Saying goodbye to my Mom when siblings have turned her against me. Do I walk away now?

There is so much going on in that post, I don't know where to even start.... so I won't. Hope another poster can help you.

The only thing that sticks out to me is that you are one of seven children, and the other six have turned against you, alienating your mom from you in the process.

With the information you've given us here, I'd say you've made the right decision. Sometimes we have to be satisfied just knowing that WE did the right thing regardless of what others may think or say.

In my opinion, one against six is a futile battle to fight. I think you've made the right decision about leaving. Sometimes life is very unfair.

"Lay low for a while" would be my advice. And then try to reach out and make more sense of it all.

It may be that your sibs turned your mother against you. Or it may be that she reported all kinds of false accusations and they believed her. It is very common for dementia patients to become paranoid and lash out at the person taking care of them. She may have told them you were using her money, and they didn't bother to investigate. They got indignant and went into "protect mother (our inheritance)" mode.

Whoever started what, this is a very dysfunctional family mess. Turning your back on it makes the most sense.

I hope your mother recovers her former more congenial personality, though that may be unlikely with the involvement of her other children.

I hope you can take some satisfaction in knowing you have done the right things, to the best of your ability.

Thanks Maggie and Jeanne. It is so hard to get over the hurt. I feel like I should be grieving the loss of my mom and spending time with her, instead of fighting with the sibs. I guess I will say good bye, or maybe the last time I saw her, a few days ago, was the last time.

radiator i am so sorry this happened to you i just cant imagine how you feel i am here looking after mum alone with no help from siblings gosh i just dont know what id do if this ever happened to me but they are all abroad and mums doc and geriatrician knows im the one here caring for her. Before mum was diagnosed i went throught hell with them i thought they were mad BUT now she has been diagnosed with dementia they are glad im here although never admit it.

I would walk away and stay away for awhile its so sad you should be spending this time with mum now but if thats what she wants? then just know you did right by her and are a good person! My sister hasnt seen mum in 4yrs and i dread what will happen when mum dies how can she live with herself so much time for her christian friends and no time for her own mum?? Yep go figure people are strange but hold your head up i know its so unfair but you cared i doubt your siblings did!

Kazza,

You have no idea how it feels. She was moved to some type of living situation and they told me that she did not want me to know where she is!! Is this because they have turned her against me or the paranoia of dementia? Her doctor said this would happen after the brain surgery.

One of my friends told me I cannot leave the area (or country) as the family would use that against me. What am I suppose to do if they/she does not want me around? I know she is not in her right mind, so surely, I cannot stay, waiting for her to die. This is truly as sick family I am related to.

Radiator, it is the dementia, ask Captain what he went through with his mother's delusions. Parts of her brain are no longer functional. She confuses dreams and nightmare with reality. Eventually the siblings will see this when she turns on them as well. There is no need for you to move far away, because in a few months they will see the truth, and doors will open for you.

Thanks Pam. I really need validation. This is confusing. Captain, wherever you are, please speak up. Or maybe I can search for your posts?

Can they really keep me from my mom? I have no idea where she is. I wrote 3 emails and the one responded was a sister in law who said she had no idea where she is. My stupid evil sister contacted Adult Protective Services and said I verbally abused my mom. Truthfully, it was the other way around. Looking back, the dementia started earlier than the surgery.

I have been reading a lot about narcissism, narcissistic smear campaigns, narcissistic families, and narcissistic abuse.., all of which identifies what I have experienced in my own dysfunctional family for years. I am 54 now, and for the first time in my life, I now understand all the craziness. It took my father dying and my sister's dysfunction in the way of a smear campaign against me in the days surrounding my Dad's funeral to finally discover the narcissism in my family that has been there for years. My siblings are interfering with me having a relationship with my mother because I told her about the lies my sister told to family members about me at the funeral, as well as the lies she has told them to me through the years. Unfortunately, my two other siblings that were at the funeral believed their lies about my husband and me. The eldest sibling was not at the funeral because she is in therapy and has gone "no contact". My narcissistic siblings don't want me talking to my Mom now because I have exposed my sister's lies about me and them. What they don't know is that I "can live" with not seeing my mother because my mother is narcissistic and has created all this sibling rivalry for years. So going "no contact" with my mother and my siblings is the only peace I can get, because I have always been the scapegoat in the family in that I am the only one that sees all their dysfunction and willing to speak to them about it. They don't like this, so it is easy for them to discard me too. If I had not recently learned about the traits of narcissistic personality disorder, I would still be in total confusion about why just happened at my Dad's funeral and the smear campaign my sister launched on me during that time. But now that I understand this disorder, I am better able to with the effects of it. I encourage some on this website to research the narcissism topics noted about via a google search and video's on You Tube. Some of you may understand more of what you are going through once you read on this subject. Good Luck and God Bless!

Rockingchair,
Our situation sounds very similar. They did keep me from my mom as they had no other control. The Narcissism was alive and well with one rich, controlling brother and the rest were just lemmings. Truly, they are to be pitied. My mom,like yours, was responsible, but now she is demented with brain injury, so that no longer matters. Take care of you.

I last saw my mom August 19, the day after my birthday. They were successful in keeping her from me, which shows the evil and sickness. I left the country to have my journey and healing. As difficult as things were, I find joy in my day to day.

Good luck!

I kept hearing about how common this situation is and the more I talk about it, the more others share their stories. It happened to me as well. I was not a live-in caretaker but helped watch my mother's finances from afar (online). When moving her out of her house became a possibility, differences of opinion from six of seven (one is a loner) siblings became a much bigger issue than necessary and escalated with three sisters uniting with my mother to control her in all ways possible and alienate her from me and a brother who stood by me. Cannot visit, call, or mail without some interference and creating a huge raucous. I have been cut off completely. As long as my sisters have the only input, I don't see how I could ever change the situation.

I fear for my mother at times because I feel they will take advantage of her and her money but also agree with some other comments about my mother's responsibility in continuing rivalries and favoritism. Her rejection has hurt me but I also find it easy to walk away. I have researched Narcissism and Borderline Personality Disorder and learned so much. Dementia could be playing a part as well. There is way too much dysfunction and issues to deal with and impossible to fix or change. I will do my best to stay detached yet face the fact that I may have to be around to pick up the pieces after my sisters implode.

Are there really that many people that are narcissists or that have border!ine personality disorders? Or am I just hearing more about because of this forum? No wonder the world is screwed up!

So sad this happens with families. Thank god I have no children. No one will need to go through this!

Yup, join the club! I only have two siblings, I call them my twisted sisters. They have gone as far as taking me to court to have Mom removed from her home of more than 50 years! Then got my auntie dearest on my case too. Knew it would get really crazy when APS showed up at the door two years ago now. The twisted ones alleged I had been taking money from my Mom, and one of them has control of all Mom's assets! She knew darn good and well there was nothing going on! Each time they did something abolutely bizarre, initially I was hurt to be treated like this by them. Each time, though I became stronger, and each new assault, I just shake my head and wonder what the he!! Is wrong with them. Barely phases me now. And if my mom understood what they have done, spending her money to do it, she would disown them. Lesson learned... Even the most trustworthy person should never have complete individual control in form of POA, medical and durable, and successor trustee. Money makes many people absolutely crazy.

Also look up malicious narcissist. One of my ts's fits to a tee, and bring money into it. OMG!

Oh and, yes Mom is still at home with me as her CG and will continue for the forseeable future as ordered by the judge. Three and a half years now. How much longer? Anything could happen and any day.

Gladimhere,
Truly amazing...our sibs must be related. My sis who did zilch for my mom called APS on me also. I had to call police on them when they showed up unannounced. I got the police video and she was telling the cops I was on drugs making up all kinds of garbage and my 71 y.o. brother who is POA told me what I could do with a dildo! Yup, lovely people. May they rot in hell. I walked away. As far as I know my mom still lives, but demented and angry. I hope they are happy with what they have done. Oh and turned my aunt agaist me too. And she knew better. But, I am in a better place!

Rad, my aunt knows better as well! But she falls into the narcissism of ts1 way too easily. I have always had problems with this sis because I am the only person that has EVER stood up to her when she gets crazy. Just in October, I lost my best friend. He had been quite ill for a number of years and how much he was aware of it is anybody's guess. So, I needed some emergency time away, right in the midst of the court hearing, I might add, to see him in hospice. Well, twisted sister called his brother, whom she had never spoken to, much less met probably because he is an important person and quite well known. I had talked to brother about my crazy situation with the twisted ones. So, when he was called did not return her call. When he told me about this I was in complete and utter disbelief! I emailed her and asked if she knew what boundaries are. No response.

When I returned the day after his death, oh wonderful, twisted sis was here, as was auntie dearest. At least auntie gave me a hug. But, sis another story. Was talking with aunt in a private room. In barges ts stating "you know we can talk to each other". I said " ok! Why the he!! Would you call R?! What happened is none of your business!". She then told me in no uncertain terms with a hand on the hip "well, it is my business because you have been so unhappy..." I interrupted her at that point to say "take off your fu##ing therapist hat for a minute". Yes she is a therapist, wouldn't you know, and one of the most mentally disturbed people I have ever known! Welp, at that she left the room. BIT##!

I am back again this morning in total disbelief! I just heard from my brother two days ago that the newest addition to the a smear campaign against me and my husband by my dysfunctinal sister is that me ( a very loving granddaughter) and my husband, (a well respected and godly pastor for over 30 years) murdered my 86 year old grandmother back in 2005 who died of a heart attack in her sleep. Rumor has it that we did this for insurance money! The only insurance my grandmother had was barely enough to cover funeral expenses and it was her own policy that she had for years. The night she died, me and my husband were in town from out-of-town and staying at my Mom and Dad's house. We had been there for several days where we had taken my grandma shopping for antiques, breen beans, etc. at the farmer's market, and to the drug store for things like "depends" and a few other items she needed for her care. The day before she died, my husband and I also took my beloved grandma to church where she attended regularly. On the way to church and after arriving at her church , we took some great video of her and the two of us. It was a beautiful video that we showed at her funeral on Thursday, after she died very early in the morning on Monday alone in her apartment. The next morning when another relative arrived and found her screen door locked from the inside and no answer at the door, he called my Mom and Dad concerned. My Mom and Dad sent me and my husband over with a back up key to her apartment to check on my grandmother. They lived in the same town so it was a short drive there. Upon arrival, the screen door was locked, so we had to break that. Then after using the key to unlock the main door, we had to break that door in because the chain lock was on. This was the only entrance into the apartment with the exception of any windows, which were closed. So clearly, no one had been in or out of the apartment. I found my grandmother dead in her bed with a quilt that I made her a few years earlier covering her body. My grandmother and I had a very close relationship all my life and we loved each other dearly. My narcissistic mother was jealous of our relationship as this was my paternal grandmother and I took after her with regard to physical features. Often throughout my childhood and adult life my mother would talk bad about my grandmother due to this jealousy. My narcissist sister appears to have been the one to have started this awful rumor of me murdering her, as ridiculous as it is! My mother, siblings and older relatives have to know this is utterly evil to spread around, but other much younger family members (my nieces and nephews and their children) who don't know me that well could very well believe this crap long after I am gone from this earth. My wonderful grandmother (and her son, my recently deceased father) would roll over in their graves if they knew what my sister is trying to do with my reputation in the family with these younger and more distance relatives. I am wondering if anyone else has dealt with this kind of slander by a sick family member over an aging parent or grandparent that has died? I am so sick to my stomach and in my heart that it is my sister who appears to have started this rumor. She began this smear campaign at my Dad's funeral because my husband and I kept a quiet distance from her ex-husband at my Dad's funeral. 4 years ago when my Cindy and her 4th husband divorced, she told me that he had told all kind's of nasty lies on me and my Mom. After that divorce in 2010, she married her 5th husband. Then after 4 years in her 5th marriage, she began seeing her 4th husband again behind her 5th husbands back. The 5th husband finds this out, and he dies a few months later due to infection in titanium health valves. Then my sister gets back with her 4th husband who she had been involved with again while still married to her 5th husband. My sister never bothers to tell me that she is back with her 4th husband. She just shows up at my Dad's funeral with him, helps my Mom with some funeral expenses, which indebted Mom to her. My sister then took advantage of this and plasters this 4th husband's name all over the family flowers, plagues and displays that have my Dad's 5 children and their spouse names on them. This 4th husband's name was placed right under my sister's name as a "special family member". He is no longer a family member, so it was apparent she was trying to make him as close to her husband as she could. Her 5th husband had just died months earlier, so this was really odd but consistent with her need to have a man on her arm to feel OK about herself. This has been the pattern in her life since she was 16 all due to having a narcissist mother of which she and I were always the scapegoats in a family where the two boys were the golden children. The oldest daughter used to be another one of my mother's golden children when we were growing up, but she has recently been ousted by the family for sex abuse accusations she made regarding my deceased Dad which I don't believe because my Dad never abused me in that way..., so it is hard for me to believe. My eldest sister has her own set of problems and appears to have narcissistic traits as well. My narcissist mother now just sits back in her new narcissistic space (mourning my Dad) while sucking in all the attention she is getting as a result of my Dad's passing. Don't get me wrong, she is mourning as they were married for 60 years. But for the last several years my mother took care of him, she would be screaming at him many times when I was talking to her on the phone, and he told me back in March that he wanted to use a cane due to his imbalance, but that she would not let him use a cane because she didn't like the way "it looked'. I know my mother is truly mourning him, but not once have I heard her show any concern or even ask other family members "how" they are doing. It is like the mourning is just for "her" because she was his spouse. Acknowledging the need of the children to mourn almost seems to her like the need is not even recognized as she is too busy talking about her own feelings while ignoring everyone else who is mourning as well. She has a "take care of me" mentality. My two brothers (the golden children) who have never done anything wrong in her eyes , have been duped by my narcissist sister's smear campaign agenda against me because they have their own agenda's of not wanting to see all the dysfunction. They are so co-dependent with my aging mother (76 years old), that it seems like she is God and everything that she wants should be everyone's priority, including not burying my Dad in the family graveyard where all of his family had been buried for generations. My mother hated that graveyard and ignored his wishes by burying him somewhere else. My mother's wishes were also to allow and embrace the presence of my sister's 4th husband at my Dad's funeral and having his name in the obituary along side the words "special family member" among the names of his 5 children and their spouses. This 4th husband had previously shot at my sister several years ago, lied on me and my mother, and caused family conflict at various times in the 20+ years he was married to my sister before they divorced 4 years ago and before she married her 5th husband. Now that the 5th husband is dead, it appears the affair that they were having couldn't wait, and the 4th husband moved back into the house and they picked up where they left off. Here's the kicker. Almost 30 years ago when my sister was married to her 3rd husband, she was having an affair with the 4th husband that resulted in a child being conceived and born, and then the 3rd husband ending up dead with a bullet straight through his heart. Law enforcement did not know about the affair so the 4th husband's finger prints were never dusting for gun powder like my sisters' was and he was never investigated because LE didn't know about his presence in her life. The 3rd husband's death was deemed a suicide after my sister's fingers were determined to be clean of gun powered. . Within months, my sister married the guy she had been having an affair and a child with..., So 30 years later...., and it was this 4th husband that she recently brought to my Dad's' funeral just months after her 5th husband died of a sudden illness associated with an infection in his titanium heart valves. My elderly mother accepted and celebrated my sister's 4th husband (current live-in boyfriend) at the funeral despite this history. The only reason I can think of that she did this was two reasons: 1) this guy gives my Mom a lot of attention and adoration (narcissistic supply) and 2) it was what my sister wanted and she was the one that put-up some money for some of the funeral expenses. It is important to note, that she later wanted all the other siblings to reimburse her their share which was called "our debt". My husband officiated the funeral at my mother's requests, and this 4th husband of my sisters publicly called my husband out at my Dad'd funeral with a "Brother (my husband's first name)" as he went into an open mic rant before singing a song that my mother also allowed him sing. This 4th husband of my sisters is a man that she said had once said he "could have my Mom anytime he wanted". So for my elderly Mom to allow him at my Dad's funeral when my Mom knew he had also slandered me (as well as her) with these nasty lies, is mind boggling. And my mother is of sound mind and body, medically speaking. Sorry for this long rant. But I am feeling that from the day my Dad died, my family has gone completely over the edge. Before that, at least they were just "dangling on the edge". To sum all this up with a conclusion, I would have to just say that when family members die or are close to death, crap happens! This, I beleive, is the evidence of major dysfunction in the family that is often caused by the parents and probably goes back generations. Sad to say, it appears to continue from one generation to the next. I look at my nieces and nephews who are now in their 20's and 30's and I am seeing "issues" with addictions, co-dependency, and yes...., more narcissists! All I can do is pray for them because any positive influence or help by me or my husband in their lives has been ruled out as a result of my sister's smear campaign on us to make us appear to be rude and evil people when we are not. Our only real issue at my Dad's funeral was my me and my husband keeping quite distance from the 4th husband due to his slanderous and dangerous history. He comes off to us as a wolf in sheep's clothing and he is 71. My sister is 56. Looks like he has come back to be taken care of in his old age. The daughter they conceived during their affair almost 30 years ago is now physician's assistant. So this evil man has two women to adorn and take care of him in his old age while he (along with my sister) has brought much havock on our family....,and the rest of the family are too dysfunctional to see it. I have a video that my grandma took of herself alone in her bedroom several years before she died. In that video she described how cruel my sister and her 4th husband had been to her in the last few years of her life, and my grandma was telling the truth. I still have that video. Should I show it to my family who now all believe that this 4th husband back in my sister's life is "a blessing" not a curse, even though it has caused my sister to smear me because I didn't embrace this second-time-around union with him? Any thoughts on any of this from any of you. I am perplexed to say this least!

Rock sorry to hear about your narcissists. Unfortunately You are not alone. My aunt had POA of my paternal nana. Aunt is an alcoholic who cycles in and out of rehab (all 3 siblings were my dad being oldest). Aunt hated my father for reasons I was never told. When nana went in hospital for last time my uncle B (aunt's younger brother) called to tell me nana was dying. B begged me not to come because aunt told her own brother he would be banned from hospital by her as POA if he told my father or me she was dying. Whackadoodle. No money just punishing me because my father another narcissist really did not care that much about nana and I had written to and visited nana for many years. Some people are just nasty. And as the spate of "reality shows" indicate folks luv DRAMA and believing the worst, especially of upstanding people. My mother said a pointing finger at someone else ignored the three fingers pointing back at ourselves. Take care.

It's time to divorce from your family. Being accused of murdering someone is dangerous. This is something that the police cannot ignore but must be investigated. I hope you and your husband have all your ducks in a row.

Whatever you do, Do NOT Show Your Hand to Any of your family. Not to nieces or nephews, anyone. Was that cousin with you when you and hubby had to break into the house? Is he still alive to verify this? If he wasn't with you, make sure that you and hubby research on the best defense lawyer in your area with regards to criminal court.

DO NOT reveal that video to a. I would definitely put that in a very secured and locked safe. If anything, this will be proof of your sister's and her husband's duplicity and true character. If husband 4 allegedly killed husband 5, then you know he's dangerous. You can always anonymously send a tip to the police that he may have did this. Too bad because this should have been done when this suspicion appeared.

Any possibility of just moving far away from your family? This will not let up any time soon. Your sister will keep trying to outdo her latest accusations..like saying that you both have been abusing your mother and mom will just go with it..enjoying the poor-me-my daughter has been mistreating me sob story. It's time to just get up and leave before it gets so bad that you both end up in prison or something.

I am withbookluvr. Time to walk away. I could not take anymore. Washed my hands of it all. I miss my mom,or the mom she was, though she contributed to the insanity and dysfunction. I know she never wanted all the children she had, or the cards she was dealt. I chose a different path called freedom. My sibs were jealous and choose to blame me and with my demented mom, who knows what she told them. Their only control was to keep her from me. It proves they are mental! I struggle with the hurt of how one could treat another this way, especially blood, but it seems all too common from these posts. Power, greed, narcissim......healing takes time. Find love from others.

I am an only child and I have done everything for my parents. Anyone that tries to help them they turn against. They have driven everyone away thus far so the only one left is me. Now they have driven me away. Seems like the person who does the most is the one they hurt the most. They are now turning on the visiting nurse that I hired over a year ago. Dad yells at the woman. Both parents are 90 and impossible to take care of them. Believe that no one on the earth is able to do it. I am always up set and I am 60 years old.

I am an only child and I have done everything for my parents. Anyone that tries to help them they turn against. They have driven everyone away thus far so the only one left is me. Now they have driven me away. Seems like the person who does the most is the one they hurt the most. They are now turning on the visiting nurse that I hired over a year ago. Dad yells at the woman. Both parents are 90 and impossible to take care of them. Believe that no one on the earth is able to do it. I am always up set and I am 60 years old.

Don't know why this posted twice. Sorry

126Cher,
My mom did the same. It hurts but looking back from afar, I realize so much of it is them losing independence. And easier to lash out to the one who is closest. In your situation, I can see it would be tough being only child.

radiator 81,
Believe that you hit the nail on the head when you talk about them losing independence. Use to think that being an only child was bad until I found this site and saw that the one doing the most the parents and all their sisters and bothers turn against them. Sorry for your situation. I know it hurts when you know that you have done nothing wrong.

Thanks...my journey is looking back and learning from the past. My sibs have no history in her aging and health. Only short visits for meals out and parties i was blatantly not invited to. The rich brother is the dictator and no one wants to stand up to him. He has ousted 2 other sibs in the past. They do not want to go there again nor do the others. Spineless jellyfish. Nazi gangsters! They have no problem living with themselves!

I am in a farawy place now listening to the crashing waves on the beach outside my door. I am grateful. I remind myself now. Things get better when one removes self from toxicity. Off for walk on beach.

Thank you for sharing your story, I am sorry you went through this. I am going this now, reading this is great support. I hope everything turned out good for you

kristina7,

I wish you the best. We have no control over what other people think or do. They justify their behavior. My sibs are very sick. I have been told this by professionals. They stuck together like gang members. To me that shows how weak they are. All 6 of them.

Update: I did go see my mom when I returned to the U.S. last year. She had been brainwashed and they turned her against me. I was successful in getting her back and for that I am forever grateful. We got to spend some good times together, though she was not in the best of health and had issues with memory and dementia. But she was still strong willed. When I had an interaction with the rich brother and wife last New Years, I was asked what I was doing there at her assisted living. I told my sister in law she was my mother, not hers! They continued to try to bad mouth me to my mom, but she told me I could visit anytime and so could anyone who wanted. Here my mom could tell the difference from right and wrong.

Sadly I found her this past August with a UTI and delirious (where were the sibs who bragged about being the DPOA's?) She was admitted to the hospital for 9 days, rehab for 3 weeks and hospice 3 weeks. She passed just over 3 weeks ago. I am very saddened to have lost her. I did not get to see her for the 8 months after her fall because of them, but glad I got her back. I will forever miss her, but I know what I did for her and so did she. Realistically, they hated the close relationship we had, even though we had our issues. I also believe they are jealous of me and my lifestyle and freedom which they do not have by choice.

I attended the funeral mass is all. Not the reception or burial. I just could not be around them. They are sick, mean and have to live with how they treated me. I have to learn to forgive them but would never trust them (as they have small minds) and continue on with the life I have and with the support from my friends who were there for me.

The will is in probate, so will see what becomes of that. They changed the DPOA (I was second in line) and Executor while I was away and the control freak brother, who was not listed, somehow got the attorney to put him in as primary. So, most likely the will has been changed too,as there were threats if I did not do what they wanted. I do not care. Doubt there is much left anyhow, since he enjoyed spending her money. And if I get nothing, I will not contest it. I want no contact with these toxic people.

I wish you the best. Be strong because that is what it takes. Stand your ground and do not let them tear you down! In the end, they will pay.

Thanks, Radiator for the update. I'm glad you were able to reconnect with your mom and that she was able to re-adjust her misguided views of you. No regrets or 'what ifs.' I'm glad you survived all this still intact. So we know it's possible with hard work, good therapy and great friends. And great attitude... I really do need to research on narcissism to prepare for the bumpy road ahead.... You take care.

We tend to think that we're the only ones with this problem and it's so refreshing to find out that we're not alone. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have been going through the same situation with a toxic brother and sister-in-law. My brother is a control freak and would nix everything I tried to do for my mother over the years. I wanted desperately to be a part of caring for her from 1100 miles away but he had to control everything to prove himself. He was apathetic at best and nasty to me at the worst and for no reason. I tried hard to have a healthy relationship with my only sibling but he wasn't having it. When he finally had caregiver burnout, he and his wife lashed out at me, saying vile things as though I never cared for my mother. I've never been talked to like that and never did anything to deserve it. The truth is that he has never liked me and has resented me for moving away from our home town 35 years ago. He has never complimented me on anything, and is sarcastic about everything that I have accomplished. I don't expect praise by any means, but I am fed up with listening to someone who is supposed to love me, demeaning everything I've ever done. To make things worse, they both drink too much and get even nastier when they do. Sometimes with certain people your best is never going to be good enough and that's when you have to let go. It's hard but once you decide to put them behind you, it's an immense relief. That means not thinking about their treatment of you, their thoughts about you, and the mean things they've done and said to you over the years. I too have chosen to surround myself with positive people and forget that I was accidentally born into a dysfunctional family. I have confronted every aspect of it over time and have done all I can do. They want to live in denial and that's fine. I wish them well and as time passes I have fewer and fewer feelings about them. My mother is now in assisted living and is not having to deal with his gruffness and controlling behavior anymore. Since she developed dementia, she has replaced my late father with my brother and believes she is completely dependent on him - as she was my father - and that she must have him in her life...to the extent that she would never let me give her medication or take her to the store because "he will do it for me, he knows how". This is sad to me but again, it's something I have no control over and I have learned to let it be. We cannot choose our family, but we can choose the loved ones in our lives and I have been fortunate in finding the ones who truly matter and who know how to give and receive love. Blessings to you all.