different skills, temperaments & other life pressures.
The burden of care is not equal either.
2cents's comments got me thinking about that awful word *selfish*.
Let's call these folk Jan & Jon. Jan is full-time caregiver of Mom. Jon has been asked to fill in for Jan's 2 weeks holiday. Only 14 days! VS Jan's 351 days.
Jon says no. Jan calls him selfish & starts a guilt campaign.
Is Jon selfish?
But wait.. there's more.
Jan loves spending time with Mom, they have an close, easy relationship & share many interests. Jan is retired, comfortably off & single.
Jon is self-employed. So any time off is unpaid. When Jon takes time off to Mom-sit his wife is forced to work double shifts & grows resentful. The more Jon does for his Mom, he comes home down or angry. There is more pressure on his marriage too. Jon was a wild teen & Mom never 'got' him. Mom also still thinks of him as The Baby & she won't be taking orders from The Baby! Jon dreads being her sitter. He thinks Mom should spend a few weeks in a care home when Jan goes on holidays instead.
Jan says she just wants Mom to be happy. To do everything for her & will never ever send her away. She really enjoys the praise from others too... "what a GOOD daughter".
Jan thinks Jon needs to do things her way. To sit whenever she needs & drop everything for her holiday plans, despite the hardships it causes him.
Is Jan selfish?
Mother needs to go somewhere where there is a night shift used to coping with this, and able to sit up all night. So sorry Sis, you’ve done such a great job that I can’t replace you!
If your mom can't adjust to you being there for an evening, there is no way she will be peaceful with you there for an extended period of time.
I think your sister needs to take the reigns and tell mom she is going on vacation and that mom will have her own vacation too at a respite care location. And then you can visit mom at the respite care twice a week just as if she were home.
I have no doubt that your sister needs this vacation. But you need to be honest and say that you don't think you can be the one to step in.
And check your state there may be restrictions on audio as well if her cameras allow audio. Both parties have to agree to an audio recording.
Tell your sister now that you have changed your mind and that you can not watch mom.
Yes family will try to "guilt trip" you. But it is a trip you do not have to go on.
You can lay out 2 options for your sister.
1 mom goes to respite for 2 weeks while she is gone.
2 Mom pays for caregivers to be there while your sister is gone. You can be there as well but the caregivers will do 99% of the caregiving. (you can be there overnight so there is not a need for an overnight caregiver. One can come in the morning to get mom ready)
And I have to ask....
Your mom fell. people fall and they do not need a "nursing home"
I could understand maybe a move to Assisted Living but not a Skilled Nursing facility.
You do not mention dementia. So I am going to assume that mom has not been diagnosed with dementia. all you mention in your profile is "age related decline"
Is there a reason she needs caregivers?
Playing the devil's advocate, maybe you have only seen a bit of what your sister really deals with... perhaps she doesn't go to bed easily every night with her. I often wish others could be here 24/7 to see what all is required caring for my husband. If your sister would give you access to the cameras for 24-48 hours you may learn a lot about how much she is actually doing to better advise and push your sister to hire extra help and you could be in and out to supervise. FYI, dementia patients do need a routine and if at all possible it may be best to keep her at home to avoid repercussions afterwards.
As far as the two weeks, yes - it will be difficult, but as a mother of 8 you will have the strength and capability to get through it. The first day or two, your mom will be nervous - after all, her primary caregiver (sister) has gone away and left her! Routines will be different and this kind of thing confuses and agitates the elderly. That's why someone's suggestion to get access to the cameras now, so you can learn habits and patterns would be helpful. If you sister balks at this suggestion, then gently remind her you will be feeling the same way if she is monitoring you.
Yes you are dreading it, but your mind seems to be made up to do it. So change your attitude and think of it as a challenge and an opportunity. Get your kids to come and visit you and Mom. Create some new routines and new memories. Bond with your Mom in a way you could not for so many years you were raising your kids. You may - in the end - find this dreaded time to turn out to be one of the most enriching and loving 2 weeks in your life - God Bless You!
If you're not willing or able to you'll get no judgment from me. If you're not going to do it, make another arrangement for your mother. Don't make your sister do it. Medicare will pay for I believe up to seven days a year of respite care in a facility. The second week will have to be paid out-of-pocket. Use your mother's income to pay for the second week. You make the arrangements though and transfer your mother to the facility for the two weeks. This is probably the bet for everyone involved.
If you decide to suck it up and stay there for two weeks, do not tolerate your mother's 'Senior Brat' behavior. she doesn't want to go to bed, don't go. Completely ignore her and let her know that at bedtime you are off the clock unless there's an emergency. Wanting a drink or someone to snipe at isn't an emergency. When it's time to eat you bring her the meal. If she starts up and complains about it, walk away. You'll be okay if you have to stay there. You'll get through it.