Crystals9369 Asked December 2022
Response to a friend who claims she would never put her mom in a “home.” Any advice?
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I was talking with a friend I use to be super close with about my mom's sudden decline and need to find an AL. She responded with how she would never put her mom in an Al and take care of her. She went on about how much she loves her mom etc… I was taken aback by this. She knows I’m extremely close with my own mother and adore her. I’m married, have a grown child and live an hr away from my mom. This friend has never been married, no children and lives 10 mts from her mom.
How would you respond to this?
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"Shut the f--- up" also works.
Never say never.
I wished her happy birthday, on FB messenger, hoping to avoid a phone call, because they end badly. She says whatever she wants, and doesn’t allow me to express my opinions, and past family experiences, without forcing her “correct” opinion on me, or telling me things are different, she’s just a lot. She called me, the conversation went bad, like always, cause at age 63, I’m done having my auntie force her opinions on me, as tho hers are correct, and mine are wrong.
She lost my uncle at age 55, and her daughter, same age ish as my youngest sister, still lives at home with her, expected to keep her out of a nasty, horrible nursing home, and she is not shy about saying that is her job. I tend to not share my strong opinions, that are very opposite. My sister never left home either, and at age 49, neither of them likely will, as they are taking care of the parent/s, who took care of them.
No more. I wrote her a text, and while it took her almost a week to open it, she finally did. It explained, with all the love in my heart, that I’m allowed my opinion, and in the future, topics that go wrong between us, are best avoided, if she doesn’t care to hear my opinions, and thoughts as well. Period. Told her I am a grown woman, and done having her treat me like a child, and bully me, in the same manner my two youngest sisters do. My auntie’s mind is as sharp as when she was in her 20’s.
It took me way too long to stand up for myself, and so just telling you to do the same, well, I know it is tough. But all the answers I read before mine, were wonderful! Tell her next time what is in your heart, cause you want to be able to maintain a good friendship, and you are allowed to have a different opinion. If she answers back, the way my third down sister did, write her off, walk away, cause it isn’t worth it. I’m still waiting for my auntie to answer me, and hoping she did feel how much love, was in my words. I’m patient, and will wait for her to write back. She knows how I feel, saying it nicely, but firmly, mattered. Good luck.
Every caregiver is different, every person with challenges be it dementia, mobility, other health problems is different.
What YOU chose for you and your loved one is the right choice for you and your family.
I said early on in my Husbands diagnosis that I would keep him home as long as it was safe for HIM for me to care for him and as long as it was safe for ME to care for him.
So safety was my proverbial "line in the sand".
Safety is not just physical safety but mental, emotional as well.
For some it might be incontinence or just the time that it takes. There are caregivers that work and have families of their own.
It is also very easy to say "Oh, I would never put mom in a "nursing home". Well, until you have cared for someone 24/7 you have no clue as to what it is like. Talk to me after you have been a caregiver for a month with no break.
The choice to place someone in Memory Care or a Skilled Nursing facility is not an easy choice and I imagine HOURS of agonizing thought goes into making this decision. It is not an easy one emotionally or financially. Then once the decision is made comes the task of finding a place that is acceptable knowing that none of them are "perfect". Then comes the unwarranted "guilt" that goes with the decision.
So if you feel the need to comment simply say.. "you are very lucky that you can do that" but I would not even get into the discussion with them. Not worth it talk politics or religion something less touchy...🤣
I already have Burnt's post to me about "Uhhh you're going to have to house her elsewhere" in my head. To be fair, my mom already does know of this possibility. And it's so terribly bad with my mom cause she is still "recording" memory albeit fitfully so she remembers this, is aware of the possibility etc.
If it were possible to recommend your friend to a list, a miles long list, of helpful stories, from people who absolutely always loved their mothers and still love their mothers desperately who do not have been the slightest dysfuntion in their family dynamic between at least *themselves* and their mother... she would see... there are limits. They can be mental, physical, financial, social, phsyiological, heck you can even throw in spiritual if you like.
Psssh. Show her this forum. Tell her to take a read-through. :p
People think of caregiving very differently when they aren't actually doing it.
It's easy for people to criticize and offer helpful "advice" when they have no idea what they're talking about.
No parent who actually loves and cares about their children would ever try to extract the promise to not put them or the other parent "in a home". I find it absolutely disgusting when aging parents do this with their adult children and they all of who do should be ashamed of themselves.
Also, I believe you may have misquoted me. I don't think I'd ever start a sentence with, "Uhhh". I really don't.
You have wonderful comments below. Use any one you like. Ultimately, the real reason it doesn't matter what you respond is that this person is very unlikely to be your "friend" in future. She has just shown you who she really is, and you are smart enough to get it. Forgive her, and move on.
We are always so hurt by this sort of person that we ruminate on such comments for days, for hours, thinking "I SHOULD have said......" over and over again.
Your friend is either "mean" or so "clueless" that spending time on any response to her will be of no avail. Just see to it that she doesn't change your own GRIEF to the other G-word, "guilt"; because as she showed you, words matter.
You didn't do anything to cause this, and you have no power to make it all better. Not everything can be fixed. YOU have learned that now the hard way. Your friend's lessons are still on the horizon.
My very best to you, and I wish HER luck.
You have responded in the way I probably would have. No response IS a response.
Seems like your friend has possibly been groomed to become her mother's caregiver. She can't see it any other way.
ignorance and insensitivity . I wouldn’t just throw away a long time friendship just because of one conversation.
When I first met my husband's extended family, I remember one of them bragging (in a very superior tone of voice) to me about how their *entire* family gets along. This was in response to my comments about not being on friendly terms with my dad's family, especially once he had passed away (when I was still a teenager), due to the rotten way they treated me, my sisters and my mom. I just smiled and made polite noises about how nice that must be! And you know what happened once my husband's grandparents passed away? You guessed it - that whole side of the family is now at each other's throats over inheritances.
Whether or not your "friend" is sincere in her belief now or is just trying out her "holier than thou" underwear should really be of no difference to YOU and your decisions about what is in your *mom's* best interests - and if mom can no longer live alone without help, it *is* in her best interests to be someplace where she can live safely.
You have nothing to feel guilty about; nor for which to apologize. And to cause yourself unnecessary agony over her uneducated comment is really just a waste of your time.
own independence!
Thankful we want nothing, nor expected anything, from either side, and had to build a life for ourselves. We watched youngest children stay stuck at home, until the folks are now old, and need help, and the no longer youngest sibling, is now a full grown mid 20 something, now 30 something, and choosing to stay comfy, where all the conveniences are, and before you know it, yea, our folks need full time help, cause the same way they forced her to not fend for herself, is what YS set up with them! They stopped sending gif themselves, choosing to have her be their full time only caregiver. The three older sibling were not consulted.
I learned to work young, so did second downs us, and third. Youngest learned to be comfortable, somewhat spoiled. I love her dearly but she has no clue. And I have no clue what it is to be a caregiver, cause I have not been allowed. I get annoyed when I read repeatedly that those of us that do not help, do not want to. Just like not all drunks, gave a family background of drunks in the family. Not always, each case is individual. I have only good wishes that my sister, will be ok at the end of this journey. And if she gets everything, if will not necessarily be fair, but not going to lose sleep over her windfall. Only she knows all details, as the golden one, in our family.
Your friend hasn't yet been faced with a crisis situation so she's very sure of what she 'would' and 'would not' ever do. "Always" and "Never" are two words most of us grown up's learn to stop using after we're gobsmacked with reality once too often.
When your friend suffers a crisis with her mother that she 'loves so much and would never put in a home', she'll change her tune in a New York minute once faced with the reality of a challenge she cannot handle herself. Then you'll be tempted to say "I told you so" but you won't b/c you are a REAL friend, and not a person who says ugly things to bolster her own sense of self worth.
Let your friend's rants go in one ear and out the other b/c you're way too busy tending to more important matters right now, like the mother YOU love and need to attend to. I'd also rethink this 'friendship' b/c to me, a friend is someone who stands by me during my times of need. She doesn't pass judgement over me for my choices, but rather lifts me UP with positive words & reinforcement instead, offering to help me in any way possible. If your friend cannot find it within herself to do that, then what kind of friend is she?
I can see why you were taken aback by what your friend said, that she loved her Mother. Making it sound like you don't love your Mom. Placing a parent or love one into Assisted Living/Memory Care/Nursing Home is also "love" because now it takes a village to help them with every day life.
You'd be surprised at the number of people who say they would never put a love one into assisted living or a nursing home. Families will pass down from one generation to the next how these places were horrid, frightening, dark and dank. Yes, back in the early 1900's, usually one was place in a County Asylum as doctors were not that familiar with major memory loss.
Instead, the assisted living/nursing homes of today are more like living in a hotel. I know my Dad was so surprised at how nice the place was, that he wanted to sign on the dotted line right away. He wanted so much to be around people his own age :)
It's also like we see on TV commercials of a grandparent moving in and enjoying the family, helping out, playing tennis, etc. The commercials don't show what really can happen when it comes to Alzheimer's/Dementia and other medical conditions that need constant care.
Too bad your friend acted the way she did. Sounds like maybe other relatives and other friends were telling her that her Mom needs more care.
I may have kept my Mom with me if it was just because she had mild health problems or financial problems. But Dementia is a whole other thing. Its like taking care of a small child but in reverse. I had Mom for 20 months. Dementia is just too unpredictable for me who likes order. She had so much freedom in an AL unlike my house.
We all do what we have to. Our families are our #1 priority. What our spouses want is important. If there are options, I am for trying them first. I loved my Dad but he was not an easy man to live with. I married someone the complete opposite. I told my brothers years ago, I was not caring for him if Mom passed first. He would be their responsibility. If they did not want to do the physical caring, then he would go to AL or LTC. Which I really don't think he would mind. New people to tell his stories to. Never had to make that decision, he passed before Mom.
As said, give her another chance. Tell her what she said really hurt you. That sometimes allowing other people care for a LO gives you time to enjoy them without all the stress. And tell her there is stress because you now have the care of another person and all that goes with it. Me, it was a house I couldn't get rid of. Putting out money on it that could have gone for Moms care. My SIL it was cleaning up Credit Card debt and making sure Mom didn't spend the money she needed to live on. I like the response "Never say Never" you have no idea whats ahead for you.
Most of these critics have never walked into these new AL/MC facilities, I have two LO's in an upscale real nice home, they are well cared for and safe.
And you can also stick out your tongue and flip birds behind her back.
The generous response is to wish that she will never come to know better. Have that thought first, and then if you still want to ask her how her comments are supposed to make you feel.
Just tell her to change a couple hundred adult diapers, clean up a few blowouts, spend all day several days a week seeing countless doctors, get awakened from a rare moment of sleep by her mother screaming because she dropped her tv remote, etc.
And THEN see if she can make that statement with absolute conviction.
People show their ignorance all of the time because of their lack of experience. Their was a time in my life when I was extremely naive about caregiving.
It would be nice if your friend could keep her insensitive remarks to herself. She most likely feels that she is speaking the absolute truth. She may have good intentions or she may be passive aggressive. Only you can make that call.
You certainly have a right to be upset because her comments aren’t logical at all. People are often narrow minded.
Why should she expect everyone else to see things exactly she does? You know that you are entitled to your own opinion. She should respect your opinion regardless of it being different than hers.
Is she a person who is naturally argumentative?
If you have tried to explain and she is overly defensive then she has a problem. You can’t reason with people like this.
For what it’s worth, the majority of people on this forum will stand behind you.
Believe me when I say to you first hand that you made the smarter decision to place your mother.
I had my mom with me for over a decade living in my home. It’s incredibly difficult.
I was caught off guard and vulnerable at the time I decided to take mom in. She suddenly became homeless due to hurricane Katrina.
I didn’t see how complicated things would become with long term caregiving. I had no frame of reference. My parents didn’t care for their parents.
When our family decided to move mom into a hospice home it was the best decision for her. She was well cared for by a professional staff and died peacefully.
We all have those friends.
I generally respond to end this type of conversation, talk to me when you do year or more of caregiving.
I often see people on this forum say they would never place their parent in a facility, I call that shaming. No one has the same situation as you or anyone else.
I am half a mile away and I can tell you, you will still be very busy and involved.
my best to you and your Mom