ClaudiaPeterson Asked November 2021
Resentful of my elderly inlaws whom we live with
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We sold our home and business to move up to live with my husband's elderly, ill parents. His Dad has dementia and is difficult and I feel very stuck. I don't know how long this care will go on for and feel resentful.
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Many family members get "assumed" into caregiving. Since we don't know what was promised or expected when you and your husband made this decision, I think it is not too early to diplomatically start to let him know that the arrangement is much different than you envisioned and you're struggling with it. And knowing that it will get more and more restrictive and intense, you want to talk about how to make it less onerous for the both of you, since your marriage takes priority over his parent's care.
If your husband is his parents' PoA, hopefully he has a grasp on their financial resources. One solution is to use these resources to hire aids to come in daily to take up some of the care tasks and companionship. Another is for them to go to adult day care for a few hours every day. You should not be spending any of your own money to pay for any of their care. Also, the financial PoA needs to consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney or Medicaid Planner to make sure money management doesn't cause either parent to be delayed or disqualified for Medicaid, a very important resource that many elders eventually require if they ever need to be transitioned into a facility. Many people fear "running out of money" but this is what they had saved for -- their care in their declining years. Many people run out of money and it's not the end of the world if they planned ahead. Protectiveness of inheritances causes many people to make some very poor decisions, and creates terrible rifts in families.
"I don't know how long this care will go on for..." -- no one ever does and this is part of the problem. Begin a conversation with your husband in a calm and private moment. Come with some realistic solutions to present to him. It may take more than one discussion for there to be agreement on what to do. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you move forward together.
I wish you good luck. Little that we here can do, but perhaps much that you and your husband as a team can do.
If you were just paying for a room/houseshare on the open market, you'd be paying $24,000/year at most. Whereas the services you are providing might realistically cost $170,000/year.
This is when you bring in real paid help. Which is unlikely to occur as everyone sees you as just being there for "free" and not the $150,000/year deficit.
You move out but closeby, and you're then in the positions of these sibs and their spouses. What portion of a 168-hour week would they realistically carry? They don't have to answer now, because they see you not as working for free but having this "free" roof over your head.
You can only cut this off by moving out, which will thus put the care decision back in the hands of the biological family, who will then be confronted with what 24/7 care entails.
Speak to your DH about feeling resentful of your new living arrangement and see what he has to say about it. It's okay to admit you made a mistake and move out. It's also okay if the other children don't want to take on the burden of in-home care for their folks and a decision is made to have them placed in managed care; their house can be sold to pay those ongoing costs. My parents lived together comfortably in Assisted Living until dad passed, and mom still lives in the same AL but is now in their Memory Care building.
Wishing you the best of luck considering your OWN needs too, not just those of the in-laws. Everyone's life is important, not just the old folks.
Am I correct in assuming that either one or both of you are currently unemployed in order to be full time caregiver(s)?
Did "the family" think it would be "easier" for you/husband to give up your employment because you worked for yourselves?
For heaven's sake, if this is recent, cut and run. The longer you remain unemployed, the more difficult it's going to be to find a full time job with any real means of financial support; then you become dependent on your in-laws for a place to live, and everyone else in the family thinks you're "lucky" to get "free room and board", and it becomes a vicious cycle. There are, literally, dozens of posts here describing that very scenario. Find a few, and show them to your husband. Because your "free room and board" might run out really quickly once your in-laws can no longer live at home - and believe me, that day will come eventually. Then the home will need to be sold for their care, and you/husband will find yourselves in a real pickle of a situation, and still the rest of the family will not understand ("how can they have no money??!!?? They were living all this time for free!!!").
It's not too late to have a change of heart. If your husband isn't on board, were I you I would still look for full time employment, especially now that there's such a shortage of workers out there! Don't fall into this trap that the "only" option in-laws have is you/husband as a caregiver!
Good luck!
I think you and your husband need to have some frank discussions and come to terms with what you're comfortable with and what not, and decide if you're going to continue with the care. If not, you can be helpful by finding other sources and making arrangements.
It's not wise for anyone for you to be in a caregiving position which you don't want and with which you're aren't at least comfortable. You may have to have a heart to heart talk with your MIL, but if that helps all of you reconcile the situation and find solutions, then do it.
If those who were in charge are ill, then your housing will not work out no matter how hard you try.
May I suggest you rent a room or small apartment nearby, so you can
1) think about this situation further, 2) have the time(s) off you need while caregiving, 3) decide you cannot put yourself under the control of parents who are ill and controlling because you are a married adult.
With caregiving, your mind may never get a rest from thinking about them, but you need to try for your own sanity. Your husband too!
If you cannot afford to rent a room full-time, consider once a month break and rent overnight at bnb, or airbnb.
"they have always treated my husband poorly"
This is a common thing on this forum. Seems the abused child is always the one expected to do the care. Actually, its the last person who should be doing the care. Bet you weren't told how bad Dad was.
Sendhelp said: "Shared housing will always come down to 1) Two women in the kitchen, and 2) Who's the Captain of the ship?"
I have been telling my DH this for years. Two adult woman cannot live in the same house especially when one of them owns the house. His Mom was after him for years to move to Fla. I didn't want to go but would have if he chose to. I did tell him if I made the move, we would not live with his Mom. Lots of reasons why not. We never moved.😊
I agree, get a place of your own. If they can afford it, hire an aide to help with the bathing and some light housework. But you will need to set boundries whether you stay or not. Yes its his parents house. But DH is an adult now and needs to at least some respect shown to him and you. You have done them a BIG favor which they should appreciate. I am not beyond a little threat. "If you don't start treating me and wife with a little respect, then we will be leaving. We gave up alot to do for you and you can at least show some appreciation". Since DH has always been treated poorly, he owes them nothing. If it wasn't for u, they would probably need an Assist. Living or LTC.
There are stories on this forum about how the Caregiver/s have been left out of the Will. One because the parents felt they gave the CG a place to live and never charged them rent. So, the siblings got the inheritance. Never considered what the cost of caregiving would have been if they had to hire someone. The Golden child never does any of the caring but gets all the awards. So, make sure your not doing the caring so that the siblings get the inheritance. Even if you share in the inheritance, you won't get more because you did the caring.
As said, if this is not working, then ur DH and his siblings are going to need to find options.
We have a neighbor, friend of SOs actually, who lived with his mother for 15 years. He got ejected from their property once sibs decided it was time for a home. With the little money he had, he bought a little trailer and moved into the woods.
Then the wildfires came.
Now he is a homeless person. And, she's still alive.
You are a businesswoman. And it is a bad business decision to be investing in a property that may or may not be yours after you work for years, decades even, providing services that would cost six figures per year.
You need to protect the assets that you have remaining. If hubby keeps giving that to Mom, then it's time to consider legal separation or divorce so that at least your assets and interest can be protected. It is not your obligation, and it is a bad business deal, to be these people's AL or NH for the years or decades that they may live so they can be "at home."
If this is a move that your husband made without input from you or little consideration as to how this will effect you and your marriage it might be time to have a sit-down talk with him.
How long will this go on? How long can you tolerate it? 5 years? 10 years?
The funds that you got when you sold your house, are they still available? If so it might be time to cut your losses and start a search for a home. Of your own.
You can decide it you want to be close or further away. You and your husband get to decide.
If he does not want to make a move then you decide if it is worth continuing or do you separate. (I hate ultimatums but if this was a decision made with little input from you then maybe it is time for one)
You mentioned that his parents are well to do, so they have the means to hire even part time care-taking - to help make meals, housecleaning, etc.
It just sounds like you're in a situation that something has to change in order to improve...and it just may take changing your surroundings to do it before matters get worse!
1. F.O.G (so thick I have no idea how you can even breathe!)
2. A devil's Bribe: I'll give you a house - but you must give me your life
3. The Promise (no nursing home ever)
A tale I have read many times now: stepping in to help, with good intention, but sliding down fast into quicksand & now stuck.
There is HOPE & you CAN get out!
That resentment you mentioned. It is like a a warning light - flashing *this must change*. Embrace the resentment. Let this give you courage for the honest, hard but necessary conversations that will be needed.
I'm glad you reached out. Is your DH with you in the quicksand? Are you standing together or or you alone so far?
In your late 60s with health problems what are u going to do with a farm. Do u know how the trust reads. Are you going to be expected to fork out big bucks to fix it up. Or do the other siblings think it can be sold for big bucks? If you have health problems, I doubt very much that you will be able to care for someone with Dementia. They eventually become incontinent. Need to be bathed and toileted. They are unpredictable. Why does your husband not see that he is being treated like s _ _ t again. I bet ur just waiting for the shoe to drop. You should get everything in writing.