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My parent’s ALF called yesterday to inform me that my dad was going on hospice. He has COPD and CHF and signs of dementia. Mom is in stage six dementia.
Six weeks ago, dad was advised to go to the hospital to have fluid drained as treatment for CHF. He refused. He said he was done with “doctors poking around”. I supported his decision. We discussed hospice at that time. Both I and my sister were POA. I was medical POA.
My sister however said hospice was the wrong decision and took my dad to ER. She is my parent’s golden child, and they never say no to her. I do not know what occurred in ER, but I saw my dad the following day at the ALF, and he told me a doctor listened to his heart and lungs and said he was fine, and my sister brought him back. Dad was not admitted. He said he was fine. I did not argue.
At the same time, my sister informed me she had an attorney meet my parents at the ALF and had them revise their POA to be only her. They removed my name. She also revised their will and estate plan. I was appalled. I told her I assumed that meant she wanted to handle everything on her own. She told me she did not need me. She said I had been useless and even stated my husband had been of no use. I told her I was offended and was backing out. She was just yelling at me, and I hung up.
My parents moved to an ALF four months ago. Prior to that, I had not spoken to my sister in over six years. I told her six years ago she had been mean and cruel and I would not tolerate it. I still recall her laughing at me as I hung up the phone then. My parents became bitter toward me for distancing and blamed me for “creating a rift” in the family. When I tried to explain, nobody understood. I ended up limiting contact with my parents but was still dedicated to fulfilling my role as POA.
I believe dad is near the end. I do not want to visit and be ambushed by my sister and attacked verbally or be ganged up on. I would like to see him in his final days, but I feel like I have been pushed out. I feel like I have no place. I guess no one needs me for anything. I would like peace, but they are not peaceful. Do I just stay out and avoid further turmoil?

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Between this post and some of your last posts, I think you need to do some deep soul searching.

I assume these family issues go way back to before your parents even needed this level of care.

The behaviors are not going to change after all of this time.

So maybe it's time to look at all of the variable outcomes and decide which one you can live with the most.

Will you never be able to forgive yourself should dad die before you get a chance to see him? Or will it hurt you more to go and see dad, only to be "scapegoat-ed" by your family?

Were it me, I would go and see dad, especially if I thought he was "near the end" as you say; however, the second anyone started to "ambush" me, I would say "well, I gotta go now" and leave without engaging. I could at least then look in the mirror and know I tried my best, which is all anyone can expect of themselves.

One thing is for sure - you will never have the peace you crave as long as you keep engaging in this behavior with your family. If the only way you can not engage is to stay away and cut contact, that might be what you have to do. Only you are going to be able to make that decision for yourself. We can give you advice, but in the end, everyone's family dynamics are different, and only you know the extent of your family's. Anyone who has ever dealt with difficult family members will not blame you one bit for saying your good-byes to dad silently in your heart and avoiding the drama of in-person visits.
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Reply to notgoodenough
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If your mom is diagnosed with stage 6 dementia, no attorney would consider her competent to revise any of her legal documents.

That said, I agree with the advice to go to see you dad when your sister is not there just to be with him and tell him whatever it is you want to say, not about the current situation necessarily. But whatever message you want to leave him with in case it is the last time. This is at least as much for your own peace of mind after he passes as anything else.

best wishes to you. I am sorry for all the strife on top of aging parents.
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Reply to Suzy23
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Southernwaver Aug 18, 2024
Yes, maybe you can fight for your half of your mom’s stuff if you are in a state that would allow it.
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And what did sister expect you and husband to do? Medical POA is limited and only comes into effect when parents are incompetent to make informed decisions. If Mom and Dad are capable of making decisions for themselves the Medical POA if not in effect. The person holding the Financial POA has most of the responsibility. Now she has it all. Which should have been like that from the start. One person should hold both POAs.

I would call the AL and ask when your sister visits. Then I would go when she is not there. If she happens tobshow up abd starts something, I would say nothing, kiss my parents goodbye and leave.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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AlvaDeer Aug 17, 2024
I absolutely agree spot on with JoAnn's advice, and would only tack on that it is CRUCIAL that when you DO visit your parents in their last days, you should leave ALL OF THIS BICKERING out of it. I would say NOTHING about their Wills or about the POAs. I would keep it light, easy, gentle, kind, loving. And then I would leave.
My concern now is not your manipulative Sis or your parents who are open in their aging to being manipulated. My concern is YOUR peace when they are gone.
Stay out of Sister's way. Visit when you check first that she is not there. Stay briefly. Be kind. Leave if she comes after hugs for Mom and Dad.
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Go see dad, preferably at a time when you know it’s unlikely for sister to be around. Don’t mention any of the legalities or family drama. Simply visit and say what needs saying to have peace if dad should die. Consider some counseling to help get over as much as possible all the bad feelings as they will only hurt you. I’m sorry for your pain and wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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If you are ok with what your sister did, then make peace with it and walk away. Get a trauma therapist and work it all out in therapy. I’m also a scapegoat, but luckily our golden child is on my side. It’s the holy terror child that causes all the trouble I get blamed for.
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Reply to Southernwaver
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Ugh Appleblossom, I would say you need to do what is the most mentally healthy for you to do.

Your whole story, is good for me to prepare myself for what could come from my golden child brother. So thank you for that.

So I'm going to tell you what I will hope I'll do, I'd walk away, you did everything you could do. Is the drama of your family worth your mental health and stability. Do you care what your family says about you behind your back. Are they going to say Apple didn't even visit dad in hospice. Who cares what they say there feelings should be nothing to you. Also I'm very sorry about your dad, I should of said that sooner.

As I said do what you feel is best for you. If you think seeing your dad one more time is best for you then you should, but if you don't then don't and please have no guilt for it. You did the best you could do, giving the circumstances of your family.

I'm just playing things by ear with my family, I'm getting more and more distance, seeing who they are without foggy goggles on any more.

Best of luck, so sorry your going through all this
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Probably best to avoid contact - sadly these stories on this forum Happen a lot . So Much for Family .
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Reply to KNance72
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Thank you all for your replies. I agree to not bring up the wrong-doings and to keep focus on only the present of my dad’s decline. I am surprised how common this is. Staying in the present allows me to not have to relive the hurt. I am not OK with what my sister did nor that my parents allowed it. I talked to two lawyers when it happened, and they said it was not illegal. Dad does not have an official diagnosis of dementia, so nothing they would do. I decided to drop it.

I also believe the reason for all this is that a framework was built decades ago and I will never re- program the system.
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Reply to AppleBlossom
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Anxietynacy Aug 18, 2024
I think we all end up here, most of us because we are burnt out, and if you come from a disfuctional family burnout is x100.

So sometimes it feels like all family's are like this, but there not, it's just all us lucky ones the need support the most
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I feel sad for you. Shame on your sister. If she's not careful she can be in major trouble as it's a felony if she mislead them in anyway especially if they are in a facility. Unfortunately if your parents believe what she states as true that could be their state of mind. You said DAD on hospice does dad have capacity to sign over or change anything? If not she again can face charges. My question is do your parents still want you to visit? If they do then it's against the law for your sister or facility to tell you you can't not with out a court order. The facility has to ask parents if they want you to visit if they say yes then sister needs to buzz off. Each resident on a facility has a personal choice to visitors or outings and so on. Her poa for health care is exactly that health care period. but only if they agree with her medical design they could tell her no I'm not taking that med and she cannot force them to do so. She is not to dictate who they see or what they wear or anything of choice. Should you have interference from the facility report them. To licensing and ombudsman they both should have posters with their info. If you chose not to visit it will be your loss. But as much as we would like to blame sister in the end she wins. if you don't protect your rights and yes you have rights but only if your willing to Unfortunately have to fight for them. Just remember if all the changes were under false info and deress it's a felony.
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Reply to LoniG1
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Sorry you are going through this. Since you mention Dad is hospice level and near the end, and Mom stage 6 dementia, and you allude that you did not think Dad should go to ER, it sounds like you feel that Dad is near the end and Mom in severe dementia, so both in end of life scenarios overall.
So as others mention, I would say its best to see both Mom and Dad as much as you want to and can, avoid sister, avoid the drama. If dad is near the end one way or another, is it worth it for you to get embroiled in conflict?
So I would say avoid turmoil, but do see them as much as you want to, assuming that is possible. Not sure its worth fighting the legal battles / POA battles etc at this time...... When your Dad passes and then its just taking care of Mom, you can re-evaluate the situation at that time...
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